Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am a woman in a sexless marriage for 16 years, married in my early 20s. I love my husband and he loves me... but he's never wanted sex. I've tried everything, offered everything, even (after years of desperation) offered kinky things like anal and threesome. I offered him BJs whenever he wanted them. He never wanted them, didn't want anything kinky, just didn't want sex, period. He usually ended up giving me pity sex a few times a year (which turned me off so much) until I gave up completely... more than once we went a couple years not having sex (I stopped trying to initiate about 6 years ago because it was so humiliating).
--AFAIK he does masturbate with regularity (he is secretive about it so I'm not sure)
--he has refused to see a dr to check for low testosterone, refused to see a therapist
--I tried meeting him (more than) halfway by just asking him to hold my hand and put his arm around me in lieu of sex-- he never did
--he says he isn't gay or bi. The only porn I've found him looking at is straight
--he is very transparent about computer/ phone/ email, I also know where his at work all the time (all men in his office except for one woman) so I am as sure as I can be he's not having an affair... also I've told him he can go to another woman if for whatever reason he's not attracted to me, so he would have no reason to hide it anyway (he just gives me a deer in headlights look when I've said this)
--he's never discussed the problem with me in depth. He'll say "we do have sex" (true, a handful of times a year) and expects me to drop the issue, since, if we "do have sex" what am I complaining about?
--I am not obese or ugly... I've made a real effort not to gain weight over the years in the hope that he might one day be more sexual with me (genuinely wanting it, not just pity sex). I weigh only 5 pounds more than when we got married, and I was slightly underweight then. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and sounds sincere when he says it.
So why am I here if I've given up? Well this new years he declared to me that he'd made a resolution to try to make amends with everyone in his life, including me. He apologized for the lack of sex, though he never went into WHY he never wanted sex, and began asking for sex when he was home. I told him not to do this for me (since I gave up so long ago) but if he is sexually frustrated or really wanted it (i.e., if it's not pity sex) then I am more than happy to accommodate him. I get the deer in headlights look at that point, or he rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, if *I* want it," or, "Yeah that's me, sexually frustrated." He has not done or said anything to me to indicate that he really desires me-- just that he's willing to cough up pity sex more frequently for my sake, which is a huge turn off for me. I would rather not have sex at all, than be given pity sex.
After all these years I have built up tremendous sadness and resentment over the sex issue. I've also become averse to his touch-- the few times he does touch me, I cringe. Let me be clear, though, that if he really wanted/ needed sex I would give it to him, since I know how devastating it is to be a refused spouse. But I no longer desire him because I learned to turn off those feelings a long time ago.
However, now he's starting to frame our lack of sex as ME refusing! He takes my, "Don't do it for my sake, but if you need it, I want to," as a "no." I'm starting to feel like I've been rope-a-doped, that he can now foist 16 years of sexlessness on me because I'm not eagerly dragging him to the bedroom when he announces that now-- after nearly two decades-- he's willing to make an effort.
When we do have sex it is awkward and mechanical-- he's clearly not into it, in a deep way-- and yes I tried everything, for years, to try to entice him. Nothing worked.
Our relationship is good in every other way and neither of us wants a divorce.
I should also add-- I don't have a problem with him looking at porn (but I'm not sure if he does anymore) and have even offered to watch it with him (he said no).
And, my main question (which I forgot to ask) is: should I take him up on the pity sex offers, in the hopes that it might lead to something genuine? I am afraid of being hurt even more-- say I take him up on the offer, only to have him "disappear" again and then I have to get used to being sexless all over again?
Well this new years he declared to me that he'd made a resolution to try to make amends with everyone in his life, including me. He apologized for the lack of sex, though he never went into WHY he never wanted sex, and began asking for sex when he was home. I told him not to do this for me (since I gave up so long ago) but if he is sexually frustrated or really wanted it (i.e., if it's not pity sex) then I am more than happy to accommodate him. I get the deer in headlights look at that point, or he rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, if *I* want it," or, "Yeah that's me, sexually frustrated." He has not done or said anything to me to indicate that he really desires me-- just that he's willing to cough up pity sex more frequently for my sake, which is a huge turn off for me. I would rather not have sex at all, than be given pity sex.
Maybe he's trying to make amends and do better by you? Why not give him a chance instead of assuming he's doing it out of pity? I think it's a mistake to come off so antagonistic to him right off the bat.
