Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
ive posted a few times last year, long story short.
Been married 1 1/2 years only sex 3 times and more info below,
- tied counselling (5 sessions)
- we argue/fight but id say same as normal couples
- wife has depression
- sex only about 3 times in last 500 days and worse still 5 times in last 3 years
-still love her dearly
-talked a few times about the non sex issue and she doesnt get hornt anymore at all
- spoke tonight openly again and said i need sex and would prefer with u, or i even hinted at a threesome to get her involved
-hinted at getting a sex partner as im not turned on by paying for sex.
i actally feel that ive tried everything and at least i have been honest and communicated, I love her/our daughter/our house and want to stay but i just need sex.
i actually have 2 male friends but they are in their 50's who are still happily married but have a sex partner once a fortnight as there wives just dont get horny, this has been going on for 7 years. one wife got a disabled daughter and hasnt been able to more or less have sex since and she was upset and traumatised, the other wifes son died and hasnt had sex since.
its a risk, but im manning up a bit and more or less telling my wife that i cant except no sex in marriage anymore...thoughts?
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
Get divorced first. You can't have your marriage and pretty little house AND be a cheater. Yeah, those friends of yours are doing it and getting away with it because they value sex over morals.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
1) find better friends
2) fix the marriage or get out- if you truly love your wife then you wouldn't let her suffer from the pain that infidelity gives you
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
To do this ethically, clearly discuss what your intentions are with your wife and come to some sort of mutual agreement about the new boundaries of your relationship with her. At the very least, you have the option of being completely honest with her.
To do this non-ethically, find a willing lady nearby/google a dating site or something and make sure your wife doesn't find out. Because an affair + depressed wife = trouble.
Unsurprisingly, most people would choose option number two.
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
Hi Brendan ~
Go read through the stories of betrayed spouses in the Coping with Infidelity sub-forum and let their pain wash over you.
Your wife is already suffering with depression, and I know that you are suffering in all of this too. But adding a sex partner outside of your marriage will just bring additional pain and suffering in to a marriage with two who are already in pain and suffering. Adding an additional person will magnify the pain, not reduce it (and what kind of person would knowingly want to become a third-party in that kind of a situation?)
If you are manning up, then you know that you have two options. Stay the course with your wife with integrity or let her go with integrity. In either of those cases, you can get up in the morning and look yourself in the eye and believe in the man that you are.
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment
Hi Brendan ~
Go read through the stories of betrayed spouses in the Coping with Infidelity sub-forum and let their pain wash over you.
Your wife is already suffering with depression, and I know that you are suffering in all of this too. But adding a sex partner outside of your marriage will just bring additional pain and suffering in to a marriage with two who are already in pain and suffering. Adding an additional person will magnify the pain, not reduce it (and what kind of person would knowingly want to become a third-party in that kind of a situation?)
If you are manning up, then you know that you have two options. Stay the course with your wife with integrity or let her go with integrity. In either of those cases, you can get up in the morning and look yourself in the eye and believe in the man that you are.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
You will be excoriated by many for leaving her "just" because you want sex.
"How dare put a divorce on the plate of an already depressed woman! And just because you want to get your rocks off!"
Others will blame you for not making her want sex. "Every woman wants sex, you're just not sexy enough to turn her on" might be the sort of thing you hear.
She came into the marriage not wanting sex. If you had known you were signing a celibacy contract, you probably would have done things differently. I think you've got to get out.
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoWhat
You will be excoriated by many for leaving her "just" because you want sex.
"How dare put a divorce on the plate of an already depressed woman! And just because you want to get your rocks off!"
Others will blame you for not making her want sex. "Every woman wants sex, you're just not sexy enough to turn her on" might be the sort of thing you hear.
She came into the marriage not wanting sex. If you had known you were signing a celibacy contract, you probably would have done things differently. I think you've got to get out.
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
i dont want people feeling sorry for me, i feel sorry for my wife.
She honestly says "she just doesnt get horny anymore (ever).
I think she is telling the truth, what i cant understand is she never even trys to help me out.
I know she feels bad i really do, but a 28 year old man has needs.
In a perfect world i would keep going with the marriage and have sex with a sexy girl on the side with wife okay about it. but i know it probably wont work.
Just need sex and im starting to get anxiety because of it, average of once every 200 days in last 3 years insnt good.....
On other hand, if i do just end marriage, it will destroy her IMO
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
If she really felt bad, or was concerned about your happiness in the marriage, she'd take a hour out of her schedule once a week and enjoy some intimacy with you.
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
I doubt it will destroy her, she'll be hurt, it will suck for a while, but she'll get over it and move on with her life. What would probably "destroy her" would be finding out you went outside the marriage. If you don't want to destroy her, be honest with her and exit the marriage without cheating on her.
Re: thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married
Brendan,
Why is it ok with YOU, for you to be slowly destroyed through forced celibacy but not ok with YOU for her to have to go find another husband?
Why is it ok with HER, for you to be miserable for the next 50 years but NOT ok with HER to deal with some sadness and have to find another husband?
Your outcome together is a guarantee of total misery. If you divorce at least the two of you each have a chance at finding happiness with others.
Go look up 2 definitions:
1. parasitism
2. symbiosis
You are currently enabling her to do (1), when in truth all you are seeking is (2).
One last thing: You and she both know that SHE knew she didn't really feel desire BEFORE she married you. Basically she tricked you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brendan
i dont want people feeling sorry for me, i feel sorry for my wife.
She honestly says "she just doesnt get horny anymore (ever).
I think she is telling the truth, what i cant understand is she never even trys to help me out.
I know she feels bad i really do, but a 28 year old man has needs.
In a perfect world i would keep going with the marriage and have sex with a sexy girl on the side with wife okay about it. but i know it probably wont work.
Just need sex and im starting to get anxiety because of it, average of once every 200 days in last 3 years insnt good.....
On other hand, if i do just end marriage, it will destroy her IMO
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thinking of getting a sex partner whilst married 
