thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree6Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-11-2012, 08:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Default thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

ive posted a few times last year, long story short.

Been married 1 1/2 years only sex 3 times and more info below,

- tied counselling (5 sessions)
- we argue/fight but id say same as normal couples
- wife has depression
- sex only about 3 times in last 500 days and worse still 5 times in last 3 years
-still love her dearly
-talked a few times about the non sex issue and she doesnt get hornt anymore at all
- spoke tonight openly again and said i need sex and would prefer with u, or i even hinted at a threesome to get her involved
-hinted at getting a sex partner as im not turned on by paying for sex.

i actally feel that ive tried everything and at least i have been honest and communicated, I love her/our daughter/our house and want to stay but i just need sex.

i actually have 2 male friends but they are in their 50's who are still happily married but have a sex partner once a fortnight as there wives just dont get horny, this has been going on for 7 years. one wife got a disabled daughter and hasnt been able to more or less have sex since and she was upset and traumatised, the other wifes son died and hasnt had sex since.

its a risk, but im manning up a bit and more or less telling my wife that i cant except no sex in marriage anymore...thoughts?
brendan is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-11-2012, 08:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 136
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Get divorced first. You can't have your marriage and pretty little house AND be a cheater. Yeah, those friends of yours are doing it and getting away with it because they value sex over morals.
Dellia is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 08:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 312
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

How did your wife respond to your hints of threesome or additional sex partner(s) for you?
Janie is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 08:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Almostrecovered's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: SEPA
Posts: 9,088
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

1) find better friends
2) fix the marriage or get out- if you truly love your wife then you wouldn't let her suffer from the pain that infidelity gives you
__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story
Almostrecovered is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 43
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

To do this ethically, clearly discuss what your intentions are with your wife and come to some sort of mutual agreement about the new boundaries of your relationship with her. At the very least, you have the option of being completely honest with her.

To do this non-ethically, find a willing lady nearby/google a dating site or something and make sure your wife doesn't find out. Because an affair + depressed wife = trouble.

Unsurprisingly, most people would choose option number two.
theduck is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Hi Brendan ~

Go read through the stories of betrayed spouses in the Coping with Infidelity sub-forum and let their pain wash over you.

Your wife is already suffering with depression, and I know that you are suffering in all of this too. But adding a sex partner outside of your marriage will just bring additional pain and suffering in to a marriage with two who are already in pain and suffering. Adding an additional person will magnify the pain, not reduce it (and what kind of person would knowingly want to become a third-party in that kind of a situation?)

If you are manning up, then you know that you have two options. Stay the course with your wife with integrity or let her go with integrity. In either of those cases, you can get up in the morning and look yourself in the eye and believe in the man that you are.

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 10:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 312
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Hi Brendan ~

Go read through the stories of betrayed spouses in the Coping with Infidelity sub-forum and let their pain wash over you.

Your wife is already suffering with depression, and I know that you are suffering in all of this too. But adding a sex partner outside of your marriage will just bring additional pain and suffering in to a marriage with two who are already in pain and suffering. Adding an additional person will magnify the pain, not reduce it (and what kind of person would knowingly want to become a third-party in that kind of a situation?)

If you are manning up, then you know that you have two options. Stay the course with your wife with integrity or let her go with integrity. In either of those cases, you can get up in the morning and look yourself in the eye and believe in the man that you are.

Best wishes.
Wow - well written!

Janie is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 02:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 419
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

You will be excoriated by many for leaving her "just" because you want sex.

"How dare put a divorce on the plate of an already depressed woman! And just because you want to get your rocks off!"

Others will blame you for not making her want sex. "Every woman wants sex, you're just not sexy enough to turn her on" might be the sort of thing you hear.

She came into the marriage not wanting sex. If you had known you were signing a celibacy contract, you probably would have done things differently. I think you've got to get out.
SoWhat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 02:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,976
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoWhat View Post
You will be excoriated by many for leaving her "just" because you want sex.

