Are thoughts really just thoughts?
Let me start off with the fact my husband and I are absolutely crazy about each other. We are very open and honest with our feelings and thoughts, we work together on everything and we had yet to hit a bump we couldn't get over almost instantly till now. We just cant see eye to eye on this particular subject. Let me start off in an order...
One day my husband told me
"Even though I have occasional split-second thoughts of having sex with other women, I would never and could never have sex with anyone else since I found you because our sex life is so active and amazing and you have the perfect body that I am the most attracted to." (I personally have a very high sex drive, higher than his so he loves it)
So that conversation kind of burst that bubble of me being the only one in his "eyes" and I thought so highly and unrealistically of this because he literally, not using word to make sentence sound good, he literally compliments me every day. My shape. His favorite parts of me. How my mind makes me even more sexy. ETC. Not to lie though, it hit me pretty hard mentally. After a day of trying to process how he can be so into me and still have sex with other women (in his head) I decided to DROP it. He was honest. I just try to walk ahead of him when in public or I try to ignore the women around me and ignore his head turns because my mind instantly wants to go into "how is he having sex with this one in his head?"
He has said this is a natural thing he has done since he was attracted to females. He pictures the ones he is into naked. Occasionally thinks of sexual things and he says it happens in seconds and goes away in seconds. He said sometimes he doesn't realize he is doing it but he can catch himself at times. He says he does not actively seek out women to fantasize about them, its more of a passing thought if they catch his eye. So I do, I try to deal with it. He has never lied to me, that I know of so I have no reason to not trust him.
Here is where I get uncomfortable.
He has looked, many times from moments he happens to be in my line of sight, checking out underage girls. Not like gawking, but glancing, and then a little longer look when doing a double take. These girls are maybe 13-17.
I confronted him about this after this weekend I saw him do it twice. He swears he doesn't even remember doing it. He said he doesn't usually monitor age when he spots someone he is attracted too. This includes the sexual thoughts that last a "split-second". He said if he is checking out a girl that happens to be underage its because he is attracted to the body type, which is like mine, and its not like he is going to I.D every girl. I am very thin and small. Some people mistake me for 16-18 years old still. I am 31. I told him he should know, morally, that anyone that looks my size has the possibility to be underage. There is a difference in my shape and a teens shape. I do have mild curves and the muscle build is different in a child vs a women.
I told him he should have boundaries if he is going to allow sexual thoughts of random women in his head. He said they are just thoughts and it rarely happens and he forgets before he can retain anything about it. I said "how do you know you do it then?" He says its because he has done it so long. the best way I can describe it is like drinking water. He doesn't always pay attention to when he is getting a glass of water just like he doesn't always notice he is thinking in this manner. So after one of few fights over this, I just was in shock, we still went to bed in not only disagreement, but feeling ashamed and confused as to where to go from here.
He doesn't see what he does as wrong. I told him morally he should know better. Just because they are thoughts that no one can see, doesn't mean he should be thinking of them and not redirecting those thoughts. He asked if he should feel ashamed because he loves my body so much. I said "I guess if it doesn't deter you away from younger girls, yes than. If you put my body in the category of a teenage girl, I should feel ashamed of my own body when you want me." These are my thoughts. He said he would never ever act on it. I am a mother of a girl who will one day reach puberty and who will have friends over. He seriously didn't grasp why this made me feel sick.
He did feel guilty.
He did feel ashamed.
He does not like how I feel about it.
He has agreed to get counseling to see if its something that he can change.
He and I don't know what we would do without one another.
We are each others best friend.
We are compatible in every way a couple can be.
I don't want to feel disgusted with this.
I cant get over the fact that he wont set boundaries to where his eyes and thoughts wonder too.
Fine look at other women, even fantasize if you "have too" but keep yourself in check man.
I want to move past this and have it not effect our sex life.
I need help coping and not wanting to be so angry.
I am seeing my therapist this week.
Am I ok to feel betrayed and confused over thoughts?
Is this a normal reaction or am I being overactive?