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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-03-2012, 01:28 AM   #106 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brendan View Post
ive posted a few times last year, long story short.

Been married 1 1/2 years only sex 3 times and more info below,

- tied counselling (5 sessions)
- we argue/fight but id say same as normal couples
- wife has depression
- sex only about 3 times in last 500 days and worse still 5 times in last 3 years
-still love her dearly
-talked a few times about the non sex issue and she doesnt get hornt anymore at all
- spoke tonight openly again and said i need sex and would prefer with u, or i even hinted at a threesome to get her involved
-hinted at getting a sex partner as im not turned on by paying for sex.

i actally feel that ive tried everything and at least i have been honest and communicated, I love her/our daughter/our house and want to stay but i just need sex.

i actually have 2 male friends but they are in their 50's who are still happily married but have a sex partner once a fortnight as there wives just dont get horny, this has been going on for 7 years. one wife got a disabled daughter and hasnt been able to more or less have sex since and she was upset and traumatised, the other wifes son died and hasnt had sex since.

its a risk, but im manning up a bit and more or less telling my wife that i cant except no sex in marriage anymore...thoughts?
Don't do it behind her back. As many people on here know, I tried and got caught and it wasn't worth it. I did it to run from problems that should have been faced and dealt with. I have my angry two cents about your friends' ethics, but I will keep that to myself as I'm sure everyone on here is going to verbally ro you a new one as it is. Here's my thoughts on your situation:

If she finds out, it will kill her. Seeing the pain I caused my boyfriend made me feel terrible. And knowing I caused it? Hard to live with that.

I suggest really thinking if losing her is worth sex. If it is, yoy might want to consider divorce. Even if by some chance you never get caught, there's many more complications. What if you fall in love with that woman? What if you and your wife continue to grow farther and farther apart? What if the reason she won't have sex is fixable and you are ****ing some other woman so you don't care to fix it and she stays miserable until she finally divorces you?

You should sit down with her, put your needs aside, ask her why she thinks she might have a low libido. Work with her and be patient and non accusatory. Do some house work (no joke this works) and give it a few months. If it doesn't work, TELL HER that you're going to get anotger partner and let her make some agreed upon rules. Also be open to her having another partner. It's called an open relationship.
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:17 AM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sleepless_in_Vancouver View Post
Don't do it behind her back. As many people on here know, I tried and got caught and it wasn't worth it. I did it to run from problems that should have been faced and dealt with. I have my angry two cents about your friends' ethics, but I will keep that to myself as I'm sure everyone on here is going to verbally ro you a new one as it is. Here's my thoughts on your situation:

If she finds out, it will kill her. Seeing the pain I caused my boyfriend made me feel terrible. And knowing I caused it? Hard to live with that.

I suggest really thinking if losing her is worth sex. If it is, yoy might want to consider divorce. Even if by some chance you never get caught, there's many more complications. What if you fall in love with that woman? What if you and your wife continue to grow farther and farther apart? What if the reason she won't have sex is fixable and you are ****ing some other woman so you don't care to fix it and she stays miserable until she finally divorces you?

You should sit down with her, put your needs aside, ask her why she thinks she might have a low libido. Work with her and be patient and non accusatory. Do some house work (no joke this works) and give it a few months. If it doesn't work, TELL HER that you're going to get anotger partner and let her make some agreed upon rules. Also be open to her having another partner. It's called an open relationship.
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while i dont entirely disagree with your idea, i find it interesting that a LD partner needs to be enlightened that the lack of sex is a real problem in thier marriage. are LD people really so clueless that they believe the HD partner is going to sit around in a sexless marriage?
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:43 AM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Yes.

And they have political correctness on their side.

