Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
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Re: husband dislikes giving (TMI warning)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane
I disagree, respectfully. Making something sound horrible and frightening is a useful tool in making sure people don't want to do it.
I'm not sure how much more energy I have to respond, and you probably notice that I can't be brief .
I think you just described that making sex sound horrible and frightening creates an inhibition. I'm saying that abstinence until marriage can be taught without the fear and negativity, and I think if it is, then it doesn't create inhibitions that many express. I think it is the way it is taught, rather than the practice of abstienence that creates the inhibitions. In this sense, the two are separate issues. I think the OP is not inhibited even though she practiced abstinence.
Problems in bed are just the beginning. You probably are already building up resentment, and this resentment will fester and lead to resentments in other areas of your marriage.
You will never know why your husband is the way he is, but he is obviously very immature.
I literally wore my first wife out the first six months we were married. He should be making it hard for you to walk upright this early on in your marrriage.
If you have been married less than a year, I would consider an anullment. It will be painful to break up with him, but not as painful as a divorce ten years down the road after you have grown to hate him. Do not let it go that far.
I'm not sure how much more energy I have to respond, and you probably notice that I can't be brief .
I think you just described that making sex sound horrible and frightening creates an inhibition. I'm saying that abstinence until marriage can be taught without the fear and negativity, and I think if it is, then it doesn't create inhibitions that many express. I think it is the way it is taught, rather than the practice of abstienence that creates the inhibitions. In this sense, the two are separate issues. I think the OP is not inhibited even though she practiced abstinence.
Do we still disagree?
I think we agree - sort of
Abstinence can be taught via positive messages or via negative messages. If it's taught via positive messages it is probably far less likely to create inhibitions (I would never say "won't cause"). If it's taught via fear and loathing, then inhibitions post-marriage are probably considered to be an acceptable collateral loss.
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Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,860
Re: husband dislikes giving (TMI warning)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane
I think we agree - sort of
Abstinence can be taught via positive messages or via negative messages. If it's taught via positive messages it is probably far less likely to create inhibitions (I would never say "won't cause"). If it's taught via fear and loathing, then inhibitions post-marriage are probably considered to be an acceptable collateral loss.
I think we agree fully.
Edit: The challenges in this thread moved me to call my daughters and discuss how we taught about sex when they were growing up. I'm sure they were thrilled to get a call from their dad to discuss that . I had a good conversation with both of them. I'm pretty happy with what I heard . I'm also pretty happy that they can still talk to me about it even though they're adults.
I disagree, respectfully. Making something sound horrible and frightening is a useful tool in making sure people don't want to do it.
This is why we were shown a graphic birth video; to scare a bunch of impressionable girls out of having sex. I can still remember the nun cackling as some of us vomited, passed out or wept.
Problems in bed are just the beginning. You probably are already building up resentment, and this resentment will fester and lead to resentments in other areas of your marriage.
You will never know why your husband is the way he is, but he is obviously very immature.
I literally wore my first wife out the first six months we were married. He should be making it hard for you to walk upright this early on in your marrriage.
If you have been married less than a year, I would consider an anullment. It will be painful to break up with him, but not as painful as a divorce ten years down the road after you have grown to hate him. Do not let it go that far.
But I don't think it is a fatal flaw in the marriage. They just got started. They have been away from each other more than together. Difficult to work on the sexual part of the relationship with lots of starts and stops.
If they don't develop the tools to communicate about mutual satisfaction in this relationship they won't in the next.
Why not stay and work on it. If, after some time, there is no improvement then consider separating.
Your're not wasting your time. Perfecting this kind of communication will help you in the next relationship, if it should come to that.
I'm in the same boat. H does not like to give, he says he's just not into that. Oral is not something we do often, I'm not very motivated to give many bj's if I haven't been given some oral too! Not sure what it is either, I'm in great shape and am very clean. :-\
I will admit - the very first time (I was 18) - being a bit weirded out. It is somewhat of an acquired taste. But there's really no good reason for a man not to do this.
I will admit - the very first time (I was 18) - being a bit weirded out. It is somewhat of an acquired taste. But there's really no good reason for a man not to do this.
i was 18 also.
i loved it from then on.
never found it weird at all.
only yummy.
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Re: husband dislikes giving (TMI warning) 
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He should be making it hard for you to walk upright this early on in your marrriage.
