Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Background is that frequency of sex has always been an issue for my wife and I. We've been married 11 years. I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Same problem a lot of couples have. That changed somewhat when she became pregnant with our last child who is now 9 months old. Her desire really went up during the pregnancy and seems to still be higher than it was. That part seems great.
Here is the wrench in the whole thing. She started cheating on me 5 months into the pregnancy and continued until just 4 months ago when I found out about it. She stopped the affair after I took steps to end it. I insisted that she quit her job since the AP was a coworker. She is now home with our two children (the older one is 4).
She was very sexually attracted to this guy and pursued him on a regular basis. I know this from my own investigation into emails and such while I was digging for evidence of the affair. Now, she tells me that she loves me, but is not sexually attracted to me. So not only am I dealing with the pain of my wife having an affair with another man, I am also struggling with the rejection of me as her husband in the sex department. I wish I could describe the intense pain that this is causing me.
I know the normal advice is to do the man up stuff. I have read several good books on this including Athol's book, the married man sexual primer. I've read no more mr nice guy, and while I think I am a nice guy, I'm not all THAT nice. The problem is that I can't bring myself to do those things while I am hurting so bad. I need to feel loved and not cast aside as a sex partner. I need the attention that she so willingly piled onto her AP.
She is back in the marriage, we are in MC, and my wife wants to do the things that the counselor suggests like doing more things together and talking to one another and all that. All that stuff sounds great, but it almost feels degrading to me. It's like I need to be unbroken first. And that means I need loving sex from my wife. I need the egg before the chicken. Does that make sense?
What do I do? What do I ask for from my wife so she understands? Or do I just suffer silently and do the married man sex stuff? Suffering silently is soooooooo painful that I just can't show enthusiasm for the other stuff.
It makes total sense. And I completely understand where your coming from. I dont' think there is a good answer to this, other than to say - you probably need to print off a copy of your post and simply hand it to your wife. At this point, I think it is her resonsibility to know what she has done to you... and to know where your head is at.
I also think it's healthy if she knows that she may have damaged/destroyed this relationship beyond repair and face the concept that it may not be recoverable. The onus is on HER to regain YOUR attraction and loyalty. I think I personally, would work from that angle.
Sounds like the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. Take a look here:Married Man Sex Life then get a copy of the Married Man Sex Life Primer and read it NOW!!
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The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
Sounds like the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. Take a look here:Married Man Sex Life then get a copy of the Married Man Sex Life Primer and read it NOW!!
I understand your reasoning. You want enthusiastic sex from your wife, but you don't want to create the attraction necessary for her to be enthusiastic. That's understandable. You're a broken man who needs time to heal.
If you think that one or two sexual encounters could get you over the hump, then tell your wife how you feel. She can probably fake enthusiasm once or twice. If you require more than two sessions, then you need to figure it out on your own.
As eagleclaw suggested, if you think you can put the burden for sex on your wife, try that. However, since women are generally sexually responsive to men, I don't know if it would work.
Also, I suggest you test the paternity of your youngest child.
As eagleclaw suggested, if you think you can put the burden for sex on your wife, try that. However, since women are generally sexually responsive to men, I don't know if it would work.
I agree, I don't think that would work either.
Maybe I just need to step away from it all and do whatever the hell I want for awhile.
She was very sexually attracted to this guy and pursued him on a regular basis. I know this from my own investigation into emails and such while I was digging for evidence of the affair. Now, she tells me that she loves me, but is not sexually attracted to me. So not only am I dealing with the pain of my wife having an affair with another man, I am also struggling with the rejection of me as her husband in the sex department. I wish I could describe the intense pain that this is causing me.
What do I do? What do I ask for from my wife so she understands? Or do I just suffer silently and do the married man sex stuff? Suffering silently is soooooooo painful that I just can't show enthusiasm for the other stuff.
TheGoodFight- Your wife says that she really likes you paying her bills and giving her a place to sleep, er, sorry, she says that she loves you, but she's not sexually attracted to you.
Why don't you try telling her that you want to have sex with her regularly, but that you don't really want her around all the other times, and she needs to go pay her own bills? Explain to her that this is only a temporary arrangement, until you find a woman you like to have sex with and want around you all the time, at which point you will bravely face a life without your current wife's "love."
