Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
If she's not receptive after lets say, a month, then say again, "Well, I have tried to meet your needs and still feel neglected. I am not feeling close to you and in a marriage, we should be close on all levels. This isn't the marriage I want." Or something along those lines. Don't bring up divorce, that's cruel.
Agree on not being a doormat and putting a time limit on the selfless service.
But, why is mentioning divorce cruel? Is it the actual word that is cruel and he should phrase it more delicately? Clearly, she should know how much this bothers him, before he just bails out.
Or, are you suggesting that this should not be a deal-breaker - that in the end he should not end the marriage over bad sex / no sex (I ask because some people do think this)?
Personally, I think that she should know that the marriage will not last as it currently exists. That is not the same as saying "this is not the marriage I want", to which she could say "well I did not picture it this way either" and change nothing.
HA!!! I kid you not....you are married to my wife! The window of opportunity was so small.....it might as well not exist (I'm going on 23 months, myself.) I feel for you. I don't have a solution....but....just don't turn to porn...cause...apparently...THAT will cause your wife self-esteem issues. You can't get it from your wife....but don't DARE try to releive the pressure. You wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, or anything.
Yah, that's just crap.
Seriously, you should avoid porn because (1) it may be wrong depending on your value system, (2) it will just give her another reason to avoid addressing the issue, and (3) it will only further frustrate you by pointing out what you aren't getting.
IMO, if you are a decent husband and your wife goes 2 years without providing she should feel guilty and inferior, because she is. Whatever happened to be accountable and using feelings of "everyone else can manage" to try harder rather than complain about how unfair the world is?
Agree on not being a doormat and putting a time limit on the selfless service.
But, why is mentioning divorce cruel? Is it the actual word that is cruel and he should phrase it more delicately? Clearly, she should know how much this bothers him, before he just bails out.
Or, are you suggesting that this should not be a deal-breaker - that in the end he should not end the marriage over bad sex / no sex (I ask because some people do think this)?
Personally, I think that she should know that the marriage will not last as it currently exists. That is not the same as saying "this is not the marriage I want", to which she could say "well I did not picture it this way either" and change nothing.
Kinda confused and looking for your input.
Well, it's only cruel to use divorce as a threat.
If you intend to follow through to the end and get the divorce, then it's not cruel.
However, to use it to manipulate change, is wrong, imo.
I think there is a pervasive lack of understanding of what men and women need in loving relationships. Needs that were once met in abundance in the honeymoon stage, is virtually absent as each persont falls into complacency. What was once enthusiastic sex, becomes a desert battleground. What was once romance, communication, attentiveness and companionship becomes a bother.
Strongly disagree.
People don't forget what is needed from / for each gender to feel good about the relationship. What does happen far more frequently is that one partner decides that mutual (equal) effort is not the way forward. In essence, he or she decides that "I do not like her or him enough to give as much as I get".
That's why these guys are in this boat. The woman's response to "she does not put in the effort to meet my needs" often times is "I have needs - you have wants", "sex is a reward for me feeling good, not something you earn", or "one sexual encounter is appropriate for a month of serving me".
And, yeah I know some guys do the same thing. But we are talking about refusing women here. The key is separate the ones who truly don't get their needs met either (or are honestly clueless that a guy deserves just as much time and attention as a woman) and those who would rather be single than give back as much as they get.
I think there is a pervasive lack of understanding of what men and women need in loving relationships. Needs that were once met in abundance in the honeymoon stage, is virtually absent as each persont falls into complacency. What was once enthusiastic sex, becomes a desert battleground. What was once romance, communication, attentiveness and companionship becomes a bother. Posted via Mobile Device
I think you're right.
Further, I suspect that if you sat down a nice wide selection of people of both sexes in this position and said "What did you do early on that you aren't doing now?", that lots of them, of both sexes, would shrug, scratch their heads and say:
"I Dunno...".
I think of it like people who reached the "unconscious competence" stage without ever going through the earlier stages of learning. They did it right, but have no idea what or how or why what they were doing was effective. And because it worked without thinking about it, they paid it no mind, and when it stopped working they had no idea why!
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Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Wow, I did not expect so many replies, so quickly. Here is a brief response to the excellent points raised:
Divorce her- You know, if it weren't for our baby then I would seriously consider it. But there is so much to lose in a divorce. My darling son for a start. And then half of my money and my house. Everything I've worked for, earned, all by myself (that's right, she hasn't paid for any of it). Not to mention I can't bear the thought of our family breaking apart. It would be devastating, but it remains an option as a last resort. What scares me is if this continues another 2, 3 years we could end up fighting about sex in front of our child and I don't want that to happen.
Porn - so very tempting, but as somebody said, it would only frustrate me more and make me more aware of what I'm missing. I've been fighting a battle with myself against masturbation and it's killing me to hold back, but I'm restraining myself in the dim hope that it will 'pay off' one day. I know it's hopeless, but I like to fantasise that one day we'll have a spontaneous mind blowing sex session and all of this will go away in a huge orgasmic moment of mutual pleasure that makes everything alright. I'm kidding myself, of course. That will not happen.
