Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-12-2012, 11:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

I know that the topic of pornography is a strong one. Some feel there's nothing wrong with it, while others 100% disagree with it. I write as a wife of 17 years, and although we have had a lot of issues going on within our marriage over the last eight months, the issue of pornography goes back 19 years. (And I am one of those who disagrees with it 100%.)

I have made some mistakes over the last eight months, and many of you provided me with some good, sound advice. (Thank you!!) I, personally, feel that I am back on track, and if anything, I have a clearer picture of our marriage as a whole and the pit hole that we both allowed to get larger and larger over the years.

When I speak of "pit hole," I mean our lack of intimacy. Our marriage, otherwise, is good. Not healthy, but good. We care for each other, we enjoy being with each other, we take care of each other (household-type issues), but the lack of intimacy has been that pit hole. The last two to three years, especially, have been quite difficult for me, and I have expressed my unhappiness on MANY different occasions; merely begging for a change, at times!! We have not had actual intercourse in nearly seven years. Oral .... yes, here and there, but far and few between, but actual intercourse .... no.

Because of the emotional rollercoaster we both have been on, we have been forced (both of us) to finally take these issues head on. He claims that intercourse has been impossible due to weight gain/erectile dysfunction; however, he never seemed to really enjoy that form of sex even before he put on the additional weight. Sadly, the most action I even got in that form of sex was when we were trying to have a baby, and that was A LONG TIME AGO! (And sadly, that never happened either.)

I blame his disinterest in sex (with a real person/his wife) on his interest in porn. He claims that that has nothing to do with it. He claims that he hardly ever watches it; even though when I have found it over the years, it always amounts to 30-50 hard-core DVDs. How can there not be a connection? What guy (whether he enjoys porn or not) wouldn't prefer sex with an actual person? And not that this should matter ONE BIT, but I am attractive and of normal weight.

Please help. What am I dealing with, and will it get any better? Considering that this has been a 19-year battle, I am really beginning to question that. My feeling is that until HE realizes that it is a problem, he won't change. His theory is that 90% of men view porn, and that our lack of sex is what happens after people have been married as long as we have. 17 years??!! Come on!! Besides, I'm only 39; he's only 47. That I do not buy!! I'm tired, I'm lonely; and quite frankly, I'm rather numb.

Thank you, in advance, for you advice/opinions.
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

Kids involved? If not - I think you've had enough to leave. Who needs this?

There are good men out there who would appreciate what you have and not neglect you.
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Old 01-13-2012, 01:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Post Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

I have 2 children, married at the age of 25 years and now I am 65 years old and sexually very active. There was period when my wife was little reserved on sex, but when I informed her about medical benefits for having regular sex, particularly after menopause, she is having a ball with me. I had to do some medication for her to maintain her libido.I am diabetec and my erection also effected, but we both enjoy and I do bring her to climax orally to compensate, where as she cooperates with me in every way.
Regarding porn,I do watch porn some times and most men and some women enjoy viewing porn. So there is nothing wrong in it, rather it helps to stimulate you to have sex.
In my view he should see the specialist and get the medicine for libido also.
You are on the peak of your sexuality period at this age of 40 and you do need good sex definitely. You must take him to doctor and make effort.
The last recourse is adjustment mutually that you must meet your needs from out side from known friends. There will be many who will fulfill your needs and your husband should reconcile to this fact. Marriage is contract to fulfill conjugal rights on both sides and it is legal. Not meeting conjugal rights is accepted fact for divorce and one can take it, besides it brings other emotional problems.
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Old 01-13-2012, 01:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

I've also had this issue in my marriage. I think it started right after we got married. He ordered PB magazine right away (I know, not very hardcore, but still could be used for M). Then he would witthold sex whenever he was angry or unhappy about anything. I think that was the original nail in the coffin for my hopeless marriage.

I'm 40, he's 41, our frequency used to be about once a month, even early on. I would even beg, and he would just refuse me.

He's a very selfish person by nature, so maybe he thinks this is a form of control/punishment.

In your case, IF your husband is otherwise a decent guy, maybe he feels inferior if he has extreme weight issues and you do not.

It seems very disrespectful that he chooses to watch other women for M, while neglecting his wife. It's actually a form of cheating (in the mind), IMO.

One more thought, have you suggested that you watch it together, and use it as a type of foreplay?

