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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-13-2012, 11:20 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

You watch porn. Should your wife feel the way that you do about her watching it? That she's not enough in bed for you? I watch lesbian porn sometimes, it just seems more...sensual in a way that the men in porn seem to lack. I also like looking at a woman naked, but have no desire to ever do more than that. But meh, I don't watch any of it enough to say what's what lol.

Really, I don't think you should bring it up, but if you do, I guess you could just ask her if she wants to watch some porn, and if she says yes, ask her what kind she'd like to watch. If not, I'd really let it go, unless it's effecting your sex life.
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Old 01-13-2012, 11:40 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

I wouldn't let her know that you know because it will only embarrass her and possibly make her angry at you.
Try watching porn with her but start out with heterosexual porn so that she is more comfortable, or tell her that your fantasy is to watch lesbian porn with her.
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Old 01-13-2012, 11:59 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scanner View Post
Yes it does bother me. Ever since I found out I've been obsessing over it! However, I don't want it to bother me that much. But I do think I need to approach the subject with her. Hey, who am I to judge, I watch it too! But to me, it isn't a healthy thing. In 8 years of marriage I've NEVER come across anything even remotely like this with her. So, it was a shocker! I've got three things to battle with 1. The fact she looks at porn at all! 2. That it is lesbian porn exclusively. And well, 3. That somehow I may not be all she needs in bed (but that's probably just my own insecurity).

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to approach it with her. I think for my sake I just need to find out how she feels about it in general. Is she really ashamed of it? But in any case, this may be a good opportunity to open up about our sex life in general. Who knows.....
You watch porn as well and that`s ok but your wife watching it isn't?

You do know how that sounds right?

Are you aware that one of the top female fantasies is lesbianism?
Do you also realize that most women are perfectly happy leaving their fantasies as fantasies and never acting on them?
When surveyed women prefer lesbian porn.
I believe it`s because it fits with their emotional needs where most mainstream porn is denigrating to women and male oriented.

I think you`re creating a problem that doesn`t exist but feel free to continue.
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Scanner,

You have been a very active poster and replyer but, this one is very interesting.

I personally would love for my wife to be openly aroused by lesbian porn. The fact that we would be able to share the beauty of other women that could be arousing for both of us is on some level (ok alot of levels) arousing. My wife interminttantly admits to being aroused by other women. When I bring up watching Porn together sometimes she is OK with it, other times she is not OK so we have never done it and i have never pushed it. I can see the slippery slope issue but, can see the potential fun/benefit.

I think society does/has kind of mess with women. On one hand they kind of glorify (or at the very least don't condemn) the whole college experimental lesbian stuff. On the other hand i think the double standard is still live and well. My wife has admitted to some level of this but, i still don't think i know the whole truth to this and i don't push it. I am confident however, that my wife likes di#% too much to ever go lesbian on me. In fact she is never satisfied unless there is penetration to finish her off.

The same is true of my wife's vibrator use. I purchased it and she resisted any attempts to get her to use it so i gave up. Several months later it was not where it had been and I found it loaded with batteries. I played dumb and suggested we use it and caught her in a lie. She again tried to deny ..finally having no option to do otherwise she admitted to using and also to really liking it. I think this exemplifies the whole notion that she feels she "shouldn't like this sort of thing" even though it is widely accepted as OK by society on some level.

As far as your concern it is great for you to admit to your hypocracy. In fairness we are all hypocrites to some degree and i have my own so not to judge or critisiz.

It is funny how people think. IE to say "what is the big deal with ME watching porn but" are threatened by our S/O watching it. Is it jealousy or control or dissappointment that you cannot be her "everything" in the sex department.

While i think that many men try to get their wife's to watch but, if they find they are doing it on their own they are shocked.

Personally it i were in your shoes i am not sure i would let it be my wife's little secret. There seems to be too much opportunity for enhanced sexual experience. That said it is likely that you will have to go through some delicate prodding and you should
accept that she may likely deny it and/or be defensive and/or be embarrased.

There was a study or two that indicated that many women (regardles of sexual orientation) respond to girl/girl favorably. I am not sure what your concern is. I mean some of the things that i see in porn may be arousing but, i have no desire to act on them. I agree with others that this is likely fantasy and not that she actually wants to be with another women.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:12 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

For the record, I know this whole porn thiing is hypocritical (see my original post). I think ultimately we should be open with our spouse regarding these things. I do not talk to her about my porn habits because I assume she would feel hurt or insecure by it. I'm sure on some level she thinks and even expects I do it but just ignores it. So now that I'm aware she does it too, then that it was brings me to a crossroads. I think being open about it may be awkward and embarrasing at first but ultimately may be an opportunity to grow closer together.

I still have my own hangups about masturbation and porn (is it right/wrong, usefully/damaging) so I sort of assume she has the same hang ups on it.

She has been away for work the past week so I've had time to myself to wrestle with all this without her around which is good. I'm able to battle through my own initial reaction (shock) and come up with a reasonable approach to the subject. I will be as delicate as I can and probably lead with opening up about my own porn watching habits.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:55 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

What do you want to accomplish by confronting her about the porn?

I`m still not getting the point.
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:27 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
What do you want to accomplish by confronting her about the porn?

I`m still not getting the point.
Well the point is, obviously, that this is something that bothers me. Do you simply hide/ignore something that bothers you about your S/O?

