Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
Hi salvation ~
I think the important point is that you need to be able to do things with and for your husband because you desire to - because you desire to grow together, because you desire to grow in intimacy.
If you are doing things out of a sense of insecurity or a sense of fear, then you set yourself up for going down an unsustainable, destructive path.
One thing that you can work on is your own self-confidence. A great book that I read periodically regarding sexual confidence is the following:
Oh, and I wouldn't believe much of anything that is in Cosmo, and your husband shouldn't believe much of anything that is in porn. See if you two can find your OWN path to walk down together.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
I send pics of myself to my wife when she's at work, she said sometimes she has to run to the bathroom and masturbate but then gets home and is still hot from it, or I'll write some erotica and include her as my heroine and instill her favorite fantasies in there and when she reads it, she's hot as hell and ready to go, it's quite invigorating
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
Salvation - You are not the only one in that situation - it is a very uncomfortable feeling if you have never been the bold one before. but i will say this...after i got brave one day and simply sent a text that said.. I really enjoyed the sensation of your touch last night... (i know rated G compared to Cosmo) but he came home all smiles. A couple of days later i sent a picture of me biting a grape popsicle with text that said thinking of you... and oh man he was happy.. i was deeply blushed and couldnt believe i did it..but it has made things fun again not routine. But enchantment is right you have to be comfortable... and think i will download the books
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
Don't give up Salvation.... no matter your age, you can come into your Seductress, it is all about inspiration, you adore your husband, you are highly attracted... it is all in the learning and becoming educated... I had inhibitions, mine were more of a religious nature, the Good Girl syndrome thing, I shattered them all .... Some ideas...
6. Buy some new lingerie to entice.. this is alot of fun, do a photo shoot - Surprise him in heels , cook his breakfast some morning if no kids in the house, welcome him home in some new lingerie, push him down on the bed & start taking his clothes off, start kissing his chest & working your way down as you unbottom him & unzip.
7 FLIRT...this is your husband, the only person in the world we have that freedom. If any words can be taken "dirty" -run with it, tease, tempt, give each other those "eyes" of lust. These things keep us feeling young, passionate & very alive unto our lovers.
8. Touching should be like a gravitational pull to your man, he wants his woman to do this freely and often.... if you sit next to him, run your hands down his stomach, a little below, if you feel an erection -take care of him, if you are out & about, tell him how you can't wait to get him all alone. You can have alot of fun in a darkened movie theater, act like teens again.
9. Laugh together, make fun of each other even. Laughter is so very important, it lifts our spirits unto each other.
10. Dance together... put on some Mushy love songs & get sensually close ....or put on some "Pour some Sugar on Me' or "She shook me all night long" and move your body up & down him , show him a side to you that he has never seen before!
11. A list of books that may help you on your journey....
12. And the big E ... Enthusiam... your husband craves your enthusiam above all else. (this is often what they see in porn -much of the turn on for men).
For some inspiration compliments of ThreeTimesAlady ..her words...
Quote:
Sex is desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. Sex is having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. Sex is waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. Sex is finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. Sex is turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
Now. Love is being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. Love is having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. Love is being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. Love is being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. Love is being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . Love is the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. Love is being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.
.... -Her most popular thread here full of wisdom , she is one wife who didn't come into her sexual awakening till her 50's and enjoys helping younger women find this in themselves (I feel the same)...
Location: On a clear day, I can see Mt. Rainier ... but you can't count on the days to be clear here ...
Posts: 1,860
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
Thanks mjones. Im feeling a bit overwhelmed though as I purused literotica and just so happened to see Cosmopolitain this month has hot and new 50 sex tips. Im almost in tears because its just not who I am, the things the women are writing that they do? They must be young assertive hotties and Im not. Im not unattractive, but I also wouldnt call myself a hottie who does swirly things or all the things mentioned in there. I cannot compete!
