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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-17-2012, 08:35 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

she read the email and was quiet but said she got emotional, says she loves our life too but has zero sex drive and nothing turns her on amymore. says im a softy at heart and was nice of me to write how i feel.

i told her to reply to email so we can work on sex issue, i hwelp her so much with her depression, surely she can help with my needs for sex or sex acts.
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Old 01-17-2012, 08:55 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Brendan,
Have you read "married man sex life" by Athol Kay?

I ask because it is a great book and it might help you. Definitely worth the small investment in time and money. Athol gets this stuff better than any man I know.


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she read the email and was quiet but said she got emotional, says she loves our life too but has zero sex drive and nothing turns her on amymore. says im a softy at heart and was nice of me to write how i feel.

i told her to reply to email so we can work on sex issue, i hwelp her so much with her depression, surely she can help with my needs for sex or sex acts.
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Old 01-17-2012, 10:36 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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Go look for Morituri, and click on the Link in one of his posts, and read up on the ****ing 180 and start doing it.
You rang? (said in his most Adam's Family butler Lurch voice).

Here's a list of my links.

Just Let Them Go
The 180 degree rules
Man Up real life story
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Married Man's Sex Life
The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference,
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Old 01-17-2012, 11:19 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

thanks for input, i read a few of them actually a while a go and just read 3 more today. (hope this shows im caring husband )

Anyhow one thing that interest me was the married man sex life book where is almost FACT that women are attracted to men who are higher up/make the decisions/dominant.

Got me thinking.....

When my wife and i first got together, i worked 38 hours a week and had my own house and most decisions were made by me, eg what party to go to on weekend, when our next weekend away was little things like that.

NOW - 6 years later, I work 25 hours a week as does she. So im no longer the major breadwinner as she earns more than me. But i feel i had to cut back on work as she would not manage only doing 10-12 hours a week and raising our daughter. She would and was simply getting bored. Now little things changing, like she trys to control bank account/she trys to plan all holidays/she trys to be decisions maker. I have been just going along with it most of time to try not to disagree and save getting in argument. Comment she made a few weeks ago stands out, I lost $50 on a sports bet. And for first time ever says, "You are betting my money, i make more than you"

Got me mad a bit as i have been offered full time by my work but had to decline so i can look after our dauhgter half the time. But i think this issue may annoy her although i know its for the best.
And when reading, 90% of women find the dominant/decison making/breadwinner type guy more of a turn on.....maybe this doesnt turn her on in our life......hmmmm
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:30 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Brendan,
If it was me - I would put my career in HIGH gear, and use the extra pay to hire a baby sitter for the hours your W can't/won't watch your child. I wouldn't work 40 hours a week - I would work 50.

As for whether you select which movie you go see together - take turns. But that isn't the BIG thing. The money is.

When I was your age - we had sex almost every day. Not saying the SOLE reason was because I worked 50-60 hours a week and my W could be a SAHM - but it was the biggest single factor.


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thanks for input, i read a few of them actually a while a go and just read 3 more today. (hope this shows im caring husband )

Anyhow one thing that interest me was the married man sex life book where is almost FACT that women are attracted to men who are higher up/make the decisions/dominant.

Got me thinking.....

When my wife and i first got together, i worked 38 hours a week and had my own house and most decisions were made by me, eg what party to go to on weekend, when our next weekend away was little things like that.

NOW - 6 years later, I work 25 hours a week as does she. So im no longer the major breadwinner as she earns more than me. But i feel i had to cut back on work as she would not manage only doing 10-12 hours a week and raising our daughter. She would and was simply getting bored. Now little things changing, like she trys to control bank account/she trys to plan all holidays/she trys to be decisions maker. I have been just going along with it most of time to try not to disagree and save getting in argument. Comment she made a few weeks ago stands out, I lost $50 on a sports bet. And for first time ever says, "You are betting my money, i make more than you"

Got me mad a bit as i have been offered full time by my work but had to decline so i can look after our dauhgter half the time. But i think this issue may annoy her although i know its for the best.
And when reading, 90% of women find the dominant/decison making/breadwinner type guy more of a turn on.....maybe this doesnt turn her on in our life......hmmmm
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Old 01-18-2012, 03:05 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by brendan View Post
another good call from MEM11363.

"And ummm if my depression made me impotent - I would please my wife in other ways. And I would do it for HER. "
Hiya Brendan !

Reading your thread with great interest, my wife and I are in the same boat; when we met ten years ago she was VERY interested in sex with me... which lasted until we got married.

Depression... yes, that's a definite possibility and I hadn't considered it before. Marriage Counseling doesn't seem to make a difference when one of the parties is depressed. As 'breadwinner' PLUS doing a good deal of the housework for someone who doesn't have to work but can't so much as get it together to get a child to school on time, I am looking for a firm change like the '180'.

