Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Are your trying to meet all of her needs? If so, and she is not trying to meet you half way, then why not stop making so much effort? Cool your efforts down and see what her reaction is. If she asks, explain that you need to look after yourself, since you feel like your needs are not very important in the relationship.
I see what you mean, and I see how it's supposed to work. I will try this and see what happens, but I still can't get how it relates to maintaing my boundaries
Chimp,
This whole concept of assymetry is the basis for your broken marriage. When you want her attention, she gives or doesn't give it based on her inclination at the time.
When she wants YOUR full attention she gets angry if you don't comply immediately.
The fact that you have gone along with this reinforces the notion that she is important and you aren't. And you send that message either by:
- immediately giving her your attention or
- apologizing if you didn't
I don't always give her attention immediately, not do I apologise if I don't. This is how I know she gets angry
I have done this for a while and she hasn 't got better about it. I suppose it's one of her non-negotiable boundaries
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Originally Posted by MEM11363
You will get tired if you "talk" argue. You won't get tired if you limit it to brief but clear body language and then limit your communication with her to kids and schedules until "she" wants to makeup/apologize. Be friendly and polite during the conflict, just limit the interaction to kids and schedules.
This is behavior shaping and she needs a lot of it. She is not going to like this
You think? She would probably prefer to clean the toilet with her tongue
Quote:
but t is the best path to a balanced marriage.
I'll give this a try. I'll report back in a few days with the results.
Chimp,
Good luck. Be friendly and firm at the same time. Firm means that when she is doing stuff to you, that she would not tolerate in reverse, that you briefly point that out. Radiating "anger" is not effective as she doesn't care if you are angry.
Radiating indifference - that is something else entirely. Most partners react very strongly to indifference as it makes them feel unimportant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Chimp
I don't always give her attention immediately, not do I apologise if I don't. This is how I know she gets angry
I have done this for a while and she hasn 't got better about it. I suppose it's one of her non-negotiable boundaries
You think? She would probably prefer to clean the toilet with her tongue
I'll give this a try. I'll report back in a few days with the results.
I see what you mean, and I see how it's supposed to work. I will try this and see what happens, but I still can't get how it relates to maintaing my boundaries
A fundamental boundary that every one should have is that they are important and have value as a person. Not necessarily the most important, but that their needs matter.
Right now, your needs don't matter to your wife. As MEM notes, it is all about her all the time. By stepping back, you are communicating that (1) her needs are not always the most important and (2) your needs are important as well and that is she won't look after them you will.
She will get upset because it messes up her carefully constructed world (a world that revolves around her). You need to be firm and not back down.
Your wife used to be sexual and now she is "a lady".
Why was she sexual in the past? There was a specific reason. She either wanted to please you and wanted to get you to marry her, and after that wanted to have children.
Unless she undertands that being sexual in terms of HOW MUCH and HOW you want things to be is a condition for maintaining continuity of her life, she will not change.
But, instead of threatening divorce, all you have to do is make sure you are giving her a great life, and then telling her what and how she needs to fulfill your needs.
But, instead of threatening divorce, all you have to do is make sure you are giving her a great life, and then telling her what and how she needs to fulfill your needs.
As far as I know, I am giving her a great life - I am already bending over backwards to give her what she wants, and she is not slow to tell me what she wants me to do / be / give.. I have told her what I need and how she can provide it, but apparently "ladies don't". I have tried this approach for quite a long time and it does not work at all.
As far as I know, I am giving her a great life - I am already bending over backwards to give her what she wants, and she is not slow to tell me what she wants me to do / be / give.. I have told her what I need and how she can provide it, but apparently "ladies don't". I have tried this approach for quite a long time and it does not work at all.
Because she has no reason to change. You are operating from the assumption that you wife wants to please you and, upon finding out that something makes you unhappy, will work to change her behavior. That is, after all, what normal healthy married people do.
Unfortunately for you, that is not where your wife is at. She thinks everything revolves around her. She may hear your words, but she is really listening to your actions - the actions that say that you can't be all that unhappy because you are still doing everything for her. Because of that, she sees no reason to change.
That is the power in backing off what you do to her. It makes your actions (I am not happy so I will stop doing as much for you) and your words (I am not happy and something needs to change) consistent. It will add power to your words, as she sees that something in fact has changed. She will need to react.
Because she has no reason to change. You are operating from the assumption that you wife wants to please you and, upon finding out that something makes you unhappy, will work to change her behavior. That is, after all, what normal healthy married people do.