Lordmayhem likes to post a chart listing the differences between remorse and rug sweeping. If your wife is still saying "I would bark like a dog for my AP, but sex with you is icky," she is not truly remorseful about her affair. If she doesn't know this is a big deal to you, after what she has done, she doesn't respect you enough to listen to you. If she DOES know this is a big deal to you, and still maintains her "sex with you is icky" stance, she flat out doesn't give a damn about you, other than that gee, it sure is nice to have you pay her bills.
Guys like to focus on what their wives say, and ignore what they DO. But your wife isn't actually trying to pull a fast one here, you're just not-wanting to see or hear what she is saying.
What is she DOING? She's not-having lots of sex with you. What is she SAYING? Oh, wait. She's saying she doesn't find you sexually attractive. But she did find this OTHER guy sexually attractive, so it's not a question of low sex drive. She just has low sex drive with you.
The affair is 100% on her. Keeping her after the affair is 100% on you.
What do you do? What do you ask for from your wife so she understands?
How about a divorce? That at least lets her know you are serious. And, this may come as a surprise to you, but the threat of losing their meal ticket scares some women. It makes them desperate. It might even make her fake finding you desirable for awhile, and then you would get the sex you want.
TheGoodFight- Your wife says that she really likes you paying her bills and giving her a place to sleep, er, sorry, she says that she loves you, but she's not sexually attracted to you.
Why don't you try telling her that you want to have sex with her regularly, but that you don't really want her around all the other times, and she needs to go pay her own bills? Explain to her that this is only a temporary arrangement, until you find a woman you like to have sex with and want around you all the time, at which point you will bravely face a life without your current wife's "love."
Lordmayhem likes to post a chart listing the differences between remorse and rug sweeping. If your wife is still saying "I would bark like a dog for my AP, but sex with you is icky," she is not truly remorseful about her affair. If she doesn't know this is a big deal to you, after what she has done, she doesn't respect you enough to listen to you. If she DOES know this is a big deal to you, and still maintains her "sex with you is icky" stance, she flat out doesn't give a damn about you, other than that gee, it sure is nice to have you pay her bills.
Guys like to focus on what their wives say, and ignore what they DO. But your wife isn't actually trying to pull a fast one here, you're just not-wanting to see or hear what she is saying.
What is she DOING? She's not-having lots of sex with you. What is she SAYING? Oh, wait. She's saying she doesn't find you sexually attractive. But she did find this OTHER guy sexually attractive, so it's not a question of low sex drive. She just has low sex drive with you.
The affair is 100% on her. Keeping her after the affair is 100% on you.
What do you do? What do you ask for from your wife so she understands?
How about a divorce? That at least lets her know you are serious. And, this may come as a surprise to you, but the threat of losing their meal ticket scares some women. It makes them desperate. It might even make her fake finding you desirable for awhile, and then you would get the sex you want.
Pretty well put. It might also give her some respect back for you and start you on the right path to becoming attractive to her again. Be mysterious, be engaging, be unpredictable, and don't get complacent. Go out, do things, let her wonder what your up to. If she doesn't care or wonder, your already done.
Is she willing to have sex if you initiate, or is she still rejecting a large number of your advances?
I've only tried to directly initiate twice in the last two months. I was turned down both times. We have had sex though and I'm sure I wouldn't be turned down a whole lot but who wants to have sex with someone who says they don't want it from you?
I've only tried to directly initiate twice in the last two months. I was turned down both times. We have had sex though and I'm sure I wouldn't be turned down a whole lot but who wants to have sex with someone who says they don't want it from you?
In a normal "non-cheating" scenario, being more aggressive can be attractive to a woman. Women are less likely to initiate themselves. Pursuing her, in the form of flirting, initiating, etc., can up your attractiveness as she sees a sexual man.
But as a WW, she needs to up her game. If she is not willing to do that, I suspect the other posters have it right - she is not fully remorseful. May not be conscious, but she seems to be trying to do the least she can to keep you around.
TheGoodFight- Your wife says that she really likes you paying her bills and giving her a place to sleep, er, sorry, she says that she loves you, but she's not sexually attracted to you.
