It Shouldn't Be That Difficult
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-30-2012, 09:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It Shouldn't Be That Difficult

My fiance and I have been together a year and just got engaged this past Christmas. We love each other very much and are very good for and to each other. He gives me a lot of affection and is very considerate of me. I just have one issue... he is terrible at revving my engine. I have a huge sexual appetite, in fact, I was the one who would often bring up having sex more often. But he seems to think that he can just say, "Let's have sex" and we jump right into bed, kiss a little, and go straight to it. I've told him, I'm all for it... occassionally... not EVERY TIME. He tells me he doesn't want to have to work for it. I say I can't go through a lifetime having no romance in my sex life. He thinks "Let's have a quickie before I go downstairs to watch TV" is "being spontaneous". I tell him, let's try it in a different place, just grab me and ravage me, or tell me how sexy I am. His response, "You already KNOW that you're sexy" I say "I'd still like to hear it from you to get me going. It's not that difficult, just pick something" His response in turn is, "Well I told you I wanted a quickie, so I was trying to be spontaneous and that should tell you that I'm attracted to you and want sex with just you. I don't know what else you want from me" Then I suggest "How about throwing me on the bed?" He says "You're already sitting on the bed, what am I supposed to do, grab you and throw you back onto the bed?" Valid point yes, but he doesn't get it... it's not about throwing me onto the bed, it's about the excitement of an act 'like' throwing me on the bed... or lunging at me to shove your tongue down my throat... or flipping me over onto my belly to smack my ass. SOMETHING! Half of the time, we gel well together and the sex is great and we have no problems getting each other's engines revved. Other times, we argue about how to go about it, put our clothes back on, and leave the room. I've tried telling him what I like at normal times so that he can use that info later when things do get heated... but it's like he never heard me. I get so tired of the sex being so to the point and boring. I want him to grab me and throw me onto the bed. I want him to pick me up and place me on the kitchen counter. I want him to invade the shower while I'm sudded up. Anything but "Wanna go upstairs?" "Let's have sex" and right to the bed we go waiting for the other to make the next move. How do I get him stop being so sexually lazy without making him feel frustrated or incompetent?

Update on this situation is in a comment I made below... you'll see it... it's the reeeally long essay when you scroll down


UPDATE!!
So this morning, my fiance woke me up with a kiss, as usual, but then I sighed with relief when he said, "Hunnie, I couldn't sleep because what you said has been on my mind. I've done some soul searching while you were sleeping and I think I've come up with a decent compromise that'll keep us both satisfied. How about whenever we 'just go straight to sex' you and I hold me accountable for next time and you get it however you want it? Does that sound good to you?" I said "Baby, that's perfect. That's all I wanted. Compromise. A meet in the middle." I also added that there will be times when I want to "just f**k" too (they will not be that often but it will happen) so that is a great compromise and I think that this will work. He also added that there will be some times when he will want to be passionate, romantic, and have a big foreplay session. I promised that I'll try being more aggressive and initiate more. He told me to stay in bed and made me breakfast in bed then when we both ate, he gave me soft kisses all over and we had amazing sex and it wasn't just amazing for him, it was amazing for me too! Finally!

Thank you everyone for your input! I'm so relieved, happy, and feeling great about our future. I'm reminded of how great of a team we are together and we both truly feel that we can make this last a lifetime

Last edited by Shauna; 02-02-2012 at 01:57 PM.
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Old 01-30-2012, 09:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It Shouldn't Be That Difficult

Have you considered copying your post and leaving it where he can find it and read it?
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Old 01-30-2012, 09:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It Shouldn't Be That Difficult

You said he didn't want to have to "work for it" ...but my initial thought was maybe you need to be less available for him and tease more. I don't mean reject him, no no no!! and I don't know if this would work for your man, but I know in our marriage, subtle looks, flirtation, body language definitely has him taking me in different parts of the house spontaneously... unless I make him wait and then he knows it's all part of our flirtation. This could just be called flirting but I know in our home, always being available took excitement out for both of us. I wanted that "just take me" and he wanted that tease. Works for us. Obviously not all the time is like this, it varies, but just thought I'd offer this as food for thought.
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Old 01-30-2012, 09:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: It Shouldn't Be That Difficult

You fail to mention how old you and your hubby are. I was married to a guy that thought foreplay meant a few french kisses..a little grab here..a little grab there..and he was on me. Woo!! Granted, we had sex a lot but it was never mind blowing for me because he was too much in a hurry to just "get to it".