I can hear your discomfort, so let me start out with this: What you are saying is YOUR perception of yourself. This may not bear any semblace whatsoever of your husband's perception of you. He may think you're the hottest thing on two legs, or that you're just the nearest and dearest thing to his heart. You also are thinking you need to go from where you are to where they are in one night. I think that would be unreasonable.
Obviously, talk to your husband. It may be that he is just telling you things like "Pay me some more attention, please." It could be that he just wants you to touch him more in sexual ways and not act like you're afraid of him, or act like you think some things about him just turn you off. If you've always been passive and always expected him to be in the lead, you might be surprised at how he's always perceived that. You don't have to start off like you have 20 years of experience at this - you can break down the inhibitions one at a time, and as you do, and find one to be fun, you'll be much more ready to take the next step.
I would suggest you talk to him and take turns, though. I'm hearing in your posts that you like for him to be in charge. If he likes for you to be in charge sometimes (which is something I really like from my wife), then make a deal where one night is your turn, and the next night is his turn. Be enthusiastic when it's your turn, too. I gotta tell you, it's a HUGE turn-on when a wife is into her husband and enthusiastic, and it touches us deeply.
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
I guess this is why porn wins out and destroys marriages because most wives just cant do those things that husbands watch.
This may be true in some cases. I won't argue with this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
Im a confident woman, but not THAT kind of confident. No wonder marriage as the institution it once was is endangered as a "species." Who would want to get married when you have all these opportunities to meet many sex partners over the years and experience all these varieties!
Don't just project this onto your husband, though. Watching the porn could actually be a way of asking you to please loosen up a bit. I'm not going to speak for him, though, and I'm not going to say that's all right. Just find what it really is that excites him, but my thinking is that any attention you give to him, when it is enthusiastic, is going to be appreciated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
I am just venting because I cannot believe what sex has become just in the last few decades. What happened to just rolling around with each other when and where the mood strikes? Now there are all these "performances" that need to be done or you can move on and find a person that will do them if your current does not. Does anybody just fall in love and only love and lust after that person anymore or is everyone open to looking?
Long discussion here. I think it is more open now than it used to be, and possibly when people were in isolation, they spent a lot of time thinking they were "freaks" because they liked certain things. Now, one of the biggest values of sites like this is that you get to hear that other people are really not so different. They crave excitement and changing things up. Other wives like to watch their husbands masturbate (a lesson learned for me - helped me get past an inhibition), other wives like to hear their husbands make passionate noises when they are making love (another lesson learned for me). Maybe your lesson learned for right now is that other husbands also like thier wives to take the lead and be passionate and enthusiastic sometimes. It is something that can touch us deeply. I know when my wife does this, I know she's not just going along with me and submitting to me, but she is enthusiastic in pursuing me ... sometimes that just feels so nice. Actually, that feels WONDERFUL!
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
I have watched snipets of the porn, but my husband is the hottest most attractive man to me in the world and I want to please him, but Im terrified i cannot do these things with the same verve that these women write about them. Pick up the most recent copy if you want to read what I am talking about. maybe these things seem normal or boring to some people, but some of them oh my, are just too prostituty to me.
From someone who has been married for 27 years, is ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE with his wife, and who ONLY wants to be with his wife, let me ask you: Who says they are prostituty? Where does this idea come from? Are you charging him for sex? Of course, the answer is "no" on the last one ...
Who says you shouldn't be like that with your husband even? What would be wrong with it if you were? Would he not respect you in the morning? (Let me clue you in on the last one: NOT THE CASE ... you've much more likely given him something to remember you for the next day ... and OH HOW WE CAN REMEMBER that next day!!!! I know from experience!!!!) I'm not saying you need to go out and buy a trapeze, whip and chains today ... just gradually becoming more adventurous may be all he is looking for. He may just need to feel a little more enthusiasm to feel secure anymore. He may think you've lost interest in him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
I am just one of those older people that do not need to up the anty maybe because I dont watch porn on a regular basis and dont need to try out what is in there. I am happy with looking at my husband and touching him however the mood strikes, I dont want to feel like I have to make a performance to be sexy.