I think you and I both need to start having a sex life, as we're not getting any younger. I no longer want sex with my husband, gave up long ago, and he just doesn't do it for me.

Last edited by hehasmyheart; 01-13-2012 at 01:54 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 01-13-2012, 05:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

You really can't diagnose his lack of sexual desire for you. Porn may be a problem or it may not be a problem. Many men view porn and still have high desire for sex with real people. Probably most.

Rather than try to figure out what is wrong with him and tell him to fix it, what you should do is tell him what you need from him in your marriage, give him a consequence for what will happen if he does not give it to you, tell him to make the choice of fixing his problem or suffereing the consequence, and offering that you are open to any information that if there are needs he is missing from you, that you welcome his feedback.
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Old 01-13-2012, 11:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

THIS IS A DUPLICATE POST. (IF I'M ABLE TO DO THAT? I'M NOT SURE, SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW. THANKS!) I ALSO POSTED UNDER "GENERAL RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSION."


I know that the topic of pornography is a strong one. Some feel there's nothing wrong with it, while others 100% disagree with it. I write as a wife of 17 years, and although we have had a lot of issues going on within our marriage over the last eight months, the issue of pornography goes back 19 years. (And I am one of those who disagrees with it 100%.)

I have made some mistakes over the last eight months, and many of you provided me with some good, sound advice. (Thank you!!) I, personally, feel that I am back on track, and if anything, I have a clearer picture of our marriage as a whole and the pit hole that we both allowed to get larger and larger over the years.

When I speak of "pit hole," I mean our lack of intimacy. Our marriage, otherwise, is good. Not healthy, but good. We care for each other, we enjoy being with each other, we take care of each other (household-type issues), but the lack of intimacy has been that pit hole. The last two to three years, especially, have been quite difficult for me, and I have expressed my unhappiness on MANY different occasions; merely begging for a change, at times!! We have not had actual intercourse in nearly seven years. Oral .... yes, here and there, but far and few between, but actual intercourse .... no.

Because of the emotional rollercoaster we both have been on, we have been forced (both of us) to finally take these issues head on. He claims that intercourse has been impossible due to weight gain/erectile dysfunction; however, he never seemed to really enjoy that form of sex even before he put on the additional weight. Sadly, the most action I even got in that form of sex was when we were trying to have a baby, and that was A LONG TIME AGO! (And sadly, that never happened either.)

I blame his disinterest in sex (with a real person/his wife) on his interest in porn. He claims that that has nothing to do with it. He claims that he hardly ever watches it; even though when I have found it over the years, it always amounts to 30-50 hard-core DVDs. How can there not be a connection? What guy (whether he enjoys porn or not) wouldn't prefer sex with an actual person? And not that this should matter ONE BIT, but I am attractive and of normal weight.

Please help. What am I dealing with, and will it get any better? Considering that this has been a 19-year battle, I am really beginning to question that. My feeling is that until HE realizes that it is a problem, he won't change. His theory is that 90% of men view porn, and that our lack of sex is what happens after people have been married as long as we have. 17 years??!! Come on!! Besides, I'm only 39; he's only 47. That I do not buy!! I'm tired, I'm lonely; and quite frankly, I'm rather numb.

Thank you, in advance, for you advice/opinions.
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Old 01-13-2012, 11:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by tigger01 View Post
[B]

the issue of pornography goes back 19 years. (And I am one of those who disagrees with it 100%.)







Considering that this has been a 19-year battle.


You may disagree with the porn, however it doesn't seem to have been a real deal breaker for you in the last 19 years, correct?

I do not know if his issue with porn is the main reason he doesn't want to have sex. I would think there is a deeper issue going on somewhere, BUT I also firmly believe that the porn viewing is not helping anything.

Until he realizes there is a problem, you're right, its not likely to change. It may be time, well past time really to set some boundaries. If you feel or if he feels he has a actual problem with porn, then maybe he needs to seek some help.

I would suggest IC and MC as well. Is that a option for you both? You say its been a battle, so are you willing to keep battling or are you ready to give up?
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Old 01-18-2012, 02:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

Perhaps the two issues are unrelated. I understand and respect your attitude about the porn; but would you be having these issues anyway? It's in human nature to look for causes...