I heard the same things.."Wanna go upstairs??" "Are ya horny??" "Let me bend ya over the sink and get er done!!" We had sex in lots of great places but again..it was pretty mundane!!

My advice is to give it some time. The older he gets, the less "testosterony" he'll be and by that time, maybe he'll be more able to give you more of what you're looking for..it's only been a year..give it like five and I'm sure the sex will be sooo much better!!

Hang in there!!
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Old 01-30-2012, 09:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: It Shouldn't Be That Difficult

Sorry it seems I skipped that point - we've always had good foreplay and my mind went straight to you wanting to be taken. Is there a way you can teach him that truly exploring each others bodies and slowing things down, can be exhilarating? Along with the teasing and flirting? I say lead by example and see how he responds.
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Old 01-30-2012, 10:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It Shouldn't Be That Difficult

Tie him to the bed and SHOW him how its done!
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Have you considered copying your post and leaving it where he can find it and read it?
Yes I have and it hasn't worked yet. I'm considering copying this post into a hand written letter to him and asking him to read it and tell me what he thinks.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
You said he didn't want to have to "work for it" ...but my initial thought was maybe you need to be less available for him and tease more. I don't mean reject him, no no no!! and I don't know if this would work for your man, but I know in our marriage, subtle looks, flirtation, body language definitely has him taking me in different parts of the house spontaneously... unless I make him wait and then he knows it's all part of our flirtation. This could just be called flirting but I know in our home, always being available took excitement out for both of us. I wanted that "just take me" and he wanted that tease. Works for us. Obviously not all the time is like this, it varies, but just thought I'd offer this as food for thought.
Well I can't be less available because both of us really enjoy being sexually available to one another. That was one of the many things we agreed makes us great together. The conflict comes when I want more excitement, and he wants to get straight to it, and I want to nip this in the bud before it turns into a bigger issue. We do tease each other sometimes, but that's more of him not entering me all the way and making me really want all of him NOW or me taking my panties off painfully slow so that he's pining for that access... maybe I need to try teasing in regular situations to make him really hungry for it! Thanks for the advice!

Last edited by Shauna; 01-31-2012 at 12:44 PM.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by memyselfandi View Post
You fail to mention how old you and your hubby are. I was married to a guy that thought foreplay meant a few french kisses..a little grab here..a little grab there..and he was on me. Woo!! Granted, we had sex a lot but it was never mind blowing for me because he was too much in a hurry to just "get to it".

I heard the same things.."Wanna go upstairs??" "Are ya horny??" "Let me bend ya over the sink and get er done!!" We had sex in lots of great places but again..it was pretty mundane!!

My advice is to give it some time. The older he gets, the less "testosterony" he'll be and by that time, maybe he'll be more able to give you more of what you're looking for..it's only been a year..give it like five and I'm sure the sex will be sooo much better!!

Hang in there!!
Here's a bit more on our history if that helps... I'm 27 and he is 30. I'm 5'3 and Chinese, he's 6'2 and Italian/English. I've been in many monogomous relationships before whereas he has only been in two monogomous relationships. He had been in a relationship for 4 years and never said I love you to the girl and felt awkward bringing her to family events, but he said she let him treat her however he wanted. He was with her that long because he thought that if he was with her long enough she could turn out to be the one. I guess she got tired of it because she broke up with him to get married to someone else. Anyway, he met me two years after that at a time when he was finally looking for someone to settle down with, dated a bunch of girls, but none of them were "the one". After our second date, I wouldn't let him kiss me when he leaned over. I told him "I like you a lot, but I need to get to know you better first". I knew that if I kissed him, I'd want to do more. His sister (she's 23), who is his best friend (and my maid of honor), told me that night he deleted all those girls off of his phonebook and told the sister that he had possibly found his soulmate. He introduced me to his family in the first month we dated... his sister says I am his first love. He said that part of why he knew I was the one (besides that I'm "gorgeous, kind, multi-talented, funny, great cook, and intelligent") was because I wouldn't let him get away with anything and that I command respect. He said that everything in one petite package was something he thought didn't exist. His family says that he's never treated any girl near as much as he dotes on me and that they've waited a long time for a girl like me to come into his life. Now that we are closing in on our one year anniversary, he is still wonderful to me, but life is starting to diminish the lust in the bedroom (for me at least). Right now, I think because he's so stressed with work, finances, going to fire academy, and his mother going through depression/menopause it's taken a toll on his energy. I just came to the realization today that guys just can't split up their energies into different areas like women do. For now, I'll just be empathetic to him and although I can't just get right to the sex like he wants, maybe I'll continue to be the one to set it up and be aggressive. I just hope that I don't get tired of being the only one doing all the work before he gets over his funk. Your advice to give it some time is really encouraging and it makes sense.

