rks1

PLEASE ONLY READ THIS IF YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL TECHNIQUE... OTHERWISE, PLEASE DON'T BLAME ME FOR BEING GRAPHIC. THANKS!

Hi guys. I am newly married, though my husband and I are currently long-distance for some time. We spent just over a week together after marriage (in November). Both of us were virgins before marriage, although we both did engage in some sexual activity with one another shortly around the time of our engagement this summer (even that was a first for us, as neither of us had done much more than kiss in prior dating relationships). Although my husband doesn't have an issue with my body in general, he doesn't like the way I look 'down there'. The first time he saw me naked, his response was to make a disgusted face and say 'ewwww'. (I don't think it has anything to do with the way I look, but simply that he'd never seen a girl's genitals before.) I was completely crushed by his callousness, and this was part of the reason why I later avoided his proposals... though we still decided to get married later. When I told him during our engagement how much his reaction had hurt me, his eyes started tearing up and he told me that he loved my body from head to toe and was sorry to make me feel bad by his insensitivity.

So some months later, we get married, and we have our first intercourse. I like being with him, but I don't enjoy it much. In fact, I resent it actually because he only seemed to care about his own pleasure and not mine. He can get off by intercourse within a couple of minutes, but I can't. The only way I can get off is if he gives me oral. However, while my husband loves to have intercourse and doesn't mind touching my nether regions with his fingers, he does not like putting his face there as he thinks it's unhygienic. He says it doesn't smell good and asks me if I wash down there. I tell him of course I wash (I always do, and even rinse the area again before sex), and I don't have any diseases, so I'm perfectly healthy down there. I think all women have some kind of scent... but he's never gone down on anyone before, so he has nothing to compare it to.

It makes me sad though, as he really seems to be disgusted by what he is doing. He will only put the tip of his tongue on my 'cl' instead of using the whole tongue, as I'd like. And he will completely stay away from the 'v'. I have asked him to penetrate me with his tongue, but he just refuses as he thinks it is gross. I've told him that the mouth has so many more strains of bacteria than a 'v' (assuming the woman doesn't have an infection), but he still has this mental block. I wish he would enjoy it more rather than seeming so grossed out. When I see the tortured expression on his face, I feel bad and guilty asking him to do something that he doesn't want to do. It only reduces my enjoyment as well, as I don't want him to give me oral if he hates it. It just makes me not want to have sex with him at all, and just have a night with my toy instead... as the toy doesn't make any unsightly faces at me.

Since we were only together a week after marriage, we've only had sex a handful of times. And considering that we were both virgins before, I'm hopeful that when we get together the sex will only get better and better over time. Although the look of disgust was still there after he gave me oral a few times, it did appear to be less as it seemed he accepted it as part of the process. But from his perspective, I can also understand that it probably isn't fun for him to give me 15 minutes of oral, just so he can get his 2 minutes of intercourse (it frustrates us both that intercourse only lasts about 2-3 minutes for him, but it is what it is. He tried some 'extended duration' condoms and even some herbal supplements but I don't think they helped much).

PBear

I don't mean to be rude, but what's your question? You could try some flavored lubes. But honestly, some guys like giving oral, and some guys don't. Work with him, let him know how good it feels.

As far as his lasting goes, have you tried giving him oral first, and then having intercourse? He should last longer then. Assuming he cares enough about your pleasure to try again.

C
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rks1

I realize I didn't frame my post in the form of a question. I suppose I'm just wanting to know if there is potential for things to get better for us, based on others experiences. Can things really turn around, or are we both doomed to be unsatisfied with our sex life? We are already having other communication problems between us right now, and the fact that our sex life is also terrible... that's just making me worry about the outlook of our marriage. I want to be hopeful, but I don't really know how flexible people are with their sexuality.

shy_guy

These topics are perfect for this board, and I can tell you if anybody thinks you are too explicit, they've never read much of what I have written on here. Don't be self-conscious - that's why people are on here, and that's what they write here.

First of all, sex is new to both of you. Fantastic! It can be a great time of exploring, but it is exploring and learning at this stage. You're just now beginning to learn - neither of you know very much about it, and that's expected. (I've been married 27 years, and I'm still learning, and we still get more and more adventurous).

It took my wife and me until at least 6 months into our marriage before we learned how to make her orgasm. Now, she is very good at it. You can probably imagine that I wasn't a very good lover when we first got married either, so even though she enjoyed being with me, I had to learn a lot as well. I'm on here learning more even now.

