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Question for the Wives

27K views 252 replies 54 participants last post by  jld 
#1 ·
Why would you rarely perform oral sex on your husband when you know he loves it?

I will be talking to the Mrs. on this later. I am thoroughly vexed. I am purposefully withholding information so I don't influence the feedback. I will share more about my particular situation later.
 
#3 ·
I have communicated my desires to her and I do satisfy her needs when do have sex. I am in great shape and have excellent hygiene.

However, what if my wife may not actually know? Sounds weird, but there are a lot of factors in play here. She had an unpleasant experience in the past, felt pressured/manipulated in prior relationships, and is devoutly Christian. She tells me she wants to please me and I have never been turned down for regular sex, but somehow, someway, oral sex for me never seems to happen. If I bluntly request it, she may do it for a bit.

I don't like pressuring her for obvious reasons. We have discussed this and it is obvious I like it, so if she doesn't volunteer when it is obvious, I'd don't like asking. I feel like I am begging.

I want to know what is going on inside her head.
 
#8 ·
Funny thing is, she has never told me that. I asked that several times. She has done it many years ago with other partners, quite often in fact, and has only done it rarely with me. I plan to dig deeper this evening when the kids are to bed. I will need to point out several logical fallacies here. I suspect that she is trying to protect me from something.

Just a strange situation.
 
#56 ·
Oral sex is not a fetish or even a kink. It is a common and widespread sexual practice that has been pervasive in our species since we crawled up out of the muck into the trees (that God created for us)....

Please don't lump cunnilingus and fellatio in with toe sucking or bondage. These are vastly different things. Don't confuse what he's talking about with something he's not talking about.
 
#10 ·
That would be my guess as well- sadly, that she just doesn't enjoy it. Perhaps due to the reasons you mentioned from her history.

You say you just want to get into her head as to "why?" You've discussed it with her, but to what degree? Perhaps not extensively enough if you don't yet know why she is unwilling to this for you.
 
#12 ·
Some women are repulsed at the thought of someone some one sucking their toes.

I could never be with them no matter how pretty, nice, successful and good of a person they are.

Some people like certain things, while others find it distasteful.

Some times someone not liking something is a deal breaker.


And that's ok. sexual compatibility is a legitimate criteria.
 
#22 ·
I have to ask my wife 9/10, which is frustrating. She knows I like them but our "alone time" at night is tenuous with our youngest (3 yr old), who for some reason can't sleep through the night. At this stage of our life my wife just wants to skip the foreplay and get right to PiV sex. I rarely ask for bj's these days as a result.


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#24 ·
Well, my wife rarely offers me a BJ. Occasionally I will ask her for one and I may get something ranging from 30 sec to 2 min. It wasn't always like that. Before we had our 3rd child, we used to do 69 and I we used to give each other oral more frequently. After #3 was born, she says oral on her no longer feels good to her. Fingers are fine, but no mouth or tongue (except maybe 1 or 2 times a year if she's REALLY amped up). In may case it's pretty simple. I get oral if she can enjoy oral. As long as it no longer feels good to her, she feels no real incentive to give me oral. For some reason, the last birth must have damaged some nerves or something that makes oral not feel good anymore. Guess that 15 to 20 year run of more regular oral is nothing but fond memories now.
 
#27 ·
My position on this subject is generally unpopular, but - I don't get it, and likely never will.

In relationships where you love each other, and truly want to make one another happy, I fail to see what the big deal is about doing things like this. I just don't.

It's not like it has to be a daily, or even weekly occurrence, for starters.

The act is FOR your partner. Not everything you do has to include some sort of immediate benefit to you. And besides, it does, when you get right down to it - your partner would (should...) appreciate it.

I have a theory. It's probably a little out there, but whatever. Women seem to do things like this more often when they're dating, or when things are casual. This typically means that the "return on investment" is low. It's almost as though it's a throwaway act. One thing you'll see a lot here is that husbands typically say that their wife used to give oral sex, but no longer do, or do far less.

A lot of people will say things like "well, she was doing it in order to get you" or something along those lines. While I don't doubt that occurs, I actually think it's far more psychological than that.

I think a lot of women view BJ's as a juvenile act. That it's something you do when you're dating, or even just casually seeing someone. It seems to me that a lot of women who used to do it and no longer do, didn't really think much about it at the time. And once they find a true partner, it's almost as though it's an insult that the man they love and perhaps married, wants the same thing that that dude you dated and had no future with wanted. Like at some point, giving a BJ is 'no big deal'.
 
#28 ·
OP - you'll have much better results after you've given your wife a couple of mind blowing orgasms. Are you proficient at that? After you've unselfishly blown her mind a couple or 5 times, then you lay her on her back, hold her hands above her head, and guide your d**k into her mouth and tell her to suck it. At that point if she's unwilling then she just does not like it.
 
#30 ·
So we had the "Talk Part 2". Part 1 went very well and it was a few days ago.