A lot of the '180' mentions stopping doing some of the unwise things that I have been doing:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
8. Do not buy gifts.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
21. Never lose your cool.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

I am pulling back and doing my best not to lose my cool... I also recognise that I'm with someone who doesn't care about my feelings; why should I show any vulnerability? Sure it would be nice to have a real partner... but not today.
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:28 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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Originally Posted by brendan View Post
And for first time ever says, "You are betting my money, i make more than you"

Got me mad a bit as i have been offered full time by my work but had to decline so i can look after our dauhgter half the time. But i think this issue may annoy her although i know its for the best.
And when reading, 90% of women find the dominant/decison making/breadwinner type guy more of a turn on.....maybe this doesnt turn her on in our life......hmmmm
She's basically announced that she doesn't respect your contrabution to the family doing what you're doing.

Suggest you change what you're doing...
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Old 01-20-2012, 12:10 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

If you're with someone whose happiness depends on material wealth, then no matter what you do it's never enough.
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Old 01-20-2012, 11:07 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Hold on a minute here. This is a non starter in the US and most of the first world. There is a big difference between a woman wanting a mansion and a woman who wants a guy who makes an effort to be a good provider. 25 hours a week is not a MAN's work week. Not even close if you are healthy......



QUOTE=Zhopa;557811]If you're with someone whose happiness depends on material wealth, then no matter what you do it's never enough.[/QUOTE]
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Old 01-21-2012, 01:33 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Hmmmm, I disagree. Henry George, greatest of the American economists, wrote that people seek to satisfy their desires with least exertion. However, 'One of the Socialist's principal failings is that he does not recognize that human desires have no limit.'

I'm willing to work real hard to get what I want, but if there's a way to get it with less work so I can take my son fishing, why not? One of the problems with my marriage is that I finally found a job where I have a lot of time to spend with my son, be creative on the job... but it's less money than the guys who work 60+ hours per week in a pressure cooker job, with mandatory unpaid overtime... they work 'til they get laid off too.

No matter where you or I go, there's always some other guy making more money, spending more time at the office. Some other guy has a trust fund or inherited a house. Or he's living beyond his means and hiding that fact. No matter what we do, women measure us against them and the longer the marriage goes, the more we're found wanting, and the more they try to make us feel bad about ourselves.

I've gotten off that particular bus.
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Old 01-21-2012, 01:54 AM   #86 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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Hmmmm, I disagree. Henry George, greatest of the American economists, wrote that people seek to satisfy their desires with least exertion. However, 'One of the Socialist's principal failings is that he does not recognize that human desires have no limit.'

I'm willing to work real hard to get what I want, but if there's a way to get it with less work so I can take my son fishing, why not? One of the problems with my marriage is that I finally found a job where I have a lot of time to spend with my son, be creative on the job... but it's less money than the guys who work 60+ hours per week in a pressure cooker job, with mandatory unpaid overtime... they work 'til they get laid off too.

No matter where you or I go, there's always some other guy making more money, spending more time at the office. Some other guy has a trust fund or inherited a house. Or he's living beyond his means and hiding that fact. No matter what we do, women measure us against them and the longer the marriage goes, the more we're found wanting, and the more they try to make us feel bad about ourselves.

I've gotten off that particular bus.
Your attitude from your posts are revolting and there is a reason your wife doesn't want sex with you. Your generalizations about women make me pity you and not in a "I feel sorry for you" kind of way but more of a I am sorry you are a man.
Get off the bus. Good for you. Just stop projecting that it is a woman who is lacking.

Last edited by Therealbrighteyes; 01-21-2012 at 02:00 AM.
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Old 01-21-2012, 02:16 AM   #87 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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Was reading all posts inlciding lastradas until i read this CRAP that you wrote:

"
Very much agreed. She's the one who needs to get the depression fixed. Problem in my opinion is that he doesn't really give a crap about the depression but only about the frequency of sex. And clearly, this is a chicken and egg situation, but if all my partner was concerned about, was frequency of sexual intercourse, it's very hard to feel cared about and my healing progress is significantly slower than if I had a supporting partner who doesn't just seem to care about sex."

wont go into any more specifics as im looking after daughter right now, but i do 70% of cleaning, 100% of outside cleaning, 50% of cooking and try nonsexual touch still even though she shrugs it off a lot.

And these long letters that im writing????

Counsellor advised me to write a letter or email to her as she doent enjoy confrontation. One letter which i did on saturday and it wasnt that long lol.
I'm sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intention. But I am asking you to look back at all your posts and what your focus seems to be: the lack of sex. Of course, the inferences I can make here, are very limited, but I can't help but think that these letters (which btw are generally a great idea) have a very clear message: That you are truly concerned about your lack of sex. I've said it a million times: it's okay that this is how you feel, but instead of opening up, your wife might even feel more cornered...and here I would like to refer to this statement:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
LOL

As for your situation - if having sex meant your partner ignored your depression - that is very sad.
here is where it becomes problematic: My partner didn't ignore my depression but that didn't mean that I had any sexual desire. So what was I do. Non-sexual touch isn't sex and if that's what you want then you automatically ignore the depression- or frustration sets in.

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LOL

And ummm if my depression made me impotent - I would please my wife in other ways. And I would do it for HER. You didn't want to give to your ex because when you did - he responded in a way you disliked. You are talking about "love" the feeling. I am talking about love "the choice".