Last edited by Shauna; 01-31-2012 at 01:19 PM.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Tie him to the bed and SHOW him how its done!
I think I just may do that!!
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Old 02-02-2012, 05:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Tried to have a talk with him. He got defensive and insisted that there is nothing wrong with his wanting to just jump straight to sex. In fact, he tries to claim that every guy is like that and that the problem is me being too needy. I said that every woman is like that and if you go into a long term relationship, you will have to deal with the fact that we are not wired to just have you ready to stick your p**is in when you say so. He told me that I'm the only woman that he's ever met that has all these needs. What am I to do with a guy like that who's never had to work for sex on a consistent basis in his life? He's never masturbated since we've been together and I told him I don't want him to because I'm always willing for him. He says because of that, he wants to be able to "just get it" so he doesn't have to jerk off. He says "that's why guys jerk off because they want to be lazy and get off without making a huge ordeal out of it." I trust he's not BS-ing me, but the concept in itself is BS. He told me that "maybe we're just not sexually compatible" I have been crying for hours all day and night because we both had agreed that if the sex is not working the relationship will eventually stop working. I am sure that this is fixable and I refuse to just believe that we're not sexually compatible. Am I "crazy" as he puts it, to think that he is just being plain stubborn and thick-headed?

I tried to tell him that even though he has no complaints and the sex "feels amazing" to him everytime, that I am just trying to make the sex better for both of us by having this discussion and trying to figure out a happy medium. He says that my idea of happy medium is that I get romance everytime and that he only gets to go straight to sex when I (meaning me, Shauna) feel like it. It was so frustrating because I kept telling him that I don't mind "just f**king" SOMETIMES. He tried to claim that it's been forever since I "let" him just put it in without any effort. I told him that it's because I dragged out of him what I felt I needed to get me ready. I tried to make the point that what I mean more specifically is when he walks in the door, thrusts his pelvis and says, "let's have sex" or his walking into the room, taking off his pants, and saying "let's go" while he's playing with himself all fits into the category of "getting right to it". What ever little thing he does afterwards to get me going (at my request) is soured because I'm already annoyed with the way he approached it. How is that a difficult concept to grasp? And he has the nerve to tell me that it's all my own problem and that I'm the only woman who needs to get my engine revved up before sex?

He said that I'm supposed to be attracted to him and that I shouldn't have to be coaxed into it. I told him that I always think he's the most handsome, beautiful, sexy man, but just because I'm attracted to him and love him doesn't mean that I can get turned on in a snap. I also said that just because I need a different approach to starting the sex off and need a little bit of help sometimes doesn't mean that I am not attracted by any means. It just means that my body is being fickle or my mind isn't in it yet. That happens to women!! I don't know why it seems so absurd that he just can't slap his d**k on my thigh or face to get me turned on and ready to go! He kept asking me what is the solution because he wanted to just be done with it, that he never wanted to talk about it in the first place. I told him everytime he asked was for him to tone down the amount of times he approaches sex [gave him examples] that way and if he must, at least not make it so consistent (like this week: 3 times in a row he's "enticed" me in that stupid way). He replied with, "Look, how about when you want to have sex you just let me know and when I want sex I'll make damn sure that I don't approach you unless I'm ready to put work into it" I didn't like that because I know that it won't work for HIM. I know he enjoys "just sex" with me as much as making love and I didn't want to take that away from him. I told him this and he kept angrily insisting, "It doesn't matter if you don't like it, that's the way it's going to be!" Thinking about him saying that makes me burst into tears right now. I'm trying so hard to make the sex work for both of us but he's just doesn't want to cooperate.

