Was reading all posts inlciding lastradas until i read this CRAP that you wrote:
Very much agreed. She's the one who needs to get the depression fixed. Problem in my opinion is that he doesn't really give a crap about the depression but only about the frequency of sex. And clearly, this is a chicken and egg situation, but if all my partner was concerned about, was frequency of sexual intercourse, it's very hard to feel cared about and my healing progress is significantly slower than if I had a supporting partner who doesn't just seem to care about sex."
wont go into any more specifics as im looking after daughter right now, but i do 70% of cleaning, 100% of outside cleaning, 50% of cooking and try nonsexual touch still even though she shrugs it off a lot.
And these long letters that im writing????
Counsellor advised me to write a letter or email to her as she doent enjoy confrontation. One letter which i did on saturday and it wasnt that long lol.
I'm sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intention. But I am asking you to look back at all your posts and what your focus
seems to be: the lack of sex. Of course, the inferences I can make here, are very limited, but I can't help but think that these letters (which btw are generally a great idea) have a very clear message: That you are truly concerned about your lack of sex. I've said it a million times: it's okay that this is how you feel, but instead of opening up, your wife might even feel more cornered...and here I would like to refer to this statement:
As for your situation - if having sex meant your partner ignored your depression - that is very sad.
here is where it becomes problematic: My partner didn't ignore my depression but that didn't mean that I had any sexual desire. So what was I do. Non-sexual touch isn't sex and if that's what you want then you automatically ignore the depression- or frustration sets in.
And ummm if my depression made me impotent - I would please my wife in other ways. And I would do it for HER. You didn't want to give to your ex because when you did - he responded in a way you disliked. You are talking about "love" the feeling. I am talking about love "the choice".
You can say "I loved him - I really did - I simply refused to give him what he needed from me because ....long list of reasons why he was a selfish partner....".
I made a choice. We never went without actual sex (i.e. intercourse) for more than 2-3 weeks (which I understand by some people's standards is a lot but given that our previous average was twice/week, it wasn't too much off...guess what, resentment on my part set in real soon because I felt like he couldn't care less. Pair that with guilt of not feeling the same way (i.e. sexual desire) and you have a real healthy mix.
Were my feelings justified? Maybe? I don't know. I tried very hard. I was in therapy and took medication because -believe it or not- I actually like sex. Could I have tried harder? Maybe. I felt I was giving everything but then again, depression changes your view of reality.
You can't draw conclusions from person to another. For me, "making the choice to love" wasn't the right thing as it ultimately led to many other things . He never complained about anything else (well, major) in our relationship , so I think I did okay in the other departments.
Ultimately, I have no clue what's going on in Brendan's marriage. I can only react to what I read. Based on his own words and how he describes his wife, I get the impression that she may feel similar to how I felt and given that, the approach he takes right, ain't working.
And when I read stuff like this (and people actually believing it) I can assure you that he'll never have sex with her again:
Your wife doesn't love you. She may not even love herself. She doesn't-love you so much that she would rather you go have sex with another woman than her.
You are apparently to the point that you're considering it. Doing that will not get you sex with your wife, which is WHAT YOU WANT.
What you're doing IS NOT WORKING.
So try this. Stop doing 70% of the indoor cleaning. Start cooking for only you and your daughter. Stop touching your wife and trying to make her feel special. Go look for Morituri, and click on the Link in one of his posts, and read up on the ****ing 180 and start doing it.
Have you read "married man sex life" by Athol Kay?
I ask because it is a great book and it might help you. Definitely worth the small investment in time and money. Athol gets this stuff better than any man I know.
No offense, really. But this guy has absolutely no credentials whatsover in the area. There is a lot of research going on in the field of marital relationships, so I recommend going with readings on things that have actully empirically validated This book may make for an interesting read (and most likely it even sounds like it 'makes sense' and is intuitive) but if you want something that has actually proven to be working, go and find something by people who actually know their stuff and don't literally talk out their behind and because they maybe knew some other people who felt similarly.
Anyhow one thing that interest me was the married man sex life book where is almost FACT that women are attracted to men who are higher up/make the decisions/dominant.
Yes, that is true, but this also primarily a factor when it comes to mate selection, and somewhat to a lesser extent when you've together for a while.
--> this is why it's important to not read some random schmuck's writing.
And for first time ever says, "You are betting my money, i make more than you"
Got me mad a bit as i have been offered full time by my work but had to decline so i can look after our dauhgter half the time. But i think this issue may annoy her although i know its for the best.
Have you talked to her about this? Because that really isn't okay.
And when reading, 90% of women find the dominant/decison making/breadwinner type guy more of a turn on.....maybe this doesnt turn her on in our life......hmmmm
My parner made 15 times as much as I made...that didn't change anything.