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No sexual desire for my partner---why?

5K views 39 replies 21 participants last post by  uhtred 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello,


I am 33 years old and she is 29 years old.

I think she is the greatest person I have ever met and has all the qualities that I would want in a relationship...

Except for that vibe that make women sexy.

She is shy and awkward and because of that she is not sexy at all even if her body is 9/10 and her face is extremely beautiful.

She loves putting herself down and apologising for everything which really makes me lose any sexual interest in her.

You know how they say confidence is sexy, well she has none of it.

She wants to have sex with me, but in bed it feels like she is lifeless. Even when I want to change sexual positions I have to push her quite a bit before she gets the message, unlike other girls who you just tap and they move.

What's even worse is that while we have sex she starts apologising for not being good at it which turns me off so badly.

Or for example I'd get in the mood and say do you want me to lick your p***y and she'd say stuff like you don't have to if you don't feel like it or i had a shower only this morning or i didnt wax recently. This isnt because she doesnt want me to do it, it's because she is extremely self conscious and afraid to disappoint.

I tried to have sex with her while we watch porn to help me get in the mood (i didnt tell her that) and she got jealous and didn't like it. I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).

The problem is that i really love her and she loves me. I would not mind being in a sexless relationship, to be honest, but i dont want to tell her that cause i dont want her to feel not wanted... so for now i keep faking it.

The thing is i'm a very horny person. I get excited very easily... so it's a bit hard... there are times when we meet and i get excited from a scene in a movie and if i could id rather pleasure myself than go through sex... but i cant do that so i end up feeling more sexually frustrated than when i am by myself... I haven't cheated on her nor do i plan too. I might get/send nudes for fun online, but not more than that.

----

So my question is how do i fix this. I am 100% sure i will not ever meet such a great person ever in my life so there is no way i want to break up with her just to find sex.

On the other hand i feel like we are not making any progress. I tell her to stop apologising and she keeps doing it. I tell her to watch porn so she's more experienced she doesnt do it... So i have no idea how to make this work.

She was a virgin when i met her about 5 years ago. However when I was a virgin I was not like her...

To be honest it feels like her insecurities are totally paralysing her when we have sex. She's so afraid she will do something wrong that she doesnt do anything and apologises for everything. So I understand this is the problem, but how do i get from this to making her confident and stuff...? We cannot afford therapy etc.
 
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#3 · (Edited)
If you can't understand how an attractive person can become sexually unattractive because of their awkward personality, i think you have a problem, not me. Have you seen a physically not perfect woman (maybe chubby etc) that is very sexy because of the way she behaves etc? It's the same in my case, just the opposite.
 
#30 ·
I don't understand it because it wouldn't be a problem for me. I think I have enough juice to work with her "personality" and show her how sexy and desirable she is. My take is your body language and attitude is showing her you don't really desire her and making her overly self conscience. You need to improve your technique and be a leader Dawg. If you can't handle her, let her go and find someone with the know how and skill to deal with her and bring out her true potential.
 
#5 ·
I don't think you two are sexually compatible, as you are likely too similar. You each want to please/serve the other. You look to each other for leadership.

You need a woman who is naturally confident and wants to be pleased, not one who needs reassurance from you.

I would kindly and gently, but firmly, explain that this relationship is not going to be optimal for either of you. Tell her she is someday going to meet a man who is going to be charmed by her pleasing nature and self-effacing ways. Tell her you want the best for her, and that you believe that kind of man would be best for her.

As for yourself, make sure the next woman you are with has that vibe you are looking for. You seem to like confident, take charge women who expect you to please them. So stick with your type. You will be much happier in the end.
 
#6 ·
Note 4 guy - you went so quick from couldn't understand to "you have a point". lol


--

jld - yes, i thought about that... but i dont think losing what i have now for just better sex is worth it. Not to mention I would never want to hurt her.

Also, I am afraid her next bf will take advantage of her nature. Not just her bf, but her boss, her work colleagues etc. I do not think western societies treat people who are kind and always assume everything is their fault very well at all.

I think it's better for both of us if she changes and she thinks so too, but we have no idea how to do it...
 
#9 ·
To me, trying to change her essential sexual nature is likely impossible.

OP, she needs someone who wants to reassure her that she is already just fine the way she is. Such a man would be pleased by her nature, in fact. She would fit him very well, her needing reassurance and his needing to give it, no big efforts to somehow change required on either side.

You are right that she is vulnerable. It would be easy for an unscrupulous man to take advantage of her nature.

But that is still not a reason for either of you to stay in a sexually incompatible relationship. It is cheating both of you out of finding more genuinely suitable matches. And that is what will truly cause you both pain long term.
 
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#8 ·
That can change their essential sexual nature?
 
