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I hate sex, seriously.Need new perspective

8K views 58 replies 28 participants last post by  Talker67 
#1 ·
Hi everyone

As I am new here (I promise to post an introduction in a bit) but I am having an issue in my marriage that I realize may not have any easy or quick answers.

First, some background: I have severe ankle/knee/back pain from a past car accident several years ago and I have also been sexually abused. I married my husband 6 years ago (we met online in a Chat room and he moved to the US from overseas). I also have severe breathing issues/COPD so sex has always been a difficult thing for me physically and emotionally. He and I are both 32 years old and he and I had never been sexually active with anyone (even though I was raped).

Anyway, things were okay for the first week or so of marriage and then massive trust was lost. I have trust issues as it is due to past abuse & sexual abuse. The first thing that got me was on our honeymoon night he said: "I love F* you". I have never liked that word and find it extremely disrespectful so that was a definite turn off for me and sex stopped on the spot.

The next day, I was having a breathing episode and he kept asking for me to give him oral sex. I explained that I didn't think I could handle it with my lungs but he literally threw a fit and insisted on it, so I gave in. The end result of that was a trip to the ER for a severe asthma attack. I was still not feeling very well that evening when I got home and again he insisted on sex. I said I just did not feel like it because I was still getting over my asthma attack. He took our family Bible, opened up to the passage on not withholding sex and said: "I own your body you can't say no". This was 6 years ago, we have had sex maybe 4 times since then.

I just hate sex because I think the trust is lost there. The few times we have had sex when I say something is hurting and to STOP he would not stop. It was like he was a bull in a china shop with a one track mind. There are a couple of physical issues going on, one thing is our size (I am a pretty large woman and he is a smaller/average guy), but also he has a huge hump on his chest from rods in his spine/scoliosis so there is physical crushing pain when he is on top, and me being on top won't work because of pressure on my knees and severe pain.

I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it. I know men have that need (though I wonder how they survive if they aren't married or able to get sex), but I just have no desire. I know it's likely a combination of factors and trust is a big one. He has lied to me a lot over the years and we are still rebuilding trust. Also, he is still learning to trust me again because I've been involved in an emotional affair with somebody.

We are in counseling and physical problems for not enjoying sex have been ruled out. We just seem to peacefully coexist, sexually. He masturbates when he needs to and I'm okay with it. I fight against the command in the Bible (we are strong Christians) and I feel guilty every time I say "no" to sex. When it gets bad enough and he gets demanding enough, or the guilt gets strong enough I just cave in to get him off my back and suck it up.

Thanks everyone
Karson
 
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#3 ·
Could you please share what is good in your marriage?

It would be nice to understand where you balance.
 
#6 ·
A lot going on here.

I'm sorry you were abused - that can have a lasting impact on your perception of sex. Have you seen a therapist to help recover from your abuse.

For many people sex is vital to a happy relationship.

Pressuring someone for sex is not OK, especially if it is causing them physical issues.

The above two together are why sexual compatibility is important in a relationship - if there is too much of a gap in interest than you can't be happy together.
 
#7 ·
sounds to me like you have been raped 5 times. once before you were married and now 4 times by the guy you married (I'm not going to use the term husband).

This is why I do not believe in waiting until marriage.

You two are not compatible.

It's not that you hate sex. It's that you hate being with him, and frankly, any woman would.

He sounds terribly abusive and cruel.

Why are you so desperate and willing to settle for such maltreatment? That is the question you need to address.
 
#8 · (Edited)
My silence is far better than my words here...
 
#13 ·
Karson.

As I read your post I found myself wondering what you thought marriage would be like. I realize nearly all of us enter into marriage and parenthood without realizing that we should superimpose our idea of what a marriage looks like onto what our reality will likely be. But now that you are married, it would be a good idea to honestly write out what your ideal marriage is like. How do you relate to your husband, ideally, and how does he relate to you, ideally.

Once you've got a pretty thorough handle on your idealize image of the nuts and bolts of marriage, super impose that on your reality. Identify every area where the two don't match up.

Once that's done, what can you personally do to positively affect the areas that don't match up. This isn't about him changing, this is about you changing. What do you need to do differently to make your marriage work better?

