Husband won't initiate sex - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

Wow, sounds like he can be an ass when he wants to.

You need to start calmly standing up for yourself and calmly stating your preferences. If he gets nasty when you do this then disengage from the conversation and go do something you like to do.

You can use phrases such as:

"I will discuss this with you later, when you have calmed down" and walk away from him.
"I will not be yelled at/called names/disrespected" and walk away from him.

When you state your preferences about sex and he says "don't tell me what to do" calmly say " I am telling you what turns me on".

As for his "habits", I would let those go and focus on becoming re-connected sexually ... he may be more accommodating about his habits that bother you then.

If it was me I would tell him, outside of the bedroom, that your desire is for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship that includes kissing, foreplay, reciprocal oral (whatever you desire from him) and that until he is ready to participate in such a relationship sex is off the table. And then, I would 180 his ass.

Give back your heart to itself,
to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you have ignored for another . . .
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post #32 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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When you state your preferences about sex and he says "don't tell me what to do" calmly say " I am telling you what turns me on".
As a man, I say "well said!"
I can't imagine a man who cares, even the tiniest bit, not responding to this. It perfectly sets aside the issue of "being told what to do," avoids crushing the fragile male ego by not saying he's not doing it right, and puts the focus exactly where it needs to be.

Any failure to respond to this is final proof that he doesn't give a $*!*. This, of course is not desirable knowledge, but it's always best to know exactly where you stand so you can plan your next action based on fact and rational thought rather than misplaced hope.
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post #33 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

Thanks for all the support. I am a big believer in " where there is a will there is a way"
If I knew that something I was doing or not doing was causing him grief I would try my utmost to make it right.....any less effort would show I didn't give a s@@t.
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post #34 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

OP, I don't see anything that you have posted that suggests that this is in any way your fault. In fact you seem to be going way out of your way for him, and not getting the same in return.

I may have missed it but does he have any medical issues, new drugs, anything physical that could be causing this?

Does he watch a lot of porn?


It sounds like he is just selfish. Expects you to do all the work, and won't do things in return. That would be very sad, and very difficult to fix. Is there anything that isn't consistent with this theory?
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post #35 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

untried....I think you have summed up the situation quite accurately.
No drugs, no medical issues, nothing physical.
Although I do think he is passive aggressive in a lot of his actions.
Quite often I feel like my relationship is a Father/Daughter....as he is very opinionated and talks down to me a lot.
As for porn... I have been questioning that in my mind....it is possible. If I asked him he would say no and he has a password on his lap top.
I would hope not as I know how detrimental it can be to replace porn with the real thing...
Selfish would definitely describe his actions.
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post #36 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

Sorry uhtred ....auto correct...I didn't catch before I posted
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post #37 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 08:06 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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As for porn... I have been questioning that in my mind....it is possible. If I asked him he would say no and he has a password on his lap top.
Assume he does watch porn and mess with his head!

Tell him you watch it and have been desperate to try some of the things you have seen other people do in porn, but say you are too shy to talk about it. Allow him to start guessing, and once he guesses something you think you might like, say, "yes THAT!" It will be his idea, but you can just go with it!

If he does not guess anything he will become curious about what you watch, and since you likely don't watch anything, he will have no way to snoop on you! If he demands you show him, ask to see what he watches first and then be super critical about it by saying it is way too tame and softcore. Then ask him to watch 50 Shades with you.

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post #38 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 08:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

Oh ...but I am a watcher. I like your ideas for loosening up a tight nut...no pun intended.
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post #39 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 09:36 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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William ...was your last remark sarcasm or genuine...couldn't quite figure that one out...lol
Genuine. I feel sorry for you.

Your husband is acting all kind of mean, in my opinion. Definitely being very angry about something, and just punishing you over and over and over. Bad.

Probably got his ego hurt because you made more money than him, and while he wanted you to retire. You dared to make good money, and you dared to be disobedient. To some men, your husband for instance, that will make their poor little tiny egos all bruised and sore.

I feel sorry for you.
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post #40 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

Well, I felt sorry for you from your first post. After all, most people who start posts are having problems.

The fact your husband is punishing you is apparent after the other people's questions and your follow up posts. That makes me especially sorry for you. Some things just bug me more than other things. That bugs me. You deserve to be treated so much better. So much better.

Please be well, somehow.
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post #41 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 10:30 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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Have you gained weight by any chance in recent years ?


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I guess if they are married for 30 years neither of them look like or weigh the same as they did when they first got married. Duh!
I am sure he is balding with a belly, but he still gets blow jobs. Your comment is so unhelpful and shallow.
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post #42 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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Thank you everybody for your insight and suggestions.
No I have not gained any weight, no health issues whatsoever....although that does seem like a shallow reason and I beg to differ...some men actually do like women with some meat on their bones.
He hasn't gained weight....he has not had his T levels checked though , that might explain his lack of initiation but not the fact he gets a HO and just lays there waiting for me to make the first move.
Were there times when I would refuse sex through the years....absolutely.....raising 4 kids with him working constant nights was no walk in the park. There were some nights he would get home from work at 5 am and wake me from a deep sleep for sex and of course I would refuse, sometimes I would not depending how many times I had been up in the night with the babies. He would get very upset if I refused and I would get cold shouldered for the next couple of days. But that was a long time ago. I have been receptive to his initiation or have mostly initiated lately myself. We have had problems in the past with control issues( his) , financial( him opening a secret bank account ) and lending a large sum of money to a family member without discussing it with me first. There has been an ongoing case of verbal indiscretion( hate the word abuse) on his part all through our marriage. We have had a better marriage the last 5 years ....but his lack of initiation was always there. I think I kept being the initiator just to keep the peace. He would get upset if I didn't initiate but would not initiate himself...go figure.
He sounds very very selfish and hence the problem. You should give him the cold shoulder and stop pandering to his ego.
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post #43 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

What @aine said ^

He's being an *******, and you're allowing him to be an *******.

He has no impetus to change, because he pretty much gets what he wants.

From some of the things you've said, he clearly has no respect for women, therefore he has no respect for you. In his eyes, you're supposed to come to him - and you often do.

And I'm afraid it's probably so ingrained in him that if you were to change your tact with him, he'd just punish you further.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #44 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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we all want to feel desired by our spouses and I think 3 years is a long time to have been the only one making an effort.....which makes me fell very undesirable...
You need to tell him how you feel, not once, not twice, but as many times as is needed for him to really understand. Reiterate yourself.

I realize this recommendation is basic and echoes what many others have already told you on this thread, but I cannot help but feel that your situation could be greatly improved by better communication.

Instead of telling your husband how you feel, what about asking how he supposes you feel, over him never initiating? You could pose that question, and then "leave him hanging" when it comes to him getting his needs met. Just walk away; let him reflect.

For him, the combination of your question and you refusing to "service" him might be food for thought. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Do this several times to him over several weeks, and I'd be surprised if you didn't see a positive change.

Money is a great lubricant for social intercourse... Money is a terrible lubricant for sexual intercourse!
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post #45 of 48 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: Husband won't initiate sex

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Oh ...but I am a watcher. I like your ideas for loosening up a tight nut...no pun intended.
Well then, I'm sure you can find something to show him that might freak him out a little. Like a video in which the guy takes ALL the initiative solely for the purpose of pleasing his partner!

I'm imagining NURU massage, but a scene where the woman just lays back and does nothing while a guy does all the work rubbing oils everywhere. Then the next time you husband lies next to you with a HO, you simply hand him a jar of coconut oil, you get naked, lay on your stomach , and start moaning with anticipation while you grin at him.

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