UCanTalk

I've been reading up on emotional needs in relationships. It seems most men rank sex as their number one need. I know in my own 25 year marriage our mismatched libidos has been a source of our biggest conflict. I need it, she doesn't.

If a man is getting all the sex he needs (and wants) in his primary relationship, is that enough to stop him straying? Or does even sex become routine and boring after a while and his eye will still wander?

Cherry

Good question. I was wondering this myself just the other day. For our situation, I'd say sex was the motivater for my H to check out personals (can't prove he ever hooked up, but he was replying/responding a lot). It was shortly after the birth of our babies and then again after my stroke. He told our MC it was for attention, so maybe it was mix or sexual attention.
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txhunter54

For guys, sex is both an emotional and physical need. Guys need sex to feel connected emotionally to their partner. Without it, their emotional needs are not being met. When emotional needs are not being met, they can start to consider other ways to have their needs met.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My first husband yes. Even with being a serial cheater he wasn't getting enough, plus he was addicted to porn and everything else.

My husband now, no way! I fully trust him. He would never put himself in a position to cheat!

It fully depends on the man. Women cheat too, so it goes both ways.
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Cherry

Yep, that's my H. The babies came and all eyes on me and my babies.... The stroke - again all eyes on me. He was not getting any attention and our sex life was gone for a little while. I think what made our situation so bad too is that my H attention span is very short. He has been working on that core issue. Maybe he can put up with longer than 2 weeks without sex should medical issue occur again. Sorry for the tangent, I really have been thinking about this exact thing lately!
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Havesomethingtosay

I say yes..... When you take out serial cheaters and narcissists, that I am convinced is the #1 reason.

A happy loving sex filled home life and who wants for more. I'll add being a shallow male, a spouse who looks and stays in as good a shape as on her wedding day.

ScaredandUnsure

I don't know, I had an ex who cheated on me for our entire relationship and there was no lack in sex. But then again, he is/was a sociopath and it was always about him. That and he was a total failure in life.

FirstYearDown

Lack of sex is one of the most common reasons for a man to cheat.

What makes me laugh is wives who constantly refuse sex, yet they get so angry when their men cheat. Uh, hello? What the hell do they expect?

People who don't like sex need to stay single.

okeydokie

yes. i have never cheated, and probably never will. i am compelled to fantasize about other women when i am not getting attention from my wife. i become weak minded and IF i was ever presented with the opportunity, it could happen.

conversely, if we happen to get on a hot streak (its rare) my focus is entirely on her and i cant wait to be with her again. and she is visibly happier and more vivacious. this is how i want my marriage to be. i dont know if she is just too stupid to see it or what.

Enchantment

Lack of sex, lack of attention, lack of attraction, boredom ... whatever ... they are all just excuses.

People cheat because they choose to - they choose to ignore, give up, or not work on the issues.

They choose to go the weak route of self-indulgence instead of the strong route of 'fix it' or 'get out'.

Ironic that the weak/easy route ends up costing a lot more and being a lot harder in the long run because it just compounds all of your problems. imho

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Zzyzx

Most cheating does not happen in a vacuum. It is easy to focus on the actual betrayal as it is the spectacularly overt breaking of the trust, but no picture of cheating is complete without the context behind it. Just check out any number of threads in the Infidelity forum and you will see a number of different contexts.

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FirstYearDown

While I believe that cheating is wrong, I cannot ignore the fact that BS certainly play a part in most cases.

Is there any "excuse" for being sexually closed off or emotionally distant in a marriage? Barring any mental or physical difficulties, I think not.

Some things are understandable even if they are wrong.

My father cheated on my mother. However, my mother was a screaming, insulting and miserable prude. She treated my father like garbage. He should have confronted the issues head on instead of cheating, but I also feel sorry for the poor man.

ScaredandUnsure

There is always the option of leaving the miserable relationship. There isn't any excuse to cheat. None.

SimplyAmorous

I am always bringing hormonal levels into these discussions, you will simply have to forgive me, I have read too much about it...statistically the HIGHER testosterone man will have more affairs & one night stands, it is a known fact... it is just more of a temptation for them, the magnet to steel intensity is HIGHER...

A man's beliefs & self controlled Integrity will show in how he deals with these things -if he goes over the edge (and hides or comes clean) , or STOPS it in it's tracks.... many NEED to be able to look themselves in the mirror every day .

The Higher test men are more antsy, they often can indulge in the physical without any care for the emotional -which puts them again... higher at risk .....their need for sex is very very high, they also get bored easier, and crave more variety. It is a part of Testosterone's curse.

Even as a woman, I encountered those feelings for 8 months straight, for the 1st time in my life , I felt , had my husband NOT been there for me, I really think if I was in a tempting situation, I could have FELL. Now coming from me, the type of marraige I have, this is HUGE, it was a very scary thought....I NEVER in all of my 40 yrs 'felt' that way before - and it was all HORMONAL, it affected my brain. Thankfully, he was there for me in every way!

Now my husband is a Lower test men, he is the "born to be faithful type" ... he also NEEDS the emotional connection in sex -even if he was suffering a sexual drought for yrs.. sure that would be hell on him, but HE would be able to withstand it (so he tells me )... A higher test male ....he is more aggressive, he'd go LITERALLY Crazy under those circumstances, cause fights, ANGER unleashed, he would have to divorce, or a chance he would fall into something he shouldn't have. (I am more like this over my husband)

Other issues like:

1. What "quality" of sex is happening at home... if the wife is only indulging in Pity sex, he is going to feel that, and hate it eventually...start fantasizing about another & how it might be.

2. If the marraige is near sexless, I pity the man, he should divorce her, why live your life in frustration & pain.

3. Has some hard core porn warped his sense of enjoyment & he is continually seeking new novelty...his fantasies may want to take on reality.


4. Physical attraction can also play a role for many men..

5. Any unresolved resentment creeped into the marraige. If it is near sexless or pity sex, I am sure the resentment is raging.

Speaking of the Emotional Connection..... Is he the type that craves the emotional connection along with sex....If so and he is getting this at home with his wife , even if not as much as he wants - then sex won't get boring, he will just want more of it... but if the emotional connection is NOT there,lacking terribly... he may be tempted to seek it out somewhere else....

Talk about these things openly with your wife....and please each other.... and attitude & enthusiam can never be underestimated in these things .... learn what each partner needs & desires, don't make any excuses, if you don't understand your partners higher drive, you better get clued in, cause those feelings just don't go away. I always find it Heartbreaking to hear a man come to this site and literally ask if he should be castrated or to find a pill to lower his sex drive, I would like to clobber those wives.

Get this book.... It has questions & worksheets to do together - helps see if you can reconcile ....& remain happy within a marraige - if the libidos are too far off.

Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books

It has chapters on the 10 Libido types listed.....

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive

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hookares

Reasons for cheating depend on each individual I never cheated during my 20 year marriage simply because I valued my word. This in spite of finding out nearing the end that my ex who had deprived me of a normal sex life or even compassion had been doing so for years.
I see many women accuse men on this board of "disliking" women or even "hating" them because of actions by their ex's.
I will admit to harboring enough distrust that I'm very cautious with the women I see now days.
I find it strange that my sex life has improved by leaps and bounds now that I'm single and can either take it or leave it.