#10 ·
I don't think this is a case of sexual incompatibility @jld. Not sure they've even got far enough with each other to determine that. It sounds as though she has no confidence in anything, including herself, and as OP said - that's not sexy.

I know this personality type well, and it drives me nuts. Meek, zero confidence in herself. Likely brought up that way. Too worried about appearances and the little things to enjoy herself, or focus on what's really important.

A severe lack of confidence IS unsexy, and that's what OP's talking about. It seems to manifest in other aspects of her life, not just sex.

This can be overcome, IMO, but OP has to really sit and talk with his wife. I don't get the impression that she feels she's on equal footing with him (nor do I think she'd feel equal to any other man).

OP, what part of the world are you from? I may be way off here (and if so, I apologize), but is it common for women to be somewhat subservient in your culture? Or at the very least, is this how your wife was brought up, regardless of your nationality/culture?
 
#11 ·
She is 29 and you were her first, 5 years ago?
You say you wouldn't mind a sexless relationship because you love her so much but then you say you're a very horny person?
Your idea for addressing this "issue" is to have her watch porn to learn how do do it?
And your user name Too Young or Chu Yon....?

Is today a school holiday? You were up awfully late last night!


Trying to address sexual insecurity by watching porn is like trying to loose weight by eating fast food.

I hope your mother takes away your electronics for a month!
 
#12 ·
Im from the USA. We are both caucasian even if my username is asian. Not sure why the username matters. anyway.

Yes she was a virgin until she met me.

Yes she is not very confident in any aspects of her life and like it was mentioned, that is very unsexy. I want to help her change this as she is extremely smart and a great person, so it's such a shame she undersells herself so badly.

She realises this is a problem but we can't figure out how to change it. I'm not very confident myself, but it isnt as bad as it is in her case. I might be 7/10 confident while she is 3/10 confident.

I'd be extremely hypocritical if I were to separate cause of this since i have the same issue... however i cannot make myself find this behaviour attractive or sexy. i just can't. It puts me off greatly.

I am a horny person, but I would prefer sexless than trying to have sex with a person i am not sexually attracted to, yes.

I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them. It's like learning how to drive by watching other people drive. Sure, you won't become the best driver, but you'll get to a point from where you can teach yourself the rest. And it's far better than just jumping in a car with no idea of how to run it. Even if she lacks confidence, if she knew what was "normal" to do i dont think that she would apologise all the time, thinking that what she is doing is something she needs to be sorry for even if it isn't.
 
#14 ·
I think if she watches porn she can see what is "normal" to do while having sex so that she can do those things without worrying that maybe it is not ok to them.
You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly. And you're just sending her deeper into her shell by demanding that she watch porn. She already feels like she can't please you, and after watching porn she'll probably think there is no way she could make you happy.

Any sexual act is ok as long as 2 consenting adults agree that the act is acceptable to them. But you have to experience those thing and become comfortable with those things together. She's opened herself up to you and offering herself to you. She's given you a gift - act like a man and lead the experience. What does she get out of it? Focus on her and give her some mind blowing orgasms - that'll get the creative juices flowing for her.

And your woman sounds like a submissive. Try BDSM.
 
#15 ·
Lack of sexual desire is enough of a reason to go. Life goes on a long, long time. It's a major part of life. There's a book out, called "Come as you are," about women and orgasm, but here's why I think the problem is bigger than that: You're wanting to change another person. You need to look at that. I sound abrupt with you, but I myself need to change myself and I project my pain onto what my husband is doing or not doing. It's much harder for me to live in my own power, and I'm struggling with it. Easier to say someone else must change.
 
#18 ·
I told her to watch sex videos so she gets better at it (we can only meet rarely) and she said she will but i dont think she is doing it (99% sure she isnt).
I once purchased my wife a book on understanding and improving sexuality that was written by someone with a PHD on human behavior.

...ummmmm, long story short, I learned that I would never ever accuse my wife of being sexually inadequate again!!!!!!

@Chu Yong I would advise you to get a book on female sexuality by someone with a PHD and YOU read it! I did, and it explains a lot and has proven helpful. Skip the porn, it is all fake and pretend, just like big budget hollywood movies.



Cheers,
Badsanta
 
#19 ·
"You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly."


Please tell me how homemade/amateur porn is "so far from normal it's silly".

Just because for you porn = ONLY commercial BS movies with porn stars, that doesn't mean porn is only like that.

That's like saying that because one kind of car is a toyota sedan, then all cars are family cars and so far from racing it's silly.
 
#31 ·
"You're kidding right? That is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen posted. Don't get me wrong, it can be fun to watch, but porn is so far from normal it's silly."


Please tell me how homemade/amateur porn is "so far from normal it's silly".

Just because for you porn = ONLY commercial BS movies with porn stars, that doesn't mean porn is only like that.
Virtually ALL homemade/amateur porn on the internet is professionally produced to fool you into thinking it was not professionally produced.

