Frustrated Husband

ohiodude · 01-24-2012, 07:15 PM

Sorry Auzzie, I really don't mean to stir things up, but what things do you do for your hubby every day to meet HIS needs? Isn't marriage supposed to be a meeting in the middle? Can't marriage be WIN-WIN?

MEM11363 · 01-24-2012, 07:41 PM

2K,
Why don't you try an experiment:
1. When you walk in the door at night - or when she walks in - give her a big smile and a warm hello. Don't hug her. If she wants a hug let her come to you - and if she does - hug her back.
2. And THEN: Don't initiate conversation with her. If she wants to talk, respond. And be upbeat and friendly. But let HER initiate the interaction.
3. STOP trying to manage her stress. If she is tense about something - LET her be. You can be supportive but don't try to fix it. Just tell her you are sorry she feels tense. You can ask her if there is anything you can do - but only AFTER she is finished talking about it. And if her response is for you to take on an unfair share of the workload at home - just smile and tell her you will think about it. But don't do it.
4. If she seems unhappy to be in your company - go do something with the kids or by yourself.
5. If she asks about your day - keep it short and positive. If possible a funny (and short) story about what happened is good.

Try this for a week or two and see what happens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2kwik4u

This is my first posting of the sorts and I am looking for some help with an unaffectionate wife.

We have been married going on 3 years now and have 2 kids. We both work a full time job and of course it doesnt stop when we get off with our kids. We constantly work on the house, cleaning, cooking, etc after we get off of work. What seems normal to me. She seems to have a lot lower sex drive than I do also which from reading other posts seem normal

But my wife is always very distant to me. She is never affectionate with me, doesnt compliment me, etc.
I probably do 80% of the chores around the house and go to school part time. I try to give her down time to spend with the kids, read a book,etc and still no gratitude, nothing from her. Not even a thank you most days.

We may have sex once a week. Sometimes every two weeks. I attempt to be affectionate with her cuddling, kissing, etc and unless anything is initiated by me then nothing happens. Im just gettting shut down 100 percent and feel like its a no win either way I go.

And Id have better luck talking to a brick wall than I would talking to her sometimes about it. It always turns into my fault. "You didnt do this and you didnt do that" yada yada yada and it just seems like excuses to me.

It is really iritating and causes a lot of arguments around our house over sex, love, one thing and another.
By no means right now do i think shes cheating. Im also not looking at going anywhere else to get what I need either. Just some suggestions would be nice

Enchantment · 01-25-2012, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2kwik4u

I agree with all of the suggestions on here and have read into the alpha male issue. The only problem I see is that she has had an abusive past with a previous man and I don't wanna go all alpha male on her and it bring back bad memories. I want what is good for both of us and not just to boost my ego. Hope this doesn't offend anyone.
Posted via Mobile Device

Well, labels don't hold much weight with me.

But, "alpha" should not mean that you become an aggressive, overbearing jerk who could care less about those around him.

Think, instead, of a cool, competent person, who is a leader, who you respect. That is what you want to be.

Would they be indecisive? Or competently make decisions?

Would they run roughshod over other's opinions? Or would they consider all angles and do what's best for all and not just themself?

Would they be quick to anger? Or would they be calm, cool, and collected?

Would they expect someone would 'owe' them something simply because of doing a good deed? Or would they do good deeds freely without expectation?

Would they allow someone to trample over their self-respect? Or would they calmly and confidently set and enforce their own personal boundaries?

Be a man who can answer YES to the second set of questions.

You can be a man who is both assertive and decisive when need be, and tender when need be, and considerate - all without having to give up your own self-respect or your own self-worth. THAT is the kind of man you should be modeling.

Best wishes.

romantic_guy · 01-25-2012, 11:16 AM

I agree with Enchantment; she is spot on! Women need a balance of alpha and beta. Do some reading on MMSL about Captain and First Officer.

Also check out "The Five Love Languages." My wife is not naturally affectionate either because it is not HER love language. She tries because it is MY love language.

The other thing is that many women have "responsive desire" meaning they probably won't initiate. Here is a good explanation:

do you know when you want it? | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::

One thing that MMSL will do is help you set boundaries for bad behavior. Not in a mean way, but in a calm assertive way.

Hope this helps! (BTW...married 39 years here and have worked through some of these issues)

spudster · 01-25-2012, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spudster
What was she like before the wedding?
Posted via Mobile Device

Are you talking sex wise or in general

I see three possibilities:

1) She wanted a husband. She let herself go and the sex was hot and frequent before the wedding. She lured you in and made you think she was going to be a hellcat in bed for the rest of your lives. She pressured you to marry her and you caved. After the wedding, and she had you hooked and strung up, she no longer had to pretend she liked sex. The boot knocking slowed to a crawl and now she treats you like you're a leper, and plans to do so for the rest of your marriage. You are a meal ticket for her, nothing more.

I know its hard for fragile minds to believe, but there are cold hearted women out there who do this.

OR...

2) She's having a physical affair with someone else and has done a good job of hiding it.

OR..

3) She was frigid and non-sexual before the marriage and you thought so much of yourself that you knew you could squeeze blood from the turnip and transform her into a wanton lover.
If that was the case, then you deserve what you get for marrying a cold fish.