After I had been crying all day, he was being very sweet to me like everything was back to normal. He sent me a text while I was going to work, "Please try to forget about earlier. Have a good night at work. See you when you get home. I LOVE YOU!!" Then when I came home, he tried to sit close to me on the couch and gave me random kisses... like usual. But I just felt so angry inside that my face felt numb when he'd kiss me and I just wanted to shrink up into a ball when he sat close to me. I couldn't bring anything up to him because his sister lives with us and she was watching TV in the same room. She's always been such a good friend/sister to me so I didn't want her to see us arguing after she'd been exposed to it all day earlier.

Finally, when we went to bed to go to sleep, I burst into tears again and I was so angry, so frustrated, so disappointed in him, I kept poking him in the back with my fingers and basically wouldn't let him fall asleep and pissed him off. After tons of back and forth comments from 3am to 5am (my comments to the effect of "I was snotty to you when I came home from work because of the way you acted earlier. You'd be able to sleep right now if you'd only worked it out with me in a constructive way) he finally said, "Ok, don't worry. I promise we'll talk in the morning. Just please do yourself a favor and get some rest so that you're not exhausted the rest of this week. I need to sleep too. We'll talk tomorrow"

Well, there we have it folks. A promise to work things out. I'm nervous. I don't want this to break out into another argument. Anyone have any advice before I try to tackle this issue again? I'd appreciate some insight. Thank you <3

Last edited by Shauna; 02-02-2012 at 05:26 AM.
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Old 02-02-2012, 09:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Shauna ~

In your first post, you mention that you are engaged. How far along is the wedding planning?

Because to be honest with you, I would suggest holding off on a wedding for awhile. Your fiance is hearing what you are saying, but he's choosing not to do anything about it. And that's not the kind of person that you want to be married to - especially if you know his attitude about these things going in.

Please don't feel inadequate about your sexuality or your needs for more affection and attention to get in the mood for sex. For many women, just having it thrown in their face is not likely to do it for them - and especially as you move through into a longer term relationship. He is asking you to satisfy his needs without looking to also satisfy yours. There needs to be a balance between you.

You are very, very normal. As a woman, you simply do not have the same mix of hormones in your body that allow your fiance to be able to be spontaneously horny all the time. He needs to learn that a woman's sexuality may be very different than a man's is, and that desire in the woman is something that he has to actively help create and nurture.

Each of us is very different, and part of the beauty of a relationship is to be able to explore those differences and come to a learning and understanding about them, and through that, to grow as an individual and in our relationship.

Best wishes.
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Ignoring Shauna's last post for a second--because that's got it's own whole set of issues--I think SunnyT's suggestion is a good one. Start being the aggressor, show him by example the kinds of things you'd like him to do both sexually and emotionally. Surprise him. Show up to his job wearing a trenchcoat, merry widow and a pudding pop. Handcuff him to the bed. Talk to him you imagine you'd want him to talk to you. Science has shown that during sex and romance people tend to do things to their partners that they'd like done to them.

Clearly he's uncomfortable with this for some reason. Eventually you'll need to figure out what that is and address it. Maybe he sees it as a sign of weakness, but maybe he's afraid he'll botch this romance thing so bad that he'll embarrass himself. And he might.

If he reads, throw him some trashy romance novels. It sounds like part of your fantasy is the heroic ideal in these books. If you read them yourself, read out loud some of the spicier scenes to him to give him a better example of what you think a scene with him should feel like.

One last thing: There's this computer board game called "Bliss" (It's available for the PC, but it's expensive, and there is a free demo-version for the iPad that I recommend). Ostensibly is about sex, but it's really about intimacy and allowing both the husband and wife the freedom to explore some things that they might be embarrassed about in the structure of "it's only a game." Your boyfriend might benefit from understanding what you want from him when it's outside of the context of a fight.
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:13 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow, an intimacy post that a "certain" poster can't blame on porn. Maybe, as was alluded to by Dr. Rockstar, he is uncomfortable with the idea. Especially never having to do it before, maybe he doesn't know how. And at 30, you're talking about a grown man that will need some convincing to prove that his way is not the right way. Blame the ones before you that allowed this travesty to go on for so long. A person will only going doing something if they think its right AND it works in their favor. So tie his ass up and 69 his world. You might blow his mind with sensory overload though. lol
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Do NOT get married until you work this out or else you will be in the "Considering Divorce or Separation" forum soon.
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