Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by krismimo
Thanks for the post, but I was looking also for people who were care takers it is a different animal that is hard to describe. But thanks for the post as for you you were lucky to only deal with it for weeks at a time. As for the long haul it is very very difficult to say the least.
Krismimo: 1st I want to say...My heart goes out to you, and all you are dealing with at home. I can not even imagine....
This subject is very very very emotional, it touches a raw nerve with many, rarely is it discussed before it happens. Thankfully most of us never have to experience this question in this lifetime.
I feel that many are quick to judge those who are are struggling with a Caretaking role - if/when the Caretaker expresses feeling "weak", lonliness overtaking them, they feel noone can relate to their silent pain, after all, they are healthy & well bodied... but they are missing what once "was" with a screaming intensity, they feel hopeless, drowning....
....had these same people got a taste, walked in such shoes, LIVED that for a time (not a temporary situation)- being the one who is the Giver, who had to learn to be near 100% selfless, I really feel much more compassion would be given, even sympathetic to some wayward thoughts .... it is easy to throw "vows" in another's face, remind them in sickness & in health -- but sadly this does not dissolve what has truly been "lost"- this attitude only throws a cold bucket of guilt, feeling more alone, more ashamed for having feelings, more unworthy to open & share their pain. If only we all could suspend our easy lives & just imagine what it would be like to walk in anothers shoes.
Not that you have had many responses such as this- though I felt GrownMan's was such......."That puts pressure on people to get married who have no bizz doing so."
I have never been in this situation, but I can tell you.... there is nothing in this life I fear MORE than something like this happening to me or my husband.....I can tear up within moments just "thinking" about such a fate befalling us....One of the reasons to live NOW & enjoy every waking moment -when life is GOOD, to never never take it for granted.
Do I feel I could handle it .... in honesty...not when I am in my sexual "prime", feeling young vibrant & physcially very much alive.... when I am older & expect our bodies to wane & fall apart.... I do believe I could handle it...so for me, It depends on the season in my life.
I have read stories on forums, one in particular I will never forget, I was sitting here......balling like a baby.... this one wife , she literally HATED herself, her husband was sick, cancer, prostate surgery, they once had a beautiful marraige, that vibrant sex life....since his surgery, he lost his spirit, he wanted nothing to do with sex- or her, he was repulsed by her touches, she felt rejection every day, (for him)-every touch from her was something he failed at.... he gave up on life, she was struggling so hard with her feelings, the desires that never left her, she just wanted him back , to touch her again, but what was -was no more. He was ABLE to do so much more -but his self esteem was shot so low, he was a different man, a hollow man, to give to another- to care about her needs, also blown to the wind... She still craved to be touched, held, loved , it was not his fault (which only makes these things more difficult).... but she still felt young & alive, it was killing her.....it was a burden she never thought she would live, she was falling under its weight very fast, thinking about other men, wanting to be fullfilled again.....but what could she do, to go outside the marraige, to divorce him when he is sick.... how could she look herself in the mirror... that is the dilemma. How could her friends look at her & feel she was a good person -if she fell so low.
This is a death of what "was". When I think of "caretaker" role, I immediately think "Paraplegic"...in such a case, there is no arms, there is no feeling.....even pleasure is a gift we take for granted.
Then (like this woman's story)....even if you have the arms & the feeling to still enjoy touch/physical pleasure.... many who are ill, it takes such a hit on their self esteem/egos - or they are in so much pain, they want nothing to do with sexual intimacy ever again, you could move heaven & earth , but they have allowed their spirits to die with the illness/ disease.
I did a thread on this very subject about 2 yrs ago - I deleted it a while back. Me & my husband have talked about this subject at length....This British heartbreaker got us talking..."Breaking the Waves"
..... it was about a newly married couple who was very much in love, she was a virgin, very religious, very young, very niave. He was her 1st, he showed her how beautiful making love/passion was, she was never happier in her life, then shortly after...he gets completely paralyzed in an Oil rigging accident.The movie was very very disturbing. He doesn't want to live, he feels helpless & a burden.... he wants her to be able to make love to other men, and tells her if she does this that it might heal him. She does not want to do this, but she believes what he says to be true. She would literally do anything he asked her to do, even to the detriment to her own life. He then wanted her to report back to him about all of her affairs, like he was there in spirit with them. Others saw this as abuse. I don't know, it gave him something to live for. The ending is even more disturbing. So very very intense & RAW this movie was.