It is very unfortunate that he gave you the reaction he did the first time he saw your genitals. I'm sure that hurt you and made you feel insecure. It sounds like he didn't really know what effect that was going to have on you, and it sounds like he is remorseful about that. That's good, and it's good that he is making some effort now. However; judging from his first reaction, he probably has some negative associations in his mind that are giving him some hangups on oral sex right now. Can you talk to him and get an understanding of what he thinks of? If he opens up, then you know what you're working on. It may take a while to get him past those. If it's as simple as worrying about whether or not it is hygeinic or whether or not other men do it, then have a look through the Cunnilingus thread on here, and if you think he is open to it, maybe have him take a look through it. It is filled with real people giving real opinions of what they think of it, and contains posts from men and women both. If he's not up to looking through that with you, then maybe you can just start a little earlier with him before you make love, like maybe in the shower, and let him cleanse you first. If hygeine is his only hangup, then maybe that helps him to get the confidence at first.

Now personally, I can't see how a man would resist oral sex once he gets past a few hangups if he has a few hangups. You are equipped with an array of flavors and smells that speak directly to his hard-wired sexual nervous system. He should begin to pick up on that once he begins to relax and learns to enjoy sex. Talk to him about it, and talk to him as he is performing oral sex on you. While you are trying to get him past his hangup, don't focus on his apprehension. Instead, find anything you can find that he is doing that is pleasant. Tell him you like that while he is doing it, and allow yourself to get as excited as you can so that he can see your excitement. Many men, myself being one, really enjoy our partner's enjoyment of sex. In my case, I enjoy her enjoyment more than my own, but that is something that has developed over years and I can no longer remember how I was when I first got married except to know that I always liked to please her. In your case, it is exploring and learning, but I would think he will respond to that kind of thing. Tell him when he's hit the spot. Tell him when it's good or even better, just let yourself go naturally when it's good and let THAT tell him that you enjoy it.

I know that every woman is different, so what works for one is not going to work for another, but if you find the thread I posted "Do you get sore," I describe there how my wife has to orgasm. That takes a lot of effort on her part. It's possible you are similar, but if you're not, then at least you can see from that post that there are different ways that different women have to orgasm, and some seem to have to put a little more effort into it that others. Talk about it to him, and see if the two of you can explore it and learn it together. Keep in mind that there is learning for him, and for you. Several years from now, you would probably hope that you have more than just one way you can orgasm.

Most of all, continue to talk to him and listen to him. Find things that the two of you find exciting and talk about what you want and need. Let him tell you the same thing. He likely doesn't want to just orgasm in 1 - 2 minutes, so you may have to talk about taking turns when he is in control, and when you are in control, or when you pick up the pace, and when you slow it down. If he can't control it, then one trick you may use is just before he orgasms, you, or he, press in on his urethra near the base of his penis so that the semen can't pass through, and hold it there until the excitement ebbs a bit, then he'll be ready to go for a few more minutes. That can be a technique to use to help him learn to go longer before ejaculating.

I'll go ahead and close this now, then look to see if I need to edit - which I usually do. Hopefully, I've given you some things to think about and do.

PBear

Sure, I think there's the potential for him to change. It may not ever become his favorite thing in the world, but he can learn to like it and even be good at it. Your sex life may improve as your communication improves, as well.

C
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shy_guy

There is one more thing I forgot to put in my post. When I started saying it was unfortunate how he reacted the first time he saw your genitals, I meant to go on and say that just because that was his first reaction doesn't mean that's how he will always think. Please leave room in your mind for it to grow on him. As he begins to think of you, and begins to like to give you pleasure, and begins to get pleasure from you, it's likely that his opinion is going to change a lot. So don't always associate his first reaction in your mind with his current opinion. His opinion of how you look is likely to change as you two develop in intimacy.

rks1

Wow, thanks so much ShyGuy for your awesome post. I think my husband and I really do need to have an open discussion about sexuality soon. Our communication had been strained due to long-distance, and due to him caring for his sick mother... but now that she is improving, there may be more room to have this sort of discussion.

I will certainly read more of these threads, and I'll also check out your previous 'sore' posts as well to get a better idea of other's experiences. I like the shower together idea as well. Since we are currently apart for some months, it will be awhile before we try that, but I hope it will help him not worry so much about hygiene.

