Young Married Couple Boring Sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-07-2012, 10:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Background
We are a young married couple. I'm in my late 20's and she's in her early 30's. We have been married for two years and together for seven, with minor 'typical' marriage woes. We are both, in one way or another, workaholics. We are financially well off and we are viewed by our peers as the 'ideal' couple.

Problem
I'm not sure if it's due to our nature of being workaholics, but there's been spurts in our relationship where we would have a 'dry spell'. The worst was last year when we went without sex for six months. The excitement, at least for me, is gone. Sex seems too mechanical, predictable and mundane. Our relationship outside of sex is great. Enough for us to have previously discussed this issue. Her response seems to be that she's tired, or she doesn't know how or why she acts the way she does. Since we're at this juncture, I must say that I've had only two partners in my life, and I am her only one. I've tried to explain to her what gets me going, but when I ask for her to reciprocate, she just plainly doesn't know. It gets frustrating at times that I even think of letting her explore with other men so that she figures out what she likes and what she doesn't. I am a big believer in that sex is as much a mental stimulation as it is a physical one. It seems as though everytime we have sex, I have to be the initiator. On rare occasions when she does seem to initiate, it's so passive that it just puts me off. It wasn't always like this. But then again, now that the honeymoon haze has cleared, it could be that I am now noticing that we may not be sexually compatable.

I would be more than willing to disclose more about the relationship, without rambling on about in my original post, but please, I need help. I love my wife, and love our relationship. But, our sexual relationship is driving me away from her. Please help!
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Seems to be that it's not a matter of "experience" from her side but more a matter of "desire". The idea of her experimenting with other guys should go right OUT the window. NOTHING good can or will come from that.

My guess is that what you're feeling is more that SHE'S not into YOU as much as she was during the honeymoon period. Maybe she feels the same way about you? Maybe the fact that YOU always initiate takes away her desire to be with you. Basically you're willing to go whenever and she apparently does NOT find that desirable.

Maybe she's stressed over the fact that she doesn't initiate and you have brought that up to her. Not very likely that she feels all hot and bothered when she first needs to think, "initiate first". Sounds almost robotic and you end up getting robotic sex.
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Old 02-07-2012, 10:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

I would not recommend you opening up the relationship. Sounds like an extremly drastic option. I would suggest finding some couples sexual movies. Watch it together. She doesn't have to have sex with others to be able to experience new things. I don't have any I can suggest personnally. I believe there are instructional movies out there, as well as all the other regular couples porn. With instructional I would assume they could help direct you two to try different positions, experiences and then you can run with it, or if that doesn't sound appealing, watching couples porn could just give her/you some different ideas on things to try.
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Maybe the other option is to nail her as hard as you would nail that girl at your job you fantasize about. Maybe taking her down and owning that p#$%@ like the man that you are would make you feel better and make her want to get nailed more.

Every action has a reaction!
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alittlefunnnn View Post
Seems to be that it's not a matter of "experience" from her side but more a matter of "desire". The idea of her experimenting with other guys should go right OUT the window. NOTHING good can or will come from that.

My guess is that what you're feeling is more that SHE'S not into YOU as much as she was during the honeymoon period. Maybe she feels the same way about you? Maybe the fact that YOU always initiate takes away her desire to be with you. Basically you're willing to go whenever and she apparently does NOT find that desirable.

Maybe she's stressed over the fact that she doesn't initiate and you have brought that up to her. Not very likely that she feels all hot and bothered when she first needs to think, "initiate first". Sounds almost robotic and you end up getting robotic sex.
Thank you very much for your response.

Regarding my first comment about her experimenting with other guys, I suppose the purpose of me disclosing that tidbit is to show that I am that helpless in resolving this matter. Furthermore, I understand that no good can come of taking such drastic measures but, I am open to suggestions.

