I think we've lost track here.
OP said that he goes above and beyond to meet his wife's needs. They're being met. She's happy. His are NOT being met (well, one of his).
So what's he supposed to do? Meet her needs more?
I mean, I'm in this same position. I have literally asked my wife what else I can do, am I missing something, am I NOT meeting your needs? The answer is always no, everything's great, I love you. She appreciates everything I do, for her, for us, for the kids, for the house, for whatever. She tells me she appreciates it. She does her own fair share, of course - this isn't one-sided.
But according to her, there's not one need of hers that I'm not meeting.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like OP and his wife are the same. He IS being a good husband and partner.
What else does he need to do, in order to NOT have his wife tell him to go jerk off when he expresses interest in being sexually intimate with her?
He can listen to a clinical psychologist who has decades of experience solving sexual issues in marriage by getting the couple to agree to date 15 hours a week:
"When a husband meets his wife's needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation.
I have created a rule that's designed to help couples meet each other's most important emotional needs. I call it the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of 15 hours each week using the time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This rule helps turn a sexual act into a sexual event. As a result, couples who follow this policy are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement. They plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date."
No where has the OP said he has done this- in fact, he said he should work towards this because it isn't happening in his marriage.
Alex, I remember you said you and your wife do spend a lot of time together- but do you really spend 15 hours/week dating? Or are you counting time passing each other in the kitchen, watching tv, doing chores? Dating is an entirely different thing. Women whose husbands treat them like they did when they were exclusively dating will desire sex as much as they did when they were exclusively dating.