Keep on trying - nope, I've already tried everything. I do not wish to continue banging my head against the wall, as it's no solution to my sore head.
Sit her down and talk - I love when people suggest this because they obviously haven't read my post, or have missed the whole point of it: Talking is not possible, and I have tried it many times, in various contexts, in bed, out of bed, calmly, angrily, you name it. It just "Puts her under pressure" (her words) and leads to arguments. Every. Single. Time.
This morning she said "You seem sad, what's wrong?". I answered flatly, "I have not had sex in 19 months. That's why I am sad." A huge argument followed and I ended up sobbing in my car for 10 minutes before driving to work.
What about her needs? - she is unable or unwilling to tell me what these are, and cannot tell me one single thing I can do to help the situation. I literally begged her to tell me what I can do. There is nothing. Besides, I'm so utterly riddled with testosterone and my head is racing with so many sexual thoughts that I can barely even care less any more about her deep psychological or emotional needs. Man, I can barely think straight I am that horny. I'm done trying to figure her "needs" out, and she can't be bothered to explain them. My needs are simple: I want to have sex. End of. Her needs, Christ alone knows.
Get in shape - yes, yes, I like this idea. I am going to return to the gym and get myself healthier. It will either make me more attractive to her (I doubt it), but more importantly will help me cope with the stress of a sexless marriage.
How long? For those who asked, I've been married a couple of years. The sex stopped as soon as she became pregnant and it never returned.
Anyway, thanks everyone. I think what I can take from this thread, most positively, is that I need to spend a little time focussing on myself; not in a selfish way, but trying to divert my attention toward my non-sexual needs, such as music, movies, games, fitness and social activity. I need to see more of my friends. In this marriage right now I feel locked in. Trapped. Isolated. LONELY. And yes, it is all because of the lack of sex. As one poster said correctly, if only I could have some sex, the world would be OK. But sex is not happening. So for now, I need to do whatever I can to crush the feelings of frustration and loneliness, albeit through distracting myself. If that fails, I'll at least be stronger and more able to cope if separation does finally come.
What you have to do is get her to admit that marriages are supposed to be sexual, get her to admit that you are the "normal" one, and ask her what she is going to do to get herself on track. She has to be aware of the consequences of her lack of participation in the marriage.
What you have to do is get her to admit that marriages are supposed to be sexual, get her to admit that you are the "normal" one, and ask her what she is going to do to get herself on track. She has to be aware of the consequences of her lack of participation in the marriage.
What will this achieve? Based on what the OP says, she couldn't care less whether she's normal, abnormal or off the scale.
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Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Anyway, thanks everyone. I think what I can take from this thread, most positively, is that I need to spend a little time focussing on myself; not in a selfish way, but trying to divert my attention toward my non-sexual needs, such as music, movies, games, fitness and social activity. I need to see more of my friends. In this marriage right now I feel locked in. Trapped. Isolated. LONELY. And yes, it is all because of the lack of sex. As one poster said correctly, if only I could have some sex, the world would be OK. But sex is not happening. So for now, I need to do whatever I can to crush the feelings of frustration and loneliness, albeit through distracting myself. If that fails, I'll at least be stronger and more able to cope if separation does finally come.
My two cents - you need to turn the thermostat way down. Be selfish and look after your self, because she is plainly not interested in the job. Do stuff with your kid, and do not feel compelled to include her. Look out for youself and your interests. Exercise is a must, as it will help the stress. Avoid showing your emotions - I suspect it is a turnoff for her.
I would also sit her down and ask her where she see this marriage going? Keep it open ended and let her talk. If she accuses you of complaining about sex, say no, you want to know where she sees your marriage heading in general. Note to her the imbalance of effort that you see and ask her what should be done. If she answers as she has done in the past, inform her that you will be leveling the field. Also let her know that if your marriage continues as it is, you don't see it surviving another three years (or what ever number works for you). Don't justify your feelings, just make sure that you inform her. Then stop doing the things to meet her needs and start looking after you.
Edit - You don't need to divorce her tomorrow, but you do need to get yourself to a place where you are ready to divorce her.
Wow, I did not expect so many replies, so quickly. Here is a brief response to the excellent points raised:
This morning she said "You seem sad, what's wrong?". I answered flatly, "I have not had sex in 19 months. That's why I am sad." A huge argument followed and I ended up sobbing in my car for 10 minutes before driving to work.
.
So, take us through this argument, blow by blow. Did she throw up "you're pressuring me" line again?
BTW, is she on any medications? Anti-depressants?
Have you gone through the medical route yet? (i.e. It's not normal to go 19 months without sex. It would be helpful to determine that she has a clean bill of health, hormone-wise.)
If it's been this way since the baby, a couple of explanations are possible. First, could be the hormones. Second, it could be that she now see's herself as a "mother" and not a "wife." The third, which would be bad, is that she got what she wants with new baby and is not inclined to "put out" anymore. If she sees that phase of her life as "over," she needs to tell you now so that you can make decisions.
In general, you possibly can try to be more empathetic, but your empathy has to be matched by her acknowledging the issue and actively searching for its root cause.
Re: 19 months. No sex. 7 conclusions. 