This did not go well. I wanted to know the exact reason why she is so adverse to oral sex. She told me that she knows I love it - but always feels pressured to do it, which is a big turn off for her. For the record, the last time she went down on me was over a year ago.

She doesn't do it because of the pressure. I would do anything for her- she refuses to let me go down on her. She used to in the past, and she liked it, but no more. When we do have sex, I make sure she is satisfied at least once.

She became upset, understandably so. She said the pressure is way worse than ever and she is put in an impossible situation. She feels like she has to do it, but if she doesn't do it, she feels that I will think she no longer loves me.

I then told her I just wanted to know why. I just wanted to communicate. I was very calm and tried to supportive, but she was very upset with me. I told her that it is OK to say "No". I tried to reaffirm that she 100% control of her body and can do with as she wishes. Also, she is not responsible for my happiness. I am, not her. I love her unconditionally.

She had none of that. She had a panic attack and called me obsessive among other things. I feel terrible, but I think I did the right thing. When I am sexually frustrated, resentment causes me to go down some dark paths regarding her past and some rocky points in our marriage. I want our sex life positive and fulfilling.

I think I know why she is reluctant to perform oral sex, which is the basis of this whole thread. She said she felt pressured to do it and it was a turn off. However, she never feels pressured for regular sex. It is not un-Christian or perverse. She had a bad experience many years ago with an ex - but she said that was not it either. It follows that she simply does not like it, and that is 100% acceptable to me, but I don't think she does.

She must find it revolting - but does not want to tell me that because I like it and she wants to protect me. I asked her if I was more assertive in guiding/seducing her to oral sex and it was an emphatic No!. I will have to get over my desire for oral sex. I told her that oral sex is completely off the table until July so she does not feel pressured. She can decide how she feels after. It's not like I'll miss anything.

In the meantime, I need to repair the damage I did with this discussion and try to find a balance. I don't want to overreact one way or another.

TLTR: Asked my wife why no oral, freaked out, doesn't like to be pressured, called me obsessive, had a panic attack, and I feel terrible.
 
#33 ·
I don't think you did any damage with this discussion, so best to get that out of your mind. Feeling like you upset her will only keep you from bringing up other issues in the future, and you don't want a relationship like that. It's called having to walk on eggshells - not good for anybody.

She got upset because she's created some sort of pressure around this act that I'm not even sure she understands. To you, me and many many other people here, we don't get what the big deal is about it. To a few others, they empathize with her - yet (barring some sort of trauma associated with oral sex) they can't quite verbalize their distaste of it, either. Most people like this (men, included) simply decide at some point that it's "gross" or "disgusting" or it's something only hookers or people with loose morals do. Or, as I suggested earlier, it's only for sexual relationships or encounters with people who you are not going to spend the rest of your life with - because those people should expect better of you, or themselves.

The reality is, and I'm loathe to agree with this, trust me, is that many women have a pre- and a post-marriage persona. As much as many men like to think it's specifically in order to "land" a man, I disagree (though that DOES happen). I truly believe that many women utilize the time of their lives before marriage in a much different way than post-marriage. That it's 'okay' to be this way or that, or to do certain things, with certain people.

While no woman truly desires to feel used, I think something clicks in them once they meet the "right" man, and they somehow expect better of them. Like, he's worthy of marriage, of being a father to my kids, of growing old with. Things like BJ's and such are above them. Suddenly, 'being used' is an issue. Where previously one could own something like giving a guy a BJ, now it's "the past" and "I don't do that sort of thing any more", "those guys meant nothing, so I didn't care".

BJ's stopped for me once my wife and I started getting more serious. Prior to that, it was a non-issue. They happened occasionally, sometimes for no reason at all. A few times in the car, while driving, even. I never expected one, was never demanding of it, never once said something like "hey, it's been a while...". And I took care of her in that way, too.

Then it stopped. Right around the time we discussed moving in together. Years later, I find out she "hates" it. But it's something she'd always done, including with me. And when I straight up asked her, if I were to die tomorrow and she started dating again at some point, would the next guy literally never get a BJ? She had no answer. And that's because she would. Until things get serious again.

And that's what I see time and time again with this topic - women stop giving them at some point. Not because their husband/serious boyfriend isn't worthy of them - but because it's somehow associated with casual, non-serious relationships. Ironically, because the guy is a 'keeper' and is too good for such a low-standard standalone sexual act.

Obviously there are many women who enjoy giving oral sex, and/or don't view it as a degrading or disgusting act with their partners, including husbands. But for many, there's a negative stigma attached to BJ's. And it's honestly a shame that so many feel this pressure and anxiety from such a simple thing.
 
#31 ·
If you want something that you aren't getting and you focus on that one thing, that is obsessive, so she could be right. Maybe you are obsessing over it.

