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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-16-2012, 02:36 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

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Originally Posted by Sleepless Red View Post
We have discussed it. Promises and resolutions don't work even in the short term. Talked about it with her, with her and a councillor, with myself and a councillor.

You have to accept and deal at some point, and that is where I am. Just need constructive ways how so I can make my situation as rewarding as I can.
Well, let me ask a question I left out of my earlier post.

You say divorce is not an option. Does that mean you will not initiate a divorce, or something other than this?

Let's say pull away some and do your own thing, as was suggested before. Your wife resents this and decides to leave. Are you okay with this, or do you reverse course and try to win her back?

It's been suggested that you have a lady on the side. If you want to stay in the marriage, please do not do this. As I noted, your wife is not just denying sex but expecting you to serve her selflessly regardless.

The only other thing you can do is get an individual counselor to help you develop some coping skills.

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Old 02-16-2012, 04:39 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

I am in your exact situation. My wife has no interest in sex at all and it took along time for me to get past it but I am passed it and it no longer bothers me!

I started a lifting/cardio routine about 2 years ago..as a result I am in the best shape of my life (less than 10% bodyfat, can lift more weight than I could even when I was in college and can run 8 minute miles). I go the gym 5 days a week and love it (most of the time)

I go out with friends once per week after work to socialize

I try to do family activities with my wife and son on the weekends so that we get quality family time together

I read to my son every night before he goes to sleep and it's great!

I watch porn regularly to help with sexual urges. My wife is fine that I do this because it takes the burden off of her

I spend time with family when I can and I pursue hobbies of mine (especially photography)

I am not religious but I thank god everyday for my life..sounds corny I know..but after seeing several close family members pass away from cancer, I value what I have

There are probably other things that I do but this is a good start for you!

And just to be clear, I am 39 and will not get a divorce and be a part time dad just because I am not having sex with my wife. I value my time with my son as the most important thing to me and I am not willing to trade that in the hopes of finding someone else to have sex with. Period.
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

First thing is to realize it is not sex you are missing - otherwise porn/masturbation would satisfy you. It is intimacy and love. Read up on that and understand what you are missing. That is the easy part to understand exactly how you are feeling because, as you've noticed, it is not uncommon. Sex starved marriage worked for me.

Hard part is getting your W to read/understand. To do that, you have to divorce the emotional rejection from the sexual rejection and first explain your emotional/intimacy needs are not met. Talking about this is tough because the no-sex partners become defensive and dismissive and instantly associates what you are missing with a juvenile interpretation of sex (men are horn dogs, sex is unimportant, sex is just getting off). Writing short letters or emails with links to sites helps (the first chapter of sex starved marriage is free on amazon and the author's website). Maybe out of cusiosity she'll read the links, maybe buy the book and leave it around. If she won't see, she won't see. That will help you realize it is not sex she doesn't want, she simply does not really care about you. Or, cares more about her pride of not being wrong, than she does about your marriage.

But, that is a better place to be in than having hope that is continuously disappointed. You can focus your hope on other things, or other people. Also, once you realize that your spouse does not care, it makes it easier to not care back and to not be disappointed.

I should say, my wife can be very difficult to talk to, will not take constructive criticism about anything, thought sex was just sex and not important . . .

But, I eventually got her to see and understand, and things are getting better. It was too many years of pity sex before I realized how she was wearing me down emotionally (she was not doing it intentionally, really had no clue how deep her comments cut - e.g., I always got a hurry up and lets get this over with type comments beforehand - even if she eventually got into it). It took 6 months from when I first told her it was an intimacy not sex issue for her to start to listen - and only then when I showed her the book that explained her behavior exactly. Even then, there were subsequent fights, because she could not handle being wrong, so she would invent new reasons why she had not interest. But, now, about 1.5 months from her wakeup date, we are much better and in a place where we can almost have an adult conversation, almost.
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Old 02-16-2012, 05:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

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You have to accept and deal at some point, and that is where I am. Just need constructive ways how so I can make my situation as rewarding as I can.

That is the problem. You can't. If the human sex drive could be so easily set aside, humanity would have been eliminated long ago. For most of our ancestors life was stressful, nasty and short yet no matter what else was happening, we still had to have a persistent and unrelenting drive to procreate. The fact that masturbation is not a real substitute, nor could it be, is an indication of how the need for sex is more profound than a need to orgasm.

Unless you hormones give you a break, your sex drive will torment you until it goes away on its own. For a male that usually means age or poor health.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:03 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

mate good luck - im only 28 and in sexless marriage which is now ending. We are finding ways on how to split up nicely.

like me you will end up getting frustrated and stressed in the home.
We tried counselling as well, was actually refreshing yesterday with counsellor telling her it was not healthy and unacceptable and for brendan to have not have strayed in the sexless three years shows he loves you. but yeah we are over.
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:30 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

Tell her what's wrong.

Connect with her again.
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Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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Old 02-16-2012, 07:43 PM   #22 (permalink)
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That is the problem. You can't. If the human sex drive could be so easily set aside, humanity would have been eliminated long ago. For most of our ancestors life was stressful, nasty and short yet no matter what else was happening, we still had to have a persistent and unrelenting drive to procreate. The fact that masturbation is not a real substitute, nor could it be, is an indication of how the need for sex is more profound than a need to orgasm.

Unless you hormones give you a break, your sex drive will torment you until it goes away on its own. For a male that usually means age or poor health.
I have to disagree with this. As per my post above, there are definite ways to deal with and get around this issue and still be happy with life.

