Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Like I said earlier, she could at least fake it to shut him up. Just like how SOME guys fake being interested in what SOME women have to say. For "a piece" and quiet
how do you know it's going to hurt her. If you read my posts, we have never attempted anal sex. It's not as if we got close but it hurt her and now i'm demanding she continue trying it and to ignore the pain. She hasn't tried it with me. No one knows for a fact if it would hurt or not. I'm upset that she isn't willing to try. posted via mobile device
dude, she's tried it before and has no interest in it again. Must have hurt then!!!
Read the analogy I posted, although quickly discredited by one poster no idea why, but you say that now because a certain something was never done to/for/ with someone prior to you that you want now. It would cause jealousy. I'm leaving the wanting anal part out of it, as that is what is getting everyone caught up. If your man had loved and been hurt, and you start to date. He is charming and you fall for him, but he tells you that he can't love you because he's been hurt before. You'd be gone in a millisecond. And don't even lie.
I was always interested in trying anal while in my marriage, and my wife shut that idea down pretty quick. But she was open to some play in the area. Is she open to that? Fingers, small toys, etc... Might be a starting point. Could try a "variety pack" of butt plugs, and work up slowly.
But as far as pressing the issues... There's a big difference between a little discomfort and "OMG, I can't poop for a week". I have no idea (obviously) where your wife was on the spectrum. But in general, her body, her rules. How would you respond if she said she had a fetish of pegging you hard with a toy the size of your penis?
Your feelings are your feelings. You're entitled to them. But... Her feelings are her feelings, and she's just as entitled to them.
My advice to you is get over it. Tell yourself that you're just too damn big, and strut around the bedroom for awhile.
And as an FYI, I'm now with a partner that is open to anal (she volunteered that fact), so we've done it a couple times. It's a nice change, but if we never did it again, I wouldn't hold it against her. But I am glad I got to try it at least.
I sincerely apologize to mikeydread. Clearly he is not the author of the worst analogy ever. Posted via Mobile Device
How is this a bad analogy? It is the exact same dynamic at work. In general, bad experiences happen all the time. You would be a fool to say, "I did not like that so I am never doing it again". If that was the case, you would never learn to ride a bike, eat vegetables and probably never have sex, as all of these things usually suck the first time.
The example was extreme to point out the absurdity of the argument. Unfortunately, the argument gets blurred because people inject their own morals and lose objectivity. In the end, it boils down to if you trust each other, then you should be willing to try anything. Keeping in mind that trusting each other means a lot of things, including, reading the other person and making sure things stay in a healthy place, if it gets uncomfortable, that's fine, that's growing, If we all stayed comfortable, we would all still be living with our parents.
As far as the OP's question goes, I just think it is unproductive and unfair that people would recommend he sucks it up because she said it hurts. As someone already pointed out, it's ok to slap and choke her...that's hot, but attempting anal sex makes him an insensitive jerk. Sorry but 1 + 1 does not equal 3.
I have not all the responses but I sense a pervasive problem that may be fueling this debate and the acrimony therein.
Sex Vs. mutually satisfying sex. One focuses on getting pleausre out of an avalable partner Vs. having having sex with a parttner that is loved and valued.
This does not mean that the poster should not approach the subject of anal sex or that his wife should shut him down sumarily.
If the conversation were something like this
OP: honey I remember you telling me that you had painful anal sex before. What happened to you? Were you injured, forced or did the bf not stop when you wanted?
Wife: tells him the cercumstances. But honey, this is a bad time to bring this up. With the baby, and my adjustment and fatigue, it is not something I want to remenber now.
OP: It has been concerning me that you were treated badly. But I can see the timing is bad.
Wife: thanks for being concerned, that is what I love about you. I want to get back to being a wife for you and not a mother 80% of the time.
OP: I understand that, it will happen but we need to get through this new experience.
Wife: you have been patient amd understanding and I appreciate that.
OP: I love you and I care about what you are feeling most of all.
Wife: I love you.
