Intimacy and Resentment - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #121 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

I know. I was replying directly to this:

"How much time are you spending together meeting eachother's emotional needs? How often are you two having sex a week, and how often are you meeting her needs for intimate conversation, non-sexual affection, and companionship (doing fun things together)?

For women to desire sex, they need 2 things:

1. An emotional connection
2. The prospect of enjoyment

You may think you're doing enough to make her feel connected enough to desire sex, and it may be true that you do a ton for her, but if you're not spending enough time meeting her emotional intimate needs (listed above), she's simply not going to desire sex."


I don't disagree with it at all - he may not be meeting her needs, either. But my point is that if we have TWO people with unmet needs, why is it almost always the one with the higher sex drive that has to fix it?


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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Alex,
If you read what Mary35 wrote, the OP may be hovering and smothering.

And when I tell HD folk that they are doing so, I often get the ultimate level of resistance - which is blatant dismissal. What I mean is - they completely ignore all points related to their own smothering behavior.

And this is right here - is the 100th plus thread where: HD man meets LD woman. He wants to marry her non existent HD twin sister. He actually marries her - you know - the LD woman who actually exists. And proceeds to demand she turn into the HD woman he wanted. And he acts surprised and indignant that she isn't molding like clay beneath his fingers.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #122 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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And this is right here - is the 100th plus thread where: HD man meets LD woman. He wants to marry her non existent HD twin sister. He actually marries her - you know - the LD woman who actually exists. And proceeds to demand she turn into the HD woman he wanted. And he acts surprised and indignant that she isn't molding like clay beneath his fingers.
Well, many cases are like those, but an awfully large number of cases are present where LD-ness sorta came later, to much later.

Nobody talks about drive levels, granted, and it's where premarital counseling would be useful.
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post #123 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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She just doesn't see it as important and doesn't understand why I do.

For reasons neither of us understand, she typically sleeps very badly after we've had sex, even if it was hours before bedtime.
I'm the same way - not sleeping well after sex. Its frustrating cause he likes it at night cause he sleeps better after and I prefer morning or afternoon sex. Which doesn't always work out well with our schedules.
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post #124 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Of course depends on the person

I've had my wife tell me that something I was saying was getting her aroused and that I should stop because she had to [sleep / do chores / didn't feel like it tonight / miscellaneous excuse]
So... why would you stop?

Funny story - we have a friend who told us once, after a bit of drinking, that she gets aroused when she hears the word "****". It's almost like a trigger for her. Definitely different, but hey, whatever floats your boat!

My wife and I were at her house a few months back, helping her with some home repairs, and she couldn't think of the word "caulk". She started describing what it was, and my wife and I looked at each other, looked at her and said - at the same time - "CAULK!" That generated a few laughs... Followed by a few hours of teasing her about needing some, and that she can't use mine, she'll have to get her own, and if she wanted a big tube of it or if a small one will do...

We can be really juvenile adults at times...

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post #125 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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I know. I was replying directly to this:

"How much time are you spending together meeting eachother's emotional needs? How often are you two having sex a week, and how often are you meeting her needs for intimate conversation, non-sexual affection, and companionship (doing fun things together)?

For women to desire sex, they need 2 things:

1. An emotional connection
2. The prospect of enjoyment

You may think you're doing enough to make her feel connected enough to desire sex, and it may be true that you do a ton for her, but if you're not spending enough time meeting her emotional intimate needs (listed above), she's simply not going to desire sex."


I don't disagree with it at all - he may not be meeting her needs, either. But my point is that if we have TWO people with unmet needs, why is it almost always the one with the higher sex drive that has to fix it?
Because they are the one with the problem - the LD is perfectly happy with the way things are!!! And because here on TAM we are almost always talking to the HD - not the LD. if the LD were here we would tell them what they need to do!!!
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post #126 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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@She'sStillGotIt take it easy on the guy.

I hate to tell ya, but majority of men feel more connected to their partner when they get blow jobs and hand jobs.

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And the majority of women feel more connected to their partner when he makes time to talk with her and show interest in her, and be affectionate. And (many but not all) women who don't feel emotionally connected to their partner are not going to be interested in having sex (especially one-sided sex) without an environment that makes her feel emotionally connected.
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post #127 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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No, that really isn't it for many people and that misconception I think causes a lot of these issue.

Like most men and many women I can get myself off in a few minutes anytime I want. I the goal of sex were to get off, it would be completely stupid to go to all the effort of interacting with another person for that.

For most of us, the point of sex is not getting off. Its the interaction and intimacy with our partners.

Even quickies and sexual favors are about the interaction, not the O.

Its a little like food - you could have a TV dinner or other instant food every night if the only goal were sustenance. You may even eat fast food when you are hungry and want food, but a nice dinner with good company is completely different.
I love how you put this. It's so simple and easy to understand. I think MOST people feel this way, including HD's.

The problem, obviously, is that some people just fail to see it this way. Whether it's because they've never had an interest in sex (ie. true LD's) or their experiences have led them to believe this - either way, it sucks. And in each case, it's easily understandable - if they want to understand.

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post #128 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

Alex,

The person who works harder in every relationship - is almost always the person who loves more.

