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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-07-2012, 02:14 PM   #136 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

Ok, wow.

well Covertx, I'm female, and here's my advice/rambling.

When I got with my stbx/ex (not planning on being together again, just haven't filed) I would not have wanted to do anything anal. I'd tried it before, wasn't that grand. (didn't really hurt either, the guy tiny) I was also a bit terrified of the repercussions of the size difference.

So, what my stbx did, was talk with one of his friends who is insane about his sex and has done everything under the sun.

So, I'm going to explain to you, even though it is a little exposing for me, what my stbx went about doing over a period of time to warm me up to the idea without it being a matter of "hey, I really want to stick it in your butt" (not that you've phrased it that way, but you get the idea)

he started by orally messing around and gauging how much I enjoyed that. Then, he went to using a finger or two. (after a while of the oral being ok) then give it a little time, and he just ended up going ahead with the full on anal sex in the middle of us already having sex.

We never strictly did anal, it was always after a warm up of regular vaginal/oral while he continuously stimulated me anally.
you kind of absolutely have to work at it before penetration or else it is going to hurt her and potentially cause damage.

hope that helps. Its a more fair way to see if she'll enjoy anal without pushing her too far, and of course, you can stop any time she tells you no.

ps, if you're not up to licking it, you shouldn't ask her to let you stick it..just my opinion.
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Old 02-07-2012, 02:33 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

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1. No I can't picture myself taking a money shot lol, but I don't mind giving oral sex to my wife. I'm just not into penises.

2. Yes I would get a body wax from head to toe if she requested it, although I'd much prefer to just go ahead and do lazer hair removal. Actually I do quite a bit of manscaping already, but I understand that was not your point.

3. Of course we plan on being together for a long time. One fight does not a marriage end.

I would hate to think that my wife or any of my past lovers would have your attitude almost of regret for trying sexual fantasys I had. I certainly would never want to degrade someone. I view my wifes sexual requests almost as a new goal that she is going to let me help her complete. I've never turned her down for anything. I want her to be happy, experience everything that she wants to do sexually (without breaking our vows). I would hope that she would have the same outlook on my sexual requests and not feel burdened, or that she is playing second fiddle to my wants.

She brought the anal sex issue up again last night. What she didn't tell me in our first conversation was that she has some things going on back there extending from her pregnancy. I explained my points, and that she didn't know it would hurt for sure because she has never tried it with me. My feelings about her trying it with someone else, the resentment over her dismissing my interest immediatly when I'm always willing to try hers, etc. Overall I'm not sure if I convinced her to try it eventually, but its something I think we can talk about later.
Wow, I'm glad you two talked about it. It doesn't sound like she's opposed to ever doing it again and it sounds like she wasn't aware of your feelings on it (feeling dismissed, etc)

Have you done any reading on anal sex? This book has gotten really good reviews, maybe you could pick it up? The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. I haven't read it myself, but I know a lot of men and women who have.

I hope you two can come to an agreement and you have a long and healthy marriage. Good Luck!
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Old 02-07-2012, 02:40 PM   #138 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

Covertx


GOOD THAT SHE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND ......
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Old 02-07-2012, 02:54 PM   #139 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

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Ok, wow.

well Covertx, I'm female, and here's my advice/rambling.

When I got with my stbx/ex (not planning on being together again, just haven't filed) I would not have wanted to do anything anal. I'd tried it before, wasn't that grand. (didn't really hurt either, the guy tiny) I was also a bit terrified of the repercussions of the size difference.

So, what my stbx did, was talk with one of his friends who is insane about his sex and has done everything under the sun.

So, I'm going to explain to you, even though it is a little exposing for me, what my stbx went about doing over a period of time to warm me up to the idea without it being a matter of "hey, I really want to stick it in your butt" (not that you've phrased it that way, but you get the idea)

he started by orally messing around and gauging how much I enjoyed that. Then, he went to using a finger or two. (after a while of the oral being ok) then give it a little time, and he just ended up going ahead with the full on anal sex in the middle of us already having sex.

We never strictly did anal, it was always after a warm up of regular vaginal/oral while he continuously stimulated me anally.
you kind of absolutely have to work at it before penetration or else it is going to hurt her and potentially cause damage.

hope that helps. Its a more fair way to see if she'll enjoy anal without pushing her too far, and of course, you can stop any time she tells you no.

ps, if you're not up to licking it, you shouldn't ask her to let you stick it..just my opinion.

I appreciate the advice. I was mostly just planning to use a ton of lube, message, and use 1-2 fingers to get ready, and then let her pull me into her as slowly or quickly as she wanted and to stop everything if she so desired. I like the idea of trying it as just part of one of our regular sexual encounters, instead of making it an anal only encounter. A little research sounds like a good plan though.

