Words that douse the fire.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Words that douse the fire.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-31-2012, 10:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Words that douse the fire.

DW and I have really made great strides this year in our communication and frequency of lovemaking. We still have plenty of room for improvement though.

There are 2 things that she has said in the past, either in the lead up to sex or during sex, that really bother me. One is her saying "really?" either to my suggestion to doing something different or just suggesting sex. Now it's also in the way it's said and her saying it doesn't always mean no. The other is usually while we are in the middle of things and she'll say "what are you doing?". Now this is usually in response to me changing our position or as I start to perform oral on her. Sometimes in my head I want to reply "trying to pleasure you" lol.

I've brought these two statements up to her, however I don't think she realizes how much they bother me sometimes. I feel like me asking her if she's up for a romp shouldn't warrant a "really?" because I'm asking. I'd prefer no or even better an enthusiastic yes. I think at times it's her way of not having to answer.

As for the "what are you doing?", she doesn't suggest much in the bedroom which is fine. However I then don't like being questioned about ever move I make.

Now I don't here these comments very often because of the better place we're at, but when I do it just kills my mood and desire. Many times I try to move past and not let it bother me but sometimes it puts the brakes on all activity "down there".

I guess I'm curious if anyone else has dealt with something similar. Wondering if there is a better way to get this across to my wife or if it's an issue that I need to deal with myself?
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

Sometimes during sex, I try to manhandle my wife a little bit, nothing rough, just trying to get her from one position to another, but it seems to upset her and she snaps that I need to communicate (verbally) with what I want. In my mind, however, I just want to take charge and move her how I want her, but, unfortunately, this doesn't work for her.

In my mind, it kills the spontaneity a bit...

1. Ummm, sweety, ok, now I would like to transition to doggystyle, but, first, I would like 90 seconds of fellatio.

2. Ok, that doggystyle was fun but now I want you to ride me cowgirl.

3. Lover, I appreciate that you are riding me, but now I am going to flip you on your back so I can work missionary for a little while.

4. Hmmm...the missionary wasn't bad but now I am going to pin your legs around your head and really **** you hard.

5. Sweety, now I am going to pull out and ejaculate in your face (although I know you won't give me a chance because you hate sticky things and that you will manage to get my penis in your mouth before I ejaculate, thus saving you from the sticky mess but, in doing so, denying me the visual of having just given you a facial).

Of course, I don't really say all of the above, and, although it sometimes creates a conflict, I just do it...some things are better left unsaid.

Also, a mood killer is sometimes she will look at the clock or even ask me "How much longer before you cum?" How am I supposed to answer that? "2 minutes and 43 seconds if you will just stop talking and keep sucking while giving me more mouth than hand." Of course, I just say, "I'm almost there, just a little longer."

Last edited by SecondTimesTheCharm; 01-31-2012 at 11:17 AM.
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

I think you should definately keep trying to explain this to her. I'm guilty of looking at the clock and saying something dumb like "really" only because it's late and I'm tired. I don't say no however I am trying to get through to him that while I love sex I also NEED sleep. LOL I'm thinking if he wanted sex he could at least give me a heads up so we can go to bed early because I truly do NOT want to stay up till midnight on a school night (I've got 3 young kids).

On the comments about switching things up she needs to just shut up. Those things are better left unsaid. If she needs to tell you something she needs to find another time for that conversation not DURING sex. Come up with an agreement on that.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

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Originally Posted by cruiser View Post
The other is usually while we are in the middle of things and she'll say "what are you doing?". Now this is usually in response to me changing our position or as I start to perform oral on her. Sometimes in my head I want to reply "trying to pleasure you" lol.
When I read this, I wonder why that is just in your head. Why not tell her that? Depending on the level of passion at the moment, maybe you are even more explicit like telling her how hungry you are for her, or something a little more creative that fits the mood of your love making?

I'm not a Dr. but it seems to me that you see the "What are you doing?" as being something that may come from a mother or authority figure who wants you to correct yourself. I might see that when it comes from an authority figure. Coming from my wife, usually, I just give a straight, or sometimes creative answer to questions like that. I've heard that question from her in sex in the early years of our marriage, and I responded to it much like I said above. Now, if she really doesn't want me to do something, she'll give me a definite "no" or she'll suggest something else ... But keep in mind I'm coming from a very different perspective since we do not have the background of intimacy problems, and she doesn't say "no" or give alternatives very often.

