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Talk of sex with-in Marriage

6K views 48 replies 17 participants last post by  DTO 
#1 ·
After 7 years of trying to get my husband interested in having sex with me, from waking him with oral sex, naughty outfits, nude photos in lunch box, attempts at role playing, suggestions of sex night, trying new things on my sex to do list, asking about everything from 3somes to watching or making porn together... He expressed that he dreaded having sex with me and has always done a good job of keeping busy, having company or feeling under the weather...

I was blessed my parents have since provided me with a variety of toys to keep me happy and to prevent his frustrations I have traded something sexy and see through for wearing his pj pants while wandering around in the evenings, Since we havent shared a bed now in over 9 years.

Just this morning he talked to me about sex, asking why I have quit sending nude photos via text... and get dressed as soon as he enters the room for his sleeping shift. He accused me of cheating on him, after all I have recently agreed to a divorce. I simply told him that I was sorry for my advances over the years, with all the rejection I am more than happy to take care of myself and asked if sex was something he now desired...he said he missed my attempts

Overly excited I got ready for a full evening of oral, vag and Anal sex to learn he is once again not interested...

Should I pursue a sexual relationship, Should I attempt to talk if we get a moment with out company... or should I just admit defeat... I fear I am confused with his mixed signals
 
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#4 ·
We have three children, I am so blessed to say.

Yes my Parents have provided me with toys (sex toys) because dear when you express a concern for sexual needs and frustrations to your mother, haha she assured me that they will cover me while in my youth but warned me of post menopause sexual peak for women... Rather thankful I am 20 some years away from that yet...

I am rather confused about my husband lately... he has always been a hard one to figure out. Sexual issues are just one of several issues that I have taken care of myself...

My attempts to understand the mixed signals of todays conversation (really nothing more than a 5 min mention) but I wanted to know... if possible what I should take that as... and what my reaction/ actions should reflect...

I am sorry to say that rarely does he make time to communicate with me so I fear clearfying is out of the question...

My agreeing to a divorce is rather a ploy... if you do so take it that way to determine my worth (for it seems I have had none for the last 9 years) and is a response per a request that is 4 years in the making... I believe that I owe him to do what he feels in his best interests
 
#6 ·
Also having gotten married young, All I know of adulthood is my day to day routine and centers around his cares above all else... work kids home... although I have with everything else a well practiced balance.

Also I fear the actions and down right refuse to take part in the activities of others in their 20's and even 30's... My husband always saying I should have married a man in his 50's
 
#7 ·
He said he dreads it, That the more I want it the less he wants it. That I strip him of feeling manly with my requests and advances.

I thought with taking a careless attitude towards sex it would allow him to take action and be the one to have the thought... sending hints like nude texts... and taking showers at his shower time with the hope of him joining me... sleeping nude and so on...

that was going on 4 years ago... then today this spark of hope after agreeing to a divorce (after christmas to not disappoint the children) and have omited my usual attempts during a period of 2 weeks
 
#8 ·
Men don't just dread sex without another reason behind it. Was he abused as a child? Is he not attracted to you? Just seems odd.

In any case...if my husband said he dreaded sex with me and we weren't intimate in 9 years and I was jumping through hoops to get his attention, I'd be GONE.

Then I'd jump through some hoops to some hottie who could appreciate my sexuality with me :)
 
#9 ·
Wait, he said you strip him of his manliness when you make advances...so you stop and he complains you aren't making advances? Then accuses you of cheating...

He's either 1. Crazy or 2. Cheating on you. Is that possible?
 
#48 ·
My $0.02: he does not want you, but wants you to want him.

In other words, everybody wants to think highly of themselves and that includes the realm of sexual attractiveness. What better way to think that you've still got it than to have your spouse constantly pursuing you?

He had the ego boost of being pursued. Plus, since you had been pursuing constantly he had all the power. He figured you would always be there to woo him, tend to the family, etc. - for free. He did not have to do anything in return (or maybe he'd have sex with you once in a while when he was horny or wanted to prevent conflict).

Now, you've not only damaged his ego but threatened his comfortable routine. He cannot control you and must choose between unappealing alternatives (participating in your sexual happiness, being alone, or finding someone else). So, he's lashing out from anger: "You must have had an affair" (because you aren't pursuing him), "you're a pervert / sex addict", "who would want you", "you don't know how good you have it".

