CrazyGuy

I do not know if this matters. I have the nice guy mentality. Some think that is bad. Because of this mentality, I think I have stuck my marriage out a lot longer then many other guys. My wife would have the same problems she has regardless of what kind of guy she married. Some think being a nice guy is week, I disagree.

A nice guy is always asking what can I do or what am I doing wrong. They bend and bend more until they can't. Then they start thinking about how bad they are feeling themselves but they do not realize it yet.

For me having sex again would make things bearable. I think many guys are the same that try to fix everything. Often sex is the first to stop at any hiccup. They identify sex as the problem because it was the first to go and it is what they need to feel worth a crap and continue on.

So us nice guys look like all we care about is sex when in reality it is a sign that we are getting close to the end after many failed attempts. We look selfish and for speaking only for myself, I felt selfish for something that is normal in a marriage. To an outsider at this stage we now look like pricks only interested in sex.

If the nice guy still can not get what he needs, even the nice guy will start thinking about cheating. Not that he will cheat, but the idea starts popping in his head. This makes the nice guy to start hating himself. I know how I could not stand to look at my self in the mirror, would cuss at my self. It will get really bad until it clicks. Hey I can not fix everything, it is not all my fault there is not much more I can do.

But the same problem is still there. Not much you can do about your urge to have sex, you need it soon. That is when a nice guy does not care anymore about being nice. It is now this needs fixed now or I am gone. He realizes there are women that would love to be with him. He lost hope in the marriage.

He will calm down again somewhat. Realize he has to make one last go round just to make sure he is not making a mistake. This is at the point I started to post here. Get fresh ideas, perhaps something I missed. I forced us both back into marriage counseling again. But now I realize I can not change her, she needs to change. I need to leave for my own sanity if she does not change.

The kicker is leaving the marriage is the ultimate 180. That may finally make her wake up, then what?

ladybird

Cheating will only make things way worse... Leave your wife first.

Cheating is never the answer.. Your wife will be more crushed if you cheat on her vs leaving her.

brendan

well its been about 5 days but it hasnt been good.

well as the topic says: Well no, i didnt get a sex partner however a friend that is a girl who is 22 and is a bit lonely and hasnt got many friends sent me a very very random unexpected text message as she was drinking/ saying "i havent had sex in a year, ive only had one sex partner in my life i need action, Id love to try a threesome with you and your wife"

Well straight away i should have told wife or ended the message then and their. But for a guy in a sexless marriage who has tried to open up to wife and reach out to her with this topic as well as helping her with depression i acted differently. The wife has done NOTHING in any way shape or form to help this issue of ours.

So, as i tohught the text message was a bt of a joke at first and not my firend, i joked and went along with it. The next day i realised it was her and she told me she wanted a threesome, i said "this was not going to happen" However i then said " but id like it to as it sounded hot".

things got out of control for a week and i was text meesaging/emailing this girl. We were both reaching otu to eachother about our issues about both being fit and healthy but sexless. But at the end of the week we had cyber sex two nights in a row. To me, it was nothing. I was getting a little aroused and it felt good a girl talking to me like the way she was as my wife hasnt in 3 years more or less. Some of the cyber sex was pretty graphic however i always included my wife in the scenes.

The wife went into my emails for SOME reason on the weekend and found this week long email sessions. Obviously she got upset and kicked me out the house.

I know what i did was worng, but i can understand how i did this. I know 100% i would have never gone with this girl but the fantasy of it all sounded great, i can live with waht happend but i dont think my wife can, as she says its blatant CHEATING.

I told her i have tried to reach out to her and talk to her about the sex issue so much for no result, actually sometimes rude responses from her such as "its not my problem, fix yourself" WELL IT IS OUR PROBLEM NOT MINE. She has depression which is hughe but at least i talk to her and help her with it.

ANyhow im living out the house, talking just but living out.....

EleGirl

brendan,

I don't get it. Why do people leave their home just because their spouse orders them out. YOu cannot be kicked out of your own home, it's your home.

Seems that your wife still does not understand the problem with the sexless marriage.

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brendan

no, she doesnt understand. she doesnt understand as she doesnt get horny.

if she did have libido obviously she would understand.

we have a bungalow at our property so im living in that, 100metres away.its now got messy with the wife speaking to the girl who i had the sex talk with.....

i try and keep it simple.

28 year old man, no sex in marriage
22 year old girl who has only had sex once and is shy and lonely
talked to each other about sex, went to far and had cyber sex..

the end

deejov

Hopefully someday your wife will realise that marriage takes two people.
Hopefully someday you may understand that marriage cannot be three people.

I'm not judging you. I've had the SAME thoughts that have posted about. I'm a woman. Except that I put those thoughts against my opinions of marriage, and they did not match. So I came to the conclusion that I had to choose marriage or getting laid for the sake of it. I further decided that getting laid isn't the same thing as sex with my husband. That's just my own personal decision, and that doesn't work for everyone.

I also do understand your frustration. At one point, I had this posted on my fridge to ease my mind at times....

I cannot control anyone but myself. I cannot control or change another person, but I am 100% responsible for how I REACT to someone else's behavior.