Just my thoughts.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

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DW and I have really made great strides this year in our communication and frequency of lovemaking. We still have plenty of room for improvement though.

The other is usually while we are in the middle of things and she'll say "what are you doing?". Now this is usually in response to me changing our position or as I start to perform oral on her. Sometimes in my head I want to reply "trying to pleasure you" lol.
I'm sorry if I'm completely off base here, because you're the one there in the moment hearing her tone of voice, but are you sure the "what are you doing" is said in a negative tone?
I've discovered just recently that I like to hear my husband tell me what he's going to do to me. It's such a turn on for me. So I ask him quite often "what are you doing" as he's moving from one thing to another, and he tells me, in detail, exactly what he's about to do. Drives me CRAZY!

Try it, see what happens. Maybe it'll have the same effect on her.
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

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Originally Posted by SecondTimesTheCharm View Post
Also, a mood killer is sometimes she will look at the clock or even ask me "How much longer before you cum?" How am I supposed to answer that? "2 minutes and 43 seconds if you will just stop talking and keep sucking while giving me more mouth than hand."
That is a perfect answer. Agree and amplify for the win.
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Old 01-31-2012, 02:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

The biggest mood-killer for me isn't in the bedroom itself necessarily, but when I suggest something different, like, say--Oh, I don't know, taking our socks off first--and she'll say, "That's not something that particularly interests me, but if it's something you'd like, I will... for you."

We've had LONG discussions about that, and I get where it's coming from, but it just sounds so condescending to me. It just deflates me.
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Old 01-31-2012, 05:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

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I think you should definately keep trying to explain this to her. I'm guilty of looking at the clock and saying something dumb like "really" only because it's late and I'm tired. I don't say no however I am trying to get through to him that while I love sex I also NEED sleep. LOL I'm thinking if he wanted sex he could at least give me a heads up so we can go to bed early because I truly do NOT want to stay up till midnight on a school night (I've got 3 young kids).

On the comments about switching things up she needs to just shut up. Those things are better left unsaid. If she needs to tell you something she needs to find another time for that conversation not DURING sex. Come up with an agreement on that.
I would take sex over sleep any day..
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Old 01-31-2012, 05:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I would take sex over sleep any day..
<smiling> I agree. As I get older though (menopause) the fatigue is unbearable so preferably I'd like sleep AND sex. Is that too much to ask?
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Old 01-31-2012, 05:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

People who always do the same thing over and over to piss you off when they know it pisses you off are doing it to piss you off. Oh they call it 'my obsession' or 'I'm anxious' but that's all bullsh^t. Even if it is some kind of anxiety disorder they're doing it TO YOU in order to feel good. They're doing it to get their way.
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Old 01-31-2012, 07:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

It's definitely the tone it's like when she says "what are you doing?" it's like I just wiped a booger on her. And the "really?" comment frustrates me because if I'm expected to initiate then when I do please don't question me, as a yes or no is preferred.
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Old 01-31-2012, 09:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

The words that doused the fire the best were "Oooh, Andy" while in the throes of passion. My name isn't anywhere near 'Andy'.
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Words that douse the fire.

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Now I don't here these comments very often because of the better place we're at, but when I do it just kills my mood and desire. Many times I try to move past and not let it bother me but sometimes it puts the brakes on all activity "down there".

I guess I'm curious if anyone else has dealt with something similar. Wondering if there is a better way to get this across to my wife or if it's an issue that I need to deal with myself?
So, you mention you don't hear these comments as much as you used to because your relationship is in a better place. So, perhaps when they do happen and you start to hear them, you need to evaluate whether you and/or she are starting to let some more negative elements back into your relationship and head them off at the pass.

I think you should handle them like any other 'fitness' test. Be calm, confident, self-assured. If she doesn't respond and keeps being sniping about things, then you can disengage and simply get out of bed and get dressed. When you speak about it, be cool and collected, and simply let her know that her words and tone of voice are disrespectful to you and to the work and effort you both are putting in to your relationship, and if she has concerns or issues about what you are doing she should in turn tell you in a respectful way or simply show you what she would like you to do.

Best wishes.
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