Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
What do men in general like..... Just do sex, or also talk about it and talk with their spouse about new things they could do and such?
I'm wondering about that, because:
1- I'm a verbal women and words turn me on, has to be before touching or at the same time, otherwise things won't work well for me.
2- My husband says that he doesn't like to talk about sex, it makes him really uncomfortable.
This gets problematic of course, because he doesn't try to turn me on with sweet talk or just naughty/dirty talk.
And it is hard to get him to do new things.
Positions are the easiest, you can just move around until you are where you want to be.
But other things.......
"Do you have fantasies about what you would like to try".
"No, I don't and I don't like to talk about sex".
"Let's look at some toys online"
"Ok".
"Hm, I did like that, could be fun, what did you like the best?".
"Nothing really and we talked about sex long enough".
I take it slowly, baby steps at a time sometimes months in between, we a married for almost 10 years now and he still can't loosen up. And I'm myself not into extreme things at all
I know it is hard for a man who grew up in small town USA but?
Some input from men or women with experience with this?
What do men in general like..... Just do sex, or also talk about it and talk with their spouse about new things they could do and such?
I'm wondering about that, because:
1- I'm a verbal women and words turn me on, has to be before touching or at the same time, otherwise things won't work well for me.
2- My husband says that he doesn't like to talk about sex, it makes him really uncomfortable.
This gets problematic of course, because he doesn't try to turn me on with sweet talk or just naughty/dirty talk.
And it is hard to get him to do new things.
Positions are the easiest, you can just move around until you are where you want to be.
But other things.......
"Do you have fantasies about what you would like to try".
"No, I don't and I don't like to talk about sex".
"Let's look at some toys online"
"Ok".
"Hm, I did like that, could be fun, what did you like the best?".
"Nothing really and we talked about sex long enough".
I take it slowly, baby steps at a time sometimes months in between, we a married for almost 10 years now and he still can't loosen up. And I'm myself not into extreme things at all
I know it is hard for a man who grew up in small town USA but?
Some input from men or women with experience with this?
What you are describing, I think, can be experienced by a partner of either sex. A man or a woman can find their partner is like this. Some people just are not comfortable discussing sex. Reactions range from silence to changing the subject, eye rolling ("Oh, didn't we do this to death last week / month / year?") and to outburst of anger / upset ("Why do you have to talk about it? You know I don't want to?")
How much is inhibition, fear, distaste, passive aggression or power gaming probably varies nearly infinitely.
What I suspect is true is that YOU can't change it. They have to want to. You can, at that point, help them, but unless and until they want to become comfortable talking about sex, you ain't going to make them.
Knowing it happens to other people of both sexes probably isn't going to give you much of a cheer, but I don't think you're alone.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
From my experience some men like for their partners to talk about sex, tell what they do/do-not like and to bring new ideas. Some men do not.
My ex did not like it if I said anything. When I tried he would hush me up. He said he knew what he was doing... he did not.. sometimes he missed by a mile.
My current husband has no problem at all with me talking about sex, suggesting things, etc. Sex with him is a lot better.
I have no problem talking about sex. I am usually the one who wants to look at toys, and I have purchased several books to read together to help us talk about sex. It is my favorite subject! A couple of years ago I noticed a book called "Your Long Erotic Weekend." We spent 4 days alone together at a resort and worked through the book. It included much discussion about how to make our sex live better.
We have been married for 39 years and we can still learn!
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The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
My husband can be very open about sex, he'll talk for hours if I wanted too... never tires of it, never pushes me away.....enjoys the subject just fine.......But I am generally the initiator of such conversations, I am the question asker , I am the more enthusiastic in desiring to do NEW things, read & give more creativity to our bedroom experience, also the more verbal -like yourself. He is happy with all of this, sometimes I wish he would throw himself out there and surprise me, but I think he knows there ain't much I haven't come up with .... so I have spoiled the poor man.
Quote:
1- I'm a verbal women and words turn me on, has to be before touching or at the same time, otherwise things won't work well for me.
2- My husband says that he doesn't like to talk about sex, it makes him really uncomfortable.