Quote:
Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
...are LD people really so clueless that they believe the HD partner is going to sit around in a sexless marriage?
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:34 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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while i dont entirely disagree with your idea, i find it interesting that a LD partner needs to be enlightened that the lack of sex is a real problem in thier marriage. are LD people really so clueless that they believe the HD partner is going to sit around in a sexless marriage?
LD and HD? Not sure what you mean by those terms, but I am fully aware that she probably knows this is an issue. But she might have a really good reason for not wanting to have sex that she just won't talk about. Pressuring someone into sex is kind of a social faux pa. Trying to get someone to have sex with you when they don't want to never goes over too well with anyone, even if you're not meaning to pressure them.

His needs are just as important as hers, but I think in order for him to get his needs met without resentment from his wife, he needs to meet hers first. Cheating really isn't going to do him any good.
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Old 02-03-2012, 08:07 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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Originally Posted by Sleepless_in_Vancouver View Post
His needs are just as important as hers, but I think in order for him to get his needs met without resentment from his wife, he needs to meet hers first. Cheating really isn't going to do him any good.
I dislike statements like this. It makes an assumption that he is not meeting her needs. If the roles were reversed people would be saying he should see a doctor.

LD = low drive
HD= high drive
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Old 02-03-2012, 08:09 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Does she keep a death grip on her phone? do you see her emails/texts?

Do you see her facebook messages?

What kind of birth control does she use?
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:09 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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I dislike statements like this. It makes an assumption that he is not meeting her needs. If the roles were reversed people would be saying he should see a doctor.

LD = low drive
HD= high drive
I dislike that you imply I would say if the roles were reversed, he'd need to go see a doctor. I am well-aware that in many cases of a guy not being able to get it up, it's psychological. Which is often caused by performance anxiety. Which can be caused by his partner or simply by low self esteem. Or it could be stress. Or it could be that their relationship is not in a healthy state and he does not want to be affectionate towards her.

I'm not blaming him, either. If there is problems in their relationship, they both made them. If she has depression, she needs help and possibly better medicine. I wouldn't worry about side effects of the meds causing a lowered libido, because if her depression is under control, she is more likely to want to be intimate with him. I've got depression- when I'm depressed really bad, I don't want to do a damn thing, nonetheless get it on.

I'm simply saying that if someone does not want to have sex, there is a reason. If you can't be patient enough with someone to work together to solve that issue, then you shouldn't be married.

However, if she's not willing to talk to you and work with you and you've been as patient as possible and tried all that you can, I think you should talk to her about an open relationship with the likelihood of dissolving the marriage after the kids are gone. Or, if you don't mind (IDK where you stand on the issue), dissolving it now.
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Old 02-04-2012, 07:18 AM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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I dislike that you imply I would say if the roles were reversed, he'd need to go see a doctor.
I did not imply you would say this. I said "If the roles were reversed people would be saying he should see a doctor."

And just because a guy does not want sex does not mean he has some type of ED.

Some people can have great lives and not a worry in the world and still not be interested in sex. Everybody is different. They do not see it as important. No matter what you do they will never get it. They rather brush the dog's hair before thinking about sex. In fact they do not even think about sex.

Often if a guy is complaining about his wife he is analyzed quickly that he may be the reason for the problem.(insert long list of things to win her over then have her see a doctor) If the woman is complaining about her husband the guy is still at fault.(see doctor first and short list) It is just a pattern I see.

Sometimes people marry to somebody that is just a good provider and are not attracted to them sexually. Good luck getting an honest answer from these type of people.
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:06 AM   #114 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

You know I use to agree that you should get a divorce first but now I am not sure..... Women if they are not getting the emotional support at home they will go and find it else where..... however if men are not getting their needs met by their wive ...i.e. sex, we are not to go and get it somewhere else....

cheating is not only about sex , it is a state of mind, cheating on the emotional level is just as bad , maybe worse than sexual cheating
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:08 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Brendan, what did I say about insanity?

I see nothing but heartbreak from here. Wife is unwilling to meet him even part way. Wife hates this other girl but won't address what led Brendan to her. I agree with Atholk when he says that she doesn't respect him.

