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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-17-2012, 12:39 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I can imagine this is very frustrating for you. It is something he is going to have to learn if he is to continue with you.

I think sometimes men get into a mode of thinking to themselves, and it is an interruption, and an extra effort to try to stop and talk about it. I do this sometimes. I'd like to say that I've learned when to open up to my wife about it, but that's not entirely true. I'm much better than I used to be, and I recognize that it is a real need for me to stop and talk to her sometimes, but there are still times when I find myself thinking, and talking about what I'm thinking about is difficult either because I'm thinking faster than I can talk, or else, it's just too much effort to talk ... that last one is actually true sometimes - sometimes I think, and just don't want to spend the effort to talk.

I would think just out of courtesy he should not talk up a waitress in front of you, especially if he recognizes that you are sensitive about your appearance right now. I know when my wife was pregnant, she was as attractive in my eyes as she ever was - I recognized what was under construction there and I thought it was a beautiful thing. However; every guy is different. I'd ask if you told him that it hurt your feelings when he said that, and expressed your need to be built up and have his involvement. Certainly, I don't think going upstairs and crying while he sits downstairs unaware would be helpful. He is going to have to know what is going on in your mind and heart so he can respond. He may not know how to respond, so you may have to help him understand how to respond in order to get him started in the right direction.

I'm not making light of what you're saying, but your latest post really reminded me of something humorous I saw a while back. I'll post it here, but I'm absolutely not making light of your feelings. I post it because I've found it to parallel what's happened with my wife and me a few times, and it is rather funny if you think about it. I've had to learn to open up better, and she's had to learn that sometimes, I just don't do that well at opening up while my mind is busy.

One thing that really helps me to talk is if I walk. For whatever reason, when I'm sitting, my mind tends to be so busy that I can't really talk. In these times, if my wife takes me out for a walk, I find it much easier to listen to her, and much easier to talk to her. If you can go for a walk, or find some other activity that the two of you can do together that makes his hands/feet busy, it may be that he can find it easier to talk as well - just a thought.

Yep, that could be my diary. I'm pretty sure I've made things uncomfortable with stressing over it too.
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Old 02-17-2012, 12:46 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I'd ask if you told him that it hurt your feelings when he said that, and expressed your need to be built up and have his involvement.
On numerous occasions I have poured my heart out to him, been vulnerable and expressed what I needed from him - only to have him respond that I "shouldn't be so insecure." Needless to say, it doesn't make me feel better... Often times, just worse.

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Certainly, I don't think going upstairs and crying while he sits downstairs unaware would be helpful.
He was fully aware of what was going on and felt that ignoring me was best.

He doesn't like to talk, period. That's just who he is... And I respect that - BUT when there is zero communication about feelings, thoughts, desires, dreams, fears... What the heck do we have? An acquaintanceship??

Just feeling very empty and unloved. I hurt knowing he knows this, but just doesn't care. Guess I should get a hint, huh?
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Old 02-17-2012, 01:08 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oral Sex and Pregnancy...

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On numerous occasions I have poured my heart out to him, been vulnerable and expressed what I needed from him - only to have him respond that I "shouldn't be so insecure." Needless to say, it doesn't make me feel better... Often times, just worse.



He was fully aware of what was going on and felt that ignoring me was best.

He doesn't like to talk, period. That's just who he is... And I respect that - BUT when there is zero communication about feelings, thoughts, desires, dreams, fears... What the heck do we have? An acquaintanceship??

Just feeling very empty and unloved. I hurt knowing he knows this, but just doesn't care. Guess I should get a hint, huh?
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I'm the last person on here who will tell you to get a hint. I don't get hints and I talked about that here. He does have to do his part - no argument from me on that.
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Old 02-17-2012, 01:26 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Example of a hint he missed: we were talking about plans we could make to celebrate either Valentine's Day or his birthday (I forget which), and he suggested something I thought was boring, so I said, "I'd rather get laid." ZERO response from him.

The hint I'm only now picking up on: I'm not as desirable as his hand. :/

I could power a Nuclear Power Plant with my sexual energy and yet it seems like he'd rather I didn't exist. There's something missing here and I can't fix it until I know what exactly it is...
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Old 02-17-2012, 01:48 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oral Sex and Pregnancy...

You may think I'm being a little bit over the top on this, but ... on your hint, saying "I'd rather get laid," is still a little different from "Let's have sex instead." I don't know what your normal communication is like, but your response there could have been taken as "No, I'm not interested." I also don't know what his mindset is and whether he's been taught about the health of sex during pregnancy. I remember a time when I was a bit unsure ... I also remember a time when I had a very amorous and very pregnant wife .

What I'm saying is that I don't think hints are very helpful. You need the direct communication. It sounds like you're not getting it from him, but it sounds like he may not be perceiving some of it from you, too. For one thing, if you think you're less desirable than his hand, make sure he knows that. You may have done that - I can't see that of course. And if you could power a nuclear power plant with your sexual energy (sounds like my wife in her second pregnancy), then let him know that. If he's unsure about whether making love to you right now is a good idea, then see if you can get him to your Dr. appts and ask those questions of the dr. if he won't. I understand your frustration as expressed where you say he isn't making the effort. He does have to make the effort - very true - I'm just saying that if you are to continue with him, you're going to have to continue trying at this point. Maybe on the point of the Dr. Appts, make sure you tell him you want him to go with you and that it's important to you. Understand what I'm saying here: Don't give him a hint that you'd like for him to go, ask it directly. So "Please come to the appointment with me tomorrow. It would mean a lot to me if you would." would be direct communication. Don't leave any room for interpretation of what you want/need.

I know you're trying, and it sounds like he really is frustrating. I hope it is as simple as what I'm laying out, but there's a good chance it isn't. It may be that you may need more than what a forum can give you, too.

Last edited by shy_guy; 02-17-2012 at 01:53 PM.
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Old 02-17-2012, 01:50 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oral Sex and Pregnancy...

Hi Yin ~

What was he like pre-pregnancy?

Some guys (and gals too) feel weird about sex during pregnancy. Do you think he may feel like that?

Do you think he feels worried about the upcoming arrival of your baby and parenthood?

I know that he's had a tough road that he's travelled - with his past and with his addictions - is he in any kind of recovery program? How about you?

Congratulations on the baby!

Best wishes.
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:57 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Oral Sex and Pregnancy...

Yin,

Take him by the hand and tell him " I needs sex, I need it now, and I need it from you. It's time for you to step up and take care of your horny wife."
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