I feel your pain. My husband rejects me as well and I know all about the anger and pain rejection brings but if my husband was willing to work with me I'd be into giving it a shot but he pretty much tells me that he's the way he is and isn't going to change. Your husband seems to be trying to change. Don't shoot him down for that.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
He has his own computer and uses it-- in plain view of everyone-- for work. But he is fine with my using it, if I wanted to. I have never sensed he is hiding anything from me concerning his communication-- phone, internet, email.
I also know that suddenly wanting sex after not wanting it can be a sign of an affair. He's also taking more interest in his appearance (another sign).
But as I've said, I did offer him to go to another woman if he was really not attracted to me, so why would he hide it. I don't want an open relationship but would consider it if that's what he "needed."
Maybe he's trying to make amends and do better by you? Why not give him a chance instead of assuming he's doing it out of pity? I think it's a mistake to come off so antagonistic to him right off the bat.
I feel your pain. My husband rejects me as well and I know all about the anger and pain rejection brings but if my husband was willing to work with me I'd be into giving it a shot but he pretty much tells me that he's the way he is and isn't going to change. Your husband seems to be trying to change. Don't shoot him down for that.
Then why is he rolling his eyes and scoffing at me when I say I only want to do it if he genuinely wants it? Shouldn't it be easy enough for him to say-- yes! I want it! Get those clothes off baby!
But he just scoffs and says sarcastically, "Oh, if *I* want it." and then starts talking about something else.
I am afraid of being hurt even more-- say I take him up on the offer, only to have him "disappear" again and then I have to get used to being sexless all over again?
A genuine concern because that's what happened to me. 3 years ago, my husband approached me and suggested that we "start fresh" and I went forward with him on this. For about two years things did indeed get better. We had great sex and then it all blew up and became even worse. You have a legitimate fear.
I will admit that it's worse to have it all dry up and be back to nothing.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
Then why is he rolling his eyes and scoffing at me when I say I only want to do it if he genuinely wants it? Shouldn't it be easy enough for him to say-- yes! I want it! Get those clothes off baby!
But he just scoffs and says sarcastically, "Oh, if *I* want it." and then starts talking about something else.
Hmmm..I wonder what his game is? Certainly sounds like he's playing one but maybe he's the type who can't express himself well.
Hey, you are talking to the ultimate pessimist/cynic here.
I'm in a similar situation in that I don't want to divorce my husband. There's a lot about him that I like but we are separated now and I see the only "fix" is for us to be friends. I was hoping that would be "with benefits" but that's up to him. I'm no longer chasing, pleading, cajoling, etc.
It gets to a point where you are just tired of being shot down, of having your pride stepped on repeatedly.
Plus, having sex with someone who isn't into it, who doesn't talk to you or touch you or just LUST after you is pretty demeaning and sad, isn't it?
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
I've tried to explain to my husband how being sexually rejected cuts right to the bone. It undermines your self esteem, you sense of self worth and respect. It really hurts.
Plus, if you genuinely have NEEDS...it's terribly frustrating.
I don't want to NOT be sexual. Once upon a time I did turn myself off and become angry and embittered. I don't want to be that person again. Not sure how to "fix" it.
I do know that there are lots of interesting sex toys out there that I'll be treating myself to on Valentine's Day.
My husband has rejected me on a lot of issues and I've gotten used to being alone, doing things for myself..so I guess this is just another thing on my long list.
Some say to go and find a boyfriend. That's not my way but I often find myself wondering just how much loyalty I have left in me should the *right* guy come along. So far that hasn't happened. I kept hoping that my husband WAS the right guy but he seems so determined to keep pushing me away.
You get pushed away enough then you turn and walk away. I can tell he's scared of this. He keeps saying how much I mean to him. He says that's it's not me, it's him and that there are other aspects to our marriage that mean should outweigh the sex. What he says has merit but IMO a HUGE aspect of marriage is the sexual part. To me, it's all several parts of one whole. If pieces go missing then there's a problem that needs fixing.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
He has his own computer and uses it-- in plain view of everyone-- for work. But he is fine with my using it, if I wanted to. I have never sensed he is hiding anything from me concerning his communication-- phone, internet, email.
Well, to be truthful, it’s so easy to on things right in clear view that he could be doing things like using craigslist to hook up and you might never notice. Do he ever seem to close/change windows quickly when you enter a room? Do you have the passwords to all of his online accounts?
