Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and are currently separated. He had an EA with a chick he met on Facebook who lives in Lebanon (no sex of any kind). Our sex life has not suffered until recently. He has not been able to finish for the last month, and we have tried multiple times. He has feelings for this chick, but has cut all contact off with her for over a month. He however is not in love with me right now, and has said he is purposely not having any feelings so he can "find himself". He says sex does not feel good, and has no desire whatsoever for any kind of sex. Has anyone else gone through this? Is it a mental thing or is it just me? Any advice is appreciated.
When you say the OW lives in Lebanon, do you mean the country?
It's not unusual for a person who withdraw sexually during or after an affair, even an EA.
If you are trying to fix your marriage, you might want to start by spending as much time together as possible doing date-like things... even things as simple as going for a walk holding hands, sitting around sipping tea together and just talking about feel-good things. Date nights once a week or so are good to. Try to get 15 hours a week together.
Yep, Lebanon as in the middle freaking east. I am having a really hard time with it to say the least.
I want so badly to do those kinds of things, but he thinks until he fixes himself and figures out what he needs to make himself happy he needs to stay neutral towards me.
We are in marriage counseling twice a week though, however the counselor keeps calling her a "friend" and wont put much emphasis on the EA.
Yep, it is very unlikely they will ever meet, but I don't think he realizes that yet.
I will read that book. I keep wondering why I am desperately trying to hold on to someone who has hurt me so badly. Sex was the only thing left between us besides our kids, and now it is gone too
Yep, it is very unlikely they will ever meet, but I don't think he realizes that yet.
I will read that book. I keep wondering why I am desperately trying to hold on to someone who has hurt me so badly. Sex was the only thing left between us besides our kids, and now it is gone too
Sometimes life just sucks... it's the truth.
But maybe you can put this all back together and have something better than you had before. One person can change a marriage. When one person changes, the other has to in response. Now you cannot control how they change, but change will happen. Sounds like it could not get much worse then it is right now... so up might be the only way it can go.
If you get the book, don't let him see it.. he'll most likely fight you the whole way if he gets wind of what you are up to.
Sorry you are going through this. Have you thought about physical issues? Does he have low testosterone? I am guessing that you are around 40, so that is not out of the question.
I am sure it is not you. Things wouldn't change that quickly.
I actually mentioned to him last night that I would like him to go to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. He is only 32 though, and I am 31. Don't know if that is too young or not for that.
I half think he is going through a mid-life crisis, but I think he is way too young for that too.
I actually mentioned to him last night that I would like him to go to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. He is only 32 though, and I am 31. Don't know if that is too young or not for that.
I half think he is going through a mid-life crisis, but I think he is way too young for that too.
I don't think it is too young for a mid-life crisis. I personally think that mid-life crises have more to do with the age of the children rather than the parent, but you should be careful that he doesn't latch on to some 'syndrome' or 'crisis' as an excuse. He has to get this sorted out.
If you are open about masturbation ask him about his technique. I had a problem finishing a few years back and I got some advice on my masturbation technique and it sorted my sex life out within a week.
It turns out that some men slowly increase the strength of their grip until they are unable to orgasm with the 'grip' that their wife's vagina has. I changed my grip and held off on masturbation a bit and things came back, nice and strong.
He doesn't even have the desire to masturbate, and never has done it in the past. I have never been able to get him to finish that way either. He just does not have the desire for sex at all.
After his EA that was the only connection we had, and now that is gone as well. I want so badly to help him fix this, but maybe it is not my place to do so.
He however is not in love with me right now, and has said he is purposely not having any feelings so he can "find himself".
This sentence bothers me. It doesn't sound like something a guy would naturally say. I don't know how one purposely avoid feelings either. I'm not much help. Sorry.
has this been somewhat of an issue you whole relationship?
I would start working on yourself. do what he is doing find yourself be aloof and not appear too needy for his love. don't be mean or rude just aloof and if he starts to come around then start trying again.
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Re: My husband cannot finish?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom_of_3
He doesn't even have the desire to masturbate, and never has done it in the past. I have never been able to get him to finish that way either.
Wives don't always know. Husbands can be very discrete about this, and often are because of the embarassment it can create with them and this goes back to stigmas from when they were in school. I'm not saying he is, but don't just discount it.
Edit: If he really has NO sexual outlet and no desire, then my thought is that he really needs to be checked medically, including for depression.
Wives don't always know. Husbands can be very discrete about this, and often are because of the embarassment it can create with them and this goes back to stigmas from when they were in school. I'm not saying he is, but don't just discount it.
times have changed when I was in high school if you admitted to masterbating you were called a fag.
now its tought that most people do it and its even healthy.
My husband cannot finish? 