....Me & mine talked about an hour afterwards & a # of times since then..... he knows my heart, he also knows I could not handle that situation.... I would be reduced to a bastetcased depressed woman, I would be the one who needed help... ....(I feel all Caretakers need other activities in thier life- an escape, friends, some need counseling)....
My husband feels it is MORE LOVING to allow your spouse the freedom to go out & take a Lover... under those circumstances (thankfully very rare). Though he would ask me to take care of him, he would NOT want me to divorce him or leave him. I cried when he told me this. How is this NOT LOVING? Doesn't mean I would take advantage of such a deep sacrifice on his part, but just knowing he cares THAT much for MY Happiness & Fullfillment is worth more than something I can even express. What a beautiful man, in his own pain, he would be thinking of me.... just knowing I had that option... somehow would make it more barable to cope every day.
MY feelings are the same ....I also would allow my husband this freedom as well, I would NOT want to be a burden, I hate the near thought of it. He says he would never, as his hand would be enough . Love him for that, but I can't say I would be as content as him (just being honest!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stonewall
I have had some serious medcal problems including cancer. My wife hung in there. It still causes me anxiety (return of cancer is always on my mind) and it can make it difficult to function.
I told my wife that if it got to the point that I could not take care of her sexually that she was free to get taken care of elsewhere but certain rules applied. No mouth kissing, no sleepovers (just get it and then come home) and lastly I didn't want to know who it was.
All I want is for her to be happy and fulfilled.
Stonewall, never ceases to amaze me -how much you are like my husband ! When I read your post, It is what compelled me to put my own thoughts on this thread... I near wrote a book !
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
Well, I have chronic pain in my pelvic area due to endometriosis and IBS (which is from my endo because of lesions, etc). I had surgery a year ago, but I think it's back as the pain is back. I'm seeing a doc in March and hopefully get into a specialist soon. Probably need another surgery.
During my cycle, the pain is so bad, I just curl up and cry. Nothing more I can do. Hubs is very good to me and takes care of me. Why would he mention sex for those 5 days I feel like dying? he's not a Neanderthal!
Hubs has chronic pain from a botched groin hernia surgery. He is managing it well with different shoes, floor pads for work, etc...but sometimes he just wants to sit and not move. Why would i bother him for sex?
We have a good sex life...we've gone no more than 2 weeks without it (after birth and after surgery), but there were real reasons why there was no sex.
If Hubs was in a horrible accident and couldn't have sex, or got sick and didn't want sex....what can i do? yea, it would suck, but holy crap...I hope my head wasn't that far up my ass that I couldn't see that sex isn't the only thing to worry about. If he got sick with something incurable, I'd be making memories with him and trying to hold on to every moment.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
Krismimo: 1st I want to say...My heart goes out to you, and all you are dealing with at home. I can not even imagine....
This subject is very very very emotional, it touches a raw nerve with many, rarely is it discussed before it happens. Thankfully most of us never have to experience this question in this lifetime.
I feel that many are quick to judge those who are are struggling with a Caretaking role - if/when the Caretaker expresses feeling "weak", lonliness overtaking them, they feel noone can relate to their silent pain, after all, they are healthy & well bodied... but they are missing what once "was" with a screaming intensity, they feel hopeless, drowning....
....had these same people got a taste, walked in such shoes, LIVED that for a time (not a temporary situation)- being the one who is the Giver, who had to learn to be near 100% selfless, I really feel much more compassion would be given, even sympathetic to some wayward thoughts .... it is easy to throw "vows" in another's face, remind them in sickness & in health -- but sadly this does not dissolve what has truly been "lost"- this attitude only throws a cold bucket of guilt, feeling more alone, more ashamed for having feelings, more unworthy to open & share their pain. If only we all could suspend our easy lives & just imagine what it would be like to walk in anothers shoes.
Not that you have had many responses such as this- though I felt GrownMan's was such......."That puts pressure on people to get married who have no bizz doing so."
I have never been in this situation, but I can tell you.... there is nothing in this life I fear MORE than something like this happening to me or my husband.....I can tear up within moments just "thinking" about such a fate befalling us....One of the reasons to live NOW & enjoy every waking moment -when life is GOOD, to never never take it for granted.
Do I feel I could handle it .... in honesty...not when I am in my sexual "prime", feeling young vibrant & physcially very much alive.... when I am older & expect our bodies to wane & fall apart.... I do believe I could handle it...so for me, It depends on the season in my life.
