My husband won't help improve our sex life - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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My husband won't help improve our sex life

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. We rushed into marriage a bit, because I was pregnant. We were happy and loved each other, it just sped things up. I was young and didn't put too much importance on a good sex life. I have never had an orgasm from anything but a vibrator. Not from a man or my own hands. So maybe this is all a waste of worry, and I just can't do it.

Since our daughter was born my husband's sex drive has taken a pretty big hit, as has the quality of our sex. Saying the sex sucks would be fair. We don't kiss, don't look at each other, always 1 of 3 positions. It's like I'm not even there. I am there, still and silent and my mind wanders to anything other than what we're doing or wondering when he will be done. The thing is... he says he enjoys our sex life. I read about many men complaining because their wife is a "dead fish", apparently mine likes that?! What? Half the problem is he doesn't last long at all. If I act into it, kiss him, touch him, he lasts for about 1 second. In the beginning of our relationship the sex was good, but I had to hold back on showing any sign that it was good if I wanted it to last. Now (and I don't know why) the sex physically doesn't feel good for me. There is just no pleasure anymore. He rarely goes down on me, if he does he doesn't have patience. Yesterday he said maybe we are sexually incompatible, but he doesn't even try to fix it!

He also won't tell me what he's into (fantasies or fetishes). There has to be something, but he says he doesn't have any. I searched his internet history to try and see what porn he looks at, but didn't really find anything because he clears his history or uses incognito. The only ones that I saw were Asian (can't do anything about that), lesbian (he has said it would be hot, but I'm not bi so no), MFM or FMF (says he isn't into), and two videos of a guy having anal penetration from a woman/toy (says he is not into at all). I know people can look at random stuff, I have.

I just don't know what to do at this point. The rest of our relationship is a work in progress, but sex isn't improving at all. I want good sex... I have never had what I'd consider great sex and my mind sometimes wanders to cheating or being with other men. I almost, or maybe not really but could have, cheated a 3 days ago and I don't want that.
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

Why don't​ you get a vibrator and introduce it into your sex play? My husband doesn't​ last long either so we got a vibrator and we'll use it to keep me stimulated while he 'calms down'. Also it sounds like you need more for play. It will definitely help

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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

Also could there be no pleasure because you've already decided there won't be before starting sex due to your previous experiences?

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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

You say he's not doing anything to try to improve things but it doesn't sound like you're doing anything beyond complaining either OP. He has issues with premature ejaculation which is most often linked to anxiety, your impatience won't help. What practical things have you guys tried? ****-rings? Reducing the time between ejaculating? Vibrator on you till right before you cum and then he inserts?
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

Your post seems so full of contradictions. You've never given yourself an orgasm with your own hands and feel as if you are wasting your time worrying about something unimportant. But yet you want a better sex life and blame your husband for not taking responsibility for improving your pleasure.

While pleasure can be given and taken, it generally works better when you take responsibility for your own pleasure and then share that with your partner.

Have you ever used a vibrator in front of your husband?
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

I have bought different vibrators and my husband is totally fine (and encouraging) for me to use them during sex, or on my own. I find them awkward to use during sex, it feels like it interferes with the penetration aspect. My husband is "one and done", once he finishes we're done for the day. He is totally turned off as soon as he finishes, so even I'm not done and use a vibrator he gets up and leaves or lays beside me ignoring me. He says he likes when I use a toy while we're just laying in bed, but it's awkward as hell because he doesn't "participate" at all. Just stares at the TV or his phone. No touching my, no kissing.

I want it to feel good, I don't think I'm psyching myself out.

I don't think I'm just complaining... I don't think I'm impatient...I don't know maybe I'm wrong and just being a *****...

He refuses to use a **** ring. We bought a numbing spray but he refused to use that after we got it. If I use a vibrator and remove it right before I orgasm, shows over and it won't happen. I have to leave it there through the orgasm.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

Some women get to the point that they can only orgasm with a vibrator because that's all they do. A vibrator is more stimulating than a hand or oral. But, there are things you can do to learn or orgasm without a vibrator.

Your husband seems to be having his own problems with sex.

You two sound like great candidates for going to a sex therapist. Why not find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist and fix this? It's a lot less heart breaking and expensive than a divorce.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

I have asked him if he'd want to try sex therapy. He doesn't think we need it and thinks it is a waste of money.

I've used a vibrator to orgasm for 10-ish years. So maybe our issues are my fault...
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

When you use a vibrator, do you use it on your clitoris, or do you insert it into your vagina? Many women do not find vaginal insertion sexually arousing. My wife does not. She can only be aroused and climax by having her clitoris massaged.

I've read that there is a huge percentage of women this is true for. Something around a third or more.

In our case it works fine, since I enjoy performing cunnilingus on her for long periods of time. When we do get around to vaginal sex one of us masturbates her clitoris. Mary also does have a vibrator which she occasionally uses while we are having traditional Penis In Vagina sex.