You've already had the affair card thrown at you. Because my ex did exactly this to me, I can make some predictions with a fair degree of certainty:
* you will have other accusations thrown at you
* he will maintain that you are directly at fault or that expecting him to address his issues is unreasonable.
* if he decides he can make it alone, or finds a situation that works better for him, he will bail on you in a hurry. Respect for the commitment and patience you've shown simply will not happen.

Sorry if that's a hard truth to face, but I was caught flat-footed, know how bad it feels, and would like to help someone else by providing the advice I wish someone had given me.
 
#10 ·
It is just the way he always has been, I am thankful that he has given me the children... I fear that I have guilt in my selfishness for the past, had he requested we no longer watch a tv show because he dreaded it... would I not follow his wishes... I have taken steps to take care of myself... also causing issues with him because of the way it feels... upon occasion when caught, but expressed that I was sorry but that it was needed and my have to be tolerated.

I exercise often and try my hardest to be attractive at all times with out making him feel bad.

I have mentioned his relationships with male friends fear that may have been a factor, but he assured me not.

I more than anything wondering what I should make of his mention... and my actions...

For if he indeed desires a divorce it would be improper to send nude photos and what not...
 
#12 ·
Any chance he could be gay? (either openly, or not admitting it to himself)

It is a serious question. Many gay men would fit your husbands description - they married young and had kids - all in an effort to prove to someone (themselves or others) that they are not gay. And in their marriages they are healthy but not much interested in sex with their wives (though they do it and do want the kids). I've known such a couple where he didn't come out to her until they were divorcing with 3 kids.
 
#14 ·
My husband is child like and doesnt much care for the children... I did ask for them and I take sole care for them thankful to have them...

I have asked him, indirectly several times esp this last year since his friend has escaped the grasp of his wife. His attention to his friends son far outweighs the love for his own children so that the children take note and my oldest get frustrated with my explanations calling them excuses for daddy.

Although I drove myself to the hospital and took care of the children while my extended family were on their way take them for me... he did come while I was having our latest but was too busy talking on phone with his friends soon to be wife about wardrobe for their(his friend and soon to be wife) up and coming wedding to take notice...

We also visited the hospital when their son was born and get them costly gifts and supplies while I am rather content with the yardsale stuff I am able to provide... I am also removed from the home while they are over. This leads me to believe that the problem is indeed me even though other than her and his mother he seems to have a general dislike of all women, but me esp. Not in my favor is the fact that his mother is very openly against me and has been trying since the date we got married to get us to divorce... wearing black to morn our weddin...Thankful that I am useful and needed he requires a great deal of care and I am described as "low maintenance"
 
#24 ·
My husband is child like and doesnt much care for the children... I did ask for them and I take sole care for them thankful to have them...
This is kinda sad to me and not a marriage. Did you know from the beginning he didn't really want children? He helped you conceive them, but has nothing to do really with the raising of them. Nice.
 
#16 ·
I think that I shall leave things as they are with his mention... seeing that under the circumstances of desiring a divorce it would be wrong for me more now than ever to attempt to get his attention.

I have always been easy to get excited... where he is concerned just hearing him passing the door to go to the restroom at night is enough to make my heart race and my hair stand up on end...

I have sent no suggestive texts this evening and have gotten nothing more than his friend Drama and personal issues via text thus far this evening

Do you suppose that I acted rash in regards to his earlier comment?
 
#18 ·
I am sorry.... I dont mean to be, I have spent several years being thankful for what I have and have tried very much to diminish any reminders of my being unsatisfied...

I have tried read every dr laura and Dr Rosenberg I have gone to Eap seaking therapy although rejected...

I want to thank you all for your many thought filled words trying to come up with a solution as well as helping me to seek a deeper problem with in the problem.
 
#20 ·
Who the hell wouldn't be confused?

I can only say I have never knowingly met a man like this, and therefore he is (at least) at the bleeding edge of "normal" (more bluntly - this ain't normal, at all.)

My opinion is that there is something embedded deeply in him that is at the back of this, and it's far beyond the power of an internet forum to fix. If YOU could fix it, I think by now it would be fixed.

Either he gets some form of professional help and sticks to it, or it won't get better.

But he has to see it as his problem before he will do that. Good luck.
 