If you want someone to love you more - be more lovable and less available.



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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
I know. I was replying directly to this:

"How much time are you spending together meeting eachother's emotional needs? How often are you two having sex a week, and how often are you meeting her needs for intimate conversation, non-sexual affection, and companionship (doing fun things together)?

For women to desire sex, they need 2 things:

1. An emotional connection
2. The prospect of enjoyment

You may think you're doing enough to make her feel connected enough to desire sex, and it may be true that you do a ton for her, but if you're not spending enough time meeting her emotional intimate needs (listed above), she's simply not going to desire sex."


I don't disagree with it at all - he may not be meeting her needs, either. But my point is that if we have TWO people with unmet needs, why is it almost always the one with the higher sex drive that has to fix it?
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post #129 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

I started another thread on this. I'm very interested in any input you have on what might help.

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I'm the same way - not sleeping well after sex. Its frustrating cause he likes it at night cause he sleeps better after and I prefer morning or afternoon sex. Which doesn't always work out well with our schedules.
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post #130 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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Because they are the one with the problem - the LD is perfectly happy with the way things are!!! And because here on TAM we are almost always talking to the HD - not the LD. if the LD were here we would tell them what they need to do!!!
I think we've lost track here.

OP said that he goes above and beyond to meet his wife's needs. They're being met. She's happy. His are NOT being met (well, one of his).

So what's he supposed to do? Meet her needs more?

I mean, I'm in this same position. I have literally asked my wife what else I can do, am I missing something, am I NOT meeting your needs? The answer is always no, everything's great, I love you. She appreciates everything I do, for her, for us, for the kids, for the house, for whatever. She tells me she appreciates it. She does her own fair share, of course - this isn't one-sided.

But according to her, there's not one need of hers that I'm not meeting.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like OP and his wife are the same. He IS being a good husband and partner.

What else does he need to do, in order to NOT have his wife tell him to go jerk off when he expresses interest in being sexually intimate with her?

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #131 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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I think we've lost track here.

OP said that he goes above and beyond to meet his wife's needs. They're being met. She's happy. His are NOT being met (well, one of his).

So what's he supposed to do? Meet her needs more?

I mean, I'm in this same position. I have literally asked my wife what else I can do, am I missing something, am I NOT meeting your needs? The answer is always no, everything's great, I love you. She appreciates everything I do, for her, for us, for the kids, for the house, for whatever. She tells me she appreciates it. She does her own fair share, of course - this isn't one-sided.

But according to her, there's not one need of hers that I'm not meeting.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like OP and his wife are the same. He IS being a good husband and partner.

What else does he need to do, in order to NOT have his wife tell him to go jerk off when he expresses interest in being sexually intimate with her?
He can listen to a clinical psychologist who has decades of experience solving sexual issues in marriage by getting the couple to agree to date 15 hours a week:

"When a husband meets his wife's needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation.

I have created a rule that's designed to help couples meet each other's most important emotional needs. I call it the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of 15 hours each week using the time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This rule helps turn a sexual act into a sexual event. As a result, couples who follow this policy are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement. They plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date."

No where has the OP said he has done this- in fact, he said he should work towards this because it isn't happening in his marriage.

Alex, I remember you said you and your wife do spend a lot of time together- but do you really spend 15 hours/week dating? Or are you counting time passing each other in the kitchen, watching tv, doing chores? Dating is an entirely different thing. Women whose husbands treat them like they did when they were exclusively dating will desire sex as much as they did when they were exclusively dating.
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post #132 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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And the majority of women feel more connected to their partner when he makes time to talk with her and show interest in her, and be affectionate. And (many but not all) women who don't feel emotionally connected to their partner are not going to be interested in having sex (especially one-sided sex) without an environment that makes her feel emotionally connected.
I totally agree with you @Jessica38. It sounded like OP did attempt to connect to his W but nothing was changing therefore OP checked out and is now giving the cold shoulder and now is resenting her.





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post #133 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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I totally agree with you @Jessica38. It sounded like OP did attempt to connect to his W but nothing was changing therefore OP checked out and is now giving the cold shoulder and now is resenting her.
I think we meet each other's needs for conversation, but not necessarily recreation. I work a lot at home, and I have my own hobbies and activities that are important to me. So, lately we don't do a lot of things together, aside from sharing meals and watching TV if we're both zonked. The balance between doing my own thing, and finding things we can enjoy together is something I'll need to figure out.
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post #134 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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I think we meet each other's needs for conversation, but not necessarily recreation. I work a lot at home, and I have my own hobbies and activities that are important to me. So, lately we don't do a lot of things together, aside from sharing meals and watching TV if we're both zonked. The balance between doing my own thing, and finding things we can enjoy together is something I'll need to figure out.
Oh. Yea man you have to figure that out and it should be fun for you and not a chore. Don't expect sex right away it takes time.

It's a two way street. Maybe look into some self help books that require both of you to understand each other more.

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post #135 of 147 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: Intimacy and Resentment

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So what's he supposed to do? Meet her needs more?
Elementary, my dear Alex. She expects 95% effort for 5% return.

This works for a while until the giver has a major WTF moment and realizes he's being played by the taker.
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