txhunter54

Had a talk with my wife about a number of topics. One was her not wanting to give me oral sex and not wanting me to give her oral sex either. Regarding bj's, she said she was brought up that "good girls don't". For me giving her oral, she said that after she had a female procedure to stop abnormal menstrual bleeding a number of years ago, she no longer wants it done on her. WTF?

Any help or thoughts?

that_girl

Some women don't like having someone down there. I don't. I don't know why, I just don't. No big deal...I like a lot of things. If Hubs wants to do it, ok fine, but I don't get much pleasure at the moment...don't know why, don't care.

I do love giving bjs though

But she's right, good girls were brought up not to do such things. I don't know how to break it.

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MEM11363

Your W seems to have a low "desire to please you". This is not a lust/lack of lust issue. It is a type of marital love that trumps everything else. While she "may" have a good girls don't belief, it is also true that she has successfully gotten away with deprioritzing you for a LONG, LONG time.

My guess - this is just one more in a long line of excuses she has given you for not wanting to bother with any form of sex if she can possibly get away with it.

Diolay

It could be too that many people are brought up with the genetals being dirty. That could be what the real mental block is.

If I may for a moment look at it this way. Lets liken it to food for example. We think of eating ****roaches as being somewhat disgusting. However, in some cultures, they serve them on a stick and give them to their children like lollies. They love them.

Maybe it's the same thing with oral sex!

Food for thought.... Hehehehehe

that_girl

Maybe she is nervous about doing it as well?? It's nerve wracking to do it the first few times, wondering if you're doing it right.

I don't know...it is an excuse to say "good girls don't"...cause lord knows we all have some bad girl in us

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Enchantment

Hi tx~

Haven't heard from you for awhile.

Well, at least your wife gave you some answers instead of her usual "I don't know."

Sexual inhibitions and repressions are real demons for some people to try and overcome. They have to WANT to overcome them before they can.

Does your wife WANT to try and overcome these inhibitions? Are these new/recent, or she's always been unwilling/unable to engage in oral sex? Would she be willing to so some much milder things to start out with?

I know how hard these inhibitions can be to overcome, I have had to overcome a number of them in our marriage and am still a work in progress.

Just recently, like 3 months ago, I had to have some gynecological surgery done (one of the procedures may even have been what your wife had done), and for some reason afterward I was very traumatized by it all. Something about having someone work "down there" for several hours, the pain involved afterward, everything - it was like I had PTSD afterward.

And, actually women can get traumatized by these kinds of things - even by childbirth - and they just may not want to be messed around with anymore. It makes you feel like your body isn't your own and you want it back and want to protect it. And the sad thing is, that as women pull back from being touched and sex, the less likely they are to want it, and the harder it is for them to re-engage in it. It becomes a vicious cycle. That is why I am trying very hard to re-engage with my husband in all the ways that we did before.

So, where does that leave you? Well, again, were you able to discuss where to go from here? Is your wife willing to work on things or not? If not, what do you think you would do?

Best wishes.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

txhunter54

She is willing to work on some things. But, right now, oral is off the table. As before, she thinks things are better and i think they are not so good. I'm trying to get her to enjoy exploring me as i feel that I'm doing all the foreplay.

MEM11363

Exactly my point. If she was making a real effort - just using her hands during foreplay - you wouldn't be so distressed.


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txhunter54

Enchantment,

She has always refused to give me a bj. But, she used to enjoy me giving her oral. That changed for some reason after she had that female procedure. No idea what caused the change in view on me giving her oral.

dubbizle

I thought that was the saying before women got married.Did she give you BJs before you got married? and seemed to like doing it or did you know this going in.

How about wearing a rubber when she is doing it,yes it will not feel as good but maybe she will think its so unclean with a rubber on,they have the flavored ones so look into it.

Anubis

Apologize in advance if this comes off too harsh or off base:

It sounds like she's been calling all the shots regarding intimacy in your relationship, and you've given in to her, not wanting to cause problems and thinking supporting her would be the way to improve things. (how did that go?)

After so many years she's probably super comfortable and secure with what she has. It sounds like she thinks everything is fine, because she doesn't have any significant needs not getting met... and you... apparently your needs don't matter to her. Thus the disconnect in perspective that you mentioned. If you've been going round and round forever trying to talk things through and 'work on it' but getting nowhere, then it's not likely something in the same vein will make a breakthrough. So it may take you significantly withdrawing from her and the thereat (in her mind, doesn't have to be actual) of you going away/leaving to get her to out of her comfort zone and willing to see that your needs are going to have to matter in the future.

Sawney Beane

You can't. She can, but only if she wants to. Some people are happier not questioning or addressing their own beliefs.

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Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...

tjohnson

I agree with enchantment on all counts.
For my wife she has fears of not feeling "fresh" dispite my assuring her that this is not/has not ever been a problem. For her too she recieves more pleasure from intercourse, she her motor is faster to get started (and finished)than mine so she likes to get to the main event. On the other hand my wife for the most part love to give me head.

I believe most women don't give bjs because they are under the impression that they are rare and not performed by most women except. I think you will also find depending on where you live that this may have some truth to it. For example i used to live in a small town where the overwhelming women i dated from thought BJs were gross my requests were met with resistance. The idea of cumming in the mouth was at best a man's fantasy that only occurred in the movies. Issues like this and their hangups are passed between friends from parents. Etc.

It was not until i dated women outside of my area that i learned that for many women BJ's were not only done frequently but, expected on some level. Girls just grew up that these were a natural part of human sexuality. They therefore did not begrudge giving them or feel that is was something unreasonable or gross. Like the analogy of cultures who eat ants presented earlier...

You ask her why she is against it and deal with it that way. Perhaps she has a misconception about it. Maybe she thinks you will think less of her....not sure. Curious to hear what she says.

I think at the bottom of all the excuses it is likely a lack of willingness to try something that she knows will make you happy. I mean really..it is not 1950....

Covertx

What parent goes around saying "daughter, make sure you didn't give any boys oral today ". I don't understand how someone could be brought up to think performing oral sex was frowned upon. I can understand being brought up with the understanding that sexual acts in general were a thing only to be shared by married couples, and that sexual acts until that point were frowned upon, but how so specific?

This sounds like an excuse to me. If she doesn't sexually enjoy you giving her oral, then you should respect that and overall don't waiste your time. Sex is supposed to be about both of you getting pleasure right. But I wouldn't buy that she just was raised that good girls don't perform oral sex. I'm curious now, did she perform oral on you before you two were married?

txhunter54

Covertx,

No, no oral before marriage.