I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective
As I am new here (I promise to post an introduction in a bit) but I am having an issue in my marriage that I realize may not have any easy or quick answers.
First, some background: I have severe ankle/knee/back pain from a past car accident several years ago and I have also been sexually abused. I married my husband 6 years ago (we met online in a Chat room and he moved to the US from overseas). I also have severe breathing issues/COPD so sex has always been a difficult thing for me physically and emotionally. He and I are both 32 years old and he and I had never been sexually active with anyone (even though I was raped).
Anyway, things were okay for the first week or so of marriage and then massive trust was lost. I have trust issues as it is due to past abuse & sexual abuse. The first thing that got me was on our honeymoon night he said: "I love F* you". I have never liked that word and find it extremely disrespectful so that was a definite turn off for me and sex stopped on the spot.
The next day, I was having a breathing episode and he kept asking for me to give him oral sex. I explained that I didn't think I could handle it with my lungs but he literally threw a fit and insisted on it, so I gave in. The end result of that was a trip to the ER for a severe asthma attack. I was still not feeling very well that evening when I got home and again he insisted on sex. I said I just did not feel like it because I was still getting over my asthma attack. He took our family Bible, opened up to the passage on not withholding sex and said: "I own your body you can't say no". This was 6 years ago, we have had sex maybe 4 times since then.
I just hate sex because I think the trust is lost there. The few times we have had sex when I say something is hurting and to STOP he would not stop. It was like he was a bull in a china shop with a one track mind. There are a couple of physical issues going on, one thing is our size (I am a pretty large woman and he is a smaller/average guy), but also he has a huge hump on his chest from rods in his spine/scoliosis so there is physical crushing pain when he is on top, and me being on top won't work because of pressure on my knees and severe pain.
I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it. I know men have that need (though I wonder how they survive if they aren't married or able to get sex), but I just have no desire. I know it's likely a combination of factors and trust is a big one. He has lied to me a lot over the years and we are still rebuilding trust. Also, he is still learning to trust me again because I've been involved in an emotional affair with somebody.
We are in counseling and physical problems for not enjoying sex have been ruled out. We just seem to peacefully coexist, sexually. He masturbates when he needs to and I'm okay with it. I fight against the command in the Bible (we are strong Christians) and I feel guilty every time I say "no" to sex. When it gets bad enough and he gets demanding enough, or the guilt gets strong enough I just cave in to get him off my back and suck it up.