"How dare put a divorce on the plate of an already depressed woman! And just because you want to get your rocks off!"

Others will blame you for not making her want sex. "Every woman wants sex, you're just not sexy enough to turn her on" might be the sort of thing you hear.

She came into the marriage not wanting sex. If you had known you were signing a celibacy contract, you probably would have done things differently. I think you've got to get out.
chillymorn is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

i dont want people feeling sorry for me, i feel sorry for my wife.


She honestly says "she just doesnt get horny anymore (ever).
I think she is telling the truth, what i cant understand is she never even trys to help me out.

I know she feels bad i really do, but a 28 year old man has needs.

In a perfect world i would keep going with the marriage and have sex with a sexy girl on the side with wife okay about it. but i know it probably wont work.

Just need sex and im starting to get anxiety because of it, average of once every 200 days in last 3 years insnt good.....

On other hand, if i do just end marriage, it will destroy her IMO
brendan is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,687
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

If she really felt bad, or was concerned about your happiness in the marriage, she'd take a hour out of her schedule once a week and enjoy some intimacy with you.

Is she trying to deal with her depression?

C
Posted via Mobile Device
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
ScaredandUnsure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Somewhere in the world
Posts: 736
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

I doubt it will destroy her, she'll be hurt, it will suck for a while, but she'll get over it and move on with her life. What would probably "destroy her" would be finding out you went outside the marriage. If you don't want to destroy her, be honest with her and exit the marriage without cheating on her.
ScaredandUnsure is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:15 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Quote:
Originally Posted by brendan View Post
iOn other hand, if i do just end marriage, it will destroy her IMO
No she won't but she will definitely be destroyed if you betray her by getting into a sexual affair.

Divorce her first. Nobody deserves to be betrayed.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 09:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 6,845
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Brendan,
Why is it ok with YOU, for you to be slowly destroyed through forced celibacy but not ok with YOU for her to have to go find another husband?

Why is it ok with HER, for you to be miserable for the next 50 years but NOT ok with HER to deal with some sadness and have to find another husband?

Your outcome together is a guarantee of total misery. If you divorce at least the two of you each have a chance at finding happiness with others.

Go look up 2 definitions:
1. parasitism
2. symbiosis

You are currently enabling her to do (1), when in truth all you are seeking is (2).

One last thing: You and she both know that SHE knew she didn't really feel desire BEFORE she married you. Basically she tricked you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by brendan View Post
i dont want people feeling sorry for me, i feel sorry for my wife.


She honestly says "she just doesnt get horny anymore (ever).
I think she is telling the truth, what i cant understand is she never even trys to help me out.

I know she feels bad i really do, but a 28 year old man has needs.

In a perfect world i would keep going with the marriage and have sex with a sexy girl on the side with wife okay about it. but i know it probably wont work.

Just need sex and im starting to get anxiety because of it, average of once every 200 days in last 3 years insnt good.....

On other hand, if i do just end marriage, it will destroy her IMO
MEM11363 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2012, 10:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,957
Default Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married

Quote:
Originally Posted by brendan View Post

Been married 1 1/2 years only sex 3 times and more info below,


- sex only about 3 times in last 500 days and worse still 5 times in last 3 years

So, she wasn't sleeping with you before she married you, why would you think that would change? That is the real question.
DawnD is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife still works with EA partner, thinking of getting her to quit steve0 Coping with Infidelity 62 03-31-2012 09:12 PM
ex-partner not thinking of his child's feelings sofedup The Family & Parenting Forums 1 03-26-2011 02:50 PM
married 2 months thinking of divorce shack The Men's Clubhouse 12 01-29-2011 02:51 PM
How many of you are married to your affair partner? BrokenFrag General Relationship Discussion 2 10-31-2008 08:06 PM
Is kissing someone else whilst you're married ok? Cancerian Man General Relationship Discussion 7 08-26-2008 03:05 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:12 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.