Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Feminists have to bash us because they're unwilling to bash the real abusers: their bosses, the corporations that pollute their environment, their congressmen that make sure the polluters & bosses don't have to pay (their congressmen & bosses get all the anal they want, rest assured).
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Originally Posted by Covertx
Why are you all still talking about abuse? I've never forced my wife to do anything. Actually the fact that I feel like I would have to force the issue turns me off completely to it. Maybe it's my fault for not portraying an accurate picture in my OP but I wanted to clarify I am not an abusive person/husband/lover. Posted via Mobile Device
I think the mods need to step in here. I have to say as a woman some of the posts I am reading here from the guys are making me feel distinctly uncomfortable.
I'm all for understanding but let's have it for both sides. The OP is, rightly or wrongly, upset that his W won't participate in said activity. The W has said no and explained her reasons, that she has done it before and it was painful. The OP has also alluded to the fact that his W has some "stuff going on back there" (I am assuming he means she has piles?) which are probably a result of pregnancy and birth.
I honestly can't see the benefit of forcing the issue. Saying she "owes it" and making out like it's her wifely duty is not constructive at all. It's possible that she may never want to do it in which case the OP needs to respect and accept that. Or she may later down the line decide she does want to as it's important to him. Either is her right and her choice. And there is nothing wrong with either of those.
Not wanting to do anal has nothing to do with guy bashing and nothing to do with feminism, but everything to do simply with a matter of personal preference/choice and comfort - and respecting that choice.
Anal sex is simply not a preference for everyone. Anal sex is not comfortable for everyone. No one person, not even your spouse, owes you anything in regard to something that they may find distressing, distasteful, or painful. It is something that they must willingly give to you, and not something that you can just take.
Okay, I think that we are missing the main focus of the real issue here and it's how the OP can deal with the rejection. Okay, it's been firmly established that anal sex is painful and doesn't want to be explored by some women. Got it. No one is suggesting the he rape his wife and no one is suggesting that he finds it somewhere else. And no one is suggesting that he guilt his wife into it. It's the rejection that needs to be addressed.
The rejection is no different than of the OP's wife has always dreamed of laying out in a hammock, tied between two palm tree's, on the beach in the Bahamas. She's has ALWAYS wanted to do that. However, when she asks her husband if they can go to the Bahamas for their next vacation and he says that he took his Ex girlfriend to the Bahamas and he didn't like it so he doesn't want to go back. Well, the sky blue crystal clear waters, warm Bahamian Sun and pink sandy beaches is maybe just what she needs to relax, be lazy and decompress and she WANTS to experience it. However, her man doesn't want to go there because he went there with his Ex. Been there and done that.
Now, I know that the Bahamas and anal sex are apples and oranges, but the SENSE OF REJECTION is still the same. What can the OP do to feel better about the rejection of something that he's always wanted to try but will never have the opportunity to do?
The OP didn't always want to try it. He clearly stated that he asked once years ago, she said no, and he didn't care about it or ask again. He only started to care about it once he found out that she had done it with someone else. So its not something he always wanted...it's about jealousy and evening up the score. He can get anal if he has enough game to do it. There are many excellent tips in this thread that he can follow. I just think he should keep his true motivation to himself unless he wants her to resent him. Telling someone they owe you something and dismissing their concerns relating to the pain is not a turn on. So unless he wants her to do it out of obligation he should slowly seduce her and make it seem like he truly wants to have this sexual experience because it's something that he feels will be pleasurable for the both of them.
The OP didn't always want to try it. He clearly stated that he asked once years ago, she said no, and he didn't care about it or ask again .
But, that shows me he DID want it. He was curious about it to ask years ago. Therefore, that kind of shows me that there was interest to try it so long ago. He dropped it and respected her wishes He must have asked again only to find out that she shared that part of herself with someone else. Thus, the feelings of rejection, feeling of not being good enough to share that with his wife ( don't try to understand the male ego, it's very Fragile and makes us think this way) come into play. So, there will be a sexual experience that he will NEVER get to experience in his lifetime that she has. How should he cope with that?
You cope with it the same way that you cope with anything else that is disappointing that life throws your way.
You learn to let things go and move on...you learn to appreciate the wonderful things that you do have... you learn to work toward things that could be within your reach.
Most people have heard of the serenity prayer... that's what you have to learn to do in life. It's called growing up and maturing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
He didn't ask her to donate a kidney. He just wanted something she already gave up to dufus. If she looked at it from his perspective maybe she would be willing to share some of herself ... I mean it was ok to share it out of wedlock, but now not with her husband ... no wonder he feels resentful.