If you are watching genuine homemade/amateur stuff, you seriously need to ask yourself why your neighbor has been lending you so many tapes of him and his girlfriends!
 
#21 ·
BadSanta - thank you, that is good advice.

Steve - she and I don't live in an eastern society, so i dont know how life is in asia or eastern europe and how humble/shy people are treated there. I think it is way more of a problem to be shy here in the USA than in Japan or S. Korea or Singapore, for ex.
 
#24 ·
And here we have someone using pornography as a learning tool, and being dissatisfied with a wonderful loving person because of a comparison to the sex in pornography.

I don't see any future in the relationship. I think she will always be demure and retiring, and always need to be guided. That's just the way she is. So move along.

But dear God, never watch pornography again. It is not real. It is garbage. It is the perfect example of how people should never act in real life.
 
#25 ·
Sounds like you're addicted to porn and have your libido and sexual self way out of place.

Stop masturbating to porn. Stop watching porn at all. Try to imagine how hurtful it is to this woman who cares for you and obviously doesn't want the porn. You're being abusive.

If you are physically and physiologically healthy otherwise, libedo should bounce back within a week of not jerking off.

Find hobbies. Hang out with people. Retrain your body and mind. It will take effort, but man up and do it. Don't give the rest of us a bad name.
 
#27 ·
well, try this: ball gag in her mouth so she doesot speak, hand handuffs and a leg spreader bar. just do not give her a chance to kill the mood, just have your way with her. Sounds like she is submissive already,so become her dom and just tell her what you want her to do.
 
#29 ·
This is all on you, you need to bring that out of her but you do that not by having her watch porn but by letting her get confident that to you she is the most beautiful sexy women in the world. Spend a good day listening to Barry White. Seriously listen to how he talks to the women he is singing to, that dude knew how to talk to women. None of the songs are explicit they all are just telling a women how she makes you feel just by looking at her and how you want to make her feel. There is a reason why a fat sweaty man had women throwing their undergarments at him. It wasn't just his voice. She needs to feel safe and loved. Then is she starts to get over her fear she will be more open to being adventurous. It will be a slow process but it can be done.

Also agree with everyone else porn is not real, even the amateur kind is a show, it has nothing to do with the intimacy that sex should be. Like anything else you guys need to work on this. Work on it.
 
#32 ·
PATIENCE, my man, patience!

Try this: take the focus completely off of what YOU want, and make it all about her and what she wants. If she says she doesn't know, figure it out with body language and verbal cues. Tell her to speak up when you do something she does like. DO NOT BE JUDGMENTAL, and NEVER say anything derogatory. Only positive comments are acceptable.

Tell us this, does she orgasm? Does she touch herself or masturbate? The reason I ask is because she has to learn how her body works and what stimuli it responds to the best. Once she learns what works for her, then she can learn what works for you. You absolutely HAVE to stop with the negative, focus on you attitude, in the bedroom. You are only exacerbating the problem when you put the onus on her to do all the learning, especially when you need to take the lead and do the teaching.....PATIENTLY.

Learning the "dos and don'ts" of sex is not something that can be taught in a short period of time, especially with her personality type. It comes with experience, and that's why it will require a LOT of patience.

When you "tell" her to "watch porn" to learn, you might as well be saying she is not good enough. Nobody responds positively to negative comments that I know of. Stop with the negative comments completely, and start with POSITIVE reinforcements everytime she does something right.

With this being said, I tend to agree with others that have said that you two look like a sexual mismatch. Sometimes these things can be overcome, but it can also end up in complete frustration. You either have the PATIENCE to work it out, or you don't. Only you can decide that.

By the way, porn is not a good sex guide. Good sex comes with being comfortable enough with each other to be able to openly express desires without being judged. Obviously, she is not confident enough or comfortable enough to open up to you completely right now. She feels intimidated by your "experience".
 
#36 ·
I think this is a major personality incompatibility that spills over in your sex life. She is a meek and apologetic person. Confidence is what is hot in the sack, not insecurity. I think the two of you are mismatched in many ways, including sex drive. I would part ways sooner rather than later, as this is an issue that you are not going to be able to resolve.
 
#37 ·
Disgusting. And here we have more porn imagery spilling over disrupting reality. No safety. Where's the safe word? How is she supposed to say it? Just so much wrong.

There is nothing to learn from any porn. It might make a pleasant background if you have a solid sex life with no issues, but it has nothing to teach.
 
#39 ·
it's like telling an insecure kid to watch and learn karate in order to stand up to bullies. Yes.

anyway, i appreciate your messages apart from the ones trying to spin this as somehow my fault.

the bottom line is that my wife does not have a lot of self confidence and i think that reflects in the bedroom as well as other aspects of her life.

so i guess the questions is how do you make someone be confident without therapy?

that advice about self help books was good too.
 
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