Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My fiance' has a very high drive and (as usual) when we first met, the sex was awesome - as was the relationship. As time has passed and I've gotten to know more about him and some things have happened between us, which I have had a hard time letting go of, my drive is zilch. Now I am at a place where I dread spending time with him because I know he'll want to have sex.
He is very open about everything with me and I used to be the same. In an attempt to make him happy and be loving, I suggested we watch some of his favorite porn together. He was happy and I was NOT. It made me feel weird, turned me off. Now the sounds and the smells of sex make me kind of ill.
When I do it (I never turn him down) I am into it. But immediately afterward, I don't want him to touch me and I want to put my clothes back on. I don't feel dirty, but I want to separate myself from him and what just happened.
How do you let go of resentments, get over your hurt and get back to normal? I have struggled with this seriously for about the past 6 months. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't like being like this and don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
Why did you think you needed to look at porn to be loving?? What makes you think that you have to endure in silence things that make you unhappy??
You are not ready to get married. You have a lot more to learn about yourself and about loving relationships.
First things first- do not marry this man now. Tell him how you feel and see how it goes. Stop doing things just to please him, this never works. He thinks you are doing things because you want to do them not just for him. He can't imagine how you feel unless you tells him.
The only way you will be able to tell if this is the man for you is to be yourself always. Never do things that disgust you just to please him. Speak up and let him know. If he does not like what you like then it is better you know now. You can search for a man with your values that you can respect.
Don't leave this relationship without giving him full disclosure and resolution. From now on, have your boundreies and keep to them. Compromising yourself to be loving is not loving it's a recipe for unhappiness. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, whatever you do - do not get married. To look at sex/intimacy as such a negative act is a very real problem for you. Do not marry anyone until you fix this. Not working on this will cause misery to anyone you marry as well as yourself. If you don't work on this, you should truly talk about this issue with prior to marrying anyone.
I would also suggest that you wait until you get married before having intercourse.
Why did you think you needed to look at porn to be loving?? What makes you think that you have to endure in silence things that make you unhappy??
You are not ready to get married. You have a lot more to learn about yourself and about loving relationships.
First things first- do not marry this man now. Tell him how you feel and see how it goes. Stop doing things just to please him, this never works. He thinks you are doing things because you want to do them not just for him. He can't imagine how you feel unless you tells him.
The only way you will be able to tell if this is the man for you is to be yourself always. Never do things that disgust you just to please him. Speak up and let him know. If he does not like what you like then it is better you know now. You can search for a man with your values that you can respect.
Don't leave this relationship without giving him full disclosure and resolution. From now on, have your boundreies and keep to them. Compromising yourself to be loving is not loving it's a recipe for unhappiness. Posted via Mobile Device
yes marriage will not resolve these issues only make them more complicated to deal with, you have some issue with not being able to get over something that causes you to not want to emotionally connect with him, you nees to deal with that, did he cheat? emotionally betray you, has he asked for your forgiveness for whatever happened, and did you give it or not, is he still wanting to marry you, if so maybe you should delay it until you are ready or divorce will be the final result down the line
I agree with the posters who say don't get married. But I will go further and suggest you break up. If you have serious issues in your relationship, such as you describe, before ever even getting married, there is almost no chance that you can sustain a long and happy marriage. If you do marry him, you will be divorced, probably with a kid, within five years. Don't do that to yourself, to him, or to your potential child.
My fiance' has a very high drive and (as usual) when we first met, the sex was awesome - as was the relationship. As time has passed and I've gotten to know more about him and some things have happened between us, which I have had a hard time letting go of, my drive is zilch. Now I am at a place where I dread spending time with him because I know he'll want to have sex.
He is very open about everything with me and I used to be the same. In an attempt to make him happy and be loving, I suggested we watch some of his favorite porn together. He was happy and I was NOT. It made me feel weird, turned me off. Now the sounds and the smells of sex make me kind of ill.
When I do it (I never turn him down) I am into it. But immediately afterward, I don't want him to touch me and I want to put my clothes back on. I don't feel dirty, but I want to separate myself from him and what just happened.
How do you let go of resentments, get over your hurt and get back to normal? I have struggled with this seriously for about the past 6 months. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't like being like this and don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
Hi honeysuckle ~
I agree with others that it is not good to get married without this being resolved.
You never go into the issues that are causing the resentments for you. But, you have to realize that becoming resentful is a choice that you are making - as opposed to actively trying to resolve whatever it is that is bothering you.
If you are closing off and building resentment instead of opening up and communicating freely from your heart during points of contention, then you won't be good marriage material for this man or the next. You have a choice - use your voice.
It is crucial that you tell your fiance what you are resentful about. Resentment kills love, and you must learn how to communicate your hurts to him. You may feel that because he loves you, he should automatically know what he did to cause the resentment. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
If you leave him to guess what is on your mind you will build up a wall that he will not be able to climb. Find a way to respectfully tell him how you feel, and allow him to resolve the issue together with you.
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Lack of Interest & Growing 'Disgust' With Sex 