Why don't you go and read his last post. Sounds like she's got some issues going on from pregnancy and child birth. Sounds like they will eventually get around to talking about it again. Sounds like they both understand each other a little better. I hope they can work it out and compromise on something.
So it'd be okay for him to just do as you suggested and "haha, I got you!!" and his wife be angry and resentful towards him, because he didn't respect her body and her boundaries. Great idea! I think the OP is wise enough to not do that. I'm sure he loves and respects his wife.
He didn't ask her to donate a kidney. He just wanted something she already gave up to dufus. If she looked at it from his perspective maybe she would be willing to share some of herself ... I mean it was ok to share it out of wedlock, but now not with her husband ... no wonder he feels resentful.
She did it and it hurt, so she doesn't want to do it again. What is so difficult to understand about that?
It's all about respect. If the OP truly respects his wife and cherishes her, I don't think he'd be dealing with resentment over this issue. It's more about his ego than respecting his wife.
She did it and it hurt, so she doesn't want to do it again. What is so difficult to understand about that?
It's all about respect. If the OP truly respects his wife and cherishes her, I don't think he'd be dealing with resentment over this issue. It's more about his ego than respecting his wife.
I think he respects his wife, he's just having a hard time understanding why she was able to do it with someone else but not him. You have to understand that news like that does sting and he is not that other person.
I think we can agree that we've had Mind Blowing sex!!!!! Some good sex, sex that was okay. Then some God aweful sex. So, the anal sex between her and the friend could have been some God aweful sex where he wasn't aware that he was hurting her and jerking like a robot and completely disconnected with her feelings. I mean there is a difference between sex with a person that you have a deep connection with and love completely than to someone you met in a bar. Who's to say if she had anal sex with her husband might be enjoyable to her. Who's to say that she wouldn't enjoy it because he would be aware of her feelings, being tender, taking things slowly and listening to her give direction.
I think he respects his wife, he's just having a hard time understanding why she was able to do it with someone else but not him. You have to understand that news like that does sting and he is not that other person.
I think we can agree that we've had Mind Blowing sex!!!!! Some good sex, sex that was okay. Then some God aweful sex. So, the anal sex between her and the friend could have been some God aweful sex where he wasn't aware that he was hurting her and jerking like a robot and completely disconnected with her feelings. I mean there is a difference between sex with a person that you have a deep connection with and love completely than to someone you met in a bar. Who's to say if she had anal sex with her husband might be enjoyable to her. Who's to say that she wouldn't enjoy it because he would be aware of her feelings, being tender, taking things slowly and listening to her give direction.
Second time might be a charm!
I did plenty of things with an abusive ex many moons ago. Things I thought were acceptable when my self esteem was less than zero and I allowed another to abuse me. Now, 20 years later, if you tried to get me to do those things under the "you did it with him" meme, the door couldn't hit your ass fast enough and a smart man wouldn't cross those boundaries.
I did plenty of things with an abusive ex many moons ago. Things I thought were acceptable when my self esteem was less than zero and I allowed another to abuse me. Now, 20 years later, if you tried to get me to do those things under the "you did it with him" meme, the door couldn't hit your ass fast enough and a smart man wouldn't cross those boundaries.
But, it still doesn't change the fact that a man will ask regardless. I'm sorry that you had an abusive relationship a while back. But, not all guys are like that. And it's *********s like your Ex that give nice guys a bad name.
But, it still doesn't change the fact that a man will ask regardless. I'm sorry that you had an abusive relationship a while back. But, not all guys are like that. And it's *********s like your Ex that give nice guys a bad name.
My point is, if you know something was traumatizing in the past, why push for it in a current relationship and for selfish reasons such as "you did it with so and so". The OP's wife had a horrific experience. Mind movies etc., I can imagine. Why put her in a position to relive all of that? It sounds horrible.
Ex was a bastard. You want to know who would be worse though? If my husband, the man who pledged love and honor, wanted me to relive that. This OP really needs to think what he is asking. Really, really think.
My point is, if you know something was traumatizing in the past, why push for it in a current relationship and for selfish reasons such as "you did it with so and so". The OP's wife had a horrific experience. Mind movies etc., I can imagine. Why put her in a position to relive all of that? It sounds horrible.
Ex was a bastard. You want to know who would be worse though? If my husband, the man who pledged love and honor, wanted me to relive that. This OP really needs to think what he is asking. Really, really think.
And my point is, is that the OP is having a hard time coming to terms that she was willing to fullfill her Ex's fantasy's and not his. Having a hard time with the rejection from his wife. That there is no middle ground. And I read through the thread again and I must have miss the post where he said that she had mind movies over the event. It was just something that she didn't enjoy with the other guy.
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Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy 