If Brendan continues down the current path, wife won't change. And why should she? She already has everything she needs. Brendan will find himself in an affair sooner or later, might be 6 months, might be 3 more years of this, the temptation will just be too huge to shut down. I've seen this happen to men I know. In every case, they wanted to take their fidelity seriously, but for whatever reasons, their wives eventually stopped helping them maintain that fidelity. Might have been him, might have been her, whatever, it happened and the sex life broke down.

Brendan, you need to go back to working 50 hours/week and pay for babysitter/nanny/caretaker, whatever is needed at home. You need to restore the leader role that you had before the marriage. You should push her to get involved in some local volunteer activity that gets her making it about other people. Doesn't have to be a big thing, a few hours a week would work. This will change the dynamic. Wife won't like it, consider that a fitness test, but there is the chance that she may regain her respect for you. It sucks sometimes that a wife's view of her husband is often dependent on his provider role, but that is the reality of many if not most marriages and I think it is the reality of your marriage as well.

Divorce may end up being your best option. Perhaps the threat of it will get her to act when all else fails.

Good luck.
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Old 02-07-2012, 07:03 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

ZZyzx - agree on a lot that you said. I admit i shouldnt have had a 2 week textmsg/email affair (if you want to call it that with a girl).

But i try to explain the reason why it happened, eg. we dont communicate etc/ no sex etc.

She see it as blatant cheating which it probably is in most other cases but not in ours, as i believe i was cheating as we werent lovers anyway and it was a sexual out....

Anyway last two weeks have been good actually even though im living out of house in bungalow. trying to act more as friends and we have actually had some fun and i feel less stressed that this is sort of out. However not sure how long i can go liek this.

maybe 3/6 months who knows....but i think she knows im not going to stay around like this for ever and she has been doing heaps around house and talking to me and treating me better. maybe a wake up call perhaps

Its amazing although what i did 2 1/2 weeks ago was wrong and most classfiy it as cyber sex cheating, most that know about it support me 100% which is nice.

ILL Check back in a few days
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Old 02-08-2012, 06:30 AM   #117 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Sometimes it is the wake up call that is needed for both spouses to work on making things better. Hopefully it turns out that way for you.
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Old 02-08-2012, 10:50 PM   #118 (permalink)
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Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

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well its been about 5 days but it hasnt been good.

well as the topic says: Well no, i didnt get a sex partner however a friend that is a girl who is 22 and is a bit lonely and hasnt got many friends sent me a very very random unexpected text message as she was drinking/ saying "i havent had sex in a year, ive only had one sex partner in my life i need action, Id love to try a threesome with you and your wife"

Well straight away i should have told wife or ended the message then and their. But for a guy in a sexless marriage who has tried to open up to wife and reach out to her with this topic as well as helping her with depression i acted differently. The wife has done NOTHING in any way shape or form to help this issue of ours.

So, as i tohught the text message was a bt of a joke at first and not my firend, i joked and went along with it. The next day i realised it was her and she told me she wanted a threesome, i said "this was not going to happen" However i then said " but id like it to as it sounded hot".

things got out of control for a week and i was text meesaging/emailing this girl. We were both reaching otu to eachother about our issues about both being fit and healthy but sexless. But at the end of the week we had cyber sex two nights in a row. To me, it was nothing. I was getting a little aroused and it felt good a girl talking to me like the way she was as my wife hasnt in 3 years more or less. Some of the cyber sex was pretty graphic however i always included my wife in the scenes.

The wife went into my emails for SOME reason on the weekend and found this week long email sessions. Obviously she got upset and kicked me out the house.

I know what i did was worng, but i can understand how i did this. I know 100% i would have never gone with this girl but the fantasy of it all sounded great, i can live with waht happend but i dont think my wife can, as she says its blatant CHEATING.

I told her i have tried to reach out to her and talk to her about the sex issue so much for no result, actually sometimes rude responses from her such as "its not my problem, fix yourself" WELL IT IS OUR PROBLEM NOT MINE. She has depression which is hughe but at least i talk to her and help her with it.