You can say "I loved him - I really did - I simply refused to give him what he needed from me because ....long list of reasons why he was a selfish partner....".
I made a choice. We never went without actual sex (i.e. intercourse) for more than 2-3 weeks (which I understand by some people's standards is a lot but given that our previous average was twice/week, it wasn't too much off...guess what, resentment on my part set in real soon because I felt like he couldn't care less. Pair that with guilt of not feeling the same way (i.e. sexual desire) and you have a real healthy mix.
Were my feelings justified? Maybe? I don't know. I tried very hard. I was in therapy and took medication because -believe it or not- I actually like sex. Could I have tried harder? Maybe. I felt I was giving everything but then again, depression changes your view of reality.
You can't draw conclusions from person to another. For me, "making the choice to love" wasn't the right thing as it ultimately led to many other things . He never complained about anything else (well, major) in our relationship , so I think I did okay in the other departments.
Ultimately, I have no clue what's going on in Brendan's marriage. I can only react to what I read. Based on his own words and how he describes his wife, I get the impression that she may feel similar to how I felt and given that, the approach he takes right, ain't working.
And when I read stuff like this (and people actually believing it) I can assure you that he'll never have sex with her again:
Quote:
Your wife doesn't love you. She may not even love herself. She doesn't-love you so much that she would rather you go have sex with another woman than her.

You are apparently to the point that you're considering it. Doing that will not get you sex with your wife, which is WHAT YOU WANT.

What you're doing IS NOT WORKING.

So try this. Stop doing 70% of the indoor cleaning. Start cooking for only you and your daughter. Stop touching your wife and trying to make her feel special. Go look for Morituri, and click on the Link in one of his posts, and read up on the ****ing 180 and start doing it.
Quote:
Have you read "married man sex life" by Athol Kay?

I ask because it is a great book and it might help you. Definitely worth the small investment in time and money. Athol gets this stuff better than any man I know.
No offense, really. But this guy has absolutely no credentials whatsover in the area. There is a lot of research going on in the field of marital relationships, so I recommend going with readings on things that have actully empirically validated This book may make for an interesting read (and most likely it even sounds like it 'makes sense' and is intuitive) but if you want something that has actually proven to be working, go and find something by people who actually know their stuff and don't literally talk out their behind and because they maybe knew some other people who felt similarly.

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Originally Posted by brendan View Post
Anyhow one thing that interest me was the married man sex life book where is almost FACT that women are attracted to men who are higher up/make the decisions/dominant.
Yes, that is true, but this also primarily a factor when it comes to mate selection, and somewhat to a lesser extent when you've together for a while.
--> this is why it's important to not read some random schmuck's writing.


Quote:
And for first time ever says, "You are betting my money, i make more than you"
Got me mad a bit as i have been offered full time by my work but had to decline so i can look after our dauhgter half the time. But i think this issue may annoy her although i know its for the best.
Have you talked to her about this? Because that really isn't okay.

Quote:
And when reading, 90% of women find the dominant/decison making/breadwinner type guy more of a turn on.....maybe this doesnt turn her on in our life......hmmmm
My parner made 15 times as much as I made...that didn't change anything.

Last edited by lastradas; 01-21-2012 at 03:53 AM.
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:52 AM   #88 (permalink)
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MEM11363

Hold on a minute here. This is a non starter in the US and most of the first world. There is a big difference between a woman wanting a mansion and a woman who wants a guy who makes an effort to be a good provider. 25 hours a week is not a MAN's work week. Not even close if you are healthy......


Yes i believe i am healthy and could work 40+ hours however my wife IS NOT. SHe has depression and cant cop with me doing 5 days a week whilst she looks after daughter. so we do more or less 3 1/2 days each. IF i worked 5 days, the wife gets bored and desnt have the drive/energy to do anyhthing with daughter. Where as whe i have my 3/4 days off a week i dont find it a problem. Iw ork around the farm/take her fishing/ clean house/ do general chores.

That is why i choose not to work more because it doesnt work fo us, this way does however didnt appreciate her saying the i make more money than you a while back. I gave up a promotion for her to do part time work
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:54 AM   #89 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

on another note, she is currently at the pub on her 6th vodka. Out with he girls, yes im happy as shes having fun. BUT. She doesnt drink, this is only the 5th time iver ever seen her drinnk.

I offer her drinks with me all the time but NO. Shes on ant i depressents obviously and alchohol sends her stupid. Will be interesting when she comes home.hmmmm

Im here with daughter watching tennis cooking her tea after a 10 hour day
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:30 AM   #90 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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Your attitude from your posts are revolting and there is a reason your wife doesn't want sex with you. Your generalizations about women make me pity you and not in a "I feel sorry for you" kind of way but more of a I am sorry you are a man.
Get off the bus. Good for you. Just stop projecting that it is a woman who is lacking.
Revolting to you, perhaps, but I'm here to talk about what's on my mind, and not to impress you personally. Women are as imperfect as men are, and I don't like how materialistic most people are. It sets the tone of our relationships.

Blaming the abused instead of the abuser is common nowadays... but it's politically correct. How can I argue?
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