sexless marriage

married virgin · 01-16-2012, 08:45 PM

My husband and I have been married for about 7 months and have only had sex about 4 times. I am beginning to wondering if I should go see a therapist or doctor for my lack of sex drive. I love my husband but I just do not feel the need to have sex ever and I think that comes from our past. If anyone has any advice on how I can bring back my sex life I would really appreciate that!

spudster · 01-16-2012, 08:50 PM

Fill out the story a bit more. Give us some more info. What happened in your past?

married virgin · 01-16-2012, 09:17 PM

In the beginning we could not keep our hands off each other and we had sex almost everyday and it was amazing. We had a few pregnancy scares and we became so broke that we had no idea where are our next meal would come from and I found myself pregnant and with no money I had to do what was right for myself and I made the worst decision of my life. From that point on felt unworthy of being happy but I tried for him and our relationship. I made a pact with him that we would remain abstinent until marriage which was still a couple years away. now that we have been married it seems like I am so content with just not having sex and I know it hurts him and I can tell it is becoming a problem in our marriage. I just want to know what I should do to maybe get that spark back in my life.

alphapuppy · 01-16-2012, 09:33 PM

That sounds like some emotional trauma that needs to be accepted. I feel like if I were in your position, I might try to see a counselor if I could afford it.

You sound as if you are experiencing sadness, loss, guilt, grief, a lot of other emotions, and until you can fully experience them, either alone or together or both, your reproductive health will be impacted by that suppression of those emotions.

Sex is very complicated emotionally, so perhaps instead of thinking about "the spark," it might be helpful to think about the bucket of water that was thrown on your fire. How to dry out the wood? How to restack it? How to gather more? And then, how to light it? Maybe then, worry about the spark. There is much work to do first.

spudster · 01-16-2012, 09:45 PM

Speaking bluntly is the only way I know: It sounds like you have never forgiven yourself for terminating your pregnancy. That has to be tough. Some women can do it without a second thought, but that does not seem to be you.

Have you had any grief couseling at all?

How is your husband handling a marriage without sex? It can't be good for him. Is this the kind of wife you want to be to him?

Do you think that, maybe deep down, you are punishing him for not doing everything he could to stop you from making the decision to terminate?

married virgin · 01-16-2012, 09:46 PM

I feel as if I have dealt with my emotions for myself but that I still need to figure out how to deal with it with my husband. I have been considering seeing a counselor for a few months but I am afraid to mention it to him without starting a fight. He grew up where dealing with problems mean avoiding them and I did as well but I know for a successful marriage we need to face them head on. I really appreciate the advice and it is giving me lots to think about so that I can continue to heal, not only for myself but for us as a couple.

alphapuppy · 01-16-2012, 09:47 PM

Seeing a counselor yourself may also help you deal with your emotions surrounding him. Is there a way to seek help without letting him know immediately? Perhaps your counselor can help you acquire the skills you will need to approach your husband about this subject.

married virgin · 01-16-2012, 10:01 PM

I think at some point I blame him for my choice because we did not take enough time to figure out what was going on before I made my decision. I believe in my heart of hearts that we need to meet with someone together and separately to overcome the trauma. I am in a position now where seeing a therapist would be an option. I think I might try going by myself so that I can figure out what it is that I can do for myself and how I can bring him into the picture for our healing.

romantic_guy · 01-16-2012, 10:07 PM

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know it is easy to say that the past is past and that you need to forgive yourself. That is why you must get counseling. I can't imagine that your husband is satisfied with the sex, so maybe you can tell him that, if the sex is to improve and your marriage is to last, you must see a counselor.

I got my girlfriend pregnant when she was 16 (I was 17) and we got married. There was tremendous guilt as a result of our religious upbringing. Is your guilt a result of religious beliefs?

married virgin · 01-16-2012, 10:18 PM

My guilt comes from my personal beliefs and maybe a little bit of my religious beliefs. We made our decision based on our financial stand point more than our personal beliefs and that for me has been the hardest for me to accept. I feel like we made our choice in haste and fear. I feel that for us to have a "normal" marriage need to be more open and honest about that day. I sometimes feel like we are living in a fake world because we can get along and laugh like nothing ever happened but when it comes to sex I cannot allow myself to be present and perform. I think for myself I went through some of my emotions except for when it comes to talking with him. We really have not talked about it and maybe that is why I am not interested in sex. Maybe because the fear is there that I will be faced with that decision again.

alphapuppy · 01-16-2012, 10:22 PM

Nothing else to say, just feel for you.

married virgin · 01-16-2012, 10:24 PM

Well I appreciate the advice. This site is somewhat of a lifesaver!

spudster · 01-16-2012, 10:55 PM

Quote:

We really have not talked about it and maybe that is why I am not interested in sex. Maybe because the fear is there that I will be faced with that decision again.

There, I think you just answered your own question.

You and your husband both need closure. Don't let him weasel out of MC. This is a deadly serious problem. It will kill your marriage and any love you may have for one another if you do not bridge this gulf between the two of you.

EleGirl · 01-17-2012, 12:19 AM

I think that a lot of what you are going through is that you have gotten out of the habit of having sex. This is something that sex therapists can help you with. They have techniques that can be used to get a couple back into the habit of sex with each other.

You might want to do a google search for "sex therapy sexless marriage" and other combinations of similar words. There's a lot of info out there.