And yes, our sex has gotten progressively better. The first time was awful, as it was hurting me and when I told him that, he was like "It's supposed to hurt the first time for a girl". I'm like "Um, maybe, but not for me as I've 'been' with my toy before. It's hurting me because I'm not ready to do this!" I'm still mad at him that he didn't seem to mind that he was hurting me the first time. The first few times we had sex, we would have intercourse, and then he'd turn over and sleep, while I'd be frustrated. After that I refused to have sex with him unless he first took care of my pleasure first. That's when I started asking for oral. And yes, he did get to see me enjoying it VERY much. However, because of his squeamishness, it probably took much longer than it needed to... as it didn't make me happy to look at the uncomfortable expression on his face.

We also have to work on the foreplay thing. I remember in the summer, I had explicitly told him that I didn't want to have intercourse before marriage. So we'd lay in bed together and he'd kiss me for hours. It was very HOT! But once we got married and were 'allowed' to have intercourse, he completely stopped the foreplay. No kissing or cuddling... he just wants to touch my chest for 1-2 minutes and then start penetration, which is completely unsatisfying for me. That's also partly why I need more oral to get aroused, since there isn't foreplay first. I have told him this, but he says "Can't I just penetrate first, and then once I'm in, I can touch your chest and other places to get you revved up? That's what my other friends do with their wives." And I'm like "No...it doesn't work like that."

Anyway thanks so much again for taking the time to write a long post in response... I really do appreciate it. I will also look into finding ways to extend his sexual duration, as I think we'd both like that better if he would last longer.

heartsbeating

Oh as soon as I saw there was an explicit warning on your thread, I couldn't turn away. I kid, I kid

So it does sound like he needs to mature a lot sexually. And foreplay, yes, lots of exploring needs to happen. You mentioned you used to do lots of kissing that was hot and now his focus is intercourse. As for his approach, and listening to his friends, well I'm glad that at least you know it doesn't work like that! I'd say you both need to spend time really discovering each other in a very sensual way. This could be long massage sessions, seeing how your bodies respond to different sensations (different touch - feather light, soft, hard, cold, hot, licks, kisses etc), play without penetration (or at least before) with blindfolds, tying each other up, teasing, responding. Try out different positions of foreplay too, such as 69 and such. Also sorry if I glanced over this, but do you give him oral too? Explore HIS body and learn different responses about him, as much as him learning about you.

Hopefully as time goes on, he'll learn that he can slow things down to last longer.

I don't know if I'm telling you things you already know - but in case it prompts some inspiration, I hope it helps. Also if he's up for it, there's a book that might be worthwhile to teach him more about your vagina. I've peeked a good look at this book, because I take interest in books about sex-related things lol, it seems a good one. It's not erotic, it's more telling it like it is. Maybe it will help him realize that the vagina is 'cleaner' than his mouth. Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (9780060538262): Ian Kerner: Books

While on that subject - sorry if it's too personal, but seems we're probably past that point now anyway, but do you trim or remove your pubic hair? Hair does trap odors. While some of us do like the natural scent of our lovers, grooming can assist with odor and appearance too. Even just trimming can make a difference. Of course you're beautiful as you are, seems you're confident with this, which is why I felt I could mention this to you.

__________________
"Victims; aren't we all" - The Crow

tacoma

Yet again...

This is why you don`t marry someone you`ve never slept with.

Here`s my advice..

You can continue to believe this is going to get better and live the next few years sexually miserable building resentment and crushed self esteem from your husbands constant rejection of your sex until you absolutely hate him and THEN divorce him to discover a man who actually appreciates a womans body.

OR

You can get the divorce now and save yourself years of pain and therapy.

Your call but the only other option is to never divorce him and live your entire life with the resentment and hatred, eventually ending up celibate in a sexless relationship like two roomates who dislike each other.

Edit:

I have three ..yes three...lifelong friends who were absolutely disgusted by the idea of performing oral sex on a girl in high school.
Now 25 years later each and every one of them is still disgusted by the idea of performing oral on a woman.

Yes, they`re all lifelong bachelors.

It`s unlikely to change.

effess

I think your husband is the exception not the rule - I love giving oral (even though my wife doesn't like receiving).
My advice would be to talk to him calmly and let him know that you enjoy this and the more pleasure he gives you the more you will do for him. Also, if it helps and you don't do it already, it might help to groom yourself. Its easier to perform orally on a woman who is trimmed than a big hairy bush.

shy_guy

RKS1, one thing you probably will notice on here if you haven't already is that all responses are given by people. Some advice is very good. Different perspectives are good. But, do not let someone on here define your values and morals for you, and don't be discouraged when someone tries.

