Just be honest...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Just be honest...

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree19Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-14-2012, 09:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 39
Default Just be honest...

The sex is bad...Its never been great. I've showed and explained my needs endlessly to get no where FAST! I've done things different as suggested by my partner to make it better only to result in the same dissatisfaction on my end. I am a piece of meat. How many men wonder why their wife doesn't want the sexy... Lets be honest. If we told you all of the above, you would me mortified. I know this from experience. I was urged to talk about it with my spouse and I did. The result of that...was things got worse, WAY worse. And now I feel like a horrible person. So if you want to know why she is not interested...perhaps your not the Casanova you thought and the great listener you think you are. If you want better and more...then just friggen listen and follow directions. Change your game before its to late... A woman changes in her needs from when she was 19. Watch and listen...she is telling you.
Trying180 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 02-14-2012, 09:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,396
Default Re: Just be honest...

Feel better for having vented now?

I would have loved if my STBXW had spoken up about what I could have done differently to improve our sex life. It might have hurt to begin with, but self improvement sometimes is like that.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
2nd_t!me iz_best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Off to Never Never Land
Posts: 4,280
Default Re: Just be honest...

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
Feel better for having vented now?

I would have loved if my STBXW had spoken up about what I could have done differently to improve our sex life. It might have hurt to begin with, but self improvement sometimes is like that.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
2nd_t!me iz_best is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 79
Default Re: Just be honest...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying180 View Post
The sex is bad...Its never been great. I've showed and explained my needs endlessly to get no where FAST! I've done things different as suggested by my partner to make it better only to result in the same dissatisfaction on my end. I am a piece of meat. How many men wonder why their wife doesn't want the sexy... Lets be honest. If we told you all of the above, you would me mortified. I know this from experience. I was urged to talk about it with my spouse and I did. The result of that...was things got worse, WAY worse. And now I feel like a horrible person. So if you want to know why she is not interested...perhaps your not the Casanova you thought and the great listener you think you are. If you want better and more...then just friggen listen and follow directions. Change your game before its to late... A woman changes in her needs from when she was 19. Watch and listen...she is telling you.
And to the men who have tried asking their wives what to do to improve their sex lives and been told "I don't know, you're the man, you should just know!", what would you suggest?
The Chimp is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 39
Default Re: Just be honest...

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Chimp View Post
And to the men who have tried asking their wives what to do to improve their sex lives and been told "I don't know, you're the man, you should just know!", what would you suggest?
She knows... She is just not willing to tell you because it will hurt your pride. I feel like crap now that I have told..... It never helped a thing. Now its worse. Its penetration and he done. He has lost weight because he is obsessing about us. (6' - 155 lbs)...Really whats worse. Knowing the truth, or living in a dream world that its her issue? Can you handle the truth...Mine couldn't.
Trying180 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,320
Default Re: Just be honest...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying180 View Post
She knows... She is just not willing to tell you because it will hurt your pride. I feel like crap now that I have told..... It never helped a thing. Now its worse. Its penetration and he done. He has lost weight because he is obsessing about us. (6' - 155 lbs)...Really whats worse. Knowing the truth, or living in a dream world that its her issue? Can you handle the truth...Mine couldn't.
But - also being honest - if things don't change, he could lose you.

I would want to know the truth.

Plus - thing of how much fun you could have while "coaching him into shape!!!"

Just make sure that any criticism is given away from the bedroom - and not right after or during sex when you might be frustrated.
nice777guy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 448
Default Re: Just be honest...

I can not for the life of me think a woman could tell me anything that would embaress me. Would love for her to tell me what she wants, how she wants it cause that is how I would give it to her. I am about pleaseing my partner, just show me the way! If I am not doing it right let me know...please. Thank you.
Hoosier is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 79
Default Re: Just be honest...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying180 View Post
She knows... She is just not willing to tell you because it will hurt your pride. I feel like crap now that I have told..... It never helped a thing. Now its worse. Its penetration and he done. He has lost weight because he is obsessing about us. (6' - 155 lbs)...Really whats worse. Knowing the truth, or living in a dream world that its her issue? Can you handle the truth...Mine couldn't.
I think you are: looking to tar all men with the same brush and make yourself feel better.

