Intimacy and Resentment - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #136 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Originally Posted by astral.wheats View Post
Wow, that is a really interesting and powerful way to think about intimacy. It reminds me of the work of Emmanuel Levinas, a French philosopher. I think I will look into this, it sounds like something that would be good to try with the wife.
Don't be surprised if it is hard work for both you and your wife.

Good luck.
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post #137 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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It seems you are basically getting variations of two conflicting pieces of advice here from various posters..................
Whoa! Mary, you really need to go professional with this stuff!
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post #138 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Accepting one way sex - when it is freely offered - is fine. I do so without hesitation.

But asking for it - is a very bad idea. Sorry.
Just as a counter-point....

I once asked my wife if it's "okay to ask".

Her response "If you don't ask, how am I supposed to know that you want a blowjob?".

This seems right to me. I greatly enjoy making my wife happy.

It sure helps if I know exactly what she wants.
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post #139 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Originally Posted by astral.wheats View Post
I think the 'responsive desire' idea is one we've researched a bit. I think she recognizes that this is her arousal pattern--she even pointed me to articles to read. .
So she knows about responsive desire and her takeaway from her readings is what? That she therefore has no obligation to give herself an opportunity to let you get her in the mood? That she should only have sex if she's spontaneously aroused?

I don't think she did enough reading.

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She is reacting to your intentions because she knows you are touching her that way to turn her on and for some reason this makes her feel manipulated. In truth, she is being manipulated. Manipulated into being aroused. Yes...and....?

The shift needs to be in the attitude toward sex. Does she think sex should be some organic unplanned spontaneous event? If she allows herself to be intentionally aroused what does that mean? Ask her?
The bolded.

I'm not a big fan of "The Talk" but I'd begin the next one by stating your assumptions:

That she loves you.

That she wants you to be happy.

That she values being married to you.

That she understands that this is a big problem for you and that she is willing to put some level of effort into improving the situation.

Ask her if those assumptions are valid before proceeding.
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post #140 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Attitudes about sex are multilayered but it's been my experience that young(er) women seem to think they are giving it up. They are not giving it up to their husbands. This is the confusing messaging girls and women struggle with. Don't give it up, make him work for it, make him put a ring on it, make him prove his worth. Okay but now you're married so....he has done all of that and you can ditch the attitude that you're giving something up.
Yup.
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post #141 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

Practicalities can get in the way of some of that. We generally finish essential chores around 8 every day (after work), and she needs to be in bed by 9:30 to get enough sleep to get up at 6 the next morning for work. We try to spend 8-9:30 together, but half the time she just wants to read.

We generally spend all of our weekends together - but about half of that is chores.

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
He can listen to a clinical psychologist who has decades of experience solving sexual issues in marriage by getting the couple to agree to date 15 hours a week:

"When a husband meets his wife's needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation.

I have created a rule that's designed to help couples meet each other's most important emotional needs. I call it the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of 15 hours each week using the time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This rule helps turn a sexual act into a sexual event. As a result, couples who follow this policy are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement. They plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date."

No where has the OP said he has done this- in fact, he said he should work towards this because it isn't happening in his marriage.

Alex, I remember you said you and your wife do spend a lot of time together- but do you really spend 15 hours/week dating? Or are you counting time passing each other in the kitchen, watching tv, doing chores? Dating is an entirely different thing. Women whose husbands treat them like they did when they were exclusively dating will desire sex as much as they did when they were exclusively dating.
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post #142 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Originally Posted by astral.wheats View Post
I think we meet each other's needs for conversation, but not necessarily recreation. I work a lot at home, and I have my own hobbies and activities that are important to me. So, lately we don't do a lot of things together, aside from sharing meals and watching TV if we're both zonked. The balance between doing my own thing, and finding things we can enjoy together is something I'll need to figure out.
Turn off the damned TV!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #143 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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I wonder how many people feel like they don't have to work for that sanctuary.
The very lucky ones.

The ones who are married to someone who genuinely cares about their happiness.
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post #144 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Practicalities can get in the way of some of that. We generally finish essential chores around 8 every day (after work), and she needs to be in bed by 9:30 to get enough sleep to get up at 6 the next morning for work. We try to spend 8-9:30 together, but half the time she just wants to read.

We generally spend all of our weekends together - but about half of that is chores.
Agreed. Practicalities also get in the way of sexual desire, which is why a goal of having sex every day is unrealistic for most people- most women will need time for other intimate emotional needs to be met in order to be enthusiastic about having sex.
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post #145 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Practicalities can get in the way of some of that. We generally finish essential chores around 8 every day (after work), and she needs to be in bed by 9:30 to get enough sleep to get up at 6 the next morning for work..
10 pm to 6 am sleep every day? Holy 🐮. My wife is like that too. Worse in fact, couple days a week she wakes up at 5 am for offshore conference call. Bed by 730 then.

I can't recall when I got SIX hours of sleep a day, and 8? Not a prayer.
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post #146 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

Every day??? That would be wonderful, but many of us would be happy with once a week, and some once a month.

I'd like twice a week.

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Agreed. Practicalities also get in the way of sexual desire, which is why a goal of having sex every day is unrealistic for most people- most women will need time for other intimate emotional needs to be met in order to be enthusiastic about having sex.
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post #147 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Every day??? That would be wonderful, but many of us would be happy with once a week, and some once a month.

I'd like twice a week.
Twice a week sounds perfectly reasonable to me, as long as the other 3 intimate needs in the marriage are being met regularly. The OP mentioned that daily would be his ideal, but he realizes the need to compromise to make time for the other 3.
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