Cre8ify

If his outlet is his hand you might wonder if he uses fantasy or porn to arouse himself. Both can bend the mind over 16 years and they are so much easier than a real emotional connection to a partner that he would not be the first guy to choose "easy".

isla~mama

If he's not gay, not having an affair, and does masturbate, I guess the only reasonable conclusion is that he prefers porn and fantasy to the reality. I did offer to watch with him, but that didn't lead to anything.

Of course fantasy to arouse myself is basically all I've had for the past 16 years, but I digress. It does bend the mind-- the longer I went without the real thing the stranger and more elaborate my fantasies turned.

Cre8ify

It is the same for me. I am a visual person and my fantasies usually involve "settings" and atmosphere more than anything else. My wife wants to get right to missionary in the master bedroom as soon as everything is ready to go and I can feel the air going out of the balloon. Unfortunately, my fantasies are way better than my reality. Your point about the fantasies becoming more elaborate is what causes me to have to manage this aspect. When the gap between my fantasies and reality becomes too wide, the bent mind... it ends in a dull thud. I remain unsexed most of the time by choice to manage that gap. Ughh, hard to come face to face with but when lady luck finally shines on me I have to be at my best!

Cre8ify

You should know that if he is a porn watcher, his choice has very little to do with the reality that you present. No woman can compete with an endless variety of compliant, beautiful robots doing exactly what is selected in the search box. That probably also becomes more elaborate...

jadedlady

I am also in a sexless marriage to a man who would rather masturbate to porn than have sex. It is an utterly humiliating life and the only reason I have remained as long as I have is because of my three young children. I did notice red flags before we married but attributed them to his hectic work life. I made too many excuses for him and now I filled with so much resentment. I tried the lingerie, initiating, setting up dates, surprising him but when your husband rejects you every time, you begin to give up and lose interest. Of course he blames me but I only initiated daily for five years before giving up. I am in my early 30's and the last time we had sex was in 2009. To anyone in a similar situation you have my sympathies-its a lonely experience to be married to someone who doesn't want you. I just wish I didn't settle before I took the plunge.