I don't think you want to solve the problem.
The Chimp is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 39
Default Re: Just be honest...

Or if she is really that nave..she should masturbate...so she could tell you. Un-leash what is in her mind during fantasy moments. Watch her reaction to movies. Does she wiggle a lot during romance movies...or action movies. Does she watch glee...or the news. If its romance...soft is best approach then spice it up as she warms up. If its Action...then take action. The problems is with a woman...it could be different by the hour.
Trying180 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 39
Default Re: Just be honest...

I don't want to tar men...Trust me. I also don't want to scar HIM...and that is exactly what have done. To say I don't want to fix it is ridiculous. I've taken classes, read books, video tapes, counseling... What more should I do? When the rest of the marriage was going well it didn't seem like such a problem. But now that the marriage is hurting I have nothing to lean on to help me through. No "best sex ever" after a fight. Its like a teeter totter... When sex is poor we had love and kindness to help us through...but when the love and kindness is lacking the board breaks because the pleasure is lacking also. If I thought all guys were the same, I would not be contemplating leaving him. It would just be more of the same...get what I'm saying.
Trying180 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 39
Default Re: Just be honest...

Telling your lover you should know what I want is a cop out.
Trying180 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 448
Default Re: Just be honest...

What is he doing wrong? What would you like him to do that he is not?
Hoosier is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,713
Default Re: Just be honest...

"It's not me.....It's you".
__________________
The day that Elvis died was like a mercy killing/America breathed a sigh of relief/We knew all about the drugs and the Vegas shows/And there wasn't much of anything that looked like grief
Runs like Dog is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 107
Default Re: Just be honest...

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Chimp View Post
I think you are: looking to tar all men with the same brush and make yourself feel better.

I don't think you want to solve the problem.
Because my situation is so similar to the OP's, I'm curious what you mean by this. I, too, have spoken to my husband about what we need to do to improve our sex life. I think I handled it the "right" way. I didn't do it after a particularly disappointing sex session. I took an afternoon, sent the kids away, and told him we needed to talk. Not only did I tell him what I needed for things to improve, I asked him what he needed from me so that things could be better.

It was as honest a conversation two people could have about sex, though I was never putting him down. I used statements like, "My needs have changed, and I think it would be great if we tried this." He took offense at every turn, told me I was asking too much, he couldn't do those things...but he didn't hold out on expressing what he needed from me, and though I've tried doing everything he said -- more lingerie, more spontaneity, more BJs -- things haven't improved for ME because he is simply unwilling to do anything to make it better for me. I still feel like nothing more than a hole or piece of meat every time we have sex...and have started avoiding it again so as not to feel like anymore.

He has said the words, "We're still having sex after 14 years. Isn't that enough to make you happy?" Well, no, I'm sorry, it's just not.

Based on a "challenge" from our MC, I have turned into super-wife these last two months, trying my damndest to make this marriage work. From doing all of the scheduling of quality time, cooking more elaborate dinners every night, cooking special things for his lunch -- he works outside in the snow -- getting him random gifts and cards, snuggling on the couch to watch movies, becoming MUCH more sexually adventurous. Yet he still hasn't budged one inch to do even a single thing I told him I needed to make our sex life -- and marriage in general -- work for me.

If there's something I'm missing, please tell me what it is! I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here and getting nowhere.
nomoretogive is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2012, 10:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 411
Default Re: Just be honest...

Most men would be deeply hurt to find out they were lousy in bed. They'd also be hurt to find out that such an important aspect of their relationship had been a lie all this time. It's a lot to process.

Give him time. He's hurting now, but now that he knows there is a problem, the ball is in his court to fix it.

Of course, this all hinges on one thing. Do you want him to improve, or do you want the sex to stop? If it's the former, make that crystal clear to him.
dymo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
please b honest men!! nicole8125 The Men's Clubhouse 15 10-16-2012 12:58 PM
Be honest men AnotherEarthling The Men's Clubhouse 58 11-10-2011 12:09 PM
Being honest with myself for once. ThatHappyLittleFamily Considering Divorce or Separation 6 03-21-2011 02:16 PM
is she being honest about it ? wondering2020 Sex in Marriage 17 09-20-2010 04:29 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:02 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.