Why don't you try telling her that you want to have sex with her regularly, but that you don't really want her around all the other times, and she needs to go pay her own bills? Explain to her that this is only a temporary arrangement, until you find a woman you like to have sex with and want around you all the time, at which point you will bravely face a life without your current wife's "love."
Lordmayhem likes to post a chart listing the differences between remorse and rug sweeping. If your wife is still saying "I would bark like a dog for my AP, but sex with you is icky," she is not truly remorseful about her affair. If she doesn't know this is a big deal to you, after what she has done, she doesn't respect you enough to listen to you. If she DOES know this is a big deal to you, and still maintains her "sex with you is icky" stance, she flat out doesn't give a damn about you, other than that gee, it sure is nice to have you pay her bills.
Guys like to focus on what their wives say, and ignore what they DO. But your wife isn't actually trying to pull a fast one here, you're just not-wanting to see or hear what she is saying.
What is she DOING? She's not-having lots of sex with you. What is she SAYING? Oh, wait. She's saying she doesn't find you sexually attractive. But she did find this OTHER guy sexually attractive, so it's not a question of low sex drive. She just has low sex drive with you.
The affair is 100% on her. Keeping her after the affair is 100% on you.
What do you do? What do you ask for from your wife so she understands?
How about a divorce? That at least lets her know you are serious. And, this may come as a surprise to you, but the threat of losing their meal ticket scares some women. It makes them desperate. It might even make her fake finding you desirable for awhile, and then you would get the sex you want.
I get what you're saying and I don't lack anger on the subject. I'm currently her meal ticket at my own request. She is living at home because I told her to quit the affair and quit the job or get divorced.
It's not a lack of remorse at this point. It's a lack of attraction. The reality is that not every spouse that has an affair comes running back with the "Please don't leave me I'll do whatever you want and become your sex slave forever" attitude.
I get what you're saying. It's a difference between what would be the ideal and what is the reality. And the reality is that I have a remorseful spouse that is honest when she says she doesn't have those feelings of burning desire for me and doesn't know why. I really think that she wishes she did.
I get what you're saying and I don't lack anger on the subject. I'm currently her meal ticket at my own request. She is living at home because I told her to quit the affair and quit the job or get divorced.
It's not a lack of remorse at this point. It's a lack of attraction. The reality is that not every spouse that has an affair comes running back with the "Please don't leave me I'll do whatever you want and become your sex slave forever" attitude.
I get what you're saying. It's a difference between what would be the ideal and what is the reality. And the reality is that I have a remorseful spouse that is honest when she says she doesn't have those feelings of burning desire for me and doesn't know why. I really think that she wishes she did.
So can you live with this? Assuming nothing changes (and it likely won't), can you live with the fact that she "loves" you but is not "in love with you". Because at the end of the day, that it was this really is.
I think she is trying to hurt you back for ending her affair and for making her leave her affair enabling job. This may be subconscious on her part, but I think that is why she's nt putting effort into finding you attractive.
attraction isnt something you can turn on or off in an instant, however it s something you can work on building. Her deciding to seek out seeing the good in you, the attractive qualities in you etc is how she can build it in herself. But she isn't and she is fighting doing so. If she can just keep it up, eventually you'll either live with it, or you'll let her go back to her affair.
She does not seem like she is interested in fixing the relationship. Instead she wants to do the minimum she can to put her cheating behind and no longer have it be what she is guilty of. But,she is only trying to return to the pre guilty status quo, where what you are looking for is a new better marriage.
Bottom line is, if she isn't going to join in to buid a new different marriage, then perhaps divorce will be the best option. She needs to understand that divorce is still on the table here. Her affair ended the old marriage. It's gone. The relationship the two of you had will never be the same. She will always be the one who eagerly cheated.
The question now is if she is willing to be part ofa new different marriage where the dynamic has changed, and where you have expectations that she will put effort into improving sex. Posted via Mobile Device
Are you sure the kid is yours? She could've just thrown off the timeline. You say it started 4 months into her pregnancy. Would the average guy be attracted to someone who might already be physically showing pregnancy? Other than my wife, it'd be pretty weird to me. Either way, she cheated on you while pregnant with your (supposed) child. She can't respect you very much. I would just leave if I were you.
19Likes
I want what she gave her AP 