Unfortunately for you, that is not where your wife is at. She thinks everything revolves around her. She may hear your words, but she is really listening to your actions - the actions that say that you can't be all that unhappy because you are still doing everything for her. Because of that, she sees no reason to change.
That is the power in backing off what you do to her. It makes your actions (I am not happy so I will stop doing as much for you) and your words (I am not happy and something needs to change) consistent. It will add power to your words, as she sees that something in fact has changed. She will need to react.
T.A.G., I got all of what you said before, but thanks for saying it again anyway. I was asking Hicks why it was he thought that doing exactly what he said (what I have been doing) would make her change. If he was being sarcastic or ironic it went over my head
A fundamental boundary that every one should have is that they are important and have value as a person. Not necessarily the most important, but that their needs matter.
Right now, your needs don't matter to your wife. As MEM notes, it is all about her all the time. By stepping back, you are communicating that (1) her needs are not always the most important and (2) your needs are important as well and that is she won't look after them you will.
She will get upset because it messes up her carefully constructed world (a world that revolves around her). You need to be firm and not back down.
Over the last few days I have picked her up on things what she does to me that I don't like. I have mostly been doing this by saying something like:
"If I did that to you, you would not put up with it, and would get really upset. Why is it allright for you to do it to me?" I am being calm and freindly and not getting aerated when I do this.
She hasn't got angry. When I do this she looks sort of confused and says "because I'm a lady", as if it all makes sense then. I have asked her to explain, but she looks at me like I have asked her which way is upwards.
Your wife was not a lady when it was important to get you to marry her. If you are giving her a great life, what you have to do is get her to admit whether she believes marriages are supposed to be sexual relationships. If she admits this, then you then have to get her to admit whether she has any obligation to meet your most important emotional needs if she admits that you are meeting hers. Lastly, when it comes to having her needs met, she expects you to meet them in a certain way, with a certain attidue, and that is what you expect.
Your wife was not a lady when it was important to get you to marry her. If you are giving her a great life, what you have to do is get her to admit whether she believes marriages are supposed to be sexual relationships. If she admits this, then you then have to get her to admit whether she has any obligation to meet your most important emotional needs if she admits that you are meeting hers. Lastly, when it comes to having her needs met, she expects you to meet them in a certain way, with a certain attidue, and that is what you expect.
Hicks, I am sure that she would say that because we have sex once or twice a month, we are in a sexual relationship, and she is meeting my needs. The how and the what are secondary to her being a "lady". I will need to understand that "ladies" don't do certain things (e.g. oral either way, hands, doggy e.t.c.) but that we are sexual and my needs should be met by this.
Over the last few days I have picked her up on things what she does to me that I don't like. I have mostly been doing this by saying something like:
"If I did that to you, you would not put up with it, and would get really upset. Why is it allright for you to do it to me?" I am being calm and freindly and not getting aerated when I do this.
She hasn't got angry. When I do this she looks sort of confused and says "because I'm a lady", as if it all makes sense then. I have asked her to explain, but she looks at me like I have asked her which way is upwards.
So she has no reason. I would tell her that, and make clear that her being a "lady" is a nonsense answer to your questions.
Hicks, I am sure that she would say that because we have sex once or twice a month, we are in a sexual relationship, and she is meeting my needs. The how and the what are secondary to her being a "lady". I will need to understand that "ladies" don't do certain things (e.g. oral either way, hands, doggy e.t.c.) but that we are sexual and my needs should be met by this.
She doesn't get to pick how you need your needs met. Just as you don't get to pick how she needs her needs met. This is the conversation you are not having. All women will have a very good reason for not being sexual. What you have to do is give her the reason to be sexual. The reason you give her is you do what it takes to be a good husband to her, and you expect her to do what it takes to be a good wife.
She doesn't get to pick how you need your needs met. Just as you don't get to pick how she needs her needs met. This is the conversation you are not having. All women will have a very good reason for not being sexual. What you have to do is give her the reason to be sexual. The reason you give her is you do what it takes to be a good husband to her, and you expect her to do what it takes to be a good wife.
Unless I'm very mistaken, this is a "I'm right you're wrong" "No, I'M right YOU'RE wrong" discussion (argument). You won't get the other person to change by logic or reason or because its fair or nothing like that.
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Re: Self-Improvement Not Helping Sex Life 
