Sex failure after 20 years - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Thumbs down Sex failure after 20 years

For the first 10-12 years of our marriage, sex was good for both of us, or so I thought. My wife was what I think a passive/submissive sexual partner in that she liked to have things done to her or be told what to do. She would often say "Do whatever you want" or "anything goes" - she liked sex to be rough on occasions and would urge me to push boundaries and we did. However, sometimes simple lovemaking was fine too.
Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex. She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.
I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me it is all my fault and it up to me fix it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
At a complete loss as to what do do next.
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post #2 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

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Originally Posted by twoofus View Post
For the first 10-12 years of our marriage, sex was good for both of us, or so I thought. My wife was what I think a passive/submissive sexual partner in that she liked to have things done to her or be told what to do. She would often say "Do whatever you want" or "anything goes" - she liked sex to be rough on occasions and would urge me to push boundaries and we did. However, sometimes simple lovemaking was fine too.
Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex. She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.
I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me it is all my fault and it up to me fix it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
At a complete loss as to what do do next.
Send her back to her ex.

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post #3 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

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Lately, however, she still wants to make love and complains that my libido has diminished. She no longer wants to do anything other than "missionary" and expects me not only to give foreplay but somehow leave it to me to get myself aroused. She barely touches me anywhere so if I managed to get an erection it is only because I can recall an erotic moment of the past. Worse still, she shows little response to anything I do to arouse her (I love to go down there) and my hard won erection starts to flag since it has had no encouragement to stay firm. I sometimes manage to get stiff again and enter her but there is no apparent enthuisasm on her part. I might as well be with a blow up sex doll (not that I have ever tried one). Needless to say, my erection is lost and we both end up frustrated then she turns on me demanding to know what is the matter with me and that she always had great sex with her ex. She then says she has never been able to cum with me (which is not true but she says she has lost quite a few memories). I could retort that my previous girlfriend and I had fabulous sex but I know enough not to say so.
I try to discuss our sex life but she tells me it is all my fault and it up to me fix it. I suggest a councillor and she shoots that down. I suggest we do other sex play activities but she won't have that. She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her. Quite honestly, I really don't want to make another attempt without some cooperation from her and would rather give up having sex with her altogether than be verbally abused again, but she still wants me to "sort it"
At a complete loss as to what do do next.
Jesus. It would no wonder if your libido has diminished. And her comments about her ex and "real men"? Charming woman. I'd best leave addressing that sort of nonsense to men who have been through it. I haven't, and honestly my inclination would be to suggest to her to look up her ex while I packed my bags.

But I may be able to help with something, unless as you say your wife is unwilling to talk about it at all: I'm nearly 55. These days it takes more than a bra ad in the newspaper to arouse me. I haven't dealt with ED (yet), but sometimes I need a little help to get aroused. My wife made a similar complaint about not having sex often enough (we probably average once every 4 or 5 days at this point, and she was much nicer about it than your wife). I gently told her exactly what I stated above, that I'm getting older and needed her help to get my engine running. What that means exactly or what it takes varies for all of us. For me it can be as simple as wearing a low-cut top, so I'm not talking about anything over the top (so to speak).

My wife has been making an effort, and I appreciate that a great deal. Honestly, from what you describe, I'm less hopeful about your wife.
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post #4 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

OP, my wife is similar to yours, although not nearly as disrespectful and mean-spirited. She doesn't really....do....anything in bed. Which has become more of an issue the past couple of years. I tried to get something started a few days ago, but the plumbing just wasn't responding without any help or feedback from her. None was offered, so I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said maybe some other time. I'm not terribly inclined to pursue the matter. Why bother?

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post #5 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

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....She is of the opinion a "real" man can get an erection on demand and it must be because I don't fancy her.....


Tell her a real woman would provide enough variety to give you what you need in order to be mentally and/or physically stimulated. On second thought do not stoop to her immaturity.