Dr. Rockstar

Tacoma, aren't you just the little ray of sunshine?

rks, I gather from your disclaimer that you must be new here. I think I've posted at least three things more graphic than your story today alone.

Coming from your exact situation, I can safely say that it can get better. If you come from a substantially conservative background, it can take some time to get over the inhibitions you may have had drilled into you when you were younger. But it's going to take patience with each other as you each discover what works for you. And it'll take practice.

Which means LOTS and LOTS of sex. As much as you can, whenever and wherever you can.

In order for both you (I'm sure you have a couple hang-ups yourself) and your husband to get past your inhibitions, you may want to consider creating a sexual check-list of stuff you've never tried and want to explore together. Allow your inner freak flag fly.

And I mentioned this in an earlier thread (I'm not trying to be a shill, honest), there's an iPad app called "Bliss" that I think you would really benefit from. It's set up as a board game where you slowly build up sexual contact from conversations to some pretty intense stuff. But you can eliminate whatever you're (he's) not comfortable with, so you only do things that you are both comfortable with before hand.

Also, you may want to forward a link to this thread to him, if you're not too embarrassed. If he can understand how much he's hurt you by his reluctance, he may be more willing to give it another try.

And flavored lubes may help. Personally, I prefer honey or chocolate syrup, but that can get sticky.

tacoma

Naw, I know I`m not.

I just see sooo many mistakes made in this one OP and many of them are about sexual incompatibility which I know is nearly impossible to tolerate and be happy about at the same time.
I truly believe she`s in a hopeless situation and will waste years of her life trying to "fix" this man.
We all know you can`t change anyone, they have to want to.
You can however change yourself.
That`s what she should do.

This is a cool thing I was unaware of.
Heading to the app store right now!

Thanks!

2nd_t!me iz_best

i dont know how a guy couldnt thing their ladies bits arent one of the most beautiful things to look at or one of the most comforting places to lay you face.
i enjoyed feeling that close.

Catherine602

Hi rks1
Welcome to TAM. It must be exciting to start on a new phase in in your life. It also a little confusing because you are making way as you go along. I think your sexual relationship with your husband has elements that are very common. I admire you, seeking information, being open about what you need and communicating the same with your husband is what all partners should do but manny don't.

You and your husband are normal - most men can reach orgasm in under 5 mins and it takes women on average 30 to 40 mins to become arroused and reach orgasm. I am not surprised you are frustrated. But that is what this beginning phase of your marriage is all about. It is to get to know each other and lay down the foundation of a loving mutually satisfying relationship. So congrats, you are making an excellent beginning.

What you are experiencing with your husband is an expression of the natural differences between male and female sexuality. If a couple plans on having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, they have to adjust to each other. That is the subjects of many good books.

I have to give you high five for refusing to have sex that is unsatisfactory to you or to allow your husband to satisfy himself without taking care of you. But your sexual relationship should be fun, exploratory and mutually pleasing. For that to happen you both have to be on board. You are both naive and have a lot to lean. So the books are for you both. I also give you a high five for joining TAM. I think there are many posters who will be able to help so keep posting.

It may be good to have a few days together with your husband that you request that he read books and communicate with you about what you need sexually not his friends. If he is having sex with you then why ignore you and listen to his friends. It is important not to let this issue of learning and growing sexually become a power struggle. It is a project that you are both partners in. Try to approach it that way and get your husband on board. I am not sure what to tell you to say to him that will lead to an awakening. Maybe one of the men can weigh in on that.

Your husband seems selfish but I think it is more ignorance than anything else. I think he has a wonderful wife who is willing to please him if she is also pleased. I am certain if he knew that you are unlikely to continue having sex with him to meet his physical needs and not have your needs met. If he is resistant to change then you may want to put a short moritorium on sex and read books together. You can slowly start again with kissing and caressing.

BTW, I would not force the oral sex issue. There are other things he can do for clitoral stimulation. Don't get impatient or angry with him. You guys are in this for the long haul and the communication skills you develop now will carry you through. He may develop a taste for oral sex but not if he feels it is something he has to do wheartge he likes it or not. That's not loving to make him do it. Do you give him oral sex?

I would not start or continue giving until he developers more control and developes an interest in your pleasure. To give him more pleasure when he seems disinterested in yours will just make you resent him. Oral sex is something you can both learn together. Good luck!
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