I'd give up the porn in a N.Y. minute if my wife were interested in me! And I mean really interested, as in good, intimate, close sex. Several years ago my wife used my porn as an excuse for why she lost interest.... so I got rid of it all and nothing improved. The excuses just shifted to other things.
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Old 01-18-2012, 06:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

I have LIKED PORN my whole life and I LOVE having sex with real women,so to me there is something else going on.I look at porn while my wife is home and we have been together for 22 yeas,but I also LOVE to have sex with my wife and she is secure enough to know those women are not real and I do not want them.

I go the other way on this,your husband is going to keep looking at porn even if its behind your back,so tell him as long as my emotional and physical needs are met go right ahead look at porn,but write down what those emotional and physical needs and give him the list then if he follows through stay off his back.

You can also try looking with him and trying out some of the stuff you like.
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Old 01-18-2012, 08:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

Won't give you sex, but watches porn. Something is not normal here. The first thing that came to mind when I read your post is that he is getting it elsewhere? Prostitutes? Obviously he has a sex drive, if he didn't, he wouldn't have the porn.

You mention oral, but no intercourse, is it possible he is gay? Is it really the guys in the porno that turn him on? (Maybe even he doesn't realize it!)

Just throwing out possibilities.
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Old 01-18-2012, 10:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

Most men who are heavily into porn and masturbation have intimacy issues, often anxiety based. And most of them would be masturbating as a preference over partner sex even if there was no such thing as porn. For many, solo sexual release is easier and less stressful and unpleasant than sex with a partner, especially in a close intimate relationship.

And the men who have psychological problems like intimacy anxiety would have turned to self stimulation no matter who they married.

It's not about the wife, it's not about the porn, it's not about his hand, it's about the man. A good psychiatrist could probably help.
Stay away from Sex and Marital Therapists and these so called sexual "addiction" places they can't help you.
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

I am trully bothered that you have to go through this problem and pray for resolution for you both. I will share my info only as insite not to redirect your thread.

I am 47 (i should point out i am relatively fit/active) been with my wife 12 years 4 kids....

I have uses porn/visual stimulation as part of my masturbatory practices since I was 12. I use it less now as i prefer sex with my wife and i have other responsibilities (12hours work, house work, pitching in kids) i am not a saint by any means just pointing out i am tired/busy...I still use J/O to porn if W is not avail and i need relief.

That said. I still lust my wife. If she is in the mood I, I Don't care if she happened to be 30 lbs overweight, smelly breath, smelling like baby vomit and/or with no makeup i would still perfer to have have sex with her. I would also give her a proper session complete with foreplay, oral and would follow up with spooning (even though i have a shoulder injury that makes laying on that side uncomforable). I am no saint...i am sure my wife can tell you this...LOL. We have our moments of marital challanges like others but, even with all this...i still want her over any solo pursuit...period. Perhaps i am exaggerating. I would still prefer her. Granted she keep sherself well and i would prefer for many reasons for her to be fit well groomed etc. i say this to illustrate my point.

As evidenced by so many posts porn CAN cause huge problems. Men can become addicted to porn which can cause a whole host of problems. Like drinking, food, drugs etc. these problems are sometimes symptomatic of other problems that exist including withdrawl from one's s/o. It concievable that, ED or some underlying problem in the relationship is making your H more interested in porn than sex with you. Before you dismiss this please read on.

He may have serious e/d problem. You did not fully disclose the actual mechanics of whether intercourse fails allot of if he is just a 2 pump chump when he does it or why intercourse is not happening. Not sure if you need to administer allot of oral, hand...to get 'er done. not to make excuses but, he may be afraid of not being able to perform. Even with the excuse/reason for me on those rare occiasions when too much booze is the cause, this is humiliating for me. Recognize that men will withdraw from sex with partners to avoid facing their performance issues. Keep in mind that most men can bring themselves to climax without a full erection. They can do this not just because of the porn use but from thousands of practice sessions that have enabled them to perfect their technique.

Like other addictions he may be using porn as an "escape" like any other drug. Perhaps it is not such an urge of sex as much as a way to escape reality. Hard to say...not enough info. Your H should care enough to want to work on this. I would consider whether there is not something that is making him resentful.

Good luck and keep us posted. I am unclear of a solution but, wanted to share my insight. Hope it is helpful.
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Old 01-18-2012, 04:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn has been a 19-year problem in our years of dating/marriage

Weight gain ??? gives a lot of meaning here : He got no interest in actual sex but in DVDs GOSH rare case. did you ever tried to have chit chat on this issue? 7 years is hell long time
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