We've previously discussed about the transition after the 'honeymoon' stage. Believe it or not, we're very objective in our approach to resolving matters in our relationship. We have both acknowledged that sooner or later we knew that the 'high' will wear off and that ultimately, we'll have to work on our relationship. I have to be honest and say that I did not consider her being affected by me bringing up the fact that she never initiates. I can understand how that can negatively impact her since she is VERY subconcious of her appearance and how people perceive her. But, I brought it up because it was eating at me for a good while. It's frustrating to find yourself in a situation where the relationship that you value very much, with the women you love is taking a wrong turn because I am not being mentally stimulated sexually. I hate to be blunt, but her way of initiating is rubbing her head on my stomach and giving me a puppy dog look. It pains me to say it, but I don't find that attractive at all.
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Covertx View Post
I would not recommend you opening up the relationship. Sounds like an extremly drastic option. I would suggest finding some couples sexual movies. Watch it together. She doesn't have to have sex with others to be able to experience new things. I don't have any I can suggest personnally. I believe there are instructional movies out there, as well as all the other regular couples porn. With instructional I would assume they could help direct you two to try different positions, experiences and then you can run with it, or if that doesn't sound appealing, watching couples porn could just give her/you some different ideas on things to try.
Thank you for your input.

We've tried watching porn together, but We haven't watched any instructional video, which may be an option. The result with porn has been a typical 'passive' approach. She's commented saying how porn is unrealistic (which it may be), and I can tell it makes her uncomfortable. The biggest problem I have is the lack of creativity and excitement; spontaneity. It's gone right out the window. Positions for us isn't really much of a problem it's the lack of stimulation and exploration.
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alittlefunnnn View Post
Maybe the other option is to nail her as hard as you would nail that girl at your job you fantasize about. Maybe taking her down and owning that p#$%@ like the man that you are would make you feel better and make her want to get nailed more.

Every action has a reaction!
I would love to! Like I previously mentioned, she's very subconcious of her appearance, and DATY is very rare. She doesn't like me 'being down there'. And before we get to the critiques, I would be the first to admit that being a typical guy, it could be very well the possibility that I may be doing it wrong. Now that the caveat is out of the way, she stops me when she's enjoying it. Her body responds, but she says it's too much pleasure. I can understand that perhaps I can try to read into it more, but if we all just took at face value, she doesn't like me to play with her, she hides her body (and there's no reason to), and her method of initiating is passive. I would as you say 'go to town' but there's no foreplay, if any its with her twins.

I don't know if this last tidbit of information is valuable, but time length of sex is also another issue. Oddly enough, I prefer longer, she doesn't. She says after awhile it just hurts. This implies many things: not enough foreplay, MENTAL and physical stimulation, desire, such and so forth. Please let me know what your thoughts are.
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Old 02-07-2012, 12:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

My thoughts are that you are WANTING and not TAKING. There is a great difference between WANTING something and going after something and TAKING it!

IMHO she doesn't want longer sex sessions because she's not mentally put in her place by YOU. YOU need to act outside of the bedroom like the alpha that you WANT to be treated as. You WANT her to initiate in a way that YOU find exciting but do little besides wanting it to MAKE IT happen.

Take charge. The main problem here I see is that you spend a lot of energy and thought into how you can get this and get that but put little energy into making sure you get what YOU feel you DESERVE.

Also instead of asking her to initiate more and putting that stress on her BEFORE sex, take the initiative to be different romantically. Don't wait for her to initiate the normal roll over in the morning. Instead maybe surprise her by dropping some rose petals in the walkway into the house. Let her follow those to your bedroom and lay out an outfit you want her in. Doesn't have to be lingerie. Actually it's better if it isn't. Make it one of her hotter looking work or going out outfits. Tell her to put it on. Then tell her to drop to her knees and to perform oral on you. Don't be rude or TOO aggressive! Be assertive. You can take it from there!

Be a MAN. A real MAN does not wait for things to happen to him. HE makes them happen!
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Old 02-07-2012, 12:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

I forgot to mention.

The purpose of the non lingerie outfit and the dress up outfit is because the next time she wears that outfit she'll think of the time you told her to put it on and what happened after that!

She'll associate that outfit with sex with YOU. She'll think about it that day and remember what a STUD you were. She'll think of sex and think that YOU have no idea that she's thinking about sex. Then when she gets home maybe SHE'LL surprise you.

