How to trigger sex/feelings from gf/wife?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » How to trigger sex/feelings from gf/wife?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-26-2012, 11:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 29
Default How to trigger sex/feelings from gf/wife?

What should men do get wife to initiate sex?

The question is about the behavior and manners that men must have to get wife attracted and inclined to have sex. DO's and DONT's and personal experience in this matter would help.
Thanks.
masque9 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-26-2012, 09:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
shy_guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: 대한민국 부산
Posts: 2,490
Default Re: How to trigger sex/feelings from gf/wife?

Hello, masque9.

First, let me tell you up front, this is a man writing this. I'm also not thinking about any clinical issues when I answer. I hope that some ladies will respond to this, too. I am writing from my experience with my wife. We've had our dry spells, but we've also had our fantastic times. The first thing I've learned in this is to really get to know the lady because, even though there may be some tendencies we point out, every one is going to be an individual.

So some ideas on what I think, and what has worked well will follow. Honestly, I would like some of the ladies on the site to critique what I tell you for my benefit as well as the benfit of this discussion.

1. It can't start 5 minutes before you want sex. Most times, she needs to feel genuinely loved and secure. Doing your part to make her load lighter is almost always appreciated and remembered.

2. My wife loves for me to do things just for her such as massaging her feet and legs, or maybe even more of her body. I actually do this most evenings for her, and I never attach any strings - it is just for her. Take some time and plan it out so that she knows it is just for her. By this, I mean learn how to give a good foot massage if that's what you're going to do - look it up or watch youtube videos on it. Find what kinds of lotions/oils she likes and go buy them yourself. Maybe even present it to her gift wrapped. Make sure it's not just a quick trick to seduce her.

3. Sometimes, I will paint her toenails just before I massage her feet. Again, no strings attached - this is just for her. Maybe this should be the same subject as #2. On both, when I say "No strings attached," I really mean it. It doesn't require sex afterwards or any favors. Sex doesn't always happen that day, but she remembers such things when a good moment for her arises, and when she remembers, her heart is really in it.

4. Find what her fantasies or fetishes are and listen with understanding. Indulge her if you can. I've found that women (even my wife) sometimes fantasize about things that may make you uncomfortable as a husband - things like fantasizing that you rent her out to a rich man for a night for some exhorbitant amount of money. When my wife tells me about these kinds of fantasies, I will listen and understand her humanity. She really doesn't want this, but she likes to fantasize about it. I tell her that in the real world, I'm not going to share her with anybody, but in the fantasy world, I'll help her act out or roleplay any of her fantasies. I'm sure there are differences between ladies, but my wife loves the security, and the fun of that response and follow through. On fetishes, it may put you needing to do something that makes you very uncomfortable at least at first. I've just discovered my wife's kinky little fetish after 27 years of marriage (described in another post) and it embarassed me at first to do it for her - at least when I just got started, it became nice before it was over. However; this has thus far resulted in some wild nights as it turns her on like nothing else I've ever found. See if you can get your lady to really communicate to you if she has such a fetish, and see if you can indulge her if at all possible.

5. Don't make it all about the time you spend in sex. Make sure you take the time to cuddle and talk afterwards and take care of the emotions along with that. For me, I found that the number one reason for our dry spells was that I stayed up late at night writing or studying (I don't need much sleep) while she went to bed. She needed me to go to bed with her and just hug her, or let her hug me while she fell asleep on nights when there was no sex involved. When I neglected that emotional need, she was not in the mood much. I suppose that is understandable. So I would say find what her emotional needs are and be sure you meet those. (Another place where I need to be sure my lady's emotional needs are taken care of: I brag on her to my friends, and even better, I brag about her to her friends when she is there to hear it. I don't make it embarassing for her, and I make sure it is genuine - something I can honestly brag on her about and she knows it's honest.)

6. Sometimes, you just ask. She might actually be waiting for that.

When I think about our lovemaking, I would categorize our sessions in 3 ways: Romantic sex; Wild sex; and quickie. For the quickie, we don't have much time, and it is usually initiated by me asking straight out. Romantic sex happens when I am sure I am taking care of her and she really feels loved. Sometimes she initiates it, and sometimes I initiate it and find she was really waiting for me to initiate it. Wild sex is hard to predict, except when I've indulged her in her fetish, and she's had time to think about it, so usually the night after I've indulged her (although some of her fantasies can be called "wild." ).

Personally, I like having the balance of the three, but if I had to give up two and have only one, I would keep the romantic sex. You might have noticed that in my response, but maybe I'm not so different from other husbands in that.

Last edited by shy_guy; 01-27-2012 at 01:05 AM.
shy_guy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-29-2012, 03:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 22
Default Re: How to trigger sex/feelings from gf/wife?

shy-guys response is an excellent one, so following his lead will not hurt - it will help.

I would add:

For many women (and men) there are hang-ups that have their origin in the individuals upbringing. This could be religious or social or both. Often it is a parent giving poor advice = "Don't be forward - he'll think you're a ****" or similar nonsense.

Take a gentle approach. Ask her how you could best go about making her feel 'wanted' or sexy. Ask how she wants to be fulfilled as a woman and pander to those needs (they may not be sexual ones but making her feel safe will allow her to feel safe in opening up sexually).

There's no quick fix, but discovering together is a whole load of fun!
SimonLLL is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Nothing left for feelings with wife wantedhelp Considering Divorce or Separation 6 06-19-2012 12:33 PM
wife is a trigger? calvin Coping with Infidelity 6 03-27-2012 03:32 AM
Help! My wife developed feelings for another man... Foundations88 Coping with Infidelity 6 12-08-2011 10:08 AM
Wife has no feelings for me.... what now? MrJoshua The Men's Clubhouse 3 03-04-2009 05:56 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:13 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.