So that said... I cannot control the fact that my husband has "issues" and is not able to have sex. Much like your wife.

Only thing I can do about it is control how I react to it.
I was VERY close to doing something similar to what you did.
I can't even explain why I didn't do it. Maybe the fear of the aftermess. Just saying I have some empathy for where you are at now. Hope your next relationship goes better

Enchantment

Hi Brendan ~

Your first thread on TAM was about you having online sex chats and asking about whether it was okay, because you didn't think it was too much of a big deal.

I think there are reasons, more than just your wife's depression, as to why she isn't interested in having sex with you. And this recent incident is likely an example of one of the reasons.

I think if you and your wife are really wanting to make a go of this marriage, then you'll both need to be really dedicated to it - her to work on the depression, and both of you to work through these issues of infidelity.

Otherwise, cut each other loose - and divorce - set each other free, as the current path you both are on is only one of destruction.

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

brendan

thankyou enchantment. The very few peopl i have told about what occured on the weekend have been very supportive and said they can totally understand why i had sex talk/cyber sex online with a friend.

They all say it is wrong but can see why and if wife cant fullfill this area of marriage then something was going to give.

wife and i are talking but i cant touch her, not that she hardly let me before this episode anyway. I actually feel a little relieved that this has come out now she knows how much this issue was getting to me.

She has the same comeback everytime " im not interested in sex, I wish i was but im not, i dont want to be like this ists the depression"

or

" its not my problem, fix yourself - i dontget horny"

well its either OUR PROBLEM or HER PROBLEM, im not the one with the problem, hope that doesnt sound rude.

brendan

6 days later from last post: We are half talking but again we cannot communicate as a couple. Well i can, but she cant.

As strange as it sounds, we have been communicating via email. She has said what i did is cheating and everyimt she hears me speaking on the phone, or hears a text message beep she thinnks its that girl. She wants a break and try and be friends again, but doesnt want me to leave the house as it will really affect our neally 3 year old daughter.

Any thoughts on this and how long you think we could live like this, I have decided to stop puting her first all of the time and looking after myself a bit more eg. after we finish work tonight, im going off for run then dinner with mate and didnt tell her. Normally id let her know what im doing the day before or something so she knows or doesnt organise anything.

We both have a weekend off together in two weeks, im taking off for 2 days with a couple of mates...something i wouldnt normally do - stuff it.



Anyone here lived under same roof but not as married couple and not sleeping in same beds?

morituri

I'm sorry but if you don't get a divorce you will eventually have a full blown affair and it will devastating to your wife. Let her know that you want to leave the marriage before that happens.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I strongly believe that if things don't change for the better quickly, then an affair on your part will be inevitable.

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memyselfandi

Let me tell you from personal experience what getting a sex partner does.

My hubby and I had sex four to five times a week and he was never satisfied. He was always into this "swing thing" and wanted me to get into it too. Yuck. Anyway, he started to swing alone behind my back and that basically ruined our sex life. God only knows where these people had been. Irregardless how many times these people say that they've been tested and disease free...yeah..sure!!

At the time, I was in no position to divorce my husband while he lied to me and told me that no..he wasn't involved in this lifestyle. I was no dummy..I read his posts online and KNEW he was sleeping with random women and doing the couples swapping thing...in fact, one of the couples he was swapping around with were acquaintances of ours.

I continued to read these chat messages from people he was swapping around with and come to find out..many of these women that were in this swing lifestyle with their husbands (which is supposed to create TRUST between couples...yeah right!!)..were stepping out on their husbands with random men while their husbands were working....niiice, huh??

All I can say is, be careful what you wish for. Many of the people that are in "open marriages"...ie..this free lifestyle swinging crap don't last and end up in divorce anyway.

Get a divorce!!

deejov

Some people do.

What it sounds like you are doing is going to just live your own life, and pretend like you are not married. Do your own things. If that's where you are at, only suggestion I can make is still be respectful. Meaning don't make her worry about where you are. Let her know you aren't coming home for dinner, that sort of thing. If you are going to be room-mates, it is still respectful to do so.

Any chance you two are going to go to counselling?

PaGuy

Divorce. Dont add any fuel to the fire

ladybird

Brendan-

At this point I would move out and file for Divorce. I know it is easier said then done though.

You wife isn't going to change, she does have see that there is an issue..

brendan

deejov - we have been going to counselling once every two weeks for 3 months.

Im hoping it helps her, not so much me i dont thinnk. Wasnt happy that counsellor never talks about the sex issue...which is my major issue. As wife has depression she always talks about wifes family and how my wife is so upset she didnt have a good up bringing.

Im lucky, i have great parents and grat child hood. Sometimes i think wife is really jealous of that.

We had a great day yesterday but who wouldnt, when we went out for lunch with daughtter, went shopping and spent $300 then went car shopping.

Its in the house where the problem is: She gets up this mornign and im all keen to do some things around the house where she just sits and watches TV while in facebook. I knew depression does that and she has no energy but its really hard on me. The no sex issue is just the cream on top.