Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hi all. My husband wrote me an email today (tonight for him as he's overseas in India) that he was talking to a very close buddy of his about sex. His friend (who I've met personally and have talked to several times) is just about to get married, and is a virgin. He is nervous about having sex for the first time, and asked my husband for some 'tips'. My husband was also a virgin before we married, as he is from India and this is more customary to wait before marriage.
My husband told me in his email that he told his buddy to buy some new underwear, and wrote that he "gave more tips as well, but I can't tell you because it's between us guys ".
Considering that my husband has only been with me (which his friend knows), it would be obvious to the friend that any tips my husband gave him would be in my context. I will ask my husband tomorrow what he specifically told his friend, but I am not comfortable with my husband telling his friend the specifics of our sex life (as his friend knows me well, and I don't want him imagining things). I understand that his friend is nervous and wants advice about sex, and I don't mind my husband giving general sex advice - but I don't want him to give specifics that relate to my sexual response. But sometimes the boundaries blur. At the same time, I'm glad my husband told me this, as I don't want him to hide the fact that he talks about such issues with his friends.
Where do you draw the boundary of what is acceptable for your partner to share with their friends or not about your sex life?
Before we got married, I also know that some of my husband's married friends had also talked to HIM about sex, and they told him some really explicit stuff (regarding penetration, foreplay, frequency etc)... which surprised me, that they'd openly discuss such things about their sex lives with their wives. I don't want my husband discussing these things about us with anyone who knows him or who knows me personally. I guess he doesn't know about anonymous forums like this, so there they ask their friends directly these sorts of questions.
He had written that he gave his virgin friend a motivating pep talk, but I don't really know what that means. I told want to make him not tell me these things in future by getting upset with him, at the same time, I'd like to be able to gently listen and tell him nicely (but firmly) about my boundaries. Just thought I'd ask you guys for advice.
I agree, it was great that your husband brought this to your attention. If you're uncomfortable with your husband talking about certain things then you need to set the boundries of what you consider okay to talk about and what isn't. If your husband had sense enough to tell you that he did this, then he has sense enough to respect your boundries. And I don't think that your husband had that much disrepect to tell his friend, " Spank her ass and tell her she's a dirt girl. MY WIFE LOVES THAT!" I don't think he's doing that.
So, talk to him. Tell him that you're okay with certain things but you do have boundries. And while your at it, suggest some things from a woman's stand point that he might suggest to his friend that his new bride might like if you're comfortable with it.
LOL! I mean, if you and your husband have an excellent sex life, share the knowledge and be proud!
Furthermore, I'd like to say that sex with my husband was not very pleasant (we are newlyweds and only had sex about 6 times or so in the 8 days we were together after marriage, though we are long distance again now). So it's not like my husband is experienced, and he might be giving lousy advice to his friend, as my husband himself is a selfish lover who cares more for his pleasure than mine (prompting me to come on these boards for advice). I also know that my husband's friend tends to be selfish in his interaction with women (his friend is a nice guy, but very patriarchal in his mentality.) I'll tell my husband that he should ask ME for advice to pass on to his friend, as anything my husband says might potential traumatize that new bride further.
Before we got married, I also know that some of my husband's married friends had also talked to HIM about sex, and they told him some really explicit stuff (regarding penetration, foreplay, frequency etc)... which surprised me, that they'd openly discuss such things about their sex lives with their wives. I don't want my husband discussing these things about us with anyone who knows him or who knows me personally. I guess he doesn't know about anonymous forums like this, so there they ask their friends directly these sorts of questions.
He had written that he gave his virgin friend a motivating pep talk, but I don't really know what that means. I told want to make him not tell me these things in future by getting upset with him, at the same time, I'd like to be able to gently listen and tell him nicely (but firmly) about my boundaries. Just thought I'd ask you guys for advice.
Talk to him about what he discussed, as well as what made you uncomfortable, and what you are okay with. Including the why is important as well. Setting those boundaries good. Do think about what conversations about sex should he be allowed to have with a friend, as well as the type you should be able to have with a friend. Is it reasonable for him to have someone that he can talk to about these issue (and you have someone as well)? If so, what level and type of informaiton are you two comfortable about revealing?