I have read stories on forums, one in particular I will never forget, I was sitting here......balling like a baby.... this one wife , she literally HATED herself, her husband was sick, cancer, prostate surgery, they once had a beautiful marraige, that vibrant sex life....since his surgery, he lost his spirit, he wanted nothing to do with sex- or her, he was repulsed by her touches, she felt rejection every day, (for him)-every touch from her was something he failed at.... he gave up on life, she was struggling so hard with her feelings, the desires that never left her, she just wanted him back , to touch her again, but what was -was no more. He was ABLE to do so much more -but his self esteem was shot so low, he was a different man, a hollow man, to give to another- to care about her needs, also blown to the wind... She still craved to be touched, held, loved , it was not his fault (which only makes these things more difficult).... but she still felt young & alive, it was killing her.....it was a burden she never thought she would live, she was falling under its weight very fast, thinking about other men, wanting to be fullfilled again.....but what could she do, to go outside the marraige, to divorce him when he is sick.... how could she look herself in the mirror... that is the dilemma. How could her friends look at her & feel she was a good person -if she fell so low.
This is a death of what "was". When I think of "caretaker" role, I immediately think "Paraplegic"...in such a case, there is no arms, there is no feeling.....even pleasure is a gift we take for granted.
Then (like this woman's story)....even if you have the arms & the feeling to still enjoy touch/physical pleasure.... many who are ill, it takes such a hit on their self esteem/egos - or they are in so much pain, they want nothing to do with sexual intimacy ever again, you could move heaven & earth , but they have allowed their spirits to die with the illness/ disease.
I did a thread on this very subject about 2 yrs ago - I deleted it a while back. Me & my husband have talked about this subject at length....This British heartbreaker got us talking..."Breaking the Waves"
..... it was about a newly married couple who was very much in love, she was a virgin, very religious, very young, very niave. He was her 1st, he showed her how beautiful making love/passion was, she was never happier in her life, then shortly after...he gets completely paralyzed in an Oil rigging accident.The movie was very very disturbing. He doesn't want to live, he feels helpless & a burden.... he wants her to be able to make love to other men, and tells her if she does this that it might heal him. She does not want to do this, but she believes what he says to be true. She would literally do anything he asked her to do, even to the detriment to her own life. He then wanted her to report back to him about all of her affairs, like he was there in spirit with them. Others saw this as abuse. I don't know, it gave him something to live for. The ending is even more disturbing. So very very intense & RAW this movie was.
....Me & mine talked about an hour afterwards & a # of times since then..... he knows my heart, he also knows I could not handle that situation.... I would be reduced to a bastetcased depressed woman, I would be the one who needed help... ....(I feel all Caretakers need other activities in thier life- an escape, friends, some need counseling)....
My husband feels it is MORE LOVING to allow your spouse the freedom to go out & take a Lover... under those circumstances (thankfully very rare). Though he would ask me to take care of him, he would NOT want me to divorce him or leave him. I cried when he told me this. How is this NOT LOVING? Doesn't mean I would take advantage of such a deep sacrifice on his part, but just knowing he cares THAT much for MY Happiness & Fullfillment is worth more than something I can even express. What a beautiful man, in his own pain, he would be thinking of me.... just knowing I had that option... somehow would make it more barable to cope every day.
MY feelings are the same ....I also would allow my husband this freedom as well, I would NOT want to be a burden, I hate the near thought of it. He says he would never, as his hand would be enough . Love him for that, but I can't say I would be as content as him (just being honest!)
Stonewall, never ceases to amaze me -how much you are like my husband ! When I read your post, It is what compelled me to put my own thoughts on this thread... I near wrote a book !
Same here SA. You sound exactly like my wife in so many ways. If fact you and your husbands entire relationship seem to be an astounding parallel to me and my wife's.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
This is a tough question because it also involves how intimacy is handled between the couple in ways that are not just sexual. I think that a bond between partners can be very strong if it is nurtured and that there are other ways to achieve that connection that don't involve actual sex. Sometimes an embrace or holding hands or kissing can reinforce that kind of connection well enough (while leaving the spouse who is in need of an orgasmic release to take care of it on his/her own). Communication has to be really good, I think, for this kind of thing to work.
Personally, I'm a very sexual person and if I had my choice with EH, I'd want him a couple of times a day. But, we did the LDR thing for many many years and I've gone two years without just so I wouldn't cheat on him, but it took a whole lot of strength and resolve and fantasy and self-sufficiency; but my love for him was greater than my physical cravings. When he became ill and had no energy for anything, we'd go several weeks without it, at one point even went like 2 months. It was tough for me, and I felt doubly betrayed when I found out later that it was just a cover for avoiding intimacy with me because he was having affairs. However, he and I have been separated now for almost five months and I doubt I would even consider being with someone else until our situation is resolved and no longer in limbo; in part, the illness he actually does have is contributing to the separation, so...it really just depends.