However I can't say I had planned to toss her salad. Is that even hygenally safe? Honestly my wife has never been a big fan of even vaginal oral, so I doubt she would be interested in this. But I guess I should be prepaired if she does.
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:01 PM   #140 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

Its wrong to say, or an ignorant lie of women themselves that women do not generally like anal..

Even the shy,quiet,religious, crazy,wild,h or l drives etc etc,desire,love, crave,like or fantasize the process as natural as it can be or by stimulated desires.....
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:07 PM   #141 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

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I appreciate the advice. I was mostly just planning to use a ton of lube, message, and use 1-2 fingers to get ready, and then let her pull me into her as slowly or quickly as she wanted and to stop everything if she so desired. I like the idea of trying it as just part of one of our regular sexual encounters, instead of making it an anal only encounter. A little research sounds like a good plan though.

However I can't say I had planned to toss her salad. Is that even hygenally safe? Honestly my wife has never been a big fan of even vaginal oral, so I doubt she would be interested in this. But I guess I should be prepaired if she does.
I tried so hard to not use the term "Salad tossing" lol.

my response to that question though, is does she wash? my ex never ended up with any anal related nasties in his mouth or on his man parts and this is six years of play, our only bad experience was caused by a mint. (I really don't need to explain that)

just make sure she's showered, and had her daily poop, I guess.
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:17 PM   #142 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

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I tried so hard to not use the term "Salad tossing" lol.

my response to that question though, is does she wash? my ex never ended up with any anal related nasties in his mouth or on his man parts and this is six years of play, our only bad experience was caused by a mint. (I really don't need to explain that)

just make sure she's showered, and had her daily poop, I guess.
I'm sorry for my vocabulary lol. Like I said in my OP, I'm new here. Still learning whats acceptable and whats frowned upon. I've been trying not to use any slang, but in this case I felt like the slang was less dirty then actually describing the act.

Anyway, I obviously have no experience with anal in any fashion, so the advice is appreciated. I have no issues with oral sex, so as long as things are clean I guess I should have no issues with this act either. Like I said I'm pretty open to most things. Thanks for at least bringing it up and making me think about it.

I now feel under-prepaired. Need to pick up that book the other poster suggested to get myself more acquanted. I've never felt the need to read a "how to" on a sexual subject before. Being receptive and doing what came naturally to me has always done me well in the past. I guess its time to evolve.
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:25 PM   #143 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

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I'm sorry for my vocabulary lol. Like I said in my OP, I'm new here. Still learning whats acceptable and whats frowned upon. I've been trying not to use any slang, but in this case I felt like the slang was less dirty then actually describing the act.

Anyway, I obviously have no experience with anal in any fashion, so the advice is appreciated. I have no issues with oral sex, so as long as things are clean I guess I should have no issues with this act either. Like I said I'm pretty open to most things. Thanks for at least bringing it up and making me think about it.

I now feel under-prepaired. Need to pick up that book the other poster suggested to get myself more acquanted. I've never felt the need to read a "how to" on a sexual subject before. Being receptive and doing what came naturally to me has always done me well in the past. I guess its time to evolve.
I'd suggest your wife read it as well. Even though she's had "experience" it wasn't pleasant, she should take some time to explore and read up on it. That way, when the time comes, you'll both be prepared and knowledgeable.
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Old 02-07-2012, 04:00 PM   #144 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

Keep in mind too, each person is different.

I was never the chick in the porno that could take anal from all directions, there was only one position where I could maintain relaxed enough for it to not hurt, so she's going to have to be more open to it to find that angle I would think, but by that point she should be anyways.
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Old 02-09-2012, 12:42 PM   #145 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

Way to much talk about the dooky shoot going one here.. Additionally I find it amusing to consider what a big elephant in the room your wifes butt hole has become. Seriously let it go... I mean if you go the route of resentment what are you going to say when it eventually eats you up, you start acting out and end up separated? I left her cause she would not let me violate her stink hole..seriously..

To put it in perspective there was once a lady years ago I was in my 20's she was mid 30's that was going down on me.. in the process she decided to be cute or heighten the experience or for some other dumb reason she stuck her finger in my ass.. I did not approve, nearly jumped out of my skin, issued a WTF!! and left.. years later I was telling the story to another G/F who said well some guys like it and she had done it b4 and would like to try with me.. I was like fuzuk off, not gonna happen.. it started out small but ended up becoming an elephant in the room. We would have sex she would giggle playing around and say I'm gonna get you this time and I would tell her an if you do I'm gonna sock you in the eye.. Long story short, I started to think of her as weird and things deteriorated from there.. Just let it go..
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Old 02-09-2012, 01:20 PM   #146 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy

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Creepy? You paint such a beautiful picture of me Catherine.