ANyhow im living out the house, talking just but living out.....
I don't think she's ever going to have sex with you now, unless it's jealous "please don't leave me" sex. My boyfriend just admitted to me that he had been watching porn for nine months. This hurts for many reasons. I kind of deserved it for what I did (although this happened way before I emailed the other man) but knowing that he saw those sexy girls that can do things I cannot (but not for lack of not trying!) eats me up. I feel like a fool trying to compete with those women. He's not huge, but I do have a freaking gag reflex! And also I worry about gay porn.

I know that emailing someone and having cyber sex helps- it's a great relief. I wish that I had only done that and not planned to meet the guy. Also, I bet the emotional affair hurts your wife.

If you cheat, it will hurt you, too. Believe me, no matter how bad it is, if you love someone it hurts to leave without making yourself hate them- and if you hate them you will be bitter and miserable too.
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Old 02-09-2012, 07:54 PM   #119 (permalink)
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well after 2 weeks of actually trying to be friends i guess it was never going to work. the last 2 nights produced big fights.

Started with me just trying to communicate as usuall and her saying she deosnt think she will ever forgive me for my sex messaging with another girl(cheating).tried to tell her why i did it as no sex in years but no, she was having none of it.

anyway after an hour of yelling finally she got a lof off her chest which what ive been waitig for for so long, since marriage she is upset with me and thinks i act like an old man and never want to do anything (im shocked at this) i ask what in particular and she says night clubbing etc. Well im sorry my night clubbing days finsihed a couple of years ago, im neally 29. i sitll go once or twicwe a year but hey.

my answer: i dont think i act like an old grump nag and dont want to do anything, i actually think im closer to the opposite. maybe on a sat night sometimes i chose to watch sport or have some sports bets going over going out once or twice, because it was a cold winters nighta nd i just worked 10 hours. But yes i have no drive to go nightclubbing with her anymore unless it was a birthday or special occasion possibly. the girls she goes out with are 20/21 she is 27. i also feel old around them if i went clubbing.


she also feels she has to get approval off me for everything.

my answer: i think this is crap but yes on major family deciosns such as girls nights out id like her to let me know so i can at least organise work so i can look after my child. and if she works 9-5 then goes to friends from 5-7pm. please let me know so i know whats going on in terms of looking after child and i might have had plans myself at six.
big decisons such as withdrawin $300 out bank, id like to know what for (not saying she does often) or if she is going out with girls can i get more than 24 houtrs notice so i dont make plans or have plans to work on farm project.

She feels im a grumpy nag and nag her all the time.

my answr: my nagging is trying to help her through depression but as ive read, its best not for husnamd to try help as its seen as nagging. eg. darling u should cut down on coke as counsellor says (so she drinks more)??? a form of rebellion.

and she feels its all aboutt the farm with me.

my answer: yes i spend maybe 2 hours a day doing jobs on our hobby farm but always have time for family/child as i only do about 25 hrs work away from farm.

and i cant control my sex thinking.

my answer: well 5 times in 3 years is ridiculius, i dont blame you entirely but there are other ways ive helping eg. handjob or masturbation with me (shes says well i didnt want to)


well was happy its all out, and we agreed to seperate, she says shes not moving (well i cant see her running the (small) farm by herslf. She cant even bring the bin in or do hardly any gardening.
So for now i will stay here but look at ideas. I cant see how she can stay here but she says shes not moving. The place will become a wreck. Maybe i rent a place down the road, well im not sure yet..will see. Best interests for family would be she move out with daughter and i stay at the house/farm as at least i can mow, feed horses/stock etc.

well i better start releasing my voice on the seperation thread, thanks to all that helped.
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Old 02-09-2012, 07:59 PM   #120 (permalink)
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just read my post and before i get nailed for not going out with her. by nightclubbing i mean clubs from midnight to 4am type clubs. We go out for tea and have drinks out and pubs till 9/10pm ish often/weekly.
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