Seriously go to your doctor and ask to be tested for low testosterone. Do not take your dr's word for a "normal" result but rather do the research and find out what your level should be. Healthy man in is 40's should be about 600 total (and free % is also important).

Also your wife needs education if she believes an erection is available on demand without mental and/or physical stimulation. Also comparison to past lover exploits is an erection killer. Not many penises stand up to negative comparisons


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post #6 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

Was this change in her behavior sudden or gradual. Did it correlate with anything else changing in your lives?

Is she on any medication, anti-depressants etc? Are you?
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post #7 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

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Send her back to her ex.
If only that was an option, but he has never done anything to offend me
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post #8 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

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If only that was an option, but he has never done anything to offend me
LOL.

Send her somewhere.

Anywhere that's away from you.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #9 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

Woman here, I think you have to be open with your wife and tell her you are not getting any younger and the plumbing needs some attention from her. Have you got your T levels tested? There are aids, I think they were discussed in another forum such as Cialis.

How old are you both? If she is heading into perimenopause her plumbing may be a little rusty too. I think she does not realize how fragile a man's feelings are when it comes to his prowess, enlighten her please, I think she will change her tune. Be honest and tell her nicely her behavior does not help.
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post #10 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

Sorry dude, my willy would go flat having to listen to my W previous sexual exploits. Turn the tables on her, advise she does not do it anymore for you.

Find someone who is not insensitive.

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post #11 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

Has your wife gained a lot of weight over the last few years? Body image issues, and the concomitant shame, could account for her shift in sexual variety, and even the mean-spiritness; she could be terrified that your erection issues really do stem from her weight, and is lashing out from a place of humiliation.

If not, unfortunately, you might want to consider a potential affair. Her behavior is right in line with a ton of cheating partners.


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post #12 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

who would want to even make love to someone who is selfish and demanding along with rude and offensive?

Not me.
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post #13 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

To answer a few questions:
Meds: She is on an anti-depressant. Without it she would be completely miserable and unbearable. I'm not on any medication. I have tried Sildenafil (generic Viagra) which can help a little, but does not boost sexual desire.

Behaviour: I suppose her attitude towards sex has been gradually getting worse over the last few years.

Testostorone check: I don't think this is an issue, but I will get a checkup done. I'm 59, so probably worth asking for a few blood tests to be done.
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post #14 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

I think your body is saying I don't desire this person because shes a *****.

can you get hard and masturbate to completion? if so then its the resentment because of your wife's attitude towards sex through your whole marriage.

and her demeaning way she treats you.
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post #15 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-16-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Sex failure after 20 years

OP, sorry to learn of your dilemma, and welcome to TAM.

I share your problem. My wife isn't doing much in bed (too much work), and her behavior isn't conducive to getting (or keeping) an erection. I say this as a guy in his mid-30's, so the problem is quite bad.

I've been offended by my wife's behavior, and have flat out refused sex on her terms (no favors, no foreplay, quickies-only, etc). This can be a good short-term strategy that might lead to your wife putting in more effort and changing her ways in the bedroom. It's worth a try.

In the long-run, if your wife won't change her attitude about sex and you keep avoiding her, she will feel rejected. Be warned that this can create even more problems in your marriage, versus solving anything. It is at this point when avoidance nets you an emotional loss, and you should give her sex. If the woman wants vanilla sex, then give her vanilla sex. It will help your marriage even if not your own problems, and that's worth something.

When I'm getting busy with the wife and the complete lack of her foreplay or sexiness challenges my erections, I'll engage in enough foreplay on her to get an erection. But then, I'll stop foreplay in order to strike while the iron is hot. For you, if it's hard (no pun) to keep an erection with too much [one-sided] foreplay on your wife, stop the foreplay and get down to business. She'll be frustrated with intimacy (as you've described) if you deliver foreplay but not actual sex, so it's perhaps best to have sex when you can? Leave the foreplay for after sex, if she's still up for it.

Sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck!
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