It's all a mind frame! Act as if! You reap what you sow. You act like a wet blanket and you get treated like one.

The hardest part about this is not taking it TOO far. Remember be assertive but not TOO aggressive. It all depends on the dynamics of your relationship.
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Old 02-07-2012, 12:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

Get the Married Man's Sex Life. A great resource in helping get the attraction back up.
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Old 02-07-2012, 12:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

A couple of suggestions for you (from someone married 39 years):
1. Get a copy of "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" from this site:
Married Man Sex Life

2. Realize the most women have what is called "responsive desire." Read about it here:
do you know when you want it? | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::

It used to bother me that my wife rarely initiated or even thought about sex. After reading things like MMSL and the other article, I decided that I needed to get over it. So now, I don't ask, I just go for it. She rarely turns me down, and 95% of the time has a great orgasm.

3. In reading the book "Discovering Your Couple Sexual style" we realized that, although there are times that the sex is really hot, most of the time it is just good. That is OK. We not have orgasms, we both get our needs met, and live is good.

4. Get a copy of the book Amazon.com: Your Long Erotic Weekend: Four Days of Passion for a Lifetime of Magnificent Sex (0080665306143): Lana L Holstein, David J Taylor: Books along with the CD and plan a 4 day getaway together.

Sure, the honeymoon is over. But for us the sex is way better now than it was 38 years ago! IM me if I can help.
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The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
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Old 02-07-2012, 01:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

I suspect a big part of this is her lack of experience sexually. Apparently she was a virgin before you. Is it possible now that the newness (with you and with sex overall) has worn out she finds her drive has worn off?

Me thinks MC is in order, plus maybe IC for her in case she has some sexual baggage. If you guys did not meet until she was 25, than that's a long time to be a virgin. It would be nice to think that she really is that bound to her morals, really wanting to have sex but committing to waiting for her husband. It's very possible that she has baggage that is dampening her desire.

She needs to learn that (1) sex is inherently good and there are no dirty acts between a husband and wife and (2) sex is an essential element of marriage - necessary to maintain that bond; having sex on the basis of "when do I want it" and "what do I want to do" are marital poison.

Only after she gets that can you guys work on your sexual relationship openly.
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:33 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Young Married Couple Boring Sex

I greatly appreciate all your responses. Furthermore, they all seem to have a legitimate point.

Alittlefunnnn,
Your advice is something that I needed to hear. There are some truths to what you have mentioned and it does sound quite exciting. But, I find it difficult to imagine her being as spontaneous as you would predict her to be so. But, it's worth a try. I will give it a go.

Tall Average Guy & Romantic_Guy,
Thank you for your suggestions. It looks like they are worth the read. The 'responsive desire' piece is really interesting and it does keep things in perspective. One problem that I am facing is that when I do 'go for it' I feel like I get rejected. It results in very little or no response. That's the other half of it I suppose I forgot to mention. Perhaps, I need to pick up one of those books to review.

Once again, thanks for all your inputs.
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Old 02-15-2012, 01:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow. Your post describes our relationship to a T! My husband cares about sex I don't at all. We have been married 2years. I am 27 and he is 31. He and I are attractive, together we make 300K per year. We have no financial issues and no kids (thank God)

I am very energetic and so is he but when it comes to sex I'm out on that one- BORING!!!!!!

Here is how I think...

Before we got married I knew I would lose all sexual interest and desire for him. So we came to an agreement that I would put out, no questions asked 3 times a week. Big mistake on my husband's part for agreeing to this (although he said he didn't think it was going to be so bad because I was fine in bed while we were dating). Well it is working so so. I do get annoyed that I have to have sex when I don't want to but figure it's part of the whole marriage thing.

My friends can't believe I do this. If you knew me, by looking at me you would think I'm a tiger in bed. I'm very attractive and care how I look. I love to dance hence I was professional dancer. Only thing is I'm not a tiger in bed and sometimes categorize myself as asexual (especially now that I'm married). I am a very logical person and hardly emotional. Romantic gestures, porn, etc does not make me horny at all! I know what makes me horny and it's impossible to get while being married....

