I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

What region of the world is he from?
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post #17 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

So, he was a virgin and you'd been sexually assaulted but never had consensual sex before you married? Honey, I suspect a large part of your problems are due to your size, his chest hump, and the fact that neither of you really know what the hell you're doing.

Joint pain from an accident is terrible. Joint pain from an accident while carrying extra weight is downright torturous. Have you done any serious work on diet, nutrition, and exercise tailored to your specific abilities? Losing weight will take the pressure off your joints, allow for easier movement, your energy levels and physical ability will increase over time. This would open up possibilities in terms of movement and positioning during intimacy and will make you feel better all the way around, which may lead to you desiring intimacy. Losing weight will also help your cardiovascular system and make breathing easier. As an asthmatic myself, your asthma doesn't sound well controlled and you might want to consider speaking with the doctor about that. If necessary, get a 2nd opinion.

I think you should also seek the help of a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual dysfunction or a certified sex therapist. Neither of you seem to have healthy attitudes toward sex. Sex is such an integral part of marriage and designed by God to maintain the bond between spouses. You two need to fix this if you're unwilling to divorce.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #18 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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Originally Posted by Karson. View Post
Love is a choice.
One might say that your refusal to have sex is a choice. Just as one might say that his willingness to remain in a sexless marriage is a choice. All decisions have negative consequences of some kind, even when you make the right decision.

Your marriage is doomed. You have made little indication that you want to desire sex so I doubt very highly that you are actually working toward such an end. My bet is that you are hoping to somehow end his desire so you simply don't have to ever think about sex again. I hope that you will be honest with your husband if this is the case.

You have been through extreme trauma in your life and it is understandable that sex may never be something positive for you. Some people never recover from such things. That's a fact. If you have no desire to reclaim your sexuality, it's a guarantee that you will be one of those unfortunate souls. There is no shame in that no matter what some book tells you. There is, however some shame (IMO) in deceiving someone else in order to get what you want. If you have no desire to change your feelings about sex be honest. Then he gets to make his choice and it can be an informed choice.
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post #19 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Sex is a very important part of a marriage and the way for most men to feel loved in a marriage, that is how they connect to their wives, so removing sex leaves a huge gap in the marriage.

YOur H attitude that it is his right is not entirely biblical, as he is to love his wife as the Lord loves the church, lay his life down for her, etc, that does not mean using his wife for his own sexual pleasure. It might help to listen to the Podcasts on Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggriches.

Did you have counselling for your sexual abuse, you ought to because although the physical aspects of sex are an issue there are major emotional blocks due to your history, they need to be dealt with first.

I am not sure if you are getting any advice from your pastor but I would suggest you read more on this topic and not be dismissive of the importance of sex in the Christian marriage.
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post #20 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Did you get some serious rape counseling in the past? It seems like that bad stuff that happened in your past is darkening your new beginning with your husband. You need to trust HIM! Some individual counseling seems like a good idea for you.

I do NOT think this in an insurmountable past problem, but a professional will be needed since it has affected you so strongly.
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post #21 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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Sex is a very important part of a marriage and the way for most men to feel loved in a marriage, that is how they connect to their wives, so removing sex leaves a huge gap in the marriage.
This is very true for most men. You husband is probably thinking you do not love him at all.
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post #22 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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Ok. I have to agree with previous posters that you two don't seem compatible.
We both want to stay married, we do love each other and there has to be a solution other than divorce.

You certainly aren't lubricated enough at this point. You can also use it to give hand stimulation instead of oral. ask your therapist about him using a vibrator. I don't see this changing overnight but there shouldn't be a reason you two can't make things a lot better. People need intimacy. Some can have that without sex but most people sex is part of being close to on another. He needs to be a better partner and lover and you need to work on fulfilling his needs as well. You should be the only source of sex for him. He should be a source of feeling loved, secure and safe.
GOOD IDEA on the wedge/etc. Will try it

Has he ever given you oral sex? Fingering? Do you guys use lube? Vibrator? Remember some countries in the world are very sexually liberated and some are not. Which culture did you marry into? Is he onboard with changing his ways? Sex should never hurt and when it does it should stop unless the problem can be solved like with lube or position.
We do "PLAY" Oral sex and such, and boob sex has been one that we do (Just between my boobs, he says it has a similar feel- Not sure on that lol).There is one thing, sexually that does turn me on and that is spanking- being very erotic. He is open to this....

I'd say you both should visit your pastor to talk but they run the gambit. Many religions have embraced that husbands and wives serve each other but some throwbacks would say it's ok to rape your wife. Where do you pastor stand on this? Talk to him/her first explain your past abuse and your husband's behavior if you think you're in a more modern church. He can help bring you husband along into your therapy and explain some of the passages of the Bible that discuss his duties.

My pastor is the most amazing in the world and we do counsel with him often. He knows about EVERYTHING and has helped us a lot, with the emotional/spiritual side of things- just not much he can do physically.

Just like me, none of us here on TAM are sex therapists (that I know of). You need some emotional help and a knowledgeable sex therapist as well. Take things here with a grain of salt. Good luck.

Finally, I am seeing a counselor to work through my abuse issues.

Thanks for all the thoughts everyone, seems to be a work in progress.

And yes we use birth control.

Last edited by Karson.; 06-16-2017 at 10:55 PM.
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post #23 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 12:42 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

I am so sorry about the abuse you experienced. I hope you get the help you need to heal as best as you can from that.

I have a few questions:
Have you ever had an orgasm with your husband?
Or on your own?
If you have, how does it make you feel?

I'm guessing you guys did plenty of flirting and looking forward to sex after marriage during your online dating. He deserves to get what you essentially promised him. Also, if you had an EA I'll bet sexy flirting was involved in that. I'll say it like it is...you being completely unwilling to engage in sex on a very frequent basis is dooming your marriage. He will cheat, if he isn't already. Even if you don't need sex, I'm sure he does. It is very unfair to him to get married expecting a normal sex life to end up with someone who won't even try. You must get the help to change, or you should set him free and either stay single or find a man who hates sex too.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #24 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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Finally, I am seeing a counselor to work through my abuse issues.

Thanks for all the thoughts everyone, seems to be a work in progress.

And yes we use birth control.
Are you using hormone based birth control? Hormone based methods are known to cause side effects including loss of libido and weight gain/ difficulty losing weight.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #25 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 07:39 AM
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Cool Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

@Karson. ~ please try reading any of Gary Smalley's books on Christian marriage and sex!

He is a remarkable Christian author and speaker who I think that the two of you can derive a world of good from!

Best of luck to you both in your relationship!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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Last edited by arbitrator; 06-17-2017 at 07:43 AM.
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post #26 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

@karson, life has not been kind to you or your husband, it seems, with you both suffering from pretty severe health issues, not of your making.

Also, do you know what triggers your asthma?


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post #27 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 09:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

I have had an orgasm when he has played with me, ie. , fingering.

Birth control = Condoms

I will check out the book (@arbitrator) Do you know of any specific titles?

I want to enjoy sex

And yes to the diet/exercise. 've lost 45 pounds.
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post #28 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:17 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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I 've lost 45 pounds.
Awesome!
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post #29 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

His Needs Her Needs is a good start.
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post #30 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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And yes to the diet/exercise. 've lost 45 pounds.
Outstanding! Hopefully you're feeling more energized and self confident, even independent of the relationship issues you're experiencing. Stay the course and this improvement should spill over into all aspects of your life.
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