I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 10:32 PM Thread Starter
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I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Hi everyone

As I am new here (I promise to post an introduction in a bit) but I am having an issue in my marriage that I realize may not have any easy or quick answers.

First, some background: I have severe ankle/knee/back pain from a past car accident several years ago and I have also been sexually abused. I married my husband 6 years ago (we met online in a Chat room and he moved to the US from overseas). I also have severe breathing issues/COPD so sex has always been a difficult thing for me physically and emotionally. He and I are both 32 years old and he and I had never been sexually active with anyone (even though I was raped).

Anyway, things were okay for the first week or so of marriage and then massive trust was lost. I have trust issues as it is due to past abuse & sexual abuse. The first thing that got me was on our honeymoon night he said: "I love F* you". I have never liked that word and find it extremely disrespectful so that was a definite turn off for me and sex stopped on the spot.

The next day, I was having a breathing episode and he kept asking for me to give him oral sex. I explained that I didn't think I could handle it with my lungs but he literally threw a fit and insisted on it, so I gave in. The end result of that was a trip to the ER for a severe asthma attack. I was still not feeling very well that evening when I got home and again he insisted on sex. I said I just did not feel like it because I was still getting over my asthma attack. He took our family Bible, opened up to the passage on not withholding sex and said: "I own your body you can't say no". This was 6 years ago, we have had sex maybe 4 times since then.

I just hate sex because I think the trust is lost there. The few times we have had sex when I say something is hurting and to STOP he would not stop. It was like he was a bull in a china shop with a one track mind. There are a couple of physical issues going on, one thing is our size (I am a pretty large woman and he is a smaller/average guy), but also he has a huge hump on his chest from rods in his spine/scoliosis so there is physical crushing pain when he is on top, and me being on top won't work because of pressure on my knees and severe pain.

I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it. I know men have that need (though I wonder how they survive if they aren't married or able to get sex), but I just have no desire. I know it's likely a combination of factors and trust is a big one. He has lied to me a lot over the years and we are still rebuilding trust. Also, he is still learning to trust me again because I've been involved in an emotional affair with somebody.

We are in counseling and physical problems for not enjoying sex have been ruled out. We just seem to peacefully coexist, sexually. He masturbates when he needs to and I'm okay with it. I fight against the command in the Bible (we are strong Christians) and I feel guilty every time I say "no" to sex. When it gets bad enough and he gets demanding enough, or the guilt gets strong enough I just cave in to get him off my back and suck it up.

Thanks everyone
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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

You are a selective christian not a strong christian. Anyway the answer is you both aren't marriage material. Let him go and you'll both be happier once the initial pain wears off. Then look for someone compatible.


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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 10:54 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Could you please share what is good in your marriage?

It would be nice to understand where you balance.

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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 10:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
Could you please share what is good in your marriage?

It would be nice to understand where you balance.
There is a lot of good. We do come together in our faith, interests and likes/dislikes.

We also have fun together, and we work well as a team when approaching problems. I just don't see that divorce is an option even if the marriage was a mistake, Love is a choice.
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:14 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Wow, that's pretty heavy. I feel for you both, sex is such a wonderful experience meant to bring two people together and unfortunately you were robbed of your desires. Counseling is definitely the place to be. I think going the rest of your life without sex is a sad and heartbreaking thought. You need keep trying to work through this and eventually take back the power that was taken from you so long ago....

As far as sex positions to help make it more comfortable for you, maybe put a bench by your bed and sit down on the edge of the bed with your feet on the bench and lay back elevated on some pillows and have him get on his knees on the bench and go from there? (He'd basically be standing up and you'd be laying down...).

I wish you luck and will pray for you! May God Bless you both!


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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

How often have you had a frank discussion about sex, boundaries and the like? Does he know about your past abuse? Have you talked about the trust issues?

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

A lot going on here.

I'm sorry you were abused - that can have a lasting impact on your perception of sex. Have you seen a therapist to help recover from your abuse.

For many people sex is vital to a happy relationship.

Pressuring someone for sex is not OK, especially if it is causing them physical issues.

The above two together are why sexual compatibility is important in a relationship - if there is too much of a gap in interest than you can't be happy together.
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:31 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

sounds to me like you have been raped 5 times. once before you were married and now 4 times by the guy you married (I'm not going to use the term husband).

This is why I do not believe in waiting until marriage.

You two are not compatible.

It's not that you hate sex. It's that you hate being with him, and frankly, any woman would.

He sounds terribly abusive and cruel.

Why are you so desperate and willing to settle for such maltreatment? That is the question you need to address.
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

My silence is far better than my words here...

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Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 06-16-2017 at 06:42 AM. Reason: Mindful silence...
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Here too...