I'm interested in sex at the beginning of a relationship...I would say the first 3-6 months then I begin to lose interest. This started after I turned 24years. To tell you the truth after a bit....sex is the same with everyone. The passion wears off and so does my sex drive....but it doesn't bother me actaully. I find other things more fun like shopping, traveling, etc. It's just that my husband doesn't function that way. He does care about sex...blah!

another factor that I don't like sex is that I see him every single day! I don't get how you can possibly get horny when you see the person every day.

I have told him that I don't get horny from him ever because I see his **** wayyyy too much. There is no room for desire at all. He said okay then when would you want it? I said considering the fact that I see your face every single day I would want it 1-2 times a month. He said he cant do that so we are still sticking to the 3 times a week where I just lay there and he tells me what position...LOL. I can't believe he would rather have sex with me not being interested then jerking off. I tell him to go do that and leave me alone LOL.

what do you think? LIke your wife I'm tame in bed too and don't like my husband going down on me. It's not because I'm ashame of sex or my body. It's because I don't like to feel out of control! I'm a control freak only when it comes to myself. I have had two orgasms and I never want to have them again!

Also I am resentful over the fact that my husband uses me to get himself off, that's how I see it. We might have to renegotiate the agreement. He doesn't like jerking off which has made it my problem and now I have to have sex with him 3 times a week!!! for the most part I can deal with that.

Last edited by Nina23; 02-15-2012 at 01:15 PM.
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Old 02-15-2012, 01:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina23 View Post
Wow. Your post describes our relationship to a T! My husband cares about sex I don't at all. We have been married 2 years. I am 27 and he is 31.

Here is how I think...

Before we got married I knew I would lose all sexual interest and desire for him. So we came to an agreement that I would put out, no questions asked 3 times a week. Big mistake on my husband's part for agreeing to this (although he said he didn't think it was going to be so bad because I was fine in bed while we were dating). Well it is working so so. I do get annoyed that I have to have sex when I don't want to but figure it's part of the whole marriage thing.

My friends can't believe I do this. If you knew me, by looking at me you would think I'm a tiger in bed. I'm very attractive and care how I look. I love to dance hence I was professional dancer. Only thing is I'm not a tiger in bed and sometimes categorize myself as asexual (especially now that I'm married). I am a very logical person and hardly emotional. Romantic gestures, porn, etc does not make me horny at all! I know what makes me horny and it's impossible to get while being married....

I'm interested in sex at the beginning of a relationship...I would say the first 3-6 months then I begin to lose interest. This started after I turned 24years. To tell you the truth after a bit....sex is the same with everyone. The passion wears off and so does my sex drive....but it doesn't bother me actaully. I find other things more fun like shopping, traveling, etc. It's just that my husband doesn't function that way. He does care about sex...blah!

another factor that I don't like sex is that I see him every single day! I don't get how you can possibly get horny when you see the person every day.

I have told him that I don't get horny from him ever because I see his **** wayyyy too much. There is no room for desire at all. He said okay then when would you want it? I said considering the fact that I see your face every single day I would want it 1-2 times a month. He said he cant do that so we are still sticking to the 3 times a week where I just lay there and he tells me what position...LOL. I can't believe he would rather have sex with me not being interested then jerking off. I tell him to go do that and leave me alone LOL.

what do you think? LIke your wife I'm tame in bed too and don't like my husband going down on me. It's not because I'm ashame of sex or my body. It's because I don't like to feel out of control! I'm a control freak only when it comes to myself. I have had two orgasms and I never want to have them again!

Also I am resentful over the fact that my husband uses me to get himself off, that's how I see it. We might have to renegotiate the agreement. He doesn't like jerking off which has made it my problem and now I have to have sex with him 3 times a week!!! for the most part I can deal with that.
So why did you get married to him? Why would you want to be with some one that you clearly are not attracted to? Did you make clear that the sex three times a week would be you just laying there? If you love him, why would you do that to your husband?
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