Catherine602

The best thing to do is to end the marriage. She will be sad but she will recover. Right now two of you are unhappy and this effect you child so there are really 3.

If you think about it, getting a divorce is an orderly way to end things. You can plan carefully and make sure she gets the support she needs to get through. If you cheat I think it will destroy her and by extension you because you care for her.

The outcome of divorce does not have to be negative for all around under the circumstance. It is very possible that she settled for you. Maybe she though you would make a good husband and father but did not find you sexually attractive. She may regret her decision and feel depressed about it.

Let each other go. She will be spured to marry a man that she feels sexually attracted to and you will marry a woman who is sexually attracted to you. Win-win.
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brendan

appreciate most responses. I really dont think ill have sex with someonse else, but im considering it with her knowing.....but most of people and probably right say it will destpry her.

but i have tried everything, even tried not trying for 4 or 5 months last year, im one for communicating but she is stand offish. I really love her but very worried now.

Dawn D - good point i suppose. 4 years before hand sex was good, after birth of daughter no good.....i really did think it was just a birth thing and she would snap out of it after a year or so but its got worse. really worse.

toying with the option of not having sex elsewhere but not sleeping in the same bed also, bad that would hurt her too. hurts me laying in bed not being able to touch

that_girl

Is she on meds? Those can suck your libido.

But yea, divorce her. No one gets married for a sexless life.

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DawnD

I think if you have honestly told her that the lack of sex was enough for you to walk away from the marriage and she still hasn't changed, then its time to walk. I know you don't want to hurt her, but you are running the risk of either hurting her by leaving before you cheat instead of leaving her with her world crashing around her because she found out about an affair.

theduck

Another point I want to make about the non-ethical path.

You're relying on not getting caught. If you get caught, you'll destroy her. It's a gamble. In other words, you're gambling with her sanity.

When you have a depressed partner, cheating is seriously one of the last things that you should do.

You're in a bad situation and I don't envy you dude.

EleGirl

Is your wife on medication for her depression?

Has she ever actually had any sexual desire? It's not clear from what you wrote that she has.

What things has she tried to increase her libido?

One thing about women is that the more sex we have, the more we want. So if your wife never has sex, her desire for sex is going to naturally diminish.

Does your wife think that she has to be completely in the mood to start sex? Sometimes I can just agree to get started with massage, foreplay etc and that puts me in the mood. It’s called seduction. Do you two ever engage in this type of activity?

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theduck

Speaking from personal experience, it's most likely her depression, as well as any possible meds that she is taking.

If she is depressed, no amount of "making her feel sexy and loved, and reconnecting that emotional bond" is going to do anything.

If she has been depressed most of her life, I wouldn't expect any changes with her mental state for a long while.

If it only happened after you had a baby, it could be postpartum depression. Which is treatable if one acts quickly.

Rainbow_Dazed

Have you told your wife straight out that you do not want to continue as things are and if you can not work actively on intimacy and sex together, then you two need to divorce? She is equally as responsible for your relationship as you are, so there's no need for you to do this decision alone.

7737

Husband wants to make love to his wife...wife says she isn't in the mood....happens time and time again.
Husband tries to help his wife....she's not interested
Husband continues loving wife is faithful and stands with her
Husbands right hand gets frequent use
Wife still isn't responding to his needs & desires
Right hand gets callouses
Husband still loves and cherishes his wife
Wife still not responding to or thinking about his needs
Husband has affair

Husband is at fault. Bad husband. Horrible husband. Naughty husband.
Poor poor wife.....

DawnD

If she doesn't want him sexually, he is free to leave. As a matter of fact I have seen several women just like me tell him to leave before he has an affair. Why punish himself even more?

It isn't just about the wife. How is he going to feel about himself when she and all their friends and family find out? Not good. So leave first, then find a partner that wants to fulfill your needs.

ScaredandUnsure

No one is making him stay, so yes, it would be bad husband (or wife) cheating is never the answer. If you think husband isn't getting sex now, wait until wife finds out about an affair. That sure ain't gonna make her want to get freaky with him. My man would be out in the yard with all his belongings, and it would be even harder because the car is mine. I admire those who can forgive their cheating spouse, I'm really not sure I could get over the lies and betrayal.

jezza

Maybe the OP should leave....but what if there are young children involved?
In most cases the mother wins custody of the children. I am in a similar position as the OP...but have young children who I love more than anyone/thing else.

The OP's back is against the wall...he has two choices....be a monk or divorce....because if he seeks sexual relief elsewhere he is in deep poo poo.....
If only it were that easy!

I'm afraid men will always be guilty, no matter what we do.

SoWhat

It's a strange situation, isn't it?

The third way - finding an outside partner - is so taboo. A spouse who does not even *want* sex is adamantly opposed to their spouse getting sex elsewhere.

So, lose your kids, spouse, and half of what you own... all because your spouse has decided that you never having sex again is more important than the marriage.

This is just so terrifying.
How is this best addressed prophylactically? How can we prevent people from winding up in situations like this?

By adjusting our social attitudes and expectations of "sexual fidelity" in situations where one partner is simply uninterested in the "sexual"?
Or telling people to be more careful at figuring out the sexual interest level of their potential partners? - this seems difficult, given the 'bait and switch' tactic.

I don't know. This all seems so horribly depressing.

morituri

I hate to say this but people should be more willing to discuss what they consider their most important emotional needs before they get married and not simply expect that these needs will be taken care of automatically by their spouse.

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Jellybeans

As long as your wife is okay with this arrangement.......