One thing to think about is that in light of his experience and being a virgin before you, any discussion by him about sex necessarily implies something that occured with you. Even vauge information could arguably be traced back to you.
And while your at it, suggest some things from a woman's stand point that he might suggest to his friend that his new bride might like if you're comfortable with it.
LOL! I mean, if you and your husband have an excellent sex life, share the knowledge and be proud!
I WISH we had a great sex life!
I do have some suggestions for him to pass on to his friend... but they are more along the lines of making sure that the friend spends enough time cuddling and kissing his wife, and not just wanting to have intercourse right away. Also, I'd suggest the friend be more focused on his wife's pleasure (as my husband doesn't do that for me). But I wouldn't want my husband to be talking in more explicit detail than that.
One thing to think about is that in light of his experience and being a virgin before you, any discussion by him about sex necessarily implies something that occured with you. Even vauge information could arguably be traced back to you.
Exactly, hence the awkwardness. And the fact that his friend knows me closely makes it worse.
Well, given what you just wrote. Tell your husband to stop all sex talk with his friend and tell him to give his friend YOUR number and you'll set him straight!!!
I do have some suggestions for him to pass on to his friend... but they are more along the lines of making sure that the friend spends enough time cuddling and kissing his wife, and not just wanting to have intercourse right away. Also, I'd suggest the friend be more focused on his wife's pleasure (as my husband doesn't do that for me).
BINGO!!!! That is extremely important to a woman. Just as important as intercourse is for a man! I think you need to convey that to the friend and by doing so, you're telling your husband what YOU need! Kill to birds with one stone!
Well, given what you just wrote. Tell your husband to stop all sex talk with his friend and tell him to give his friend YOUR number and you'll set him straight!!!
Oh, I don't think his friend would talk to me... he'd probably be really embarrassed that my husband told me about his fear of having sex. He'd probably not be able to talk to me after that! I probably also know things about his friend that I shouldn't from prior talks with my husband... that his friend has a really small 'member' and is really scared about that too. Ah well. I do like his friend, as he is a really good buddy to my husband (despite his traditional ideology). I just hope that if my husband can cross boundaries to tell me about his friends' genitals, then he isn't doing the same, telling his friends about my body as well.
I am tempted to be fiesty with my husband and tell him that if he is talking about our sex life with his friend, then he should just go sleep with his friend and leave me alone to find a nice guy who will respect our marital union. Of course, if I said this, it would probably be the last time he is forthcoming about any such discussion with his friend, which is not what I want.
Do you discuss sex with anyone other than your husband?
I only discuss my sex life in an online forum such as this (due to anonymity), or with a marriage counselor/therapist. I would NOT discuss our sex life with friends, family, etc. Sure, I can joke about sexuality with my friends, but only generically as I'd never say anything specific to details of my interaction with my husband.
I only discuss my sex life in an online forum such as this, or with a marriage counselor/therapist. I would NOT discuss our sex life with friends, family, etc. Sure, I can joke about sexuality with my friends, but only generically as I'd never say anything specific to details of my interaction with my husband.
Are there any circumstances where it would be appropriate for him to discuss this with a friend? If not, you need to let him know, as well as let him know who you have these discussions with.
Are there any circumstances where it would be appropriate for him to discuss this with a friend? If not, you need to let him know, as well as let him know who you have these discussions with.
Hmm... I'll have to think about whether there would be exceptions or not. I haven't thought about exceptions to this, so I don't know yet.
I was also hoping others might share if they have any agreements with their partners about what is okay to share or not. I wanted to hear other people's perspectives as well.
My husband's work partner, he is a cop, knows we have sex daily. He knows about our house rule of it is going somewhere daily, my girlie, my butt or my mouth. His partner will give me a hard time about it when we all get together, etc. But that is just the way my husband and his pig co workers are.
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discussing sex with his buddies? 
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He'd probably not be able to talk to me after that! I probably also know things about his friend that I shouldn't from prior talks with my husband... that his friend has a really small 'member' and is really scared about that too. Ah well. I do like his friend, as he is a really good buddy to my husband (despite his traditional ideology). I just hope that if my husband can cross boundaries to tell me about his friends' genitals, then he isn't doing the same, telling his friends about my body as well.