To be honest, if I were ill and couldn't perform and my EH needed to get it elsewhere, I'd have been okay with it as long as he was being safe and as long as I knew I took priority over a sex partner who merely provided physical needs. It's different when there's division of loyalties, lack of communication, and emotional infidelity mixed in and different people handle those things differently. I think it must depend to some extent on the "love languages" and the emotional needs of the individuals involved, so it's really variable and there's no one answer that works for everyone.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
My H and I talked about this. Both sets of our parents are at the point where one of them has dementia and the other is the primary caregiver. That made us think and talk about what our expectations would be if we became like that, or if we had a debilitating illness or accident before we were so aged.
You never know, of course, what the future holds, nor do you know how you will react when it unfolds before you. Sometimes people find tremendous amounts of strength within themselves to be able to handle horrible situations and to keep going. Sometimes they don't.
We both agreed, that as long as we were able to care for the other, we would try with all we had in us. It wouldn't matter whether there was no sex or not. Neither one of us would want to go off and get it somewhere else - because sex is not about a release to either one of us, it is about the intimacy that we share and that binds us together.
Taking care of an ill spouse, while it may be incredibly difficult, is also a kind of intimacy that binds you together. You hold the comfort of their daily life and their well-being in your very hands - there is nothing more intimate than that.
We also agreed that if it involved our mental faculties, that we would only go so long as we were capable of handling it - and if we had to put one or the other in a care facility because more skilled care was needed, we would.
Neither one of us like the idea about divorcing/remarrying if one of us became infirm. But, I did tell him that in my heart I simply could never divorce him and marry someone else if he were the one who became infirm. I would be faithful to him until the end. And I told him that if I was the one who became infirm, he could divorce me if he needed to, because I would want him to be happy. He said that would never make him happy, so he would not do it.
I hope that we never get to the point where we have to make those kinds of decisions. But, it is important to talk about those things - especially as you start to get to mid-life and you see the effects of aging and infirmity in your parents, and you start to see it in yourself.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
If my wife was ill/incapacitated, I could go without sex at least for a few years. After that I don't know, I can't really predict myself so far into the future and I may wander.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
As my wife is in th early stages of an incurable disease this topic sparked some interest for me. I would say that if my wife was in a short term situation such as a year long rehab, or a situation where we knew that we would be able to continue our sex lives, or adjust our sex life to be mutually fulfilling eventually, then I would be willing to obstain from sex. I can't imagine the crushing feeling of not only dealing with the current issues but also worrying or dealing with your partners unfulfilled sexual needs.
However, if my wife or I was unable to ever have sex again, then I would want to discuss the possibilities with her of ways to fulfill our sexual needs. I can't say what that would entail as I haven't had the conversation yet. From my perspective I think I would rather we hire an escort for her in my home and with me there, i would be able to handle it. Although my wife usually climexs without penetration, so sex might possibly not be a need for her. I would think I could still be happy as long as I knew we still loved each other. If she was the one unable to have sex, then I would want her perspective on what she would be the most comfortable with as far having sex with a partner outside the marriage. Although at (27) it feels like sex is a life need, it's possible that my perspective will change if/when anything does god forbid happen to one of us. Overall I think I would be open to either of us continuing to have sex with other partners if the other was never going to be able to again. I don't feel like this would break our vows to love and care for each other as long as both shall live. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
If my fiancee couldn't have sex due to illness/injury for the rest of his life, I'd masturbate. I would never go get another partner, even if he gave permission to do so.
If I was unable to have sex due to illness/injury for the rest of my life, I'd want him to do whatever made him happy. I'd please him in whatever way I could.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
I haven't dealt with this situation myself, but hypothetically I just couldn't turn my back on my wife over that. She's so much more to me than something physical. I don't pretend that that isn't important, but I'd never leave or cheat or anything else detrimental to her or to our marriage because she was unable to do that. I'm sorry that you've struggled with this situation and hope things turn out well.
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex?
I know I could deal with it for years ...now. But not when I was younger.
Many people can go years without sex but it has absolutely nothing to do with virtue, love or commitment, but they simply have a moderate or non-existent sex drive.
As for a spouse's sexual behaviour under such stress, I really wouldn't feel qualified to praise or condemn someone else.
1Likes
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex? 
Re: If your Spouse became Ill How Long Do You think you Could you Go Without Sex? 