As far as your sex life, she said she wants you to initiate more, but instead you are backing off. Just make love to your wife and stop worrying about equity or whatever it is that is bothering you. I don't think you are looking at sex in a healthy way and it looks like she has gotten annoyed with you over it. Back off on talking about it and analyzing it to death and make love to your wife - often. (yes, I know I'm repeating myself)
 
#41 ·
My Wife Used To Go Down On Me a Lot, and Now, Nothing | HuffPost

The conclusion:

"If you do not want to be in the relationship without either oral sex or more sex or better sex or whatever, be direct. Do not be passive aggressive, stay in the relationship and be bitter and resentful, or, worst, be unfaithful. It makes sense to me that if this is important to you, and you used to get it from her, then you would currently still want it from her. If you are trying your best to be a supportive and loving partner to her, and communicate lovingly and directly, and offer to go to counseling, and she still cannot try and suck it up, no pun intended (well I guess it was half intended) and give you oral sex every so often, with a semblance of enthusiasm, I would say she is not terribly committed to your happiness."

The bolded is the key.
 
#43 ·
A lot of women actually don't enjoy it all that much but feel pressured to do it, which is why so many will do it while dating and then stop.

The expectation of oral is fairly recent.....it used to be that no man expected this from his wife.

The expectation came into existence with porn.....something to keep in mind next time one wants to argue that porn has nothing to do with wives. Clearly not true.

Straight men won't understand this but it can be uncomfortable physically. I don't mind giving it some, but I have a small mouth and a gag reflex.....after a while it becomes uncomfortable. Physically it isn't comparable to giving a woman oral.

Your wife doesn't like it but feels pressure to do it, and frankly it's not hard to see why she'd feel pressure. They have come to be seen as an entitlement.

I completely get why men want them, so I'm not intending judgement.....just pointing out that they've now become expected, yet a lot of women don't enjoy it.

Factor in 6 kids and your wife is probably exhausted.
 
#53 ·
Straight men won't understand this but it can be uncomfortable physically. I don't mind giving it some, but I have a small mouth and a gag reflex.....after a while it becomes uncomfortable.
Oh don't even get me started on this. The entire time, all I'm thinking about is to NOT position myself so that that happens; and invariably, it still does. SO VERY NOT romantic or even enjoyable. As someone else said, the only time I come close to wanting to do it is when my H has paid attention to my needs in some way shortly before and I want to please him for it.
 
#44 ·
BADSANTA RAISING HIS HAND

I'll add this... I had a girlfriend in college that complained that all her previous boyfriend wanted from her was oral, he wanted it everyday, NOTHING else, and she felt as if there should be more to sex than just doing that. So she decided that she was just not doing oral ever again. Apparently it made her feel used and if there was nothing else valuable about her to men other than her ability to perform oral.
 
#46 ·
Here's the way it is in a lot of cases where it used to be one thing and now its something else. Think of it as being a little different than a job your wife hates. After several years of doing it, the job still sucks.
 
#52 ·
I am the last person anyone should listen to. When I give advice to guys they just dis it, so whatever.

My wife didn't initiate sex at all for the first 19 years of our marriage and I didn't even notice. I took what I wanted whenever I wanted it, and she seemed to enjoy it.

Since '92 she changed some, and started initiating sex in a round about way by curling up next to me and masturbating.

I still have to take what I want. A lot.

Feel free to ignore me.
 
#57 ·
There is a select few women who really enjoy and get off on giving blowjobs. They are a national treasure and deserve to marry billionaires. God bless 'em.

But most women don't, or are at least ambivalent about it. And that is okay too. They way I look at it, if a man marries a woman from the latter group, who was never into giving him blowjobs in the first place, then in my opinion he shouldn't be complaining when ten years after marriage he only gets his pickle sucked on his birthdays.

See I'm the opposite as a guy. As long as my partner keeps herself clean and sees to her hygene, I would go down on her anytime she would let me, and certainly any time she needs or wants me to (a woman needs release every once in a while for her health and happiness). And, believe it or not, I don't expect anything in return usually. But that is just me. I really enjoy going down on women. I get a lot of satisfaction getting my lady off. And its also because I'm a perv, but that is another topic for another day.

Where it is not okay is when the husband has done nothing to deserve such treatment and then gets his knickers in a twist when his partner isn't responsive. A man should be seducing and showing his love for his wife long before they ever get to the bedroom. Lovemaking starts hours before the husband even gets home, through loving phone calls, flirtatious texts, etc. A woman wants to know her man is willing to invest some time into making her feel good. Where that goes wrong is when a woman gets spoiled and expects it all the time, then acts like a brat when she doesn't get it.

Both partners need to be sensitive to each others moods and feelings.
 
#60 ·
But most women don't, or are at least ambivalent about it. And that is okay too. They way I look at it, if a man marries a woman from the latter group, who was never into giving him blowjobs in the first place, then in my opinion he shouldn't be complaining when ten years after marriage he only gets his pickle sucked on his birthdays.
bandit, do you listen to 94.5? Do you know what March 14th is?
 
#71 ·
I would have to see some evidence before I would believe the majority of human beings practice oral sex. So many cultures do not permit it, and even punish it, it seems it to me there is no justification for saying the majority of humans actually participate.

Without supporting evidence it's just... lip service?
 
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