But this thing is mutual, right? You want what you want. Can you compromise in this area? and make it a little more exciting? Would your husband appreciate it if you did? Would you enjoy his enjoyment if you did?
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
Anyway, I hope what I can do is good enough because I would never want him to look for someone else to do these things. It makews me feel like if I dont do them, there is someone else out there that will and I dont like that marriage today has come to that. Divorce is willy nilly these days and it leaves what once used to be something you could count on not going away no matter what happens to something that can be left on a dime.
Im just venting my fears right now as I discover the new face of marriage that has porn in it vs what used to be.
I think you're spending so much time worrying on the negative side that you're missing the action you can take on the positive side. Take a different approach and take the lead first with yourself, then take it with your husband sometimes. Make a deal with him so he takes the lead sexually sometimes and meets the emotional need you have for him to desire you, but you reciprocate other times and YOU take the lead and let him know that you enthusiastically desire him. Enthusiasm makes a HUGE difference in married sex at the point I am in marriage. Taking the lead and taking it to him is one way you can show him your enthusiastic desire for him. If you've never done this, it may be that he has begun to view you as just passively submitting to him ... that would be SO FRUSTRATING after a while.
On the porn issue, it may be related, or it may be something that you have to address additionally. It may be that your marriage has never been what you thought it was. If it bothers you, then talk to him about it, and you may be able to make a deal with him telling him you will be more adventurous, but you need him to stop that, and make that your meeting point. I'd think the open communication would be a key to getting started on a resolution on this.
I've recently overcome some inhibitions I had to let me do some things my wife has wanted for years. It became very exciting to me after I got past the initial embarassment. I'm hoping it can be the same for you. Most of all, you're married, and nobody defines for you what is prostituty in your marriage, or even if prostituty between you and your husband is a bad thing.
I do know first hand how good it feels to have a wife who enthusiastically takes care of me, though. That enthusiasm with her in the lead touches me emotionally - it's not just a physical thing.
EDIT: Re-reading your original post, I see the part where you say you are blushing while writing. I'm sorry if I embarass you, but I try to talk straight and leave no doubt what I'm trying to say. Hopefully you can read in the spirit I wrote, and that was in a gentle and encouraging spirit - certainly not trying to be embarassing. We're all here to learn and the subject we're learning about is what it is.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
I think the most important thing is to be who YOU are.
No point trying to be someone else... that's not who your H fell in love with and married.
So yes bring new elements into your sex life but stay within your comfort zone. Nothing worse than feeling awkward or silly and trying to 'act' in a certain way that completey is out of nature for you.
I'm sure your hubby will appreciate any efforts you make... that your trying to be the very best W you can be for him.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
I think it is a stroke to the ego when your spouse initiates intimacy. If only one person initiates all the time, that person may feel like the other person is not as into it as they are, or as into their partner.
I know that I don't want to feel like my H is performing just because it is a duty or requirement of marriage. I want him to want to be with me and desire me. I think it is the same for a man, he wants to feel like his wife is into him and desires him.
You know I have been told many times that most men want the nice girl in public and the naughty girl in the bedroom. I believe that this basically means he wants a woman that isn't flirting and hanging all over every other guy, but has total release of inhibitions and is a passionate and sexual being with him.
I would talk with your husband and see what he is wanting from you specifically. He may just be wanting you to be a little more forward with your desire to be intimate so he is not the only one initiating, or he may be wanting you to step outside your comfort zone a bit and be a little more bold.
It is hard for a shy girl to be more brazen, but with complete trust and love, you have the safety of being able to broaden your horizons a little.
I send my husband texts during the day, letting him know that I am thinking about him and not necessarily all clean thoughts.
I text him to let him know that I am still thinking about another intimate encounter.
I have climbed into bed naked, that is a pretty forward suggestion of what is on my mind.