You've posted in the Sex in Marriage subforum which means that you know sex is a big problem in your marriage. How do you feel about sex being a big problem? How would you like sex to be within your marriage? Would you like it to just go away? Would you like to be more functional, sexually? What do you want to see your sex life be?
 
#14 ·
Ok. I have to agree with previous posters that you two don't seem compatible.

However, let's work with that you've stated you want to stay married.

First with your traumas you need expert advice from someone who has dealt with rape and marriage issue not just any therapist.

Second it seems you suffer from what many inexperienced women do. You have experienced sex pleasurably. Only violently and as chore. When you say you do want sex it would be like many people saying I don't want chocolate. Many people can't understand this because chocolate tastes so good. Good sex feels amazing. Your husband is not giving good sex. Neither are you it sounds like. He is filling his need and it is a need once a year (actually more).

Work on connecting emotionally to sex. For some that's erotica like fifty shades of gray (not sure this would be good with previous abuse issues). You need to mentally prepare for how it should feel. Embrace it. Know that things tingle wait for how breast stimulation brings sensations in you loins. If you don't know to expect or anticipate that reaction you can miss it. There are books both of you should read. He sounds inexperienced, lost, inconsiderate of your past. I haven't read it but there's a book lots of people recommend called she comes first. In the bible, husband are supposed to cherish their wives and be of service (goes both ways). I feel like he's inexperienced and may have watched too much porn. He needs to work with your therapist on ways to stimulate you that aren't painful or threatening. I'm larger and both my husband and I have some physical limitations. I don't think we are as limited as you guys but we definitely make it work. I'd highly recommend the ramp and wedge from liberator. It allows for positioning that can ease these issues. Further in the future after you have worked up to sex try doggie style with the ramp and wedge you can basically make an elevated bed where you'd be lying on your stomach and he can stand behind or kneel. Also get lube if you don't have it. You certainly aren't lubricated enough at this point. You can also use it to give hand stimulation instead of oral. ask your therapist about him using a vibrator. I don't see this changing overnight but there shouldn't be a reason you two can't make things a lot better. People need intimacy. Some can have that without sex but most people sex is part of being close to on another. He needs to be a better partner and lover and you need to work on fulfilling his needs as well. You should be the only source of sex for him. He should be a source of feeling loved, secure and safe.

Has he ever given you oral sex? Fingering? Do you guys use lube? Vibrator? Remember some countries in the world are very sexually liberated and some are not. Which culture did you marry into? Is he onboard with changing his ways? Sex should never hurt and when it does it should stop unless the problem can be solved like with lube or position.


I'd say you both should visit your pastor to talk but they run the gambit. Many religions have embraced that husbands and wives serve each other but some throw backs would say it's ok to rape your wife. Where does you pastor stand on this? Talk to him/her first explain your past abuse and your husbands behavior if you think you're in a more modern church. He can help bring you husband along into your therapy and explain some of the passages of the bible that discuss his duties.

Just like me none of us here on TAM are sex therapists (that I know of). You need some emotional help and a knowledgable sex therapist as well. Take things here with a grain of salt. Good luck.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Ok. I have to agree with previous posters that you two don't seem compatible.
We both want to stay married, we do love each other and there has to be a solution other than divorce.

You certainly aren't lubricated enough at this point. You can also use it to give hand stimulation instead of oral. ask your therapist about him using a vibrator. I don't see this changing overnight but there shouldn't be a reason you two can't make things a lot better. People need intimacy. Some can have that without sex but most people sex is part of being close to on another. He needs to be a better partner and lover and you need to work on fulfilling his needs as well. You should be the only source of sex for him. He should be a source of feeling loved, secure and safe.
GOOD IDEA on the wedge/etc. Will try it

Has he ever given you oral sex? Fingering? Do you guys use lube? Vibrator? Remember some countries in the world are very sexually liberated and some are not. Which culture did you marry into? Is he onboard with changing his ways? Sex should never hurt and when it does it should stop unless the problem can be solved like with lube or position.
We do "PLAY" Oral sex and such, and boob sex has been one that we do (Just between my boobs, he says it has a similar feel- Not sure on that lol).There is one thing, sexually that does turn me on and that is spanking- being very erotic. He is open to this....