My friend was dating my wife when I met her. I have no problems with this, neither does he. He was part of my wedding party. Its not like he was some dude down the street. My wife knew/knows many of the girls I had past sexual relationships with. My wife and I were friends long before we started dating, so we knew a lot of each others past sex lives. I don't view this as creepy.
It seems odd to me that you resent your wife, but not your friend. You are jealous that she had anal sex with your friend, you resent that she won't with you, are agonizing over the thought that a guy went there with her, yet you have no issues with the guy who did so.

Why is your resentment and lack of empathy all on your wife?

I tried anal once, NEVER again and I don't care who asks for it or why. Hounding me for it would just lead to resentment on my part and an eventual destruction of the relationship if he cannot respect my need to preserve my ass from pain.
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:25 PM   #147 (permalink)
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First time post here so I appologize if I don't know all the lingo quite yet. I found this messege board after googling a question about sex in marriage, and after reading multiple threads it really seemed like a mature environment that I could turn to for opinions on my sex life from both males and females.

A little backstory: I am 27 years old, my wife is 25 years old. We just had our first child 6 months ago. Pre-pregnancy we had sex 3-4 times a week and lately it has been once every two weeks to once a week. We have been married for three and a half years and dated for roughly 2 years prior to getting married.

The current issue I'm having anxiety over is the fact that my wife has tried anal sex in her last relationship but refuses to try it with me. I have never tried it. I read multiple topics over anal sex today on these forums and it brought the whole issue back into focus. I asked her about trying it a couple of years ago and she said she didn't want to try it. I didn't really care, but after I found out she has tried it before I find myself extremely jealous and almost feel like she loves him more, or cheated on because she was willing to try anal sex with someone else but not me. I'm not typically a jealous person. I don't care that she has male friends, and I trust that she would never cheat on me.

This one issue is making me sick to my stomach. I knew very well that both of us had our previous relationships and sexual encounters before meeting and I'm fine with that. I just can't bare to think that she was willing to try something with someone else that she will not do with me. Any advice on either:

A- getting her to try it
B- dealing with the fact that she was willing to with someone else

The only reason she has given me so far was that it hurt when she tried it previously.

Thanks,
REALLY ? Are you serious ? Give up man ! getting her to try it, aint gonna make her like it or enjoyable to you or her.
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:51 PM   #148 (permalink)
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Look, first off, having a baby is tough enough, really. Especially the first one, for my wife, it turned her sex drive to zero, but that is how nature works. So now you are dumping the anal sex thing on her? Are you nuts? Give it a while, don't harp about it. Maybe one day down the road in a fun moment she may want to try it again, her giving it to you because you mope around about it will GUARANTEE it will be a one time event. And so what if she tried it with a boyfriend, she married you right? had your baby right? What is the big deal? I don't care what my wife did before with her boyfriends, she married me, not them, had my kids, not thiers, and has made a great spouse. The past is just that.. the past..
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:59 PM   #149 (permalink)
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WOW! Some women are vicious on here! Look, I understand where the dude is coming from. But some of you are like, " It hurts! Stop being a selfish bastard and get over it!" Well, not getting anal sex isn't the real issue here it's that the OP felt rejected. Look, it does sting a little bit knowing that your wife tried something with someone else, probably someone that could have treated her like dirt. Could have verbally abused her, cheated on her...whatever. If it was a perfect relationship then the OP wouldn't be in the picture. She felt COMFORTABLE enough to try it with the douche bag, but he might be thinking," we in a loving and commited relationship and I'm the one that gets rejected." Selfish way if thinking and it happens. We are all selfish by nature.

I think that maybe he was looking for more of a way to handle the rejection more than trying to scheme to get his wife to give up the ass! Don't get me wrong, if someone knew a way to get anal, I don't think he would dismiss it. But, the way I took it was as if he was asking is it WRONG of me to feel rejected? Is it WRONG of me to feel jealous?

So, cut the guy some slack....
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Old 02-10-2012, 05:02 PM   #150 (permalink)
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Crossbar, I think where women were getting upset was where he said he was getting resentful, with the implication of he was resentful of her pain. Which he cleared up a little.

Also though, the person she tried it with is apparently a friend, so not a total wastoid but as was said before it takes just one bad experience with anal to be like "no, forget you, never again" even with the nicest person ever. Especially ESPECIALLY after being pregnant with all the pressure that ends up down there. I think all us harsh women were just trying to emphasize that it has little to do with a particular partner than sometimes you just don't ever want to deal with that pain again.
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Which I do get, but women also state that there's no greater pain than that of a woman giving birth. So, if it is that intense and so unpleasant, why would woman subjugate themselves to it more than once?

I'm not trying to be a smartass or anything. I'm just trying to understand. So, don't blast me too bad.
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