So if nothing else, I would like it not to bother me. But really I just want to understand her more and visa versa.
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:34 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Scanner,

I hear ya and on allot of fronts regarding the shame thing. I have made it clear to my wife that I rub one out to help work out our different frequency needs where sex is concerned but, there are times that i still feel funny about my solo sessions.

My wife has admitted recently to watching S/C stuff on cable but, claims that she does not get herself to climax. I am not sure i totally buy it but whatever.

I will say that after i finally got my wife to open up about her vibrator we have had sessions where she lets me watch her while i... it gets pretty hot. It is a great way to me to spice it up. Even still my wife still gets bashful, shame.....it is so strange.

I am trying to understand the logic behind NOT saying anything. I mean as someome her so astutely mentioned, she is likely ashamed that she is doing it. Even if she wildly enjoys it. I also would not lead on that you know the variety of porn that she likes. After all most mainstream porn has at least 1 or 2 lesbian scenes in them. Simply watch porn and when you ask her her preference simply ask her if she wants her Pizza with or without the peperonni/sausage.

You may also want to let her know that you read many women find the female body attractive (if you want to go there) othewise just go with it. No matter what it sounds like you got a great marriage.

Good luck
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:35 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scanner View Post
Well the point is, obviously, that this is something that bothers me. Do you simply hide/ignore something that bothers you about your S/O?
No I don`t but I usually wait until I have something worthy of bother to be bothered.

Has your wife confronted you about your porn use because it bothers her?

She watches porn, so?
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:38 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tjohnson View Post
Scanner,

You have been a very active poster and replyer but, this one is very interesting.

I personally would love for my wife to be openly aroused by lesbian porn. The fact that we would be able to share the beauty of other women that could be arousing for both of us is on some level (ok alot of levels) arousing. My wife interminttantly admits to being aroused by other women. When I bring up watching Porn together sometimes she is OK with it, other times she is not OK so we have never done it and i have never pushed it. I can see the slippery slope issue but, can see the potential fun/benefit.

I think society does/has kind of mess with women. On one hand they kind of glorify (or at the very least don't condemn) the whole college experimental lesbian stuff. On the other hand i think the double standard is still live and well. My wife has admitted to some level of this but, i still don't think i know the whole truth to this and i don't push it. I am confident however, that my wife likes di#% too much to ever go lesbian on me. In fact she is never satisfied unless there is penetration to finish her off.

The same is true of my wife's vibrator use. I purchased it and she resisted any attempts to get her to use it so i gave up. Several months later it was not where it had been and I found it loaded with batteries. I played dumb and suggested we use it and caught her in a lie. She again tried to deny ..finally having no option to do otherwise she admitted to using and also to really liking it. I think this exemplifies the whole notion that she feels she "shouldn't like this sort of thing" even though it is widely accepted as OK by society on some level.

As far as your concern it is great for you to admit to your hypocracy. In fairness we are all hypocrites to some degree and i have my own so not to judge or critisiz.

It is funny how people think. IE to say "what is the big deal with ME watching porn but" are threatened by our S/O watching it. Is it jealousy or control or dissappointment that you cannot be her "everything" in the sex department.

While i think that many men try to get their wife's to watch but, if they find they are doing it on their own they are shocked.

Personally it i were in your shoes i am not sure i would let it be my wife's little secret. There seems to be too much opportunity for enhanced sexual experience. That said it is likely that you will have to go through some delicate prodding and you should
accept that she may likely deny it and/or be defensive and/or be embarrased.

There was a study or two that indicated that many women (regardles of sexual orientation) respond to girl/girl favorably. I am not sure what your concern is. I mean some of the things that i see in porn may be arousing but, i have no desire to act on them. I agree with others that this is likely fantasy and not that she actually wants to be with another women.
100%
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:49 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Quote:
There was a study or two that indicated that many women (regardles of sexual orientation) respond to girl/girl favorably.
Which confirms my theory, wish wifey can just ADMIT it >.<

Anyways scanner, being bi doesn't exactly mean one needs TWO sexual partners, so don't worry about the bedroom.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:13 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

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No offense, but I hate your avatar. I hate anything that depicts people like that.

I think with my vag, believe me.
It's Ok. I am allowed under secret men's rules to grant one guest pass to the "think with your other head club". In spite of you not having all the required equiptment, I extend the invitation to you.
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Old 01-14-2012, 09:55 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

My opinion is that you are both sexually repressed and need counseling, but you have especially bothersome issues because you are controlling and judging her. Has she come out and told you of these desires or fantasies? Apparently not and I understand why.

Frankly, I think you need to inform her of your 'inadvertent' snooping, apologize and confess that you were exhibiting controlling and insecure thoughts.

In addition, her fantasies are just that: her fantasies and none (read this), NONE of your business. You are displaying adolescent insecurity and if she trusted you more and felt more comfortable with her own sexuality she might very well share these things with you. Be that as it may; stop judging and appreciate her for who she is and if you treat her right she might open up at some point.

Last edited by L.M.COYL; 01-14-2012 at 10:07 AM.
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Old 01-14-2012, 01:19 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

My wife is hetero, and prefers lesbian porn to all others, because women are more sensual then some guy just "stick'n her"
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:19 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife watches lesbian porn and doesn't know I found out!

Don't confront her with judgement and guilt. First work on your own attitudes re sex, porn and fantasies. If you can own YOUR enjoyment of porn without guilt or shame, then you should be able to grant your wife the same freedom to explore and enjoy. THEN you can bring up the subject of your recent discovery in the spirit of marital intimacy and it can help fuel sexual fulfillment within your marriage.
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