I'd say you both should visit your pastor to talk but they run the gambit. Many religions have embraced that husbands and wives serve each other but some throwbacks would say it's ok to rape your wife. Where do you pastor stand on this? Talk to him/her first explain your past abuse and your husband's behavior if you think you're in a more modern church. He can help bring you husband along into your therapy and explain some of the passages of the Bible that discuss his duties.

My pastor is the most amazing in the world and we do counsel with him often. He knows about EVERYTHING and has helped us a lot, with the emotional/spiritual side of things- just not much he can do physically.

Just like me, none of us here on TAM are sex therapists (that I know of). You need some emotional help and a knowledgeable sex therapist as well. Take things here with a grain of salt. Good luck.

Finally, I am seeing a counselor to work through my abuse issues.

Thanks for all the thoughts everyone, seems to be a work in progress.

And yes we use birth control.
 
#16 ·
So, he was a virgin and you'd been sexually assaulted but never had consensual sex before you married? Honey, I suspect a large part of your problems are due to your size, his chest hump, and the fact that neither of you really know what the hell you're doing.

Joint pain from an accident is terrible. Joint pain from an accident while carrying extra weight is downright torturous. Have you done any serious work on diet, nutrition, and exercise tailored to your specific abilities? Losing weight will take the pressure off your joints, allow for easier movement, your energy levels and physical ability will increase over time. This would open up possibilities in terms of movement and positioning during intimacy and will make you feel better all the way around, which may lead to you desiring intimacy. Losing weight will also help your cardiovascular system and make breathing easier. As an asthmatic myself, your asthma doesn't sound well controlled and you might want to consider speaking with the doctor about that. If necessary, get a 2nd opinion.

I think you should also seek the help of a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual dysfunction or a certified sex therapist. Neither of you seem to have healthy attitudes toward sex. Sex is such an integral part of marriage and designed by God to maintain the bond between spouses. You two need to fix this if you're unwilling to divorce.
 
#18 ·
Sex is a very important part of a marriage and the way for most men to feel loved in a marriage, that is how they connect to their wives, so removing sex leaves a huge gap in the marriage.

YOur H attitude that it is his right is not entirely biblical, as he is to love his wife as the Lord loves the church, lay his life down for her, etc, that does not mean using his wife for his own sexual pleasure. It might help to listen to the Podcasts on Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggriches.

Did you have counselling for your sexual abuse, you ought to because although the physical aspects of sex are an issue there are major emotional blocks due to your history, they need to be dealt with first.

I am not sure if you are getting any advice from your pastor but I would suggest you read more on this topic and not be dismissive of the importance of sex in the Christian marriage.
 
#19 ·
Did you get some serious rape counseling in the past? It seems like that bad stuff that happened in your past is darkening your new beginning with your husband. You need to trust HIM! Some individual counseling seems like a good idea for you.

I do NOT think this in an insurmountable past problem, but a professional will be needed since it has affected you so strongly.
 
#22 ·
I am so sorry about the abuse you experienced. I hope you get the help you need to heal as best as you can from that.

I have a few questions:
Have you ever had an orgasm with your husband?
Or on your own?
If you have, how does it make you feel?

I'm guessing you guys did plenty of flirting and looking forward to sex after marriage during your online dating. He deserves to get what you essentially promised him. Also, if you had an EA I'll bet sexy flirting was involved in that. I'll say it like it is...you being completely unwilling to engage in sex on a very frequent basis is dooming your marriage. He will cheat, if he isn't already. Even if you don't need sex, I'm sure he does. It is very unfair to him to get married expecting a normal sex life to end up with someone who won't even try. You must get the help to change, or you should set him free and either stay single or find a man who hates sex too.
 
#24 · (Edited)
@Karson. ~ please try reading any of Gary Smalley's books on Christian marriage and sex!

He is a remarkable Christian author and speaker who I think that the two of you can derive a world of good from!

Best of luck to you both in your relationship!
 
#30 ·
It doesn't matter how much weight you've lost, or what therapy you happen to be in at the moment because until this changes, nothing else will change.


