Yes, this is the pattern that works well for us. I do things that turn her on, and that's when we have the best sex. I know it's when I'm assertive and confident that she responds with the most excitement, but she also doesn't want me to come on too strong. It's a tricky balance, and I'm not sure what exactly turns her on. We've had that conversation, but it wasn't super fruitful. I think she could be more explicit about what turns her on and what she likes. She generally doesn't want to be touched sensually unless she's aroused, and I think she needs to be touched sensually to become aroused. There's a circular impossibility to that. Maybe we can shift it.
She is reacting to your intentions because she knows you are touching her that way to turn her on and for some reason this makes her feel manipulated. In truth, she is being manipulated. Manipulated into being aroused. Yes...and....?
The shift needs to be in the attitude toward sex. Does she think sex should be some organic unplanned spontaneous event? If she allows herself to be intentionally aroused what does that mean? Ask her?
Attitudes about sex are multilayered but it's been my experience that young(er) women seem to think they are giving it up. They are not giving it up to their husbands. This is the confusing messaging girls and women struggle with. Don't give it up, make him work for it, make him put a ring on it, make him prove his worth. Okay but now you're married so....he has done all of that and you can ditch the attitude that you're giving something up.
You have your emotional stuff to unpack, passive, avoidant and maybe a tad emotionally dependent. She has her emotional stuff to unpack, attitudes toward married sex vs singlehood sex, and her coyness (or possibly not really knowing exactly what does turn her on, or maybe she knows but can't admit it) all need fresh air.
As others have pointed out, the sex issue has to be something you both work on together because you can do all sorts of mental gymnastics to get regular sex but the moment you wish to relax it all ends. As neuklas has admitted, he resents the level of efffort he has to put into getting laid. None of this makes for a happy marriage.
Can she relax and let you turn her on? Can she enjoy you learning her body and allow herself to respond? Can she rethink her attitudes about sex and see sex as a shared enjoyment no matter how messy the home is, or whatever kind of stress present that inhibits her from "wanting" sex?
"Honey, I just want to see how many orgasms you can have in 30 minutes so be quiet until the timer goes off."
"How many times can I bring you to the edge before you threaten me with death if I don't finish you off?"