They both have needs, that are equally pressing but not equaly met. Compassion and empathy on both their parts can get the through this period. There are sacrifices that are imnherent in having children.
Not only that, they need to have a sense of partners on a journey. There will be times when one person is giving more to the relationship.
But is they view their life together as a project they both are willingly perfecting, they will accept those momentary lapses with equanimity because they know their partner will be their for them when they need.
Counting beans on a daily basis and getting angry frustrated and demanding when ones needs are not met due to circumstances, is immature.
In the latter case, The relationship is not a partnership but a business arrangement. The ledger needs to be balanced every 2 weeks. What a miserable way to live.
How is this a bad analogy? It is the exact same dynamic at work. In general, bad experiences happen all the time. You would be a fool to say, "I did not like that so I am never doing it again". If that was the case, you would never learn to ride a bike, eat vegetables and probably never have sex, as all of these things usually suck the first time.
The example was extreme to point out the absurdity of the argument. Unfortunately, the argument gets blurred because people inject their own morals and lose objectivity. In the end, it boils down to if you trust each other, then you should be willing to try anything. Keeping in mind that trusting each other means a lot of things, including, reading the other person and making sure things stay in a healthy place, if it gets uncomfortable, that's fine, that's growing, If we all stayed comfortable, we would all still be living with our parents.
As far as the OP's question goes, I just think it is unproductive and unfair that people would recommend he sucks it up because she said it hurts. As someone already pointed out, it's ok to slap and choke her...that's hot, but attempting anal sex makes him an insensitive jerk. Sorry but 1 + 1 does not equal 3.
Everyone is entitled to make boundaries for their own bodies, seriously. Anal sex isn't for everyone, she tried it, it hurt her, she doesn't want to do it again. It's one thing to ask and have a person say "No" but it's unproductive and unfair to whine and coerce her into doing something she said hurt her.
Everyone is entitled to make boundaries for their own bodies, seriously. Anal sex isn't for everyone, she tried it, it hurt her, she doesn't want to do it again. It's one thing to ask and have a person say "No" but it's unproductive and unfair to whine and coerce her into doing something she said hurt her.
I absolutely agree boundaries always have to be respected but I think it is fair and healthy to challenge them. Challenging versus whining and coercing can be a fine line but the OP does not seem to have crossed that line.
My main point was not that he should get anal sex, that is for them to discuss and decide, my main point was he is not an insensitive jerk for wanting to challenger her on it. And in fact he should be praised for attempting to address an issue versus sweeping it under the rug, which would be sucking it up.
I have not all the responses but I sense a pervasive problem that may be fueling this debate and the acrimony therein.
Sex Vs. mutually satisfying sex. One focuses on getting pleausre out of an avalable partner Vs. having having sex with a parttner that is loved and valued.
This does not mean that the poster should not approach the subject of anal sex or that his wife should shut him down sumarily.
If the conversation were something like this
OP: honey I remember you telling me that you had painful anal sex before. What happened to you? Were you injured, forced or did the bf not stop when you wanted?
Wife: tells him the cercumstances. But honey, this is a bad time to bring this up. With the baby, and my adjustment and fatigue, it is not something I want to remenber now.
OP: It has been concerning me that you were treated badly. But I can see the timing is bad.
Wife: thanks for being concerned, that is what I love about you. I want to get back to being a wife for you and not a mother 80% of the time.
OP: I understand that, it will happen but we need to get through this new experience.
Wife: you have been patient amd understanding and I appreciate that.
OP: I love you and I care about what you are feeling most of all.
Wife: I love you.
They both have needs, that are equally pressing but not equaly met. Compassion and empathy on both their parts can get the through this period. There are sacrifices that are imnherent in having children.
Not only that, they need to have a sense of partners on a journey. There will be times when one person is giving more to the relationship.
But is they view their life together as a project they both are willingly perfecting, they will accept those momentary lapses with equanimity because they know their partner will be their for them when they need.
Counting beans on a daily basis and getting angry frustrated and demanding when ones needs are not met due to circumstances, is immature.