#21 ·
Yep he has issues.... I usually go to the Gay card, and may lean that way too.

However you come on way too strong. Heck I'd be scared to death and worried about performance anxiety reading what you want, your preoccupation concerning sex and how forward you are in trying to get it.

How about just saying "I want to ave sex, how about it?" Yes sexy texts/lingerie/a surprise note and advances are fun in moderation. Sounds like you are on him 24/7.

That said I agree that divorce sounds the best option, as he seems like a real headcase (particularly how he treats the kids).
 
#22 ·
Prior to 2007 I was too attentive I would try to get him interested in sex sometimes several times a week...

Just as sad that I was to be rejected he equally resented my advances...

After he expressed his feelings towards sex... I realized that sex didnt make our relationshionship... I have tried to make it up to him and have made it a point to not make him feel uncomfortable...

I thank you dear I wish that I knew what I know now...
 
#23 ·
Without sex there is really no marriage; you are roommates. I also wonder if he is gay. There have been many instances just like yours where that has been the case. You have done your best. I feel that you have been severely mistreated and you have stayed in this sham of a marriage far too long. Children are much better served by having two parents that love each other and show it. There is no modeling of this type of healthy behavior in your home.
 
#25 ·
The children and I meet him at the door we stand and wave as he leaves no matter what we had been doing, or what the weather or how long it takes. The children and I often talk about unconditional love in marriage, how to be a considerate spouse and we practice problem solving between siblings. I agree with the great desire to have an affectionate parent role model but have made the most for what I have to work with, I do hope haha.

I have talked with my husband this very morning, he brought up things I have never heard of, will have to define

A-sexual being one... the reason behind missing my nude photos and sexy talk is because it makes him feel attractive, desired and confident (which is why I continued since 08... noticing a difference in his attitude, fears of his aging, worries of his weight...)

When I cry at night, in my room after I see how upset he is, he says it makes him feel powerful and assured. He mentions divorce because he doesnt want me to leave and he may appear angry but infact he is sad for I am all he knows to.

I have taken a life of no expectation, and for that I am not disappointed, I have seen things and even myself through his eyes. I feel for him and try so hard with each renewed day because I am helpless to offer assistance any other way.

I have learned to take care of myself sexually and even hold guilt for my secret desires...But for that I still able to laugh at myself... my theme song my husband pointed out...Flight of the Conchords- Business Time - YouTube

I think this talk was very helpful to my seeking answers that I so desired. For had it not been for all the questions and comments I would have been content living in wonder but you all have made me find something in myself that I didnt know was there... For that I am so greatly thankful.
 
#26 ·
The thing about living and abiding gods laws is that you think you know someone you have the proper talks about situations, holiday arrangements, children and roles... But once I got married I found so very much to be different...

I didnt realize he had no desire for sex and didnt in turn realize how sexual I was until we did it. He didnt realize how he would be as a parent until after we had our oldest child, although his mother stated he always found children annoying even as a small child himself.

I have always assumed when you vow to care for some one there isnt fine print and seeing I only can change myself... I have done so and because of my husbands lack, he has made me to to a strong knowlegeable and talented woman!! for that the children and for making me a wife of 10.5 years I am greatly thankful...

My H and his mother have plans for us to divorce this spring... I will take it for what it is and will see what is to be, in the mean time I am pleased to have cleared up my confusion with the help of all you folks XO thank you all so very much!!!
 
#28 ·
The thing about living and abiding gods laws is that you think you know someone you have the proper talks about situations, holiday arrangements, children and roles... But once I got married I found so very much to be different...
There is a good reason for this. We are all broken people, no exceptions. Some of the broken get the help they need to become more healthy, others do not. Sometimes as hard as you try, there is nothing you can do but start over. That is why there is this thing called grace.
 
#27 ·
I really do not know what to tell you. You seem like a awfully nice person, maybe to nice. I do think you love your husband and want things to be better with you and your family.

I guess continue to take care of yourself sexually, because it seems thats all you can do at this point. And keep taking care of and raising your kids to the best of your ability. If he comes around and changes, thats good. If not, I guess divorce is on the table or you stay with the way things are. I think you have a good attitude about things either way. I'm surprised you are not cold hearted and bitter because of all of this, but you do not hit me as being that way. Good luck to you.
 
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