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Originally Posted by isla~mama
I also know that suddenly wanting sex after not wanting it can be a sign of an affair. He's also taking more interest in his appearance (another sign). .
Yes it could be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by isla~mama
But as I've said, I did offer him to go to another woman if he was really not attracted to me, so why would he hide it. I don't want an open relationship but would consider it if that's what he "needed." .
He might not tell you because he’s afraid that no matter what you say you would be very unhappy about it.
I don’t understand why you would do this? Why would you agree that he can have a girl friend when he has so clearly refused sex with you for years? Don’t you want a life with someone who loves you sexually as well? Why do you put his happiness at so high a level that you are willing to let him disrespect you?
It seems that you think this is a loving attitude. It is not a loving attitude.
Quote:
Originally Posted by isla~mama
He just doesn't seem to want, or enjoy sex.
How much time a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things? Do you go places? Have dates? Have long conversations?
I only brought up the "other woman" offer after years of desperation and frustration. I guess I was just feeling in the dark to try to understand what on earth he wants or needs, sexually. But he acted shocked and surprised that I would even be thinking along those lines. I don't see it as a loving attitude... but as a desperate, confused attitude.
He doesn't act squirrely at all on the computer... no quickly closed windows or anything like that. I do WOH part time, he is the main breadwinner though.
Around the time I gave up trying to initiate sex I also gave up trying to connect/ converse/ go on "dates" with him... so we have been living as friendly, polite roommates for quite a while now. But we really do love each other, I'm always so happy when he comes home and he loves me too... at least he claims to! We've built a nice life together, beautiful home and lovely children (we are very fertile apparently-- 2 of our kids were conceived with no sex in between).
I've tried to explain to my husband how being sexually rejected cuts right to the bone. It undermines your self esteem, you sense of self worth and respect. It really hurts.
Plus, if you genuinely have NEEDS...it's terribly frustrating.
I don't want to NOT be sexual. Once upon a time I did turn myself off and become angry and embittered. I don't want to be that person again. Not sure how to "fix" it.
I do know that there are lots of interesting sex toys out there that I'll be treating myself to on Valentine's Day.
My husband has rejected me on a lot of issues and I've gotten used to being alone, doing things for myself..so I guess this is just another thing on my long list.
Some say to go and find a boyfriend. That's not my way but I often find myself wondering just how much loyalty I have left in me should the *right* guy come along. So far that hasn't happened. I kept hoping that my husband WAS the right guy but he seems so determined to keep pushing me away.
You get pushed away enough then you turn and walk away. I can tell he's scared of this. He keeps saying how much I mean to him. He says that's it's not me, it's him and that there are other aspects to our marriage that mean should outweigh the sex. What he says has merit but IMO a HUGE aspect of marriage is the sexual part. To me, it's all several parts of one whole. If pieces go missing then there's a problem that needs fixing.
I am so sorry you've gone through this too. I also wonder how much loyalty I have left if the right guy came along. I get flirted with left and right but it just gives me the creeps, doesn't tempt me.
I have quite the collection of sex toys too . Love my wahl!
I'll see your 16 years and raise you to 25. These roles get so rote and mechanical that I don't know that we can break free. I begged for sex for years and suffered through a thousand rejections until it finally struck me numb. When I first sensed pity sex (a concept I had not heard of until I lived it) i was so mad and couldn't sleep for months. I married the wrong woman in this respect and have put an adventurous, tender, caring part of my personality on a shelf. How you can know this at 22 selecting someone to spend your life with, I don't know. I do know that at some point , there is no turning back.
I do not think your husband is having an affair. 16 years? I would have walked a long time ago. Do you have children? I do not know how people put up with this. He should be checked for low testosterone.
I complain about my wife having a low libido. She thinks having sex 4-6 times a month is plenty and thinks I have a problem because I need more.
You may want to speak with a professional about this without your husband and then with your husband. I know we all are creatures of comfort, but you need to make some changes.
Maybe you need to separate for a while, maybe your husband is taking you for granted knowing you will not take a walk. You need to flush this problem out.
16 yrs sexless marriage 
I'll try to make this to the point.
Hmmm..I wonder what his game is? Certainly sounds like he's playing one but maybe he's the type who can't express himself well. 
. Love my wahl!