I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it.
I notice you completely ignored the questions I asked you to answer. This tells me you wish to avoid accountability for the state of your marriage. Your past, your weight, your knees, your breathing problem, your lack of trust... notice these all start with YOU.

So I'll ask again, what do want your marriage to look like? Do you expect some agreement that sex no longer be a part of your marriage and your husband be completely fulfilled with this? I think you know this is unattainable and that's why you are trying to avoid accountability by listing so many reasons why having a fulfilling sex life isn't in the cards for you.

I'm a survivor who couldn't orgasm and didn't much like sex. I figured out a way to heal and become sexually fully functional. It's not impossible. Do you want that for yourself?
 
#31 ·
It doesn't matter how much weight you've lost, or what therapy you happen to be in at the moment because until this changes, nothing else will change.









I notice you completely ignored the questions I asked you to answer. This tells me you wish to avoid accountability for the state of your marriage. Your past, your weight, your knees, your breathing problem, your lack of trust... notice these all start with YOU.



So I'll ask again, what do want your marriage to look like? Do you expect some agreement that sex no longer be a part of your marriage and your husband be completely fulfilled with this? I think you know this is unattainable and that's why you are trying to avoid accountability by listing so many reasons why having a fulfilling sex life isn't in the cards for you.



I'm a survivor who couldn't orgasm and didn't much like sex. I figured out a way to heal and become sexually fully functional. It's not impossible. Do you want that for yourself?


Right on...as usual ;)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#32 · (Edited)
I have always seen sex as procreative purposes only, and since we can't have children (I've had 2 miscarriages), I see no need for it. I know men have that need (though I wonder how they survive if they aren't married or able to get sex), but I just have no desire.
I forgot to comment on this. YOU see no need for it, but you are WRONG. Marriages almost NEVER survive without sex. Not unless the woman just tells the man 'you're free to go out and get sex anywhere you want it.'

Go to any therapist and they will tell you this.

And given your problems already, you two need to take a really hard look at WHY you got married, where the respect for each other is, and what happened to communication.
 
#40 ·
^^^ This!
@karson, marriages DO need sex; that's the one major difference between your relationship with your husband, and your relationships with others, and once that goes out the window, many other things also start going out the window. Take my word: my husband and I had a dreary sex life, and I hated it. I hated doing it with him so much that I had started lying about not feeling well just to get out of doing it. He was a virgin when we met, and wasn't bothered to learn about the subject of sex. He really had no idea what he was doing, wasn't able to understand (or didn't want to understand) things that I had suggested to him. Other things in our marriage were also falling apart, and in the end, we separated about a week and a half ago. I can say that I'm more relieved than sad, even though I felt sick for a few days. My next relationship, whenever that is, will be with someone either more experienced, or who's willing to be a sexual partner. Sex is important!
 
#34 ·
Karson, sex is a very important part of marriage. VERY important - for both physical and emotional connection. It's about sharing a side of yourself that no one else in the world sees except your spouse...a side that you save only for them. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

While your husband is very wrong in the way he's handling this, and misquoting the bible etc. I suspect he's acting out of sheer frustration. And before everyone slams me let me be clear - when Karson tells him to stop during sex HE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD STOP. No question, no doubt.

Divorce may not be an option, but annullment may be?

You can't expect your husband to live without sex for the rest of his life just because you see no need for it. That is incredibly selfish, arrogant - and not at all christian.
 
#35 ·
I feel that some of the posters just need to chill. OP has stated she knows the current pattern has to change and has taken many suggestions. Otherwise she wouldn't have come here and posted with a title that says need to change. It can be very hard to continually be bashed by strangers when you are working on change but not fast enough for the peanut gallery.

Focus on constructive suggestions please.
 
#42 ·
In this case her marriage is de-constructed.... a basket case.

Sugar coating rusty metal is inane. Not [in Aine]. @aine

No Orgasms?
I would suggest she try to self-pleasure herself. If this is effective....and hubby observes, he can get pointers...six inch pointers.

Remember the rule....25% of women cannot get an "O" from a penis. PIV
50% can, but only occasionally. Hit and miss...again.
The last 25% were blessed with a clitoris that is close to the vaginal opening and gets rubbed the right way.
 
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