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Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 06-16-2017 at 06:43 AM. Reason: Mindful silence...
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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-15-2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

What does your marriage counselor say about this?

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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 12:09 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

I'd also recommend looking into some kind of birth control, since you've gotten pregnant 2 out of the four times you've had sex.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 01:54 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

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Originally Posted by Karson. View Post
I just don't see that divorce is an option.
Here is the thing, it's not just your choice.

Maybe you should see it as a good thing anyway. You don't seem like a good match at all. Plus marital rape seems like biblical grounds for divorce as divorce is permitted in the new testament for sexual immorality, raping your wife seems like a good example of that. He may argue that Paul says your body belongs to him so it wasn't rape. Believing the whole Bible as infallible has it's disadvantages I guess.

I am weary to even post this as he sounds like a jerk and on the other hand you had an emotional affair but this is a pretty good site which explains why your thinking about men and sex is terribly wrong and even cruel, though in your husbands case maybe not.

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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

Karson.

As I read your post I found myself wondering what you thought marriage would be like. I realize nearly all of us enter into marriage and parenthood without realizing that we should superimpose our idea of what a marriage looks like onto what our reality will likely be. But now that you are married, it would be a good idea to honestly write out what your ideal marriage is like. How do you relate to your husband, ideally, and how does he relate to you, ideally.

Once you've got a pretty thorough handle on your idealize image of the nuts and bolts of marriage, super impose that on your reality. Identify every area where the two don't match up.

Once that's done, what can you personally do to positively affect the areas that don't match up. This isn't about him changing, this is about you changing. What do you need to do differently to make your marriage work better?

You've posted in the Sex in Marriage subforum which means that you know sex is a big problem in your marriage. How do you feel about sex being a big problem? How would you like sex to be within your marriage? Would you like it to just go away? Would you like to be more functional, sexually? What do you want to see your sex life be?

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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 08:02 AM
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Ok. I have to agree with previous posters that you two don't seem compatible.

However, let's work with that you've stated you want to stay married.

First with your traumas you need expert advice from someone who has dealt with rape and marriage issue not just any therapist.

Second it seems you suffer from what many inexperienced women do. You have experienced sex pleasurably. Only violently and as chore. When you say you do want sex it would be like many people saying I don't want chocolate. Many people can't understand this because chocolate tastes so good. Good sex feels amazing. Your husband is not giving good sex. Neither are you it sounds like. He is filling his need and it is a need once a year (actually more).

Work on connecting emotionally to sex. For some that's erotica like fifty shades of gray (not sure this would be good with previous abuse issues). You need to mentally prepare for how it should feel. Embrace it. Know that things tingle wait for how breast stimulation brings sensations in you loins. If you don't know to expect or anticipate that reaction you can miss it. There are books both of you should read. He sounds inexperienced, lost, inconsiderate of your past. I haven't read it but there's a book lots of people recommend called she comes first. In the bible, husband are supposed to cherish their wives and be of service (goes both ways). I feel like he's inexperienced and may have watched too much porn. He needs to work with your therapist on ways to stimulate you that aren't painful or threatening. I'm larger and both my husband and I have some physical limitations. I don't think we are as limited as you guys but we definitely make it work. I'd highly recommend the ramp and wedge from liberator. It allows for positioning that can ease these issues. Further in the future after you have worked up to sex try doggie style with the ramp and wedge you can basically make an elevated bed where you'd be lying on your stomach and he can stand behind or kneel. Also get lube if you don't have it. You certainly aren't lubricated enough at this point. You can also use it to give hand stimulation instead of oral. ask your therapist about him using a vibrator. I don't see this changing overnight but there shouldn't be a reason you two can't make things a lot better. People need intimacy. Some can have that without sex but most people sex is part of being close to on another. He needs to be a better partner and lover and you need to work on fulfilling his needs as well. You should be the only source of sex for him. He should be a source of feeling loved, secure and safe.

Has he ever given you oral sex? Fingering? Do you guys use lube? Vibrator? Remember some countries in the world are very sexually liberated and some are not. Which culture did you marry into? Is he onboard with changing his ways? Sex should never hurt and when it does it should stop unless the problem can be solved like with lube or position.


I'd say you both should visit your pastor to talk but they run the gambit. Many religions have embraced that husbands and wives serve each other but some throw backs would say it's ok to rape your wife. Where does you pastor stand on this? Talk to him/her first explain your past abuse and your husbands behavior if you think you're in a more modern church. He can help bring you husband along into your therapy and explain some of the passages of the bible that discuss his duties.

Just like me none of us here on TAM are sex therapists (that I know of). You need some emotional help and a knowledgable sex therapist as well. Take things here with a grain of salt. Good luck.
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