My personal suspicion about your enjoyment is if you go too long without an orgasm sexual stimulation can become a bother instead of a blessing. I swear I read that somewhere once.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

When I use a vibrator I put it on my clitoris. I (or anyone else) have never been able to find my g-spot. I'm starting to think the thing is a myth. I've tried toys that are suppose to target that area and I don't feel anything special. My husband has tried time and time again with no luck. Using a toy for penetration doesn't hit my g-spot but does feel better than sex. For me (and I don't like saying it because it's embarrassing) anal sex feels better than vaginal sex. I don't know why. But my husband isn't into it AT ALL. He suggested using a toy during sex for double penetration but it physically would not work.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

Is he willing to take care of you first - oral, vibrator, whatever works?

One and done can be an issue physically, many men can't get an erection again, but that shouldn't stop him from finding other ways to please you.

Was he always like this?

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Originally Posted by cmwife View Post
I have bought different vibrators and my husband is totally fine (and encouraging) for me to use them during sex, or on my own. I find them awkward to use during sex, it feels like it interferes with the penetration aspect. My husband is "one and done", once he finishes we're done for the day. He is totally turned off as soon as he finishes, so even I'm not done and use a vibrator he gets up and leaves or lays beside me ignoring me. He says he likes when I use a toy while we're just laying in bed, but it's awkward as hell because he doesn't "participate" at all. Just stares at the TV or his phone. No touching my, no kissing.

I want it to feel good, I don't think I'm psyching myself out.

I don't think I'm just complaining... I don't think I'm impatient...I don't know maybe I'm wrong and just being a *****...

He refuses to use a **** ring. We bought a numbing spray but he refused to use that after we got it. If I use a vibrator and remove it right before I orgasm, shows over and it won't happen. I have to leave it there through the orgasm.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

The G-spot issue is often debated. Mary's is not useful, either. I have studied anatomy, advanced courses, and I do know exactly where to feel for it. I know what I am feeling. She just has low sensation there. Personally I think that was good while bearing the babies. Let the controversy go on, it doesn't matter. The clitoris is right there, easy to find, and a wonderful toy.

For Mary she needed to free her mind to learn to have orgasms with only her fingers. That was a significant step for her. She had special problems to overcome to be able to think about sex, so she is a poor case study. She's all I have, though. For her the vibrator was what I considered industrial muscle to overcome her psychological reluctance.

However, I was always right there encouraging her, doing everything I could to make sure she had as sexual an environment around her as I could figure out she might need. I suspect you are going to need to learn to achieve orgasms without a vibrator on your own, where the distraction of having a partner who is ignoring you is not putting a dampening effect on your ardor. Which brings you to the question of what do you think about while you touch yourself?

That's where Mary got stalled out. She could not think about sex, for years she would just panic.

And since this is a public forum, lots of people will rage it is wrong to think about sex, to fantasize. Personally I think fantasies are fun, and add to the richness of life. Everyone needs to decide for themselves, of course.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

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Originally Posted by cmwife View Post
I have bought different vibrators and my husband is totally fine (and encouraging) for me to use them during sex, or on my own. I find them awkward to use during sex, it feels like it interferes with the penetration aspect. My husband is "one and done", once he finishes we're done for the day. He is totally turned off as soon as he finishes, so even I'm not done and use a vibrator he gets up and leaves or lays beside me ignoring me. He says he likes when I use a toy while we're just laying in bed, but it's awkward as hell because he doesn't "participate" at all. Just stares at the TV or his phone. No touching my, no kissing.

I want it to feel good, I don't think I'm psyching myself out.

I don't think I'm just complaining... I don't think I'm impatient...I don't know maybe I'm wrong and just being a *****...

He refuses to use a **** ring. We bought a numbing spray but he refused to use that after we got it. If I use a vibrator and remove it right before I orgasm, shows over and it won't happen. I have to leave it there through the orgasm.
I had one of those and life never got better. Knowing what I do now I would have given him 6 months to seek therapy and to take pro active steps to improve the situation instead of wasting years. On the flip side we managed to have 3 amazing children.

Have since repartnered with a man that I am sexually compatible with and yes the grass is greener on the other side.

Honestly sweet heart don't waste your pretty years on a non sexual man, the resentment and frustration will suck the life out of you.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Is he willing to take care of you first - oral, vibrator, whatever works?

One and done can be an issue physically, many men can't get an erection again, but that shouldn't stop him from finding other ways to please you.

Was he always like this?
Sort of. He wants me to use a vibrator first, but he won't use it. He just lays beside me, doesn't talk, doesn't touch me, doesn't kiss me. He will go down on me, but not long enough for me to orgasm. I've never timed it, but maybe 5-10 minutes then he's bored or just done.

Once he ejaculates he's totally done. He isn't in the mood at all and has never laid a finger on me once he's done. He doesn't want to and won't. So if he finishes first, which he always does, funs over and I can finish alone if I want to. In the beginning of our relationship he was much more willing to take care of me first, sometimes after. He also won't touch my boobs since having a baby, apparently breastfeeding ruined that for him and he went from being a "boob guy" to an "ass guy".
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: My husband won't help improve our sex life

Honestly, it sounds to me like he doesn't care if you orgasm or not. Do I have that right? He rarely attempts to please you and he gives up easily. And he turns down any suggestions from you to seek help.

I'd tell him this is a problem for you and that you need improvement in this area.

I'd tell him from now on you need his help making sure you come. And that you plan to go first. Only then will you two move on to his orgasm.
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