chillymorn

and if she ain't ok with it it might open up a conversation about how important it is for you.

Jellybeans

'Xactly!

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

PBear

This was my situation, and the basic path I followed. However, the decision to cheat was still entirely mine, and I really wish I hadn't done that. I really really should have separated/divorced, as that's been the end result anyway. And then I'd still be able to comfortable with my own integrity, especially when it comes to future relationships.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

brendan

some good honest advice here,

when i spoke to her sensibly the other night she just couldnt talk about the issue. she said "do want u want"


or

" i dont get horny anymore, its your problem"

wasnt happy.


yeah i do want i want, then the sex will be great but then id still feel guilty and she would get upset more than likely, may lose her/child/house/money.

if i dont do it, im sexless and miserable in that way (im a happy person)

might raise it with her later tonight

MEM11363

Brendan,
You have some specific actions you can take that are less extreme than what you are considering now.

The "minimal" path is a simple test of "minimal commitment". It goes like this. You tell her that you require touch to feel loved. This isn't a "want" it is a "need". So if she cares about you, starting this week you are going to take turns giving each other a 1/2 hour massage every other night. You can tell her - this isn't foreplay but it is a minimal demonstration of commitment.

The more aggressive path is to tell her that she needs to make a good faith effort to see if she can teach you how to get her turned on. That you accept she feels no "desire" in the day to day but you want to find out if a massage that gradually becomes more sexual might turn her on.

If she isn't open to either of these - then this is way more than a sexual issue. A wife who refuses sex and refuses to give her H a non-sexual massage is a very cold wife.

jezza

MEM11363 - I asked my wife (the timing was good) how to turn her on....'I don't know'....Please try to help me to help you....'I'm really not interested in it'....
And I'm sure I'm not alone in getting that response.

Very many people here are saying that affairs etc are totally wrong. I'd agree they are morally wrong.

However I ask this; how many men (or women) have been/are in a sexless marriage and have sought sex elsewhere and it has made their marriage less frustrating because the black cloud of sex that has hung over the marriage has been removed...????

PBear

I got the same from my STBXW, that she had no fantasies, no idea how to turn her on, nothing. It was like sex just was no more important to her than washing the car once every few weeks.

As far as your other question goes... I know someone who was in a sexless marriage, and ended up having an affair. It made things much better for awhile, but eventually reality brought things back to earth. The resentments maybe went away on holidays, but when they came back they brought friends. Thoughts like "well, XXX loves me, finds me hot, etc... Why doesn't my spouse?". Then there's the treatment that a couple normally gives each other in a relationship, in the honeymoon phase. Few long term marriages can compare to that. And finally, it reduced her desire to even try to make the marriage work anymore.

In other words, the affair was like a shot of painkiller for a bullet wound. Yeah, it takes away some of the pain. But it didn't solve anything long term. They say the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. In the end, I think the affair accelerated her arrival at that point.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

brendan

well i did have a good 45 min chat about sex with wife, layed it all out.
at first she was not in mood for talking about it. (hates sex talk). then soughted opened up abit.

I said i want to be more open in terms on communication, i told her i have a threesome fantasie also. I said i love her but cant go on without sexless marriage at 28 years of age.


i said i willl not leave u because of no sex, as i love our easy going life apart from it, she said she does too but wants to go night clubbing once a month to let loose. fel tgood to let a lot out, then said maybe try writing to eachother as dumb as it sounds about the issue.

PBear

Writing to each other isn't "dumb". It can eliminate some of the embarrassment of a face to face discussion. So use whatever tools you need to!

C
Posted via Mobile Device

brendan

i will write a email in amin and she will get it later....

during chat, she told me She has never looked or watched porn ( iwas shocked). Also she has no desire at all to be sexuall with me, anyone, toys, fantasy.

says she has no fantasie and no role play desire.


hmmmm

- she does have one she likes, when she says "OH IM A GOOD GIRL" while we use to do it and she like me saying "YOUR A BAD GIRL, Your SO NAUGHTY" surely thats a fantasy im some type. ahaha. here goes the email

bpsleo

Discuss with your wife and have mutual agreement about you having regular sex with some one else.This way you will be completely honest with her.

Find a willing lady nearby or known friend (Females) or something like that.Take your wife into confidence, so that she knows that , it is requirement which she is not fulfilling at the moment and she is allowing you to have sexual satisfaction.

In the mean time get her to see Doctor to get her Libido back by medication, so that you both can have sexual relationship also. Depression is treatable and it takes time. She will recover with regular medication.

Coincidentally I have gone through the same problem in the past. I arranged with my wife ( who had severe depression, and she was counselled by Doctor to have sex with me when ever she feels like it to save our marriage, which she did over the time. It took her 2 years to recover fully. There after she decided when to stop other ladies ) that once a week I used to have sex with other lady in my house. she never objected and three ladies with whom I had sex became our family friends , more of her than mine. On requirement my wife used to fix the time with them or I used to call them in my house. Rarely I had gone to their houses.

We both meet these ladies and are in good terms, am grateful to them.

memyselfandi

Your wife suffers from depression which is really sad. Why compound the issue by fooling around on her?

Have you tried showing her any warmth and affection while just holding her and telling her she's beautiful?

How would you feel if you were depressed and your wife said to you.."I know you don't feel horny, but maybe a threesome would make you feel better..."

Gee, thanks honey.

mousecat

There must be some middle ground, surely. I mean OK you don't expect sex every night, but once a month isn't much to ask. I know exactly how you feel, believe me. Women don't seem to understand, sexual frustration for men is not only physically uncomfortable but mentally very depressing. Some mere acknowledgement of your needs, from her, would be a start. Maybe work on that first. Good luck.

brendan

she is on pristique

we have has 5 counselling sessions, ive tried to be supportive.
yes i have held her and says your beautiful. all i get is fft no im not.
she actually is sexy.

dont agree with memyselfandi response though, yes she has depression what should i do, what for 20 years????

brendan

for the recoed, i send a really long email. which counsellor suggested as my wife doesnt like confrontation face to face and feels easier non verbal comminication...

maily stating that i love her so much and want to be together forever and sex once in avaergae 300 days in last 3 years is unnaccaptable although i dont blame her.

asked her for input on the issue