Preventing sexless marriages
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-12-2012, 10:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Preventing sexless marriages

Putting sex *back* into sexless marriages is the usual topic here.

It is, by all indications, a very difficult task in most cases and requires initiative by both spouses. To a great extent, the low/no-drive spouse has to want to want to put sex back in the relationship, or want to make things better, etc.

I've seen people talk about months, years, and decades they've spent trying to fix the problem.

If fixing things proves actually or practically impossible, the three remaining options look to be: 1) remain celibate forevermore, 2) look outside the marriage for sex [either with our without spousal consent], or 3) Divorce.

1) is almost unimaginable for me. Some members here seem resigned to it, but they're likely in the minority.
2) is frowned upon. Spousal consent does not appear to be likely for the vast majority of sexless marriages (which still confuses me, but that's another issue)
3) means heartbreak, trauma for your kids, and financial hardship. It's the 'nuclear option' and it DOES appear to be a sort of MAD strategy.


How do we avoid this sort of thing in the first place?

Encourage pre-marital discussions about sexual levels and expectations?
- This seems reasonable but perhaps not good at predicting the future frequency for two reasons:

1) One side will have an incentive to misrepresent the level of sexual desires/needs they have. This is unlikely to be malicious - it's just something that they probably don't honestly think will be a big deal. Or they believe their level of sexuality will change when they're married. This looks like a 'bait-and-switch' to the other partner later on.


2) Sexual desires/needs may actually change. The spouse who actually DID want their partner 5x a week 10 years ago may change to a 5x a year person, through changes in hormones or long-term resentment or whatever. Again, it looks like a "bait-and-switch" when things change, even if the 'bait' was honest earlier.


Encourage future spouses to be more flexible with their spouse's sexuality?
- That is, adjust the sexual expectations of the marriage. If a spouse doesn't desire sex, they don't demand life-long chastity from the other spouse to keep the marriage intact. Remove the ability to veto another person's entire future sex life by redefining what 'fidelity' means.

As mentioned above, very few partners who don't actually desire sex with their spouse seem to be okay with their spouse having sex. So this seems fruitless; no matter how 'rational' it seems to allow a partner who has been withheld sex to go to 3rd parties for it, very few are comfortable with it. It's 'cheating' still.

Does anyone have advice to the great masses of how to avoid getting into this impossible situation in the first place?
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Old 01-12-2012, 11:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

I will do whatever it takes on my end to make sure my marriage will never be sexless. I'm the type who will usually grin and bear it if there is some pain, which I can say happens at a certain point in my cycle and my cervix is lower and gets hit sometimes. If I simply couldn't do it vaginally anymore, I'd be more than happy to replace it with hj's, bj's, anal or anything else that doesn't involve another person. Pleasing my partner is important to me.
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Old 01-12-2012, 11:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

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Originally Posted by SoWhat View Post
Does anyone have advice to the great masses of how to avoid getting into this impossible situation in the first place?
-Love your spouse, take care of their needs.
-Love yourself, maintain a strong self respect
-Communicate, changes, desires, and needs
-Make it known that sex isn`t an option but the default.
-Make it known that a lack of sex is a deal breaker.


That`s all I got.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

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I will do whatever it takes on my end to make sure my marriage will never be sexless. I'm the type who will usually grin and bear it if there is some pain, which I can say happens at a certain point in my cycle and my cervix is lower and gets hit sometimes. If I simply couldn't do it vaginally anymore, I'd be more than happy to replace it with hj's, bj's, anal or anything else that doesn't involve another person. Pleasing my partner is important to me.
And do it with enthusiasm and desire. There is nothing worse than a spouse who gives in to sex out of sense of duty or as a dreaded chore that must be taken care of. Ughh.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

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And do it with enthusiasm and desire. There is nothing worse than a spouse who gives in to sex out of sense of duty or as a dreaded chore that must be taken care of. Ughh.
Agreed, 100%
It makes me happy to make my S/O happy.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

SoWhat--

Good topic!

Preventing a Sexless Marriage is a CHOICE.

The good news and bad news about marriage is that it allows us to take our spouses for granted. This is good when we are sick and need someone to bring us medicine and make us soup. We take for granted that our spouse loves us enough to stay despite how miserable we may be to live with in the short-term.

Taking our spouses for granted is bad when it means we stop caring about how we treat them on a day-to-day basis. It is bad when we stop saying "Please" and "Thank you" at the dinner table. It is bad when we start being more polite to strangers than we are to our spouses. it is bad when we start using our homes as a place to "dump" all of our angers and frustrations and stress and petty complaints.

Spouses must make a conscious choice about the quality of their marriage. (And that does not mean promising to give BJs or always being willing to perform on certain nights or even guranteeing that your sexual wants and needs will not change over the years.)

Spouses must choose to treat each other as though they see each other as THE most important person in all the world.

Spouses must also choose to see with their hearts instead of their eyes....and not to fixate on petty physical things like hair loss and weight gain.

It is easy to fall into bad habits. Be conscious of how you treat your spouse at all times. Work on the small day-to-day things.

The larger issues will take care of themselves...
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

Sex starts long before the two spouses are in bed. All the interactions with each other during the day, will greatly determine if there is going to be more or less sexual intimacy happening.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.
True. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for something less than 100% certainty.

Calling sex "icky" - which my brother's fiance has done - is probably some sort of indication, right?
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

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Originally Posted by SoWhat View Post
True. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for something less than 100% certainty.

Calling sex "icky" - which my brother's fiance has done - is probably some sort of indication, right?
when someone calls sex icky that is a huge red flag.....

better give your brother the heads up and steer him over to this site.


he will still marry her but you will be able to tell him I TOLD YOU SO.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
when someone calls sex icky that is a huge red flag.....

better give your brother the heads up and steer him over to this site.


he will still marry her but you will be able to tell him I TOLD YOU SO.
Yep better nip that in the bud now!
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

He knows. It's going to be sad.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

One 100% successful approach is to not marry.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

I never have understood how sex could be icky. I mean I understand in certain cases of where abuse has/had been present or if your in constant pain either from a medical issue or an uncaring partner. But for a healthy adult individual, I just can't fathom it. It's always baffled me to be honest. I really feel sorrow for folks who don't enjoy sex to the fullest.

I guess everyone has their differences though.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Preventing sexless marriages

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
the only sure 100% way to insure that you won't end up in a sexless marriage is to never get married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
One 100% successful approach is to not marry.
Is there an echo in here?

On the premise that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, it's got to worth discussing. Solutions are generally going to encompass things like:

Free and frank communication;
Meeting needs without overwhelming expectation;
Compromise;
Being willing to be taught and lead
etc.

You know, all of those things that involve mutually, tolerance, love, agreement and plain effort that lots of people would rather have their hands nailed to the table than actually do themselves...
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