It is really up to you how forward you are willing to be. You could simply take his hand and lead him to the bedroom or begin kissing him passionately and then lead him off as well. Both of these are simple ways to be the initiator.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
You remind me a lot of my wife early in our marriage. She clung relentlessly to a similar opinion for years. It crushed me. Like you she believed "she couldn't compete", and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. She also refused to make fitness a part of her lifestyle for the same lame excuse... "produces no results."
On primetime TV, in movies, at the pool down the road, even walking down the street for crying out loud, I see women dressing in ways and exuding a confidence my wife couldn't possibly manage even behind closed doors. Even to a conservative, born-again Christian man like me, have you any idea how depressing this is?
A woman's confidence and seduction are quite simply, intoxicating. I needed my wife to "showcase" for me in certain ways, but she either felt too guilty, too modest, or too acclimated to her own ways. So even when I had said, "You know what would turn me on..." she'd react with indignation and lob a guilt trip over the proverbial fence. It wasn't like I was even asking for that much (believe it or not). All I can say... what dark nights those were.
Please don't misunderstand my point. I recognize your husband may be asking you for things most people would find either distasteful or unreasonable. IMO porn is not really helping your marriage at all. But I assure you, sensuality is within your grasp and is strategic to a passionate marriage.
"...cannot compete..." -- please don't buy into this lie.
-seahorse
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
Thanks mjones. Im feeling a bit overwhelmed though as I purused literotica and just so happened to see Cosmopolitain this month has hot and new 50 sex tips. Im almost in tears because its just not who I am, the things the women are writing that they do? They must be young assertive hotties and Im not. Im not unattractive, but I also wouldnt call myself a hottie who does swirly things or all the things mentioned in there. I cannot compete! I guess this is why porn wins out and destroys marriages because most wives just cant do those things that husbands watch. Im a confident woman, but not THAT kind of confident. No wonder marriage as the institution it once was is endangered as a "species." Who would want to get married when you have all these opportunities to meet many sex partners over the years and experience all these varieties!
I am just venting because I cannot believe what sex has become just in the last few decades. What happened to just rolling around with each other when and where the mood strikes? Now there are all these "performances" that need to be done or you can move on and find a person that will do them if your current does not. Does anybody just fall in love and only love and lust after that person anymore or is everyone open to looking? I have watched snipets of the porn, but my husband is the hottest most attractive man to me in the world and I want to please him, but Im terrified i cannot do these things with the same verve that these women write about them. Pick up the most recent copy if you want to read what I am talking about. maybe these things seem normal or boring to some people, but some of them oh my, are just too prostituty to me. I am just one of those older people that do not need to up the anty maybe because I dont watch porn on a regular basis and dont need to try out what is in there. I am happy with looking at my husband and touching him however the mood strikes, I dont want to feel like I have to make a performance to be sexy.
Anyway, I hope what I can do is good enough because I would never want him to look for someone else to do these things. It makews me feel like if I dont do them, there is someone else out there that will and I dont like that marriage today has come to that. Divorce is willy nilly these days and it leaves what once used to be something you could count on not going away no matter what happens to something that can be left on a dime.
Im just venting my fears right now as I discover the new face of marriage that has porn in it vs what used to be.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
I hope you and your husband are still together and managed to spice it up. For some reason a man likes that detached sex some times. I mean like treat him like a dude your just dating. Its the whole Madonna/ ***** complex. He sees you as this sacred being, the mother of his children. Sometimes you gotta flip the switch and just be Jenny from the block. Get rid of the kids 1 day, tell him to meet you at his favorite restaurant or someplace you guys used to hang out when you were dating. Check into a hotel room and do it like you used to before you really knew each other. Before the kids. Oh yeah but leading up to that day. you gotta tease everyday. The 1st day only show him affection, long kisses,long hugs, 2nd day I love you texts, pack his favorite lunch, make sure kids are out the way and you guys can watch a movie together when comes home from work,old school favorite(something that makes him think back to his younger days), At night more fondeling making out (no sex). By the time you guys finally get to it on your date night, he is going to be ready.
I call it back to the basics, you know your man, you dont need a porn. Make sure you guys have wine and all his and your favorite snacks in the room. Food goes a long way when it comes to 4 play.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
Im just saying those women on those porn flicks are not motivated to preform because they love their co stars that much. They are getting paid well, usually geeked up on pills, and those men are groomed very well and pumped on viagra and plucking like porn stars!!!! Its hard to get motivated with a man that does not want to wax the hair on his back or shave or eat some cherry pie before plowing through their wives!!! Man scape it and give good head men. Your wives will then perform like porn stars for you.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
So he wants you to be more aggressive eh?
When we were living together my wife normally just straddles me, or starts trying to work her hands into my pants, or just give me *that* look, or just pull on my shirt and goes "Sex! I want it NOW!", or just pulls my chair away from the screen, or rocks the lounge where I'm watching a movie, or holding my hand trying to pull me to the room after I put my daughter to sleep, or stealing my towel when I go into the shower, or dropping my pants when I'm out for a smoke (I... HATE... THAT), or just jumps on me and wraps her legs around me, or just starts biting my ear, or... hell you get the idea.
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
Quote:
Originally Posted by salvation2011
I followed much of the advice from an earlier post, but the porn that my husband was watching has a meaning behind it. I know some professionals say that what a man watches on porn is not necessarily what he wants in real life, but my husband actually does. He wants me to take the lead so to speak. he was the one who always began sexual encounters and he wants me to take the lead now, he says it will show him how i feel about him more. He had backed off having sex with me hoping I would understand to take the lead rather than feeling rejected like I did.
So, how do I approach this? The other night i put a towel on teh couch and didnt tell him what I was going to do, but took his pants down and oiled him up and gave him a very aggressive hand job. I was embarrased after bc he didnt tell me how much he loved it right away, but apparently he did! It took alot for me to come up with that idea. What else can I do? Is there a website? I tried to search the internet, but all that came up was porn sites and I just want a list of things to do, not watch a video.
Thanks in advance, Im blushing typing this, but very excited at putting ideas into action.
My wife is very similar to you but at least you are trying.
Please don't feel prostituty! This is your husband we're talking about. You don't have to compare to the porn because that's all fake. Cosmo, fake. We all live in the real world, and in the real world we're all sinners (as I see you probably know by your username)... porn is a harder addiction to overcome than drugs or alcohol for some guys. Excuse my bluntness here, but by being a prude you're not helping him along the path to healing. By being enthusiastic and adventurous in your sexual relationship you show him that you care about him. If you don't initiate it looks to him like you don't care about him... Take it from someone on the opposite side of a very similar relationship...
Click here to see what I'm talking about: A 14 year rut
Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:)
One person posted about videos. I have several videos from the Sinclair Institute. Many are set up to expand knowledge and have real life loving couples that demonstrate.
My H and I have added toys to our time together. I have some favorites, including the vibrating **** rings, which help to stimulate the clit during intercourse. I also have a slim g-spot vibe that I use during intercourse. The length and angle makes it nice for using on him, reaching around and giving his perineum or testicles a bit of vibration. The slim design also makes it nice for stimulating the clit and labia during intercourse in many positions. I found that aplaceforpassion.com has great prices for adult toys. They are my go to company because in addition to better prices than most others I found, they also have a wide variety of products and prompt delivery.
I have been studying up a lot recently and the increase in knowledge, experimentation and communication has been awesome. As I have learned more and gotten feedback from my H about the things that I have learned, my self confidence has increased.
One of the books that I found to be full of good information was by Lou Paget "How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that Will Blow His Mind." The tips I found and tried in this book have pleased my H greatly and have been incorporated into our intimate moments often.
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Re: Im a wife and need some more advice on spicing things up please:) 
