mikeydread1982

Yeah, that and he'll think you're a liar and start to wonder what else you've lied to him about for years. Because if you'll lie about something this simple, then...you know it ends. Just don't fake anymore, and if he finishes, just say you weren't done and that you need more time, and build on that.

PBear

You say you take responsibility for it, but you're blaming him for not knowing the difference between real and fake orgasms? Sorry, does not compute...

Every woman is different. Some women are obvious, like squirting across the room obvious. Some, like my GF, are obvious sometimes, but much more subtle others. I'd like to say I could always tell if she was faking, but I suspect if she wanted to, she could fake me out. And some women are much more subtle all the time.

Personally, I'm not sure if coming clean with him now is the best solution, or just working with him to gradually teach him what you need. I'd lean towards teaching him gradually, and not telling him you've been faking for your entire sexual relationship. Unless, of course, you want to start dealing with ED issues too..,

C
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anotherguy

"How hasnt he picked up on me faking all these years?" Really? That is his failing?

Lets talk about the nature and extent of your fakery before we begin to entertain his inability to 'pick up on it'.

Why should he? Would you feel better if he just assumes you are simply performing theatrics for nobodys benefit?

I understand your frustration m'lady.. but this is *totally*, 100% on you. If I may be so bold.

mikeydread1982

mikeydread1982

Ok, this may sound terrible, but i'm on a roll today, but this is the best and worst advice rolled into one.
#1 is spot on. #2 Bad idea, this is an emotional type of approach and will not be received well. It is riddled with deceit. You will still be a liar, and will be questioned to death. #3Frustrated and unsatisfied? Really? That will go well. Leading with the foreplay is a good idea, just don't come off as a whiner, that'll just complicate things and make them awkward.

Runs like Dog

Can't tell or don't care?

__________________
fight back

Tall Average Guy

But why would he need to, if he believes that this gives you an orgasm? You may be telling him you want him to last longer, but he figures it is not a big deal because he does not know why you need it longer.

You need to keep repeating the following to yourself:

MY HUSBAND IS NOT A MIND-READER

Woman orgasm in different ways. In fact, the same woman can orgasm in different ways. My wife has different ones, and sometimes it is difficult to tell if I am not paying close attention. To wonder why your husband cannot tell is unfair.

That is on you. He thinks everything is fine (because frankly you have lied to him for so long telling him it is fine). You will need to tread carefully, as others have noted. I suspect that pointing out that your hormones have changed, creating more interest and different needs is the way to go. Also noting that in your self-experimenting, you have found things that really work for you, different than what the two of you have been doing, and that you want to try them together. You are not explicitly lying, which is important (though it is technically a lie by omission, I think that is the better choice). You also need to stop faking it.

Also, does your husband know about the molestation?

mikeydread1982

Good advice. I was trying to figure out a proper approach to the discussion. you nailed it.

cruiser

I'm not saying that finding out my wife was lying about her pleasure in bed our entire marriage wouldn't be devastating. However if she's been faking the whole time he probably thinks she has an O ever time they have sex.

How does she even approach him with what she actually needs in bed without owning up to her past or laying more lies on him. I for one have no problem with sex requests from my wife, but from my POV if all these years I've been awesome in bed and she's saying she needs x,y and z to O then I'm going be like whats up with what I've been doing.

TallJeff

Given you've said that you ONLY ever faked for your whole marriage, in order for him to 'pick up on it' would imply he thinks your lying ... and have been for your whole marriage.

So your husband probably TRUSTS you, and that's why he hasn't picked up on it.

mikeydread1982

I don't know why, but I would be turned on and go to town on it if it were that explicit.

As for #2, if she had told him from the onset that she couldn't O due to the abuse, then of course he would understand. The lie is from saying "despite the abuse, I can still O because you're amazing and everything you do makes me forget that horrible past." See how that could lead to trouble? And for #3 I am always close when my wife O's, then we stop because I have to really focus to get there, so I know how it is. However, the way you said it first seemed more like whining. that's all. All she has to say is that she wants to try something different.

mikeydread1982

If my woman says hey, let's switch it up a bit. That's all it takes, I won't question where it's coming from, i'll just be like "ooooh different" and roll with it. Doesn't even have to be a long discussion.

Tall Average Guy

The problem is that telling the truth does not undo the lie. She was still a liar, and he will now have doubts. I agree she needs to stop lying, just noting that suddenly telling the truth will not make everything better.

I suspect that had you been telling your husband you were having orgasms while also asking him to last longer, you would not have been as successful, becuase the reason behind your request would have been hidden from him. I don't see how the OP can blame her husband for her frustration, when up until now she has been telling him that he is getting the job done (or at best, has sent mixed signals).

She does need to communicate, and I think the changes she mentions are a good opening to get him to do things to help her orgasm.

Auzzie

OKi Dokie...let me clear a few misconceptions being drawn gere..either through myself not explaining enough...or whatever.

My husband has known Ive not orgasmed with him. He knows I was molested...I told him within weeks of starting our journey together. I do enjoy sex with my H and can get a little vocal, because it feels wonderful...and that sets him off. He has always been a premature ejaculator...we have tried to talk about it, whereby he promises to try harder next time...but unfortunately...it hasnt happened yet.

I wont pressure him over it as Ive hear that makes it worse...and I dont want to do that to him ever or make him feel crappy. He has known for many years I havent orgasmed with him....and I dont think it matters to him to be honest. He is a great man who has had very little sexual past...and perhaps as has been mentioned hasnt ever bought a woman to orgasm....I dont know...its not something I chat to him about...and frankly talking about past sexual partners isnt our cup of tea.

We had sex this morning with me being the inititator, which is a first in a very long time, we started out great...but ended not so great. I tried to be clear as possible about what I wanted him to do, and he seemd happy to follow my lead. I was starting to relax and let my mind just relax as well....and Id open by eyes to see him looking at the wall...I didnt know why...and that ended it for me. My body shut down and I mentally gave up. He said afterwards he thought I was going to fall asleep! I said...I was finally relaxing...LOL.

I do think Im to blame as I dont know how to orgasm with a man full stop. I havent ever been brough to orgasm by my past sexual partners. I do have trust issues deep down obviousley.

I would give anything to be normal.

chillymorn

you sound mormal to me.

I'm the same way it takes me awhile to orgasm and if I notice her looking disinterested then it just dosn't happen.