This gets problematic of course, because he doesn't try to turn me on with sweet talk or just naughty/dirty talk.
I noticed what you said here... Some men are just quiet ....My husband was never a big flirter either.... If I was waiting for him to sweet talk & arouse my libido with words......we'd rarely have sex, he is more hands on about it- without too much being said. Looking back, I do feel this was one of the things that tripped us up in the past as I feel he could have wooood me & pushed my erotic buttons had he been more flirty / naughty/ dirty minded and let me HEAR what he wanted to do to me - being so quiet all the time is not the greatest of turn ons.
One thing I have noticed in a TON of relationships , including my own, and sounds like yours is.....Opposites attract... You are verbal.....He is not..... ...
...... So how about if YOU use your verbal skills on him to turn him on? .... I see you say you "NEED" him to do this... ....how has it been working the last 10 yrs of your marraige so far ?
Does he initiate more - just hands on?
When I suddenly wanted more sex, I suddenly became very verbal - which seemed to be a natural gift I was unaware of for many years....it seemed to flow like honey...just the way I was expressing & touching ......got us both charged up, I had to kinda ditch what I wanted out of him and just settle for getting us both going - it all leads to the same glorious end - anyhow.
Now if he REJECTS your verbal charms, if this doesn't turn the heat up, that is another obstacle entirely.
But how about starting there?
Why do you feel he IS this way? is he QUIET in talking about near everything -- or just SEX specifically? Any sexual abuse in his past, too strict of a religious upbringing? (this is why me & husband didn't talk about much in our marraige for many yrs, just felt taboo somehow, we were both sexually shy)
I noticed what you said here... Some men are just quiet ....My husband was never a big flirter either.... If I was waiting for him to sweet talk & arouse my libido with words......we'd rarely have sex, he is more hands on about it- without too much being said. Looking back, I do feel this was one of the things that tripped us up in the past as I feel he could have wooood me & pushed my erotic buttons had he been more flirty / naughty/ dirty minded and let me HEAR what he wanted to do to me - being so quiet all the time is not the greatest of turn ons.
Yes, I need to HEAR
One thing I have noticed in a TON of relationships , including my own, and sounds like yours is.....Opposites attract... You are verbal.....He is not..... ...
...... So how about if YOU use your verbal skills on him to turn him on? .... I see you say you "NEED" him to do this... ....how has it been working the last 10 yrs of your marraige so far ?
Does he initiate more - just hands on? I talked to get him talking, doesn't work. Early in our relationship he talked a lot, it got less and less over the years
When I suddenly wanted more sex, I suddenly became very verbal - which seemed to be a natural gift I was unaware of for many years....it seemed to flow like honey...just the way I was expressing & touching ......got us both charged up, I had to kinda ditch what I wanted out of him and just settle for getting us both going - it all leads to the same glorious end - anyhow.
Now if he REJECTS your verbal charms, if this doesn't turn the heat up, that is another obstacle entirely.
But how about starting there? See above , done that
Why do you feel he IS this way? is he QUIET in talking about near everything -- or just SEX specifically? Any sexual abuse in his past, too strict of a religious upbringing? (this is why me & husband didn't talk about much in our marraige for many yrs, just felt taboo somehow, we were both sexually shy)He is VERY talkative about almost every subject but sex.
Sexual abuse: yes, conservative upbringing yes
You kind of implied this in your original post, but if you're verbal and he's not, have you considered reading erotic stories together in bed? You could read aloud to him, allowing you to talk, and him to not talk. It might also be a safer way for him to explore different ideas.
My wife is kind of like your husband. She just doesn't have much of a fantasy life, which has required me to take a much stronger hand in what we do in bed than I ever thought I would. If she doesn't have any fantasies, she's still willing to explore mine.
So--and I realize this is probably way out there--it's possible that his unwillingness to talk is his way of telling you that he wants you to take a stronger hand in bed... maybe even light dominance. It's not uncommon for people who were abused when they were younger to want to have a more submissive sexual role as adults.
Do men like talk about sex? 