In the latter case, The relationship is not a partnership but a business arrangement. The ledger needs to be balanced every 2 weeks. What a miserable way to live.
Haven't read all the posts, but here are my 2 cents...
First, I think it's a bad idea to ask/tell about previous sexual experiences, especially when one/both partners are too immature to handle the information.
Second, I don't think the OP is being fully honest w himself/us. If you believe your wife tried anal sex once and hated it due to pain there's not much to be truly jealous about. Maybe you're worried that she actually enjoyed it -- but if so, why would she deprive you? Or maybe you're insecure that this other guy's c**k was bigger than yours--his caused unacceptable pain, but yours wouldn't? I don't know, but something doesn't make sense.
Others have mentioned anal play w finger, etc.
Great idea. Make that hole your friend, not your enemy!
But time for OP to grow up and move forward. Posted via Mobile Device
Haven't read all the posts, but here are my 2 cents...
First, I think it's a bad idea to ask/tell about previous sexual experiences, especially when one/both partners are too immature to handle the information.
Second, I don't think the OP is being fully honest w himself/us. If you believe your wife tried anal sex once and hated it due to pain there's not much to be truly jealous about. Maybe you're worried that she actually enjoyed it -- but if so, why would she deprive you? Or maybe you're insecure that this other guy's c**k was bigger than yours--his caused unacceptable pain, but yours wouldn't? I don't know, but something doesn't make sense.
Others have mentioned anal play w finger, etc.
Great idea. Make that hole your friend, not your enemy!
But time for OP to grow up and move forward. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm actually friends with her ex. We've seen each others ****s and I'm not concerned at all with my size. I was concerned about my wife being willing to fulfill his fantasies however having no concern over my desires. If you look back at page 4, I've already stated I'm going to drop the issue. Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe it wasn't just his fantasy. Maybe it was also your wife's fantasy. But sometimes the idea of something is a lot more fun than the actual experience.
I sometimes feel the urge to plow my wife's ass, and we've tried a few times, but there's just NO way it will fit, at least not without unacceptable pain.
As soon as it becomes apparent that it's causing substantial discomfort, I lose interest in that particular hole.
I have no idea whether my wife has ever had anal sex w someone before me, I've never asked and I don't really care to know.
I love to finger my wife's ass and this had become a common part of our sex play, but I just don't feel strongly about full on anal sex. I don't feel deprived.
I applaud the OP for letting this go. My only concern is holding onto resentment. This can have a toxic effect on a marriage. Posted via Mobile Device
but after I found out she has tried it before I find myself extremely jealous and almost feel like she loves him more, or cheated on because she was willing to try anal sex with someone else but not me. ,
I don't understand, I don't know that it would actually hurt her. I know that she knows that I feel slighted. I also know that she wasn't willing to do anything about it. So I'm not going to have that conversation with her. I feel no empathy, i only feel betrayal, jealousy, and resentment. I'm just going to drop it. Like I said, I don't even want to do it anymore because it would feel forced instead of my wife lovingly wanting to erase a concern I had. Posted via Mobile Device
Mmmm, I missed this one. This is worse than I thought. I withdraw my previous posts. You are too far gone to find them helpful. I think you need more help than nonprofessionals can give you.
I think what you express here is going to hurt your marriage, you, your wife and your child since he/she depends on the emotional stability of the parents.
One sex act erases empathy and evokes all of these negative feelings?
Your plan on punishing your wife, who gave birth to your child 6 months ago, because of feelings that you think she is responsible for fixing?
Hostility and lack of empathy would not be an expected reaction from a loving mature man to her reticence to engage in sexual act that was painful.
She probably expected sympathy not a negation of a whole relationship. Lack of empathy means you don't think she is worthy of caring and loving.
Do you expect her to have sex with you if she feels you don't care or love her? Do you expect her to continue to love you now that you don't care about how she feels?
How long do you think you will stay in the marriage? If she plied you with all the anal sex your wanted would you love her again?
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Re: Wifes previous anal sex and my jealousy 