He was asking for ways to deal with the situation and I gave him some of the recommendations that worked for me.

For me, the need for sex is very profound BUT THE NEED TO BE A FULL TIME DAD IS MUCH MORE PROFOUND which is why I have successfully been able to get over all the hard feelings regarding being in a sexless marriage.

What it boils down to is this (for me). I have found a balance of activities in my life that allows me to be happy even while not having sex and those activities include seeing my toddler every day. Even in the best divorce circumstance I would see my son only 50% of the year...50%. I cannot imagine trading 50% of the year in order to have sex with someone..it's just not worth it in my opinion. I would rather have no sex and see my son 100% of the year versus having sex and seeing my son, at best, 50% of the year.

I am not saying that I wouldn't like to have sex with my wife..of course I would. But what I am saying is that even though sex is a big part of life, there are things (such as seeing your children grow up) that are much more important (in my opinion).

Ok...now for everyone's rebuttal...(I think these are great conversations to have on here by the way...you get to see so many different perspectives).
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Old 02-16-2012, 07:55 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I have to disagree with this. As per my post above, there are definite ways to deal with and get around this issue and still be happy with life.

He was asking for ways to deal with the situation and I gave him some of the recommendations that worked for me.

For me, the need for sex is very profound BUT THE NEED TO BE A FULL TIME DAD IS MUCH MORE PROFOUND which is why I have successfully been able to get over all the hard feelings regarding being in a sexless marriage.

.
I think we only partially disagree. I remain in my marriage precisely because right now being a father is more important to me.

But I only got to this point after a very very difficult journey. My point is there is no easy solution. The prime of my sexual life is being lost and it will never come back.

There are periodically feelings of bitterness hurt and loneliness.

Its just not easy but being a Dad is simply more important.
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Old 02-16-2012, 08:13 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I think we only partially disagree. I remain in my marriage precisely because right now being a father is more important to me.

But I only got to this point after a very very difficult journey. My point is there is no easy solution. The prime of my sexual life is being lost and it will never come back.

There are periodically feelings of bitterness hurt and loneliness.

Its just not easy but being a Dad is simply more important.
Well said...and you are right.

I will say that the periodic feeling of bitterness, hurt and loneliness do go away. The way that I know this is because one day I woke up and realized I was no longer experiencing these negative emotions and I realized I was actually happy...it was quite an exhilirating feeling!
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Old 02-16-2012, 09:11 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

I'm 25 years in a sexless marriage. Coping consists of masturbation, sex outside the marriage when it becomes available (only a few times over the years- this is easier for women to find than for men) And basically not dwelling on it.
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Old 02-16-2012, 09:24 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I'm 25 years in a sexless marriage. Coping consists of masturbation, sex outside the marriage when it becomes available (only a few times over the years- this is easier for women to find than for men) And basically not dwelling on it.
Yes, this is in fact the reality of how many sexless marriages "survive", that and the loss of interest that comes from age. But I'm not going to flatter aging and call it "wisdom" or "patience" and it has nothing to do with the reality faced by a man in his 20s or 30s.

Also sex outside of marriage in some minds is not exactly a way of preserving the marriage. It is nothing like what I imagined married life would be. It is just incredibly sad no matter how you cut it.

When I gave up on sex with my wife, in many ways I gave up on the marriage
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Old 02-16-2012, 09:31 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I was in my late 20's when the sex stopped. My coping advice was just as valid then as it is now. For me anyway. I always knew my sex life would suffer if I got married. I just didn't realize how much.
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:30 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

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Well said...and you are right.

I will say that the periodic feeling of bitterness, hurt and loneliness do go away. The way that I know this is because one day I woke up and realized I was no longer experiencing these negative emotions and I realized I was actually happy...it was quite an exhilirating feeling!
To you and LionelHutz both:

I am curious as to whether your wives are okay with knowing you are bitter about the wasting of your sexuality and avoiding being with them too much.

Like I said, my wife despised my sexuality (no fault of mine). But it wasn't enough to not ask her for sex. It could have been months but if she suspected I saw porn or had some cute co-ed's eye she was incensed. Eventually, it got to the point where she resented me simply for being unhappy.

So I wanted to get other guys' experience. I'm also curious as to whether you plan to bail out when the kids grow up.
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:07 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

My moment of clarity was after 6 months of not having sex, when I realized my wife put herself above me at every turn. It was an unfortunate fact that it took me 15 years to realize it. The way I dealt with it was to see a lawyer. She knows I am serious now, and btw suddenly wants sex although it is much too little, much too late. If you think a lack of sex is all that is wrong with your marriage you are fooling yourself. Talk to her, tell her that you are unwilling to live in a loveless marriage. When I did that I was laughed at and called weak. Personally I'd rather die alone than married to someone who thinks I'm a joke. Good luck.
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Old 02-17-2012, 12:21 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to cope with a sexless marriage?

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I am curious as to whether your wives are okay with knowing you are bitter about the wasting of your sexuality and avoiding being with them too much.
If you would allow me to answer this... I have brought up exactly this with my husband, usually something along the lines of, "I didn't get married expecting to be celibate..." "I'm losing the years where I should be the most sexual, to a life of not having sex..." "Do you understand what you're asking of me by refusing to have sex with me year after year," and all I get from him is a blank stare. In truth I think it's meaningless to him. I might as well be complaining about not being able to hunt turtles off the coast of Africa. If someone